signals

let me start off by saying using a video of a railroad semaphore signal seems a bit counter-intuitive, but i assure you this video is relevant as far as this awkward subject. it’s all about whether or not someone is giving you the go-ahead signal. trains run the same way either you got to let a train pass before proceeding or you got the all clear and the train can move forward.

do you remember nicole? while barely mentioned on this blog or at least her story she featured in one story i wrote regarding my cousin natalie. my cousin took a greater interest in the story at the time than i wanted and simply shut down any attempt at a convo based upon this by offering nothing but silence. natalie who does like chatting kind of got the hit and left it and me alone…

as far as nicole, well it’s a cautionary tale with a variety of tactical errors. and to be fair it was a case of jumping a gun and the signs were in front of me that she was giving me a stop signal. with regards to if i was looking for signals from nicole, i wanted to see a proceed signal and sought to interpret and overthink them to the point where it was favorable. well it never happened and i hung around with her for far than i should have…

this was the biggest ouch of my life. i wanted to believe nicole was going to be my girlfriend and my belief proved to be wrong. as it turned out i made a mistake and as a result nicole probably still doesn’t want to speak to me today. it’s possible from my obsessive attempts i only served not to cultivate a relationship, but only cultivated avoidance. who knows if she’s ever moved from her negative feelings about me, i know i still have my negative feelings about it.

a typical post where i talk about the women and describe them physically. this time i won’t, overtime i had to convince myself that although i thought nicole was attractive my view of her has changed and that includes her attractiveness. over the years i have thought her attitude when she wanted nothing to do with me made her very ugly to me. though these days i accept my role in how things simply went due south at the time.

having met her through my first room mate at “mission college” one mistake i had made was assuming her niceness/friendliness was a signal interest. it wasn’t when i decided to express interest she described it as a misunderstanding which wasn’t what i wanted to hear. these days i try to pay attention when a girl seems interested only to just pull back when i try to reciprocate. my goal is to try to avoid making assumptions in some cases i can be too cautious and a girl with a wandering eye can go with who’ll give her the attention.

another error was situational as i attempted to ascertain whether or not she was going to my campus to play pool i asked her if she was coming over. she was like you know maybe i don’t know we’ll see, then i felt dejected and walked away. someone touched my back & shoulders when i left. i was in a courtyard during a weekly student block party and there was a stairway into a yard with students standing around.

now i figure it was someone else who probably did the touching. probably steadying herself or perhaps himself coming down that hill and i was the only stable object. problem is i wanted it to be nicole and made the mistake of asking her which began to cause other problems as it was an excuse to express interest. she couldn’t say whether she did or she didn’t and i never looked back when it happened so it’s possible she didn’t thus it wasn’t a proceed signal. unfortunately i didn’t want to believe that and held onto it for a long time until fairly recently.

another error was waiting for a signal of any sort and making assumptions based upon it. like one time i was singing to myself leaving “hillman” and nicole was horrified when she saw me. except i took that as a signal of interest because she had a horrified look on her face on that occasion. well now that it’s been interpreted by me as a proceed signal although almost a week before she gave me the signal i should’ve heeded – she wasn’t interested. regardless interpreting these signals as “interest” it caused me to further awkwardly make my presence known.

eventually it was all for naught and someone i didn’t know finally came around and told me to leave her alone. too bad this was before the iPhone and quality mobile photography. it got really scary and reality was it was entirely my fault because i failed to pay attention and heed her signals. i wanted favorable signals, but the signals she actually sent weren’t.

for all that happened then i feel bad because if she knows my room mate whom we’re still somewhat in touch although only friends on fb at this point. he’s never said anything and when sh*t hit the fan i learned my lesson. he’s never mentioned anything about that whole episode with me even though i know there had been opportunity to do so.

nicole as a student at “hillman college” was a freshmen when i first met her as a transfer student. i was gone for a year and a half returned to establish relations which incidentally i had done so seeing her at “misson’s” recreational hall playing pool. when i greeted her and after she closed our convo, she greeted me with a flirtatous look but only after she indicated that there was someone who didn’t like her hanging out with men. i can safely consider this a mixed signal, though certainly for me i saw it as proceed when it should’ve been a stop because she didn’t intend to give a clear answer as to whether or not she’s spoken for.

with this said since she was a year or so older at this point and certainly had a direction for her life being a junior when i returned to “mission” perhaps it was a bad time to approach her for dating. who’s to say she already had other things that stressed her out it could be her studies, other men, family life, etc. meanwhile i was just returning and although i was older probably did lack a direction. it’s possible whenever she saw me i lacked a direction and she could probably tell “there was no there, there”. i literally came in with not a whole lot to show for myself at least not at that point in time and that could include the idea of “no potential”.

so a few conclusions. i could relate this to what happened with candice years later. i missed candice’s signals because i chose not to pay them much attention. and she’d directly let me know it was a problem for her when i blew off her signals. basically candice was looking for something with me and i for whatever reason chose to not heed her “go-ahead” signals. i’m a long way from saying this was a matter of caution – to avoid misinterpreting her signals – or just a matter of avoidance from a rambunctious young woman.

with nicole i was looking for her signals and she got pissed because i wasn’t heeding them. the signals essentially was a no-go and i was again oblivious. even had some dear friends at college told me i should leave her alone and even that advice wasn’t enough for me to end my own semblance of a chase. and once again i wanted the signals i wanted which basically was, “come here big boy”. the actual signal was, “get lost big boy”.

candice – i can’t say what my problem was with her. perhaps it didn’t take long for me to realize there was nothing there from me with her. what i say later seems more like an excuse now, regardless at the time she insisted on my attention it seemed a little too much too soon at the time. i don’t know whether or not i can call this a missed opportunity or a dodged bullet.

nicole – only she knows why she wasn’t interested in me. perhaps i wasn’t showing that “mission-man mystique” which is believable. perhaps my awkward attempts to give her attention at one point was a little too much too soon also. could certainly be a botched opportunity or more accurately a non-starting opportunity. sometimes i wonder if this had been a dodged bullet.

 

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change

i used to say you can find yourself in a good situation and you can always lose it. you say that thinking it braces you from the impact of what happens, and then it happens. in this case losing your job which happened to me recently at “fresh foods”.

perhaps i believe i’m more than capable of handling any problem as you see from the body of work on this blog, it’s not always true. in this case i couldn’t handle the new situation at work, a new manager with a new team. i didn’t trust them and they didn’t keep me from losing my job.

in writing this post i could talk about the grumbling from some of my now former coworkers. i can take it with a grain of salt now or perhaps not because it cost me my job. perhaps i was starting to be a grumbler as i had been at “the show”. when things aren’t going well i can be a grumbler just complain and get in the drama though in this case it’s not little teeny-bopper drama because I don’t know any better.

today on the train i ran into one of my former colleagues at “fresh foods” and without telling him what happened with me i asked him how’s it going up there. my expectation – genuinely perhaps some positive changes – he simply said “same old bullshi*t”. the new regime hasn’t changed yet, the situation hasn’t settled down though he hopes it does for the best – to which i simply crossed my fingers and hoped for the best with him.

what i told him when he mentioned the B.S. is “this is why i’m gone!” though i wanted to emphasize that i had the best job of my life and i blew it. in doing my best to adjust to a difficult situation i still didn’t do my best to adjust to it. i was just another worker at the end of the day that mgmt had to let go. they were right i did place myself into that situation getting onto an attendance probation where i couldn’t be late for six months and it just had to be one more time – which was out of my hands.

i asked my former colleague about my replacement on receiving another colleague who wanted to learn about buying. my former colleague said he’s still doing receiving though they have him back and forth between the sales floor schedule-wise. supposedly he was supposed to have been given a raise – just as i hoped to get the position of receiver and just like me – he evidently didn’t get it. the new boss who i’ll call roger didn’t pull through and my colleague who’s a math nerd and a wrestling fan i’m sure told because he can be vocal.

so right now what about yours truly? well i intend to reapply in six months. in light of what happened and how i feel about the new regime because of how it all ended i don’t know if i want to go back to that store assuming things haven’t settled down. it would be ok with me to apply at other stores than the one i had the chance to know. thankfully i’m allowed the opportunity to return…

now i do have my feelings about roger and don’t intend to demonize him. i will say that after perhaps a month of him being the new dept. mgr. i realized that i wasn’t feeling him. perhaps he had the same feeling about me. there’s a reason i don’t trust him and perhaps there’s a reason he doesn’t trust me.

if i couldn’t be on time, it gave him the ammunition. he may well have had a scrutinizing eye which i feel he had towards me at least. i also recognize that as a new mgr he had the right to make some changes and he made them. i could get on board or get out the way and to be sure some of those changes got me in the situation i was in.

perhaps i’ll talk about them more at length. this post had to be about me tonight! there are some lessons i need to learn from this, and I WILL figure it out!

Isolation

I think this describes my situation:

It’s especially difficult to find a partner if you don’t like to go out much.

Redditor ShakerJew explained that they think they’ll stay a virgin for a while:

“I have no clue how to advance relationships beyond friendship … I’ve never even held anyone’s hand… I’m not ugly at all either. When I see people in a relationship I just think ‘Wow that must be nice but that is not for me, I can’t have that. I must deprive myself of happiness.’

User another-redditor3 echoed this sentiment:

“Not much of a story really.

I’m 30, unemployed, live at home with my parents and have nothing that even resembles a social life. I talk to friends online once every few weeks or so, but it’s been 18+ months since I’ve seen any of them in person.

As for interests/activities, the few things I’m interested in are solo activities, or male dominated.”

If you’re not interested in checking out new places to meet potential dates, that’s cool. Focus on your own fulfilling hobbies.

Now I got to think, what kinds of hobbies can I get into where I can meet people. Perhaps I can join a college alumni group who will on occasion support the sister “Hillman College”. Perhaps I can take some art classes or something like that. There is something I can get into that will enable me to find this fable companion or at least meet new friends.

another interview

Concession Counter at Movie Theater

had another interview earlier this week at another theater – same company as the “dine-in show”. it was a different kind of interview with seemingly a more indifferent manager – may not be good or bad simply put he was a hard read. i think i got through on some responses which i will share some of his questions. not much different than the more personal young manager i interviewed with earlier this month.

a sort of take off on tell me about yourself. i had to describe what i’m passionate about. i mentioned that i follow politics, huge wrestling fan, and i like movies. these are things i enjoy doing the most. not a long drawn out answer, he essentially got the gist. and i recognize even mentioning politics could be quite dangerous in such a setting, however i tried not to say i support anyone just note that things are crazy right now.

one question that i still scrambled for as i did earlier this month – name a time when you had to interact with someone you didn’t know. i still kind of winged this one, not very good. regardless i kept it professional without giving an example other than noting something work related.

another question involved a not very good customer experience and what could be done to rectify it. i noted a time – which also happened before an interview – where i was buying something from Target and had a cashier who never acknowledged me. scanned my items and took my money with no word to me at all. not a very good experience. my response acknowlege me, say hello to me, engage me – although it’s possible he wasn’t in the mood, also say thank you, and let me know what my total is.

a time when you came into a restaurant that was dirty. another thing that happened years ago was i was at a KFC and i saw a roach. i make sure to note that my general inclination was not to complain and expect that this was a one-time issue. others who were there made a big stink about it and made their disgusted sounds. however, one could see how seeing an insect in a place where they’re about to eat would ruin anyone’s appetite.

a time when you had to stay focused. i felt i was vague on this one, however, this is one i tried to rely on my experience at “fresh foods”. you work at a grocery store in downtown chicago and there are days where you’ll just get swamped with customers. main thing is to stay on task, keep your eye on customers, be accurate when you give the customers what they want, and especially when doing all those things stay focused.

biggest challenge in taking the job. basically companies change – as they had at “fresh foods”. another thing to consider in a theater is that we’re still in the service business and things happen and the trick is to adjust. a projector could go down, we could get busy at a moment’s notice. things like that.

also what would it take to be a successful associate at this company. one thing for sure is to know what this company offers to the customers and be able to sell that. know about the membership program and especially know about the movies. i never said this in the interview but never do a job and you’re not sure what you’re doing. either you weren’t trained well or you had little passion for it anyway.

what excites me about working for the company. again it’s to be back in the hustle and bustle of a theater. i already have an enthusiasm for movies and certainly i miss the excitement of people coming to the movies. especially to watch a long anticipated release.

finally i had to sell the manager who portrayed a customer a rewards program. which i believe i nailed though i was quite dry. since i use this rewards program i probably could’ve sold it much better than i had. i had to throw in that although you have to pay for the rewards program in the long run if you frequently come to the movies it pays for itself. i also had to mention “the show” saying they have a similar program though more of a membership than a rewards, but didn’t offer as much bells and whistles as this company’s program.

with that he opened the floor to questions which i kept focused on him. he told me how long he worked at the company, how long he’s been a manager, his favorite movie, whether nor not he likes the job, and how was the current location which he said it was the most challenging. think about this we’re in downtown chicago, bound to be challenges especially with the business.

so at the conclusion he just stated the thanksgiving holiday is coming up so hopefully decisions will drop on Monday. i take this as a good sign so my gut tells me this one could be a go. all i can say is time will tell on this.

btw, the house manager here is one whom i worked with over at the dine-in. i hope she pulls my application and says yes to me even if the manager i interviewed with didn’t. for now all i can do is relax and continue to plug away with applications.

also, there’s a reason for this and it’s not merely for a 2nd part-time job. some things changed for me unexpectedly recently and i promise it’s something worth talking about.

 

odds & ends

lately my mother had another cook coming around the house of as late. her sister-in-law (my aunt) drops by every now and then to cook. she was already known as a cook. for the most part i stay in the other part of the house as her and my mother are in the kitchen.

with this said i learned something about my father’s side of the family. the reason i talk of my dad and his addiction issues is because the drama on that side of the family caused his issues. and my aunt – we’ll call her nadine – said she had the chance to come to grips with them when they brought their father up to chicago before i was born.

i never met my grandfather as he died before i was born – here’s some minor trivia my dad is a junior which makes his dad a senior. according to my mother, nadine said she had a talk with her dad and they hashed out some issues. alas not much was said about the convo, however, she came out feeling better whatever was said or whatever was accomplished.

my mother futher told me that my dad was having trouble with school because not only his mother left home when he was 8, she died relatively young – as my dad did years later. in fact nadine was scheduled to graduate on the day her mother passed away unexpectedly! so unfortunately the son could never really reconcile with his mother and i also heard he was about to move with her. because she died it wasn’t going to happen!

the cooking has been excellent, there’s no shortage of cornbread around these parts now. last week we had some salmon patties with potatoes. we’re not short of collard greens with turkey wings and ham hocks. another time we had a cornish hen which lasted us a few days. one time she brought a lemon meringue pie which i never touched because i for whatever reason don’t like pie.

another visitor lately has been one of my mother’s old coworkers from the bank. she also lost her job when the bank was shut down by the feds and sold to another company. she’s been coming over to help clean up the basement and the closets. for the most part i find somewhere to go when she’s here though last friday i stuck around. didn’t really help out unless asked although my mother and i could knock out some of the clean-up. besides i would like to clean up my closet in the future!

finally i have another interview. trying to get back into the movie theater business – not “the show” of course although things might have changed for the better by now who knows. either way my first interview was a bust but i hope to retool try it again and hope to be successful this time around. perhaps do the reverse of what i did the last time.

also i have a post that is locked and am still working on writing it. hopefully it will be fully available in the near future. just trying to tighten some things up with this story, which i will admit will be quite awkward. i’m thinking about doing this something after thanksgiving.

there are some other things worth sharing, however, i’ll just wait until next month to tell you this. somethings have change for me recently, unfortunately it doesn’t involve a woman at the same time these still are some important changes. unexpected though i hope to bear through them at this current time.

meanwhile wish me luck on this interview this week!

interview

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in light of some of the changes at “fresh foods” i applied & interviewed to return to the “dine-in show” that i had upped & quit. i hit a few bumps in the road which included they wanted to know why i left. my basic reason is that i made the determination that i couldn’t be fully available to the job when scheduled. it was basically because of my other job at “fresh foods”.

of course the interviewer tacked this on at the end of my interview before letting me know that he’s still interviewing and will make a decision by 5 PM on friday and this would never hear from them at that time. the interview didn’t go that well for me at that time, i wasn’t that comfortable with it. i didn’t prepare but for an entry level job these were questions that i should’ve been better able to answer.

for example, i need a better answer to the opener “tell me about yourself”. i did mention some aspects of my resume, but made sure to note considering the setting that i like movies. somehow i need to come up with more to answer this question and not seem like a deer in headlines. i also consider that as part of the opener for “fresh foods” almost three years ago the manager i interviewed with took to heart the fact that i like wrestling.

“name a time where you had to interact with someone you didn’t know”. not the first time i ran into that one and it caught me off guard. perhaps it showed and i got quite jittery with this one.

“what do you think the greatest challenge is if you take on this job?” Really? I pulled an answer out of nowhere to tell you the truth. to be honest it made no sense, but i tried to relate this to the job i applied for which was to be a busser at the “dine-in show”.

“are you excited for working for our company?” this i really tried to answer honestly. sometimes i do miss the excitement of a new release the hustle and bustle of the roving crowd. even if i may complain about those customers you can’t please it’s still very exciting. it’s a genuine answer i do miss that.

they did ask about dealing with difficult people you saw an example of that answer above. you realize difficult people have a problem that really hasn’t nothing to do with me or you or anyone. they need to direct that negative energy to someone who directly affected them. in my case i need to let it bounce off of my back – and to be honest with you guys that has been my Achilles heel.

regardless i think even after having one interview in 2016 and two in 2015 (one each for the theater and at “fresh foods” before getting hired at both) i’m out of practice. perhaps i need to get myself into that interview mindset again. if i don’t then on some giveme questions i’ll be caught flatfooted.

btw, since this was the theater i quit immediately from and made sure they knew that i had been an associate there. made sure to note that – when they wanted to know why i left – i made a determination that i wasn’t going to be available for them thanks to the fact that i had another job at the time. hopefully that was enough to satisfy an explanation, especially if i choose to pursue opportunities at other theaters with that company.

as of yet, i still haven’t heard from them. hopefully if i had a better interview then it’s possible how i left the “dine-in show” wouldn’t matter. alas there’s only one way to find out, get another interview and then be determined to perform better. perhaps that interview will be more to my liking. the day of my interview seemed quite hectic a lot of people waiting in the lounge area.

another possibility is that one of the managers at the “dine-in show” now works for the theater i frequent. it’s one place that i’ve been applying for years and once had the chance to become a manager there. now i have an possible in and she recognizes me, thus perhaps i could just broach the subject and see where it goes as far as a job. she’s basically the assistant general manager there last i heard so this may be my way in. and hopefully she might be the one who could overlook any issues i may have as far as how i left the “dine-in”.

we shall see how i approach it, if i feel bold…

the hook-up

34608175474_d8b6f9ca61_z.jpgI’ve learned how my old friend Anthony has the need to get himself into drama. the drama itself doesn’t really involve him and yet, he gets involved and it has very little to do with him. he’s the nosy neighbor who we may groan about however we’re glad he’s around when we need him! I don’t always feel that way about him.

Another thing Anthony likes to pivot into when we talk is my love life. it’s something he decided to not only comment on one time he actually did try to arrange a date. actually because he decided that I was a virgin – he was right, but I tried not to go there with him – he tried to get me to talk to a number of women we worked with at “the show”.

The young lady in question he did actually try to hook me up with – we’ll call her Greta – he wanted me to take her to the Chicago Theater for a comedy show. to be honest I was lukewarm about the Chicago Theater, when he suggested – more like demanded – that I go to a show at Chicago so thus it was important for me to check ticket prices. whatever they were it stopped me cold and it wasn’t because I was a cheapskate more like it became an excuse for me to not go to this event with Greta.

This wasn’t a knock against Greta who was a twenty-something woman outside of my race who had worked at “the show” with us. she was a quiet and short-haired blonde woman who I found attractive though somewhat “perfectly imperfect”. at some point in the previous year before Anthony’s attempt at a “hook-up” she had quit “the show” and was promoted to manager at another smaller movie theater in the city.

we actually visited her at this theater on the north side, almost missed her as she was setting up the concession/bar area because she had changed her hair color. we even sat in one of the auditoriums there just to check out that venue. and this was one of those Anthony wanted to be nosy days and he was mostly in touch with her. I even made note of her hair color complimenting her.

after that brief visit, I more or less just forgot about her and went back to some form of business as usual. every now and then anthony may bring this up and say are you going i may give an answer but not really an affirmative. he one time texted me about this one time attempting to turn this into an overarching point about trying to be a manager.

what was Anthony’s motives, not certain other than he saw the need for me to go out. it wasn’t enough that i often liked to go to the movies alone – and at that due to my own unwillingness to go the movies at “the show” even if it was for free as an associate. he wanted me to go out with Greta and have a good time out on the town and go out. he really wanted to see me take a woman out or relate to a woman or whatever. after a while for some reason he moved on to some other things and forgot about this event he wanted me to go to.

that was until Greta called him to ask about this event. i suppose she was starved for updates also and more so than i had been. so he checked on the available seats and saw that they had been diminished considerably. disappointed – and with him trying to reassure her – she just simply told him “I’ll talk to you later” and hung up. and guess who he called after that….

He had already called me earlier on that particular day and we never talked about this comedy show. so after Greta called him he immediately called me to yell at me because it was my fault that we burned a bridge with her. in failing to cover this event in Anthony’s word what i did wasn’t cool. the reality, even if Anthony thought he broke through, I really had little interest in this event in the first place. if i was going out with anyone I’d be more than happy to make my own plans! I never told him this but he probably didn’t really factor in my apparent level of interest in this.

it almost reminds me of how he somewhat campaigned to get me up to his “finer foods” store on the north side, especially after getting blown off by his store manager after almost an hour. it never occurred to him that I lost interest after that and he still felt as if i should’ve followed up on this. and then when i moved on from “the show” ultimately to “fresh foods” he started his campaign again with the idea that yours truly would like “finer foods” better and because of my experience i would make more money. so he still pivoted into my business as far as making a move that could net more more pay!

these days he finds a way to bring this up now. when he borrowed money from me he still insists that yours truly blew it with greta. and i kept asking him “blew what?” and he didn’t mind stating repeatedly “you blew it with her”. of course before that there were other situations where he brought it up, bottom line is that he felt as if my actions helped burn a bridge with her. he made it a lot more than i thought it was at the time and for some dumb reason i have a tough time even accepting this.

i could put this situation in the same vein as the one with candice. though in candice’s case she was far more aggressive about it than greta was. i suppose that was the turnoff with candice more than anything. in the case of greta it was more third-party meddling that made things far more interesting. either way both situations became something i wasn’t very comfortable with and it was easier to do nothing when in doubt than to simply take advantage.