my late dad’s birthday is coming up

when jack v loses his dad…

i often have stated that my dad passed away when i was 17. his death was due to a stroke, but often i attribute it to his alcoholism. he just couldn’t stop drinking and seemed unwilling to seek help to beat his addiction.

over the years i’ve known him to quit cold turkey only to go back to drinking. also he had high blood pressure and unfortunately he tended to stop taking the medication to address his condition. he seemed to not be able to take medication and drink alcohol at the same time.

either way one morning in march he went to his lonely job as a nightwatchman at a facility where it was just him by himself and he never came back home. the next shift started looking for him and as it happens he was found on the floor. who knows how long he had been unconscious, however, he was gone in almost three days time. if anyone had gotten to him sooner who knows if he’d be OK, but all i know is he just had to go to work that night. due to his alcoholism this didn’t seem like a job he took very seriously.

immediately before he passed away i was unsure of our relationship. he was a rather temperamental man who came up with his ideas out of his blue. often he could be angry when he was sober and easily as he would be when he wasn’t. my mother and i feared he was a ticking timebomb. it went off in an unexpected way.

sometimes i wonder how life would’ve turned out for me back then. often i did a lot of talking about what i wanted to do but little uncertainty as far as getting started. my mother figured college was in the future but to be honest it was too far in the back of my mind. that was because i had little concept up until going to a community college about how it goes and what it entails.

on the other hand due to my interest in militaristic like science-fiction i was keen on joining the service. it was slightly more easy to have a concept of that, but after my dad’s death i’m not certain how that would’ve worked out for me. i feel at my age i missed the boat on that although yeah i can still join the air force at least.

either way it probably would’ve been easier to risk going away to school earlier than i had with little idea of that world. or it would’ve been easier to risk joining the service as i had some interest. alas neither was a path i immediately took when it was time to make my decision on after high school life.

my mother at some point before my dad’s death sat me down to map out my future and i feel as if i didn’t want to map anything out. perhaps i thought i had it figured out or was just unwilling to make any serious plans. all the same, i wanted what i wanted and decided that i didn’t need my mother to create a map for me. of course this explains why i didn’t have a plan when i graduated from high school.

lately i traced my reticence to move forward with my life to my dad’s death. it sidetracked me on a number of things more than i realize. perhaps my need to pursue a military career to leave home wasn’t as critical as i had thought. my mother wanted me in school, she thought i had the grades to succeed and to be honest she was wrong.

i look at all the time i spent trying to finish undergrad. my high school years had been a fluke being on the honor roll for most of my time. all the while i realized it was too easy as i never been so lucky during grade school. it seems that if it was of great interest to me my mother never really encouraged this as she believed college should’ve been in my future.

my dad had encouraged my brother to join the military more than my mother. sadly my brother didn’t last in the military due to an illness. and it took a few years for my brother to turn things around for himself just as it had for me.

i realize that back then i was not very willing to execute my own plans. i talked about the military but wouldn’t do the deed. when it was time to go to that liberal arts college i balked and was called out by a relative on it with the simple statement ” i heard that before”.

perhaps i still have some time to get something accomplished as far as what i would like to do in my future. hopefully something that my future children would be proud of. in spite of my father’s imperfections i hope there would be a third man with my father and grandfather’s name.

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