family reunion

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the reunion was something of an awkward affair actually there have been quite a few awkward ones over time. i briefly told about how my aunt laura was trying to talk to me early one morning – and while i was still half-sleep – she just decided she had to go in on me quickly. it turned into more of an ordeal than she really and a bit before she finally recognized i didn’t really want to talk.

in fact on two occasions she had little problem asking me for a mint or a piece of candy. she just had the need to ask just to get something out of me, i complied silently just to keep it moving. otherwise she finally recognized that i wasn’t feeling it.

incidentally there are other situations with her i had where her awkwardness is just apparent. for example in her interest in trying to talk to me she has little problem getting close to my personal space, especially since i’m trying not to show any interest in talking to her. some people have the need to force the issue especially if someone doesn’t want to be bothered.

since i had attended “mission college” there were some people bragging and without many details i let on that i didn’t do that well. to which one of my uncles just outright blurted out to other family and they start saying we got to fix that. of course upon hearing the action almost always never happens.

my uncle richard i have a bit more of a close relationship with and i express interest in joining his frat. though often he seems busy so perhaps he’s not that accessible and also i had to remember that he has his own family too. he definitely is big on we got to make sure you do better in college.

for the most part i wasn’t particularly sociable during this reunion other than with those i’m most comfortable. you still have natalie and her husband nathan – who was very quick to force a handshake and a quick “thank you for stopping by” after we found ourselves at their mcmansion in the suburbs.

then soon it was time to return home to chicago and then figure out how i’ll go back to “mission”. first my mother soon will go on a cruise and after that sets her expectations somewhat randomly and that means she expects me to go back to school to finally attain my associate’s degree. soon i will tell that story.

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past tense: the ride back to “mission”

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right now i’m in the mood to reminisce. tonight jack v discusses again the period of time after his first semester away at “mission college”. let me assure you the above image doesn’t entirely reflect how i view the situation.

the summer after i went away to school at “mission college” there was a family reunion. i briefly told one story about attending a family reunion planning meeting hosted by my aunt laura. this meeting was where she decided to see if i wanted to speak where i briskly said no and she jumped in her seat as if i struck her with lightning.

my aunt nadine had picked me up at “mission” and then brought me further out to a local restaurant for this meeting. after the meeting nadine went home and sends me back to “mission” with cousin natalie. had no choice in this instance as i didn’t drive myself needed to go back to campus and my aunt does a lot of driving so perhaps she was tired.

unfortunately with natalie & her husband nathan this ride wasn’t going to be a quiet one. natalie wants to have a conversation and i likely wasn’t that interested. probably was tired myself as it’s a long ride to where the restaurant was. as often as she could both her and her husband forced themselves to laugh at whatever weak witticism i seemed to have. i tried to be funny, but honestly i was in an uncomfortable situation and was unwilling to adjust to it.

she tried hard to get me to talk about the women i met from “hillman college”. if you remember natalie tried to get me to talk about essentially “nicole” – who i actually met during this first semester away from home – almost two years or so later. when i return after a year-and-one-half absence i attempted to make some moves and it didn’t work out for me – may tell that unfortunate story one day.

as for this particular period of time with my roommate introducing me to women at “hillman” i was a long way from establishing anything remotely resembling friendly relations with the ladies. unfortunately my cousin wants know about my romantic life it was her primary expectation. however if she was starting to decide if i was going more and more anti-social perhaps she was wondering if i wasn’t able to form a bond with women as i was unwilling to bond with her as a cousin.

here’s the thing, natalie likely knows that i was close to her younger sister. she tried to really stir something up in me with regards to her. at first mention, her husband responded.

nat: tasha is coming to town later this week.

nathan: oh yeah?

nat: jack?

yours truly: yeah?

nat: tasha is coming to town later this week.

yours truly: i heard

you know to explain i can’t remember if my aunt or mother told me she was in town or i just heard this for the first time from natalie when her husband responds. the fact that she brings this up is trying to change the dynamics of the conversation hence when her husband answers she merely calls my name and repeats what she just said.

in a few short minutes we arrive at my dorm. nathan wants to know – likely being nice – if he should drop me off in the back. i tell him he dropped me off in the right place….in haste. get out and acknowledge because they were expecting me to wave and they drive back to the burbs. meanwhile after that adventure near the end of the term back to reality and finish my semester as it turns out not so strongly.

perhaps another time, i’ll discuss the family reunion. there will certainly be more to say about this particular summer. especially before eventually talking about my senior year of high school.

virginity problem in japan

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i’m learning japan is starting to have a sex problem as many are remaining virgins into their adulthood. japanese men & women aren’t dating and they aren’t having sex. if men and women aren’t dating nor having sex they also aren’t getting married and having children. as a result the birth rate is declining

what’s going on over there. a japanese comedian said he thought women were scary – really? well that’s what he said basing his feelings off of rejection by women. rejection is a jarring response to his interest and that’s something i can relate to though i’ve had a few.

but what makes women scary? well nothing really, i have trouble forcing myself to express interest in a woman mainly because well i could get rejected. or i may not like what i see – on the other side when you finally get that woman she may also decide she doesn’t like what she see. women in and of themselves are not scary, but dating one and building a relationship that could turn into sexual interest or more can be scary

i see that porn has been blamed for why men and women in japan are remaining virgins into their adulthood. in my humble opinion that is a cop out. you’re reading the blog of an adult virgin who has watch his fair share of porn over the years. regardless as opposed to watching adult performers have sex for my enjoyment i still long for my own partner to experience sex. merely watching sex on a vhs tape or an online flash video is no fun.

indeed for me at least i’ll know how sex is between two people even if it’s basically a performance. if it’s not a way for a virgin to educate themselves about the various aspects of sex then certainly it’s a way for a person – who is lacking in the sex dept – to please themselves. even then please yourself all you want you’re still not getting any from a compatible mate.

then also a stagnant economy in japan! perhaps that’s somewhat closest to my situation. i have student loans and for a good period of time as i entered my 30s my job prospects weren’t getting much better. i remained at a minimum wage job hoping for the best and waited some time before i finally found a better job that paid more, offered more hours, and provided benefits. even if there were available women who would date me being in such a situation caused me to stay out of the dating scene because i couldn’t believe a woman would be interested in me romantically.

perhaps that leads up to self-esteem. perhaps i had my own issues with it and not only counting the fact that i’m still a thirty-something virgin. i could talk about yours truly as a twenty-something virgin. perhaps you have to find a way to not define yourself or others according to whether or not they’ve had or hadn’t have sex. whatever your status there is something your proud of and regardless there has to be something that would attract a mate.

perhaps i struggle with this. no quirky interest or hobby could attract a mate. or perhaps that same quirkiness could attract the right person who is quirky themselves. and i certainly have developed some quirky interests/hobbies that may not interest available women.

who knows what has stunted the dating scene in japan right now.

triggered

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superman triggered!

remember at the end of the last year and i mentioned a troll i worked with that was referred to as mr. deranged – or deranged barney or d.b. ran into him recently after work and he gave a maniacal cackle and bellowed out in his insane way “jjjyyyyackkkkk“. when i saw him i made sure not to show a reaction and just continued crossing the street as if he never spoke to me.

it triggered me to the point where i texted and called some former friends/coworkers. anthony thought i was being cold to d.b. i could’ve been like hey what’s up. you know treat him like a human being even if he still just doesn’t act like one at all.

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pun intended

barney sent me a friend request thanks to a mutual coworker deciding to connect with him online years ago and tagging me. this coworker whom i consider somewhat a friend was a bit of a prankster and i feel as if he wanted to start some shit and fan some flames. with that in mind i only blocked d.b. as i had no interest in connecting with him online at all.

before the friend request i used to lurk d.b.’s fb profile. remember he lost his job after mgmt discovered – i might have said something in a tense moment – that he made a video where he mentioned my name. in fact this video had a superhero cut off the head of his version of yours truly. so i used to lurk to see if he says anything about me.

i used to say watching or reading anything from him would drop anyone’s IQ a few points. then i started doing it and at some point using his stupidity that he recorded of himself as ammo i began to lose points on my IQ. yeah i had friends who were tired of me talking about him, but one main thing seen on his fb page made me rethink my position.

to start he showed pics of himself as a child with his parents and a family car. it never ocurred to me that he was part of a family and that he was a boy once. there was even a pic of the family car a 1970s pontiac. then later i wondered how did d.b. become who he is with parents who hopefully loved him, clothed him, housed him, fed him, etc. how did he become so deranged?

with this in mind after being triggered i realized first that how often am i likely to see him? it was mostly sparingly since got fired almost five years ago. also consider it’s likely i never have to work with him again thus i won’t have to see his deranged face ever again.

another thing i had to remember is he’s the one with issues not me. that’s not to say i don’t need to see a shrink, but as far as problems d.b.’s further out there than i am. probably even proud of it!

with this said the lessons of a few years ago reminds me of what happens when i stooped to his level. i don’t feel very good about it now and with whatever rare occasion where i do see him my goal is to not feed into d.b. crazyment. the drama now would likely be seen on social media and go viral which could be more drama for me. it’s possible it can become more drama for him as he’ll make a huge spectacle of himself.

though as i said in that last post about him d.b. had nothing to lose or gain, but me for stooping to his level i had everything to lose. things have been going good for me since i left the show, it’s important for me to keep it that way.

spoiler

by september i hope to talk a little bit about my senior year of high school. i’ve grown to realize it was a period of great disappointment in a variety of ways. at the same time it sets the tone for how life has been at this point. it’s hard to believe it’s close to 20 years since graduating from high school.

before i talk about senior year how did i get there. well the story really starts when i leave the 8th grade. perhaps this is where i could’ve started to peak but found myself intimidated by a number of things.

to start, i will admit i didn’t go to a good high school in a large urban district as we have here in chicago. my mother was more concerned about safety going to and from school than the caliber of school. she figured there was no big difference whether a magnet school or a neighborhood school. me on the other hand i didn’t work very hard to assure a different result.

my dad was around but he wasn’t that engaged in the process. he might have had the same mind as my mother as far as these city schools there is no huge difference between them. now he had been an employee of the school system but it’s not like he did much interactions with school teachers and administrators.

also i never concerned myself with how the system worked at that point. for example could i have gone around my 8th grade teacher? was there a possibility that i could have gone over his head to the school counselor or perhaps the school’s assistant principal who was formerly my third grade teacher. my mind only runs about that, but no idea as this was a course never pursued.

my 8th grade teacher i’ve concluded was a man who at least towards me never had anything nice to say to me. the last time i ever saw him he essentially ignored me and i never tried to keep his attention and remind him who i am. he showed attention to another former student who he got along with much better. it’s safe to say he didn’t care for me that much and didn’t mind threatening me with holding me back a grade.

only reason he gave to not go to the neighborhood high school where my parents wanted me to attend was – i’m going to get messed with and they’ll take my lunch money. i was standing right there and he told my parents this. it was never he could do much better than this high school. just absolutely negative to the core, then again what did i show him?

so either way whatever he tried to convince my parents of it didn’t matter. to the neighborhood school i go instead of anywhere more safer much better academically. no concern about commute between home and school and any weird thing that was going to happen in between.

to set this up by my freshman year of high school my mother would be laid off from her job at a bank in downtown chicago. she didn’t know this was going to happen in the 8th grade so therefore if she was working downtown and i was on my way to school or on my way home she had little piece of mind. it was just the overriding concern for her more than i could’ve gone to a better school.

she also thought my dad could eventually find a job close to what he had around the time i was born. he had worked in manufacturing before becoming a grave-yard shift worker for the public schools. she hoped he could find such a job again although by the time i came around those jobs were disappearing. with no high school diploma and his inability to stay focused to get a GED the clock was ticking on doing better than he had been.

the lesson here that i should’ve learned back then is that sometimes while your parents should have your best interests at heart they sometimes don’t. sometimes it’s all up to you as far as what you want to do. as with a lot of things – and possibly not knowing – i left my future up to others. at least as a grown man now i can at least determine my future.

in the meanwhile soon it’ll be time to start talking about my senior year in high school. perhaps in general my time in high school.