awkward

admittedly i seem to be the master of unrequited crushes. there have been a number of girls over the years with whom i’ve held great interest. there are a precious few still who know and may have an inkling. and i’m still a virgin…regardless i noted this with a coworker whom asked me a random question.

then a few days ago this convo i overhear between this coworker and a person in our neighboring department. this coworker noted that some guy friend requested her out of the blue recently on fb and then turned around and professed his love for her. some of that has to be an exaggeration but i can believe he made sure she knew he really likes her.

this guy used to work at the store reportedly and he quit at some point. according to her he would try to speak to her and finds himself mumbling. she basically knew he liked her and then he grows some courage after he quits finds her on fb and sends a quick message.

and this part amazes me she found his approach – though i could sense a creep alert coming – endearing and she agreed to go on a date with him. who knows if she actually went on said date, but i was like unbelievable. he went for it and it worked! 😮

in my case there have been precious few where i tried to get away with that. nicole is one prime example although a lot of moments led up to the eventual rejection there. she’s not the only example but there are women out there who became aware that i like them. of course i never seemed to be able to pursue anything with them.

this leads to one challenge…what if i found a bunch of women particularly online – no one i currently work with – and just expressed interest in them? what if i told them i liked them? of course these women would have to be vetted at least for having a boyfriend or whatever. if i was free and clear to be so bold why not.

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money

issue-header-social-securitywith this post i’m setting up for a series of past stories. as happens on this blog while i talk about my life and times as an older virgin still trying to figure out how to connect with available women – so that one day i may marry and have a family – i still discuss other subjects. what this means is yes i have to talk about the extreme past such as a teenaged jack v or a twentish jack v.

today i’ll talk about teenaged jack v who lost his father before he left high school. i’ve already told the story of my dad, he had been an alcoholic for most of the time i knew him and his health problems mounted to where he had a stroke. he suffered through high blood pressure and a vessel busted in his brain. it wasn’t long before he passed away.

not long after his death my mother signed up for social security benefits. we got survivor’s benefits in my case the benefits only lasted until at least the summer after i graduated high school. i got plenty of cash every month and by the end of that summer my new savings account had a little over $5k.

of course it could’ve been more but my mother took some of those funds probably because i hadn’t yet turned 18. the month after my birthday i got a huge $1k check and my mother had me sign up for a savings account. when i got a check from uncle same i would deposit in into my account every month.

the only mistake i made back then was that i never added to this money. i never worked before i entered my 20s so as i continued to withdraw funds the resources were depleting. interestingly i made more in interest then than i do now. i have more savings now than i had back then, but the interest earnings is nowhere near $20 as it had been at one point back then.

sometimes the money was spent for my time in community college. of course i still had to eat and then get around the city back then. then i spent it on other things. by the time i finally moved on beyond chicago and my local community college, it was time to transfer to the liberal arts college. when i moved on i was starting to run out of that money.

when i start this new series the consequences of that will be seen.

changes 


this blog has marked a number of milestones especially jobhunting milestones. for example two years ago in october i finally scored a job offer and left “the show”. this time last year i got my first raise also this time last year i signed up for health insurance through my job.

today it’s been two years since i decided to get started on my teeth. i sometimes look through my own fb photos and see my upper lip extended a little over my bottom lip. it’s because one front upper tooth drooped down and somewhat affected my appearance. today i see a minor difference when i look at more recent selfies since having this procedure done.

i made this decision not long after purchasing health insurance which included dental. initially i got started with frequent cleanings and got a prescription for a abscess. the issues weren’t new i had periodontal disease diagnosed in the last decade but it was only recently i began to do something about it. my teeth started to get worse as time went on.

it helped that people didn’t mind commenting on it. in fact a customer being an asshole only said “beautiful smile” after seeing my teeth. he could’ve been negative but my thought was why even say anything.

either way i just made a call to my mother’s new dentist and her office was in a nice building in hyde park. ironically it was one where i paid a visit to a periodontist years ago and this lady wanted to perform a procedure where they’d have to cut my gums to really clean between teeth and perform bone and gun grafting. needless to say thanks to the expense of that and the goriness of that procedure it was easier to just not do it.

either way within the next two month i would get deep cleaned in my mouth and then prepped for getting those problem teeth pulled and then fitted with no only “flipper” teeth but also a permanent bridge. i feel much better about my appearance today then i had for a few years at that point.

now i continued to interview with bad teeth and for a while i was getting no results. in spite of that i got a job offer at the bank. the first day on the job at the bank i sported new teeth. and then just before i started my current job i got more new teeth. at that this was just after the bank let me go.

for the time being at least and it turns out to be partially true in my estimation, my teeth was no longer a barrier to getting a new job. hopefully not a barrier to finding a mate.

BTW, i had to note many of the people i worked with at “the show” the ones i enjoyed working with noticed the change. they wanted to know who my dentist was. i felt really good about the change after that. 🙂

reminiscing

it hits me because i haven’t thought of this name in years – Rae-Lewis Thornton. i was in high school in the 1990s when i saw her speak on two occasions. i went on a field trip to see her speak at a local community college auditorium and then another time she spoke to our high school.

then i remembered that we were disruptive to her when she was speaking to our auditorium. she definitely gave a quick STFU to the audience after they continued to chat or even spoke loudly to her. many of us didn’t want to hear what she had to say.

i listened in part all i know was that she had HIV. she somehow got infected with the virus and she dedicated herself to speaking about the disease and hopefully save lives. i was a naive kid back then but it wasn’t until high school when i realize young folks my age were having sex. there were quite a few young women who were walking around pregnant and it didn’t matter if they were freshmen or seniors.

all the same, is this a reason i’m still a virgin. a partial reason, high school was the first period that i had sex education. a rapper – Easy E – died of AIDS my freshman year of high school. a health educator gave us a talk about about that and educated us on condoms and STDs as a result. now i still wonder how many of us didn’t listen and contracted an STD not just get pregnant.

perhaps in her own way she saved my life although i had already decided on the idea of sex after marriage. one problem i still had from those days, i never really talked to the girls nor dated. which means i never figured out what to do back then.

Virgin Rule #89

Words of wisdom from Virgin Rules. I’ll never know if I don’t make a move. Of course this only opens anyone up for disappointment, but you don’t know if you don’t take the shot.

Virgin Rules

Don’t Be Afraid

Go all out. Put yourself out there. Ask for that number. Send that message. Be willing to walk away. Don’t let perceived loneliness drive you to chase after someone. Chasing can lead to compromise and doing or saying things you wouldn’t normally do or say. I say perceived loneliness because it’s very easy to mistake the desire for a true friend for the desire to be in an exclusive romantic relationship. It’s an easy trap to fall into, but it can be avoided if you take the time to evaluate yourself and desires before putting yourself out there.

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disappointment

i’m going to start about four years ago before i get to the main point of this post. four years ago was the start of my two year long job hunt which ended….two years ago. i started essentially in summer 2012 and then ended by fall of 2014.

what kicked this period off in earnest was a management position at a neighborhood theater that i had frequented for years. the company was owned by a woman who it seemed wanted to do right by the community. it seemed we had a good interview and expected to get the job.

basically a friend of mine – anthony – put it in my head that this was a done deal, he was also involved in this process as he wanted to work for this particular company also. while i had nothing but seemingly good news regarding my interview he responded with shock in his texts with me that i never heard from her. indeed he had interviewed and advanced to the next round but after I send her a quick follow-up email she cut me out of the process as i didn’t have significant management experience.

needless to say i was upset because i needed this and to be sure this would’ve gotten me away from “the show” and the drama there quickly. i really thought this could be a good fit to bring my experience from working near downtown chicago and start a program to turn the neighborhood facility into a posh place that you would expect to only see downtown. it sadly didn’t happen for me that way and i whined about it for a long time especially as my job search was netting me zero results until October 2014.

as for anthony he didn’t get the job himself and the behind the scenes drama of this businesswoman with whom we both interviewed got blasted in the news. her business partner conducted a takeover of this business and ultimately it resulted in a decline where she appears to no longer be in that business in almost a year’s time. it was really sad and one way to look at it is that we both dodged a bullet because some shit began to hit the fan.

well this is one example of staking everything – my livelihood especially – on one position. i was ready to leave “the show” at that only to find that well i may have been ready but no one else was yet ready to give me the job. it never occurred to me that i wouldn’t get that management job and that makes this extremely disappointing.

let’s fast forward four years later. i wrote here recently i was up for a promotion at my store. an interview was scheduled at first only to be canceled due to some technical issues at the store. there was a tentative date only for that to be pushed back due to meetings upon meetings upon meetings. then a bombshell recently.

one of my department assistant managers told me that there is an expectation that the position i was seeking – essentially a trainer supervisory role – could be eliminated due to budget issues. i had to process this but then i wasn’t too upset, disappointed yeah because i was looking forward to this one although for now it wasn’t meant to be.

i didn’t take this hard at all. what can be said was that things happen and that is that. i was gung ho but that just means for now i can relax. i’m still a regular employee for a bit longer. i didn’t really take advantage of the many past opportunities to move up at the store so that’s on me and the one i did go for may not happen for me.

at least for now, i need not stake my livelihood on a promotion as much as i think i’m ready for additional responsibilities. i had my promotion last year to full-time status which was an unexpected development but very welcome. the different between now and four years ago is that this will not bother me a whole lot for the moment and i know there will be other opportunities to take advantage of.

indeed i thought about this. what if say my current job enabled me to get the experience to go back to the movie theater business as a manager. one way to look at it if this was something i really wanted to do. as it turned out even though this was my first management interview experience it proved not to be the last and better opportunities came up later in spite of that initial disappointment.

by the way, the song of choice was no accident. it seemed fitting to use this James Bond theme for this post. “for you, i have to risk it all” seems to be good background music for this post especially for the subject matter.

NSFW – Porn

Back to a semi-infrequent topic. To underscore the fact that this post isn’t safe for work the pic below is of Sinnamon Love getting some lovin’.

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I started this post in early February getting ready for this period called Lent. Those who are Catholics had chosen to give something up, often a vice but it could be other things. It’s something I have only become aware of fairly recently.

Hell I didn’t realize the big party in New Orleans they call Mardi Gras was in keeping with Lent. It’s not a very Christian thing to show off your boobs for beads. Anyway I digress. 😛

 I want to steer this thought towards how any potential growth for any relationship with a woman could be damanged or stunted because one chooses to view women through the lens of porn. I often fantasized about getting a woman in the same predicatement as that man had gotten Ms. Love.

Now to make Ms. Love not a nasty fantasy but a real person I can recognize that yes she’d be the one I’d like to make whoopie with. Meaning she’s done it in front of video cameras and done it many different ways so therefore she’d be worth it.

A lot of these women out there with whom I may have interest and unfortunately a difficulty expressing it I have no idea the extent of their desires. That is I don’t know what they’re willing to do for any man, especially one they may care for. It’s the great unknown and what often vexes me is the fact that it takes time to get a woman to the point where she’d even go there with you.

I realize often at various points that I have opportunity and it’s never taken. When it’s obvious I’m unsure how to proceed. Sometimes my hesitance may have done me some good but often depending upon her I may feel like I missed out on something.

Anyway, I realize that the fantasy of anal or just frolicking with a woman in general as they do in porn is one that intensifies in my mind. Especially I’m not getting any and that means somehow there needs to be some change in focus. Perhaps its in changing my comfort level with conversing with women and then steering whatever develops from that into attraction.

So far in just pondering this I still have little clue how to turn that imaginary key.