crisis: past tense

Concession Counter at Movie Theater

i began to realize that i was in a bit of a crisis from roughly 2012 to 2014. this was the “streak era” and that crisis involved confidence. some of my coworkers weren’t confident in me because they wanted to create drama and sometimes that drama included me.

often i point the finger at the young girls who created their cliques and targeted people they don’t like. who knows what exactly their purpose was other than to flex their muscles but that’s what it is. the mgmt clique was another group that one had to be concerned about they actually could cost anyone their job and especially if they wanted to trust the accusation of the young clique.

working with people who are quick to throw you under the bus for the least reason causes a crisis of confidence. also, the general atmosphere among associates had been that we’re replaceable anyone could do the job. it doesn’t matter how well one may do the job, their attitude could easily become you may do it well but you’re expendable. when you think about it the cooks from the upstairs lounge learned this attitude and they all just quit, they were tired of it. all our mgmt did was find someone to replace them.

i was never confident that i was doing the job mgmt expected. what i faced is that even though i never got fired the job got done but you run into one person that picks over this & that. perhaps i may not often be a problem however when there is depending upon who’s on duty it gets magnified quick. there was a general issue with morale and mgmt of the time really wasn’t help. it doesn’t matter who you clamp down on!

another set-up when i was working at “the show” i was in my early 30s. just graduated from “mission college” was a bit optimistic about my future. i really believed that my degree would open some doors for me and sadly it didn’t open any during my time at “the show”. bad enough i was working at a movie theater but those who knew i had a college degree found a way to use it as a cheap shot. and towards the end my longevity was used as a cheap shot.

funny part of this story is that i rarely dreaded coming to “the show”, think about it. i had been doing it for five years almost and in some respects there had been far worse periods than the “streak era”. the only time i ever dreaded coming to work was when my brief time went on at “gotham bank”. i really dreaded going to work there until they cut me loose.

the “streak era” crisis was really i couldn’t GET OUT OF THERE. i had already decided i’m not going to leave the show unless i found another job during this period. this was my mindset, me getting fired didn’t enter into my thinking. i went to work with the belief that in order to find another job it was good to be working a job. unfortunately i fill out applications, get interviews and for a good period of time no job offers. essentially the crisis became why won’t employers hire me?

i suppose this is why i may still talk about “the show”. the moment i worked my final shift there really should be the end of the dwelling, but as established with me not so fast. there are plenty of stories to tell from my time. even if many of the people i worked with who caused problems only merge together with no distinctions between them.

now i can say that if yours truly deserved more i’m there now. i got something out of my time there, it helped me get to where i need to be now. here’s hoping i continue to learn these many lessons.

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the girl is not the goal…

then what is it? that’s the obvious question and reddit – perhaps you can call it seddit – has the answer. i think i like the answer and even got some parts of a numbered bucket list checked out. the main thing:

When you focus on becoming the best version of yourself, women find this naturally attractive. Yes, you can still benefit from breaking down and analyzing the social dynamics between men and women, and we can still get better results through techniques and theory. But there is no technique for attraction as powerful as becoming a man who knows what he wants out of life and goes out and gets it.

a matchmaker figured this out quick and now having arrived in a new period of great change – “the apocalypse” – it’s time to make some necessary moves. moves that will benefit me and get something out of life for myself.

my focus has been on jobs and money. that’s fine then what?

To Anyone Who Thinks They’re Falling Behind In Life

Read this on the HuffPost recently. Good article and somewhat encouraging. Things will happen when I’m ready for it. I don’t necessarily do things because someone else wants me too. It’ll happen when it happens:

Sometimes we’re not yet the people we need to be in order to contain the desires we have. Sometimes we have to let ourselves evolve into the place where we can allow what we want to transpire.

Let’s just say that whatever you want, you want it enough. So much so that you’re making yourself miserable in order to achieve it. What about chilling out? Maybe your motivation isn’t the problem, but that you keep pushing a boulder up a mountain that only grows in size the more you push.

There’s a magic beyond us that works in ways we can’t understand. We can’t game it. We can’t 10-point list it. We can’t control it. We have to just let it be, to take a fucking step back for a moment, stop beating ourselves up into oblivion, and to let the cogs turn as they will. One day, this moment will make sense. Trust that.

Yes!

regroup

career-growth

i’m in training for a different position than my current one at “fresh foods”. this is more of an administrative role than a customer service role and as state one that could place me on track for mgmt. this is the growth i often talk about that i missed at “the show”.

for the most part it seems like a smooth transition and it feels strange essentially being the new guy again. the difference this time is basically already knowing the people who i’d be working with. i’m not joining an existing team – or more commonly being part of a new team – with whom i mostly never met before applying, interviewing and accepting a job.

it’s more work than i ever have undertaken in a long time perhaps aside from some of those days at the show where i did really have to earn my meager pay. still worthwhile in the long run.

to explain my work history during my 20s was terrible. although i had attained a college degree, my lack of experience probably would’ve held me back big time. it was easier to get a job in retail and hope for a future opportunity in a field where i attained my degree. that or make enough money to go back to school for an advanced degree.

on this blog i feel as if i spent time badmouthing “the show” or perhaps some of the people – managers and coworkers – i worked with. well what i try to remember was that it was worthwhile to work there almost 5 years while i never before had such solid work experience. working through my frustration during the course of five years there only set me up for today’s growth.

growth is important for this new period i will refer to as “the apocalypse” and my hopes are to achieve some important goals. perhaps as time goes on it’ll be worth sharing them.

the check

check

i forgot to mention more about depositing money into my accounts on the bank that formerly employed my mother. basically i deposited my tax refund check into both my savings and checking. most of it went to checking so that i could use that to pay my bills mainly credit and student loans.

the remainder went into savings which for the first time ever moved my account past the $10K mark. wow if only i had continued to add money to my account a few years ago when i collected that social security checks – as a result of my dad’s sudden passing – which pushed me past $5k before i even turned 19.

anyway my mother’s ideas are already put some money away in a CD. anthony my oddball friend from “the show” seems keen for me to buy a car. and i’m sure there are some other ideas, but for now I’m keen on continuing saving. and at that as i’m interested in changing banks in the future perhaps evaluate interest rates.

as far as a car if i continue to live at home and work in downtown chicago i’m not sure about the value of a vehicle. i won’t likely drive to work especially if parking could be an issue although it would help me out with my new job situation where i’d have to be at work starting at 5 am everyday. on the other hand this would make it easier for me to come and go as i please. can’t really do this with my mother’s vehicle. for now the jury is out but hopefully i can find something to spend cash and then hopefully get what i really want eventually.

yeah so for the next two weeks at least i’ll be doing more receiving at my store. remember two years ago i left “the show” for a job that would allow growth. i wasn’t growing at the movie theater. some of it was a self-inflicted wound, however, it probably wasn’t meant to be anyway. all the same, if it becomes a permanent job then that means more more and means more money to put away.

also it means more time on my hands. i would get off in the early afternoon – say about 1 pm or so. that could mean doing some moonlighting and it could also mean i could develop a plan B while doing this. and yes moonlighting could mean i could go back to a movie theater in the future and closer to a living salary especially if i can work more hours without losing sleep.

and yes it could also mean more time to meet women available women who hopefully are the ones i can connect with in a meaningful way – yeah whatever that means. perhaps more time to socialize and enjoy my time and develop meaningful hobbies and even connect with people who enjoys them.

with those things in mind some things are changing at my job. as i somewhat failed to do at “the show” the goal now is to get whatever i can get out of my job now. it may mean i have to learn to do receiving or buying and possibly parlay that to another job elsewhere if necessary. as much as i see a future at “fresh foods” it’s also possible that my future may not be there.

my future could be the main fantasy i had while i was struggling with being a bank teller after leaving “the show” becoming a theater manager. something i had two opportunities to accomplish. at the moment i could settle for being a grocery manager – department or store. i could make more money at a grocery store than at a theater. but that’s one path i can take for sure and perhaps the new potential job situation would allow me to accomplish that in some small way.

now i just have to adjust and adapt to the current new reality at work and with life.

odds & ends

* recently i went to my bank to deposit my federal tax refund. most of it is being used for bills the rest is being saved. the bank i went to was empty as it’s undergoing a transition having failed earlier this year. this bank was where i had my savings account since i was 18. now it has me thinking i should change banks though i was keen on doing it when the failure occurred i’ve since been taking my time and still thinking about it.

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* speaking of that bank, my mother recently went there to clean out her office. she hadn’t seen the inside of that place since she went on medical leave again in december. she was why i had an account there in the first place starting a savings account for me so that i have somewhere to deposit the social security checks for my dad. all the same all the changes that occurred the failure and ultimate sale to another bank happened while my mother was on medical leave. because of these changes she never returned to work. that’s a story in and of itself however.

* for this now i call this current period “the apocalypse”. i could compare this period to the “streak era” from 2012 to 2014 where i was getting interviews but no job offers. this period is far more different and of significant change which led to my mother’s unexpected retirement. that day was coming sooner or later and now it just means she’s not in the position to help me anymore and i’m literally going to be on my own. i see it as a positive development however there was some uncertainty as there had been when i left “the show” in 2014 to become a bank teller

* what led to this period is a bit of an interesting story and happened long before my mother was diagnosed with a compound fracture in her hip/thigh area. the real effects of this new situation involved insurance. when my mother’s employer sent a check to pay premiums the insurer sent the check back because that company no longer exists. the new company had their own insurance and insisted on using that instead of paying for what already existed. it resulted in my mother having to scramble to seek further treatment from her hospital when a nursing service called her to say her insurance was cancelled and no nurse would come to the house. so my mother further scrambled to get medicare and then get some form of tweener insurance.

* it finally connects in my mind that it’s more or less all me now. definitely a scary prospect, however, because of my mother’s condition it makes some goals more difficult. for example i’m interested in moving out, however, that plan is tempered by the fact that mother isn’t as mobile as she used to be. another wrinkle is that i may possibly choose to leave home and when i do my mother may choose to sell her house. she doesn’t want to be at home by herself and i really don’t want her to sell off the house.

* in this new era of significant change i have some decisions to make. especially now that i’m about to head into the 2nd half of 2017. the decision i make will allow me to be far more comfortable about even thinking about dating in the future. besides if i get nookie from any prospective woman the last place i’d want to take her is home where my retired mother lives.

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may 2007

so i go way back for this one 10 years ago. so the actions set in motion from this period would likely set the tone for the next 7 years at least. i will begin to explain.

i was at “mission college” still plodding and largely floundering. i was actually a senior and it turns out i won’t be graduating that spring. i had my ass handed to me in several of my courses during the course of that year. mostly Fs with a splash of D’s and D+’s. and by the end of this summer i would be kicked out of school again and had to fight my way back.

yeah remember that brief blurb i wrote about a girl named nicole (yeah the post involving my cousin) well during that period i had also been kicked out of mission and appealed for re-instatement. i chase after some woman and got nothing for my troubles and almost lost my opportunity to get a degree from this prestigious college.

all the same i made quite a few key mistakes and paid for it with bad grades. i was lucky to come back out alive the next semester when i fought my way back in with an appeal armed with a spreadsheet determining which grades should count. if only i was that much of a genius so that this didn’t happen in the first place.

now why this sets the time tone for the next seven years – from 2007 to 2014 – because this would be the one time i just said fuck it. i was finally alright with letting this go. no more designs on getting a prestigious degree from “mission college” and i could jump start my life during what was left of my 20s. just come home and start job hunting and get my life in order.

while this life wasn’t exciting it was unconventional. this also would mean no more looking at those “hillman college” women as a college student. no more student loan debt, studying, expensive books or even courses made difficult.

i can only imagine what i would’ve done if i never got reinstated. i know i’d be looking for another job and i’d have to explain what happened with my school. why i never finished my degree and better yet where have i been since i really hadn’t held down employment. i’d have been a very risky hire surely.

then i wonder if i’d have found myself at “the show” and perhaps i’d be in a better situation in my early 30s if i had never finished at “mission”. to be honest i have little idea today. if graduating from “mission” was my goal i reached it to my surprise…