Frustrated

frustrationThis post could be about me being sexually frustrated. Nope it’s about work and this time last year I had been frustrated. Me and a friend of mine hit on this earlier today as I told him about my raise at work.

Before putting in my notice at that last job last year there was a team meeting and the management stated that they were expecting minimum wage to go up. So in discussing wages, this was their answer and it had been stagnant at the then minimum for years. Then after that meeting found another job and got out of there.

This idea of a raise and getting one has me stoked it never happened at my last long term job. Another consideration was that many of the jobs I’ve had were either temporary or long-term and hovering around minimum wage. To make more money it was necessary to change jobs make an extra quarter there, another dollar here, and then lose a quarter there.

At this point last year I was frustrated then came 2015 and even then it hadn’t been off to a great start. Then things started to progress for me at this point. Now I’m no longer frustrated about work….

At this point it’s time to move on to other frustrations…

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Past tense

I just decided to delete two posts involving some past drama. It was pointless and served to only get riled up at people who were no longer part of my future. This is a key move as not only are they no longer part of my future, they likely will never be as far as I’m concerned.

It’s always possible that I may work with them again or better yet perhaps I’ll see them on the streets. Other than that if they had no positive contributions to me in the first place, then they have no place on this blog. It’s best as hard as it may be to forget about them and that’s what’s necessary at this point.

That’s not to say there won’t be things said, but it only means that these stories mean nothing if I’m moving towards a path to self-improvement.

Inertia

6a00d8341d4dc653ef0154347edeff970c-500wiOne of the mistakes that I’ve made with women is not moving. Let’s say initially it appears she’s feeling me, however, I don’t keep moving in a direction where she definitely knows I’m interested and take the time to make something happen with her. Then she’ll only move on to someone else who’ll give her the attention she needs.

Believe it or not I recognize that this is what happens most of the time with me. If a woman was aggressive with her interest and I fail to reciprocate I get judge quick by her. Now sometimes it’s a matter of freezing up and rarer it’s a matter of no interest.

I could probably also count on one hand those women who gave me those like vibes only for them to move on to other guys. That or perhaps they were just friendly but never took the time to see if there was anything there for me romantically or otherwise.

Those are some stories I’d like to tell more of one day. In some cases I’d have to go way back and tell them.

These are some stories I’d tell one day that means we’ll be going much further back in time than ever before.

Anti-social

keep-calm-and-be-anti-social-2I’ve never understood that term as it seems to denote something far worse than merely shunning social situations. In social science, I’ve learned how people are gregarious by nature although at times we find out how not very gregarious we are. There are definitely times I’m not very gregarious.

It could be noted that I consider myself very shy and often quiet. Not always though as I have my moments, but for the most part I don’t always enjoy social situations. I’m often not seeking to become the center of attention.

That’s not to say I don’t have things going for myself. Still there have been opportunity with women in school or at work and for whatever reason I had been oblivious. Mostly I’ve been ignorant in some cases I kept blowing her off either clueless about her interest or very uninterested in her. In some cases I may have engaged in some sarcastic behavior that she didn’t respond very well to and found myself on her unwritten sh*tlist.

When it comes to work what happens with some of the woman at a past job is that their immaturity makes some of these things into major issues that they can’t get past. A lot of it was me being me and they didn’t respond well to it and go from there. It may have salvageable I’m sure but ultimately it’s possible that they may not have been the ones for me anyway.

The people who have accused me of being anti-social the most have been family. There are people who I’m related to who I have purposely kept my distance from. They can’t understand because they have their own expectations, but there are reasons. Some again likely relate to some of my quirks that they don’t understand and I get judged quickly.

I also realize that if this continues and she – the girl who I expect to date in the future – realized that my relations aren’t always that thrilled with me then hey it may make it very difficult for me to forge relationships with a woman. If interest means that so many people care so much about you and find that some in my family may not feel that way about me, then here comes the problems.

Then again, does one have time to mend relationships with those who doesn’t appreciate you for who you are?

You make the call

YouMakeTheCall

This is a story I’d like to tell, and if you’re so you’re allowed to make the call. Whenever I’ve told this story the responses have run from you blew it, to why did you treat her so bad, or I’ve shown her who’s boss. The show her who’s boss one is very rare to be sure.

Either way a few years ago I had a coworker we’ll call her Candace who at that point was 19-20 years of age. She had a nice set of eyes, a nice body, and long hair…real hair. She was really pretty and definitely had a smile on her.

The story starts when I was running late to my job at a movie theater. I hurried put my things away in the locker room and moved quickly to the time-clock. The locker room was down a hallway and near an auditorium where two other female coworkers were standing outside. I didn’t see her but Candace said, “Hey Jack”. I looked back and the other two ladies that I saw didn’t acknowledge that they said anything. It was at that point I said nothing and just continued on my way. One of the girls standing around said a faint “DAMN”.

After I had clocked on and was officially on duty on that day I made my rounds Candace came over to me and started saying repeatedly, “You know you heard me talking to you.” I repeatedly said “What?” as I attempted to get around her and she matched me move for move. Another female coworker got in the middle and told her not to fool with me. Unfortunately that was only the beginning.

At other points Candace decided to ask me who my favorite music artists was. Since I was older she mentioned artists I never heard of. I never really answered her questions about this. Other times Candace generally just attempting nothing more than to speak. For the most part, I often would just walk away without a word and sometimes she would make this exasperated sound.

One time in fact, she got mad when a supervisor behind the concession stand spoke to me and I spoke back. She was looking around getting upset because I responded to the supervisor.

The last time she attempted to converse with me was when I was at the concession stand looking for a cup of water. Just for kicks I put on a show and looking for laughs and got them. Candace came over to start a convo and another guy I worked with got in on it. I had bought a muffin from a local grocery store.

Basically my responses to their questions was generally “a leprechaun gave it to me”, “you didn’t pay for it”, etc. Finally I told the guy where the muffin came from, but Candace took it further and asked if I had walked there. My answer was, “I flew”. She gave an exasperated expression and announced she’s done.

After that Candace rarely said much to me and still attempted to speak to me. One time I was taking care of a customer she snapped at me after she spoke and I failed to respond as if I didn’t hear her. I gave her a tense “What?” response and then said “Oh” when she repeated her greeting.

The absolute last time she ever spoke to me at all was in a hallway and I had been looking at promotional materials. Candace again spoke to me out of nowhere as I was somehow engrossed. I was about to speak until I decided to look up to see who spoke. She was walking by alone and I quickly went back to what I was doing and she had no reaction this time as I saw her from behind walking away.

To be honest I’m not entirely sure what happened here. I feel as if my problem was lack of interest as I didn’t even pretend. Candace was one of the more aggressive women I had encountered. There was a point she demanded my attention and I wouldn’t relent.

Is it possible that I missed something here? Definitely. Candace probably could’ve broken the dry spell, but I had to have been willing and apparently I wasn’t. Another friend had suggested that she wanted to see if I’d go for it and shown that I wouldn’t.

Either way, she started in the spring time and by the end of the summer Candace was gone. Her time there was brief, but she left behind some drama that had little to do with her trying to “holla” @ me. I may talk about that in the near future.

Shame

Shame

Shame

I’ve been reading up on male virginity for a while, the subject of shaming had come up at times. We’ve seen how so many men who’ve never had sex feel shame in some cases enough where they kill people.

To be sure the shame is often internal although the fear is certainly that someone might decide it’s ok to point out this fact about someone. I’ve been on occasion the subject of “shaming”. Mainly someone’s need to just point out this minor detail about me.

Honestly it’s really no one’s business other than the people I care about most. The friends or anyone else who may feel the need to take a dig about me regarding this well they may mean well, but it’s really not their problem. It’s only mine…

In my case, rarely I have told some of these individuals. In others it had been deduced and they use it as ammunition rather immaturely. The fact that anyone decides it’s OK to ask about anyone’s sexual history. It’s my belief that it’s not worth talking about although it’s easy to say if you’ve never talked about it.

The unfortunate thing is that for whatever reason the choice was to turn this into a cheapshot. Worth it for whatever reason they can come up with. It only shows they have an even greater issue with it than I do.

Either way, I don’t have much shame about the choice made years ago. To abstain from sex primarily because I didn’t yet want children or wait until marriage. I truly believe it’s best to wait although yes not all have and they have made their own choices with that.

The one thing that has alluded me so far is that I’ve never had many female friends. It certainly would be great if I had that one female friend – with whom I have great interest romantically – that I could confide in. Surely if the day comes when I find a woman I truly like in the near future this won’t be secret but something that brings us closer together.

The unfortunate thing is that I’ve never really explored this part of myself with a woman I really cared about. There have been a precious few over the years with whom I had been interested, but never quite to the level I’d like to go.

Cowardly

A few nights ago at work when it was quitting time, a couple of young women were dressed as if they were going to party. One of those women had been the one I saw on the train. Sat close enough I could’ve talked to her, but chose not to do so.

She wore the most revealing outfit showing a lot of skin wearing a pair of short shorts. I get vibes from her anyway, but at least I’m somewhat old enough to not fall for what attracts me to her. That is if it’s her body and that’s all it’s bound to be a very bad idea.

I’ve seem to have the ability to develop secret crushes often without realizing them. I move too slow and she’s with someone. Sometimes when I do it doesn’t work out at all. In this case well, it may not be a good idea to slip this note into her locker, probably being bold is better.

I apologize in advance if this is any disrespect to you and my guarantee that this would be the only note I shall send to you. I don’t know how to approach you which is a shame because you’re seemingly very approachable. To be sure I’d be very mortified and ecstatic if you were to discover my identity. Wouldn’t be sure what to do next if it were to happen, but hopefully it does and goes from there.

That being said, I can be a worrier at times. Slipping this note might make her curious at best although she may not be interested in playing detective. At worst she could always run to mgmt. Err on the side of caution…

Although for now, I think her presentation may well have just helped me to decided to not engage in that action for the moment.