Climax revisited

Another critical thing that happened this month during the past decade was my dismissal from the Hole. I call that day now and forever the climax of the reign of error. I wrote briefly about one of the after effects of that period which is yet another mgmt change at my former store in my former dept.

I don’t really want to rehash what happened back then although I do have a story to share about that moment. I relate it to what happened during the past few months and note the similarities and differences. However that will be another time.

I have to say that it’s something that I have to take responsibility for as stated here on occasion. I had the wrong boss to play around with and perhaps I was in a situation that perhaps allowed some complacency. It was something that I had taken for granted, however, once a new boss was installed all bets were soon off. It’s like he honed in on something he didn’t like and he pounced immediately. What makes this story laughable was that the situation didn’t work out for him either.

Regardless if anyone wants to think about one cosmic reason for what happened. Why did I “point out”? Why did I have to be late that one last time? Why didn’t mgmt at the Hole from Rog to Morley accept that delay slip from the transit authority? Those are questions that may never be answered. And again this is something I want to cover at a later time.

Long story store aside from those unanswered question the “cosmic” reason for this very disappointing result is what I have been talking about since 2018. I’ve already discussed yet another after effect of this era which was my situationship with the Fiend has changed. And I’ve also written what I consider now the strains within what I would now refer to as a very odd friendship.

I feel as if possibly remaining at the Hole even in a somewhat diminished capacity would likely mean that perhaps I’d continue that situationship. More requests for money or even more negativity. One I started on a new course during that summer he really ramped up his negativity. Even decided to engage in the diversion of trying to get me to leave for his preferred company and “make more money”.

However, if I suffered an unexpected reversal and had no “decent money” coming in why would I help him? Why would I accept a message to call an anonymous person who turned out to be not so anonymous because he merely changed his phone number? I realize a lot of his actions weren’t reasonable overtime and seemed to change with his moods or even his needs. Why did it take me so long to finally do something about it?

Of course I might emphasize there was a strong possibility that I’d have to listen to his negativity about the bull$h!t that happened at the Hole. Perhaps he’d start off positive but knowing his general patterns he’d probably find a way to question me as far as why this happened and how it happened. He’d be a disappointed father who’d determine that I’m unreliable and what happened showed why. Of course this is coming from someone who never had a real plan that hopefully would propel me forward other than chasing other jobs that would provide nothing more than another few cents on top of what I already make anyway.

Well to change the subject slightly with this pandemic and what happened at my current assignment I suffered another reversal. Perhaps it’s only served to put some things into perspective and perhaps to reinforce what I’ve determined since the “climax” which is that a job is nothing more than a means to an end. One can work to earn money however there are other ways, however, while you’re working why not maximize your potential while you’re at a company. If it’s not possible then move on!

What I hoped would work out at the Hole didn’t which I can attribute to my own complacency and the changes occurring in such a short period of time back then. Perhaps that’s a bad habit that I need to really take care of NOW. This was yet a hard lesson I need to take to heart.

The Hole

I found out last month that Larry was going into IT and was leaving the Hole thus his job was posted and unfortunately he was replaced by….Rayna. I haven’t maintained much contact with her since I’ve left the Hole, in fact when I’m in the store or in the neighborhood I’ve avoided her. Just felt that there was nothing there for me to even think we’d have a decent relationship.

She was the one who delivered the paperwork for the attendance probation along with an assistant store mgr. It was a weird affair when they tried to give me a “pep talk” I just tried to show hardly any reaction, the worst reaction was going to come a bit later at the climax. The assistant store mgr was more worried about me being upset at the time. What does he care unless he wanted a reaction?

Anyway I can’t believe I see her as the dept mgr for my old team at the Hole. She finally got what she wanted, as she was over there in 2017 to get the role and was deemed not ready. I wonder how much has changed since she transferred to the Hole and became another assistant mgr here. If she wasn’t ready four years ago how is she ready now?

Anyway I used to say it was more likely that I would return to the Hole. I don’t know about that now, perhaps it’s just time to move on from that fantasy. So many changes and so many people who I’ve worked with have finally moved on either to other companies within the store or within the company or whatever. Perhaps my plan to say it’s not that easy to get rid of me isn’t going to happen so easily.

Another fantasy I’ve had was to show up the people who were characters within the “Reign of Error” people like Morley or Roger or even since he’s still with the company as of now Mr. Boastful. If Rog ever thought of me any further beyond sending me to store leadership with the knowledge that on that day I was let go how upset would he be that I got his old job instead? And proved far more successful in that role than he was?

Would I ever be ready for that possibility? Is thinking that way a mistake?

Anyway as for Rayna who knows what the future might hold for her. She’s got what she wanted finally the question I might have to ask is whether or not she’ll be successful. Part of me thinks it will last six months and she’ll have to step down. I heard too many things about her past or what witnessed some issues to think that this will be a successful endeavor.

Meanwhile as a continuation of the most recent post, where do I go from here? Still working on it!

What’s new with the job?

The new receiver had recently started in our dept. In fact I had no idea he was going to start I come in and he’s at work already. He starts at 4 AM and usually gets off at 12 PM. He’s pretty fast, but to stop myself from nitpicking I keep my distance since my attempt to score the position left me feeling jilted.

He’s actually getting better at neatness, which I do believe is my strongsuit. Problem is if I make everything look in order then the next nitpick from mgmt would be speed. Because of the belated feedback my boss gave me with regards to the then open position I worked a lot faster when I took care of the product. Sadly too late for them to change their minds but eh…

Regardless as I can say about others we just work differently. It’s not a bad thing everything needs not be done my way, too bad others won’t see it that way. Also the new receiver is getting much better at what he’s doing. Bottom line is getting better is a long term process.

The last time I talked about this I don’t remember if I ever discussed his background. The man in question had worked on another team overnights. He’s probably used to putting things away while the store is closed and he certainly makes good money presumably. As I’m trying to do he is looking to expand his roles at Fresh Foods. I still have to say it sucks that I still couldn’t get close to consideration.

For the most part I keep my distance and focus on the floor. I also see that our new receiver will go on vacation and I’ll be doing it for those days he will be off. But if you don’t know I’m trying to figure out what’s next I feel as if I made the milestone I needed to make with this company or am close to it in spite of the hiatus from 2017-18.

Recently I’ve asked one of the supervisors in my dept how can I do additional training into buying. He just said go to store mgmt and let them know of my interest and go from there. It’s something that should be done on the clock as opposed to at home. I just want to make the efforts to learn the roles that I want.

It won’t just be given to me. I have to make some efforts.

October 2014

I wrote a version of this post back in 2017 and find myself very dissatisfied with it. So I will rewrite it with a very different focus.

October has proven to be an important month and seven years ago it represented a transition from my job at The Show to another job at Gotham Bank. It was a long time coming after two years of job hunting with some starts and stops and frustrations. At this point my search for a job offer was finally ending.

The situation at the cinema was mellow for the most part. Well almost as there were still odd conflicts though once I did turn in my two weeks things calmed down. Some of the mgrs I seemed to have not done very well with even started talking to me again. Were they glad I left for something better? Which is strange, wouldn’t they want to be rid of me? Some of them acted like it!

The coworkers I didnt get along well with – often teenaged girls or the meangirls of $h!tplace – gave me some distance expressing their silent disdain. That’s OK perhaps one day they’ll get the job that they want. Perhaps they need to find out how to get along with people better.

I had a list of things to complete before I finally started on my first job at the bank. To be fair it didn’t start off very well and set the tone until what would happen in December. At the same time there was some excitement or at least that’s what I wanted to feel about my next move at that time.

Who am I kidding? I was apprehensive about this move. It was time to move on from The Show, however, perhaps I was unsure about this. Perhaps I didn’t really want to leave the cinema. Isn’t that strange to not want to leave a place where you were so frustrated, miserable, or sometimes isolated? Yeah it was but then some things to consider.

First off I’d be working closer to home as opposed to near the vibrancy of downtown Chicago. Not to say that was a problem, however, it wasn’t ideal. My four interviews with different Gotham branches three of them were at branches in or around downtown and who hired me the one branch near my part of town. In a neighborhood that was sketchy, in fact a neighborhood where Anthony’s martial arts school was. It was a culture shock to actually work at that branch and experience the slicksters, the problems, well things you expect working with the public. Now I’m really responsible for the money.

Though in my optimism if I could make it at that branch on the south side perhaps I could make it anywhere. Perhaps even go to the main branch in downtown which I learned intimidated the temperamental supervisor Minnie at my branch. Ugh it just didn’t take too long to realize this wasn’t working. My mother’s job was nearby at the time sometimes after work I would hold up in her office and sometimes I run into her colleagues who would note my banking job trying to encourage me. I just wasn’t feeling it…

Meanwhile at The Show as I get on-boarded and do training off site from the branch. I was working my last few days at the cinema. A long time in coming – the victory lap was ending and my last day ever as an employee there.

Once the training was over I went to the cinema closest to where I would be working in the future at the Hole. The picture I saw on that evening was Dear White People. It was an entertaining satire that I enjoyed and a great way to bookend the most interesting era that I was finally leaving behind.

I was leaving behind The Show and I was leaving behind the Streak Era.

Allow me to share Time from the film Inception soundtrack. It’s a great track which could work with this story I just told. Inception was shown during my first year at The Show and is legitimately one of my favorite pictures of all time!

The next to last “drop” 2016

I’m still struggling to come up with a final post on the Fiend so I just simply have settled on this story. It will take place just before the episode election day. It was a nice fall day as we’re having currently in Chicago.

Whenever I talk about Anthony the Hustler/Fiend my goal is to tell that story straight. One thing that I striven not to do was to go on the attack against him. Perhaps the various monikers that I have given him including the more frequent ones in addition to a hard-up old man might skirt the line as far as personal attacks. And I also want to note that I strove not to really exaggerate my stories about him. As far as whether or not I was successful in my writings to stay away from attacking I’ll leave up to you all.

The monikers and stories I have written about him are based on my interactions with him. So a lot of what’s written are real life situations. And as stated before you will see a common pattern with what you read and it’s hard to really do anything with a lot of situations. For my purpose it’s just me collecting and analyzing the data.

Around this time in 2016 I answered a call from Anthony. I do recall that he had been calling and texting and for some reason we never did connect. When we finally did I said something sarcastic about not having a sense of urgency in responding or returning his calls. He had to respond to that wondering what’s wrong. In fact it seemed he was making an effort to read me when he did get me on the phone.

As we were talking he seemed to notice my silence as he starts talking frequently asking “What’s wrong”. He noted my lack of sarcasm on my call though usually when I get into that mode he would often get offended and will express it….like a disappointed father. Strangely on this day I was a tad subdued because if he’s somewhat putting on a full court press – not that he was blowing up my phone though he was certainly trying very hard to get in touch with me not like the later episode One Final Drop.

A few times I had to tell him nothing was wrong but if I was silent I was expecting him to get on with the point because I knew there was one. At some point he reached it which he stated “Another reason I wanted to talk to you. I need some money…”

Boo! I stated.

He didn’t understand in this moment that I had objected to his request for money. However I was going to give him some money I just wasn’t at the mode where I got sick of it although this was irritating to me for sure. It’s not like he was doing this frequently but it was enough times that it was on my radar. Up to that point if he’s getting something from me it was a free lunch. Either way to respond to his response to my “Boo” I just simply told him that was my sarcasm that he was waiting for.

We did meet later and he had no money for his lunch. When I asked him if he had anything he just shrugged. Basically I was paying for his lunch and I gave him some as he termed it running around money. He claimed he didn’t have enough money to eat all he got on this day was $100 that I took out of the bank for him. I think I expected him to pay this back later but then there was other money from way back when that I had expected him to pay back.

He infrequently does but sadly there are moments where he might ask to borrow money again. Sometimes money on top of money he already owes. Either way something was wrong with what was going on and I knew it. I mean I already knew it but just not enough will at that time to cut it off.

When we were eating I told him about the episode Petty in full. He would state for the record it shouldn’t have went that far with the House Manager, General Manager and the young woman Kelly. Then at some point he makes reference to me being virgin thinking it was funny stating how I’d fill my girlfriend up covering his smirk with his hand. He knew he was out of line but just didn’t have a filter, he never had a filter. And just like I said that I should’ve left him on the expressway during the summer of 2011 I should’ve got him and left him at that food place we were at and let him figure out where to get his money from.

Either way later on that day he got his money. We take a train back to my house where he left his hoopty. On the way back we were talking about taking martial arts classes he was suggesting something connected with a church that he never gave me info on. Somehow he mentioned that he had been trying to get me to go to his own martial arts school – the one he decided to ask for money where he just simply stated he needs some money – and then I told him ultimately that I didn’t want to go to his martial arts school. He just stopped as he was about to speak probably offended by that but then kept it moving.

I forgot to reference the episode Applications. This was when he stopped at a store near The Show when he saw a job posting looking for workers before the store opens to stock the shelves. He seemed very excited about it and he later utilizing some excuses tried to get me to do his application for that job. Well I didn’t want to do all that work for him on that day.

Then he calls me on the evening of election day upset over the man who won the election. And after I tired of his repetition over who he thought that man who became our president for one-term was. Then we pivoted to other subject including a brief lecture on how I needed to start dating or the women will start laughing at me.

And then we go to the holiday season of 2016. He called me the day before asking if he could bring me with him to look at some cars – basically he was looking for cars via craiglist presumably to replace his hoopty. Anyway he finally paid back some money he borrowed which didn’t include the money I gave him months earlier. He owed me that money for over a year but didn’t consider an extra bill to pay back the “getting around money“.

That little excursion was funny. Our first stop was in the western suburbs and I was talking about a Finer’s store that just opened in the city – and why not talk about it I’m in the industry. Out of the blue he just decided to ask whatever happened with that. I gave him a shorthand story to tell him what happened again and hoped that would be it. Well I’ve been talking about it all year, it escalated to if you come to Finer Foods you’d make more money.

We get to a man’s house in the suburbs and he was talking about a part that Anthony could get for a small sum. Anthony didn’t want to hear that thinking he should’ve fixed it himself if it was that easy. He was complaining about a cracked windshield and then saw holes in the trunk lid where a spoiler used to be. He got on the phone to someone telling them about the car, from that call Ant told the man he has to turn it down because he was actually getting it for someone.

As we left the area Anthony asked “You know that was a fake call right?” I didn’t think much of it honestly but he revealed what he just did out there. Just being very slippery and finding a way to get out of making a purchase. Although it sounded like from what he was picking at he didn’t want the car anyway. I guess in my experience sometimes it isn’t easy to just say no.

So anyway that was really the last time I saw him until one day in the spring next year I saw him at the Hole as he was about to watch a movie at the nearby cinema. And I also had a few odd phone calls with him where he runs down some of my more negative episodes at The Show. I’d say from that meeting on a fall day in 2016 is where our “situationship” began to go downhill.

You know here is the kicker. Blame me for allowing such treatment, however, isn’t it odd that in some way you’re being helpful at the same time as time goes on you’re the one being treated like crap. It’s possible he thought his behavior was OK and as per usual I wasn’t willing to say this wasn’t OK. And knowing him I could tell him and he still won’t budge. And then he has a problem as it turns out when I finally just “drop” him. It’s very odd…

Domino revisited

Before I get into this post let me do a bit of housekeeping.

I had been trying to write another post about the Fiend and find myself deleting and rewriting posts. Not sure what else to say about that situation. Anything written will largely just be a reinterpretation of the same story. As stated often I’m still collecting the data however also stated what new will come of it as there is really nothing new to discuss. I’ve not heard from him since 2019 and from that there is nothing new to discuss.

I feel as if the next post about him might be it with him. Yeah it’s been said before but that also means it’s just time to come up with some more material to share on this blog. With that said let me get to the main event of this post.

Another thing to close the loop on is the drama from my former store the Hole. Four years ago next month I was unceremoniously dumped from the Hole based on attendance. In fact Ruthless Roger had snuck up on me in my dept to quietly usher me to store mgmt offices and walked right back out before our store mgr Morley relayed to me the bad news.

Oh let me add I do have a story to tell with regards to a later tardy which I will tell at a later date. It will somewhat explain the sequence of events that led to my separation from Fresh Foods during the Reign of Error/Calamity of 2017.

Either way, I’ve revealed to you all that there were at least three people whom I still have contact with who expressed some “relief” that Morley had gotten let go. One of them even referred to him as a d!ckhead. Another said there is a God. And another still just said they wanted to see the look on his face when he got the bad news.

I don’t have the same anger towards him. If there is they’re directed towards Rog based upon his behavior not long after he arrived in our dept. Morley is part of the story of the Reign of Error because he had to relay the bad news. Morley compared to the other store mgr in the office at the time (he was the one I had unsuccessfully interviewed with to return to the Hole) was less than helpful. This was true when I tried to figure out the “red-tape” about getting a buy/receive position as he was also less than helpful and to be fair I wasn’t that forceful either.

Anyway I get the feeling that Morley wasn’t a very popular boss among many. And I’ve told some statements about some statements he had made towards our dept. For example how are you going to make a statement threatening us with our jobs and do so with a very playful attitude. That seems very insensitive and unprofessional.

With that said a supervisor in my current dept over the summer told me that Morley got let go in 2019 because he had failed a corporate walk and was under investigation for harassment. I don’t know what to say about walks other than I have no idea what a corporate executive – usually from Fresh’s regional HQ – is looking for on their visits. Whatever happened on whatever day that walk occurred it turned into the “green mile” for store mgr Morley. So evidently that walk didn’t go well and possibly that investigation wasn’t found to be in Morley’s favor.

Part of me wanted to really ask how he came across this info, I just decided not to push this any further. This was mind blowing information that I told only one of the three colleagues who had issues with him. That person simply said “fcuk that guy!”

I just told him the story about how yours truly found out Morley was let go and my response and he just told me. I’ve told him of some of my interactions with him though I didn’t tell him about my interactions with him when I was let go.

What I did reference when talking about Morley was not only the story I relayed to you all about what he said to us before a store meeting one morning. Also Morley’s justification for my termination which was as far as that final tardy “no one else was affected by it and corporate never said anything”. This was where that supervisor gave me some advice on this, that I should’ve actually escalated this further.

Well now we can close the book on this for this blog.

You make the call revisited

I wanted to touch upon this for a while since 10 years ago was when not only yours truly first ran into Anthony the Fiend. I also ran into this young woman named Candace. You may have seen a post about this, but it has occurred to me that both of their approaches were similar.

Both came out of nowhere. Candace was more flirty in her “first” approach stating repeatedly that “You know you heard me talking to you“. She was being playful at work after I never really acknowledged her greeting on one summer afternoon in an air conditioned cinema. To be honest it was just an irritating thing to be faced with as this came out of nowhere.

Oh yeah I forgot to note the initial episode I wrote during the first year of this blog “You make the call”. It underscores her relentlessness during that summer although as it turned out back then she gave up. She lasted only that particular summer in 2011. She gained some privileges along the way and for my unwillingness to just give her the attention she desired evidently she found ways to make me pay for it later down the line.

The more I ignored her advances the more she may have turned on me. I was just very unwilling to communicate my annoyance with her behavior. Her behavior wasn’t conducive to her desired effect whatever that was and it clearly wasn’t to see me just walk away with no response. To be fair, perhaps I was rude and cold to her and wrong for me to expect her to read my mind. Who knows if she’d respect the the knowledge that her approach just wasn’t working.

I surmise that many of the younger generation of women are a bit more bold and assertive in their desires. Many of them don’t understand that you can’t just treat men the way the women in their lives – presumably momma – treated men. You can’t go out of your way to bicker with them and/or perhaps you can’t just go around chasing them down as I felt Candice had in my case.

Oh yeah I forgot about the comparison of approaches. While Candice wanted to start off as playful and flirty to a guy who basically just met her and vaguely knows anything about her. The Fiend was certainly aggressive and assertive in his approach, even outspoken once he learned of where I went to college and my plans beyond the theater. Just remember the episode where I’m taking him home he clearly overstepped some boundaries to the point where I really should’ve left him on the expressway.

Of course since I never exactly learned Candace’s motives, I eventually determined the Fiend’s. To start he was clearly looking for someone he can mooch off of and as Candice had been that summer, he was certainly relentless looking for any means to connect with yours truly. If he found out I liked porn, he’d approach me on it shockingly letting me know who his favorite x-rated performers were. He wanted to connect as she had tried and in the long run the Fiend had far more success until he left The Show two years later.

What I can say about Candice is that on the surface she was a very beautiful woman who at the time was 19-20 years of age. She had a nice shape, nice long hair that she often pulled back into a ponytail, and personality wise she was very friendly or even approachable. She expressed her anger towards me on occasion as one afternoon at work she tried to speak and I ignored her. She snapped back at me in front of customers just trying to get a response which she got a very tense response and she tried to repeat her greeting. I respond with a quiet “Oh” and that was the extent of our interaction on that day.

I find myself wondering how much different my story would’ve been if I had been more friendly and approachable to Candice. Would Anthony have still interfered – and chances are he would if he could get away with it. Perhaps I would’ve never offered a ride to the Fiend, perhaps Candice would be getting rides instead. Perhaps Candace was also less than honest about her intentions like the Fiend.

Because of who Candace was associated with sometimes I wonder about that. Allegedly a manager called out for her when she no call no show. She seemed to be in with a certain crowd that included my one-off foe. Regardless as it turned out her time at The Show proved to be very brief and she got her privileges while there.

I did note that I saw her the next year – 2012. I don’t believe this to be apocryphal. She was on the train headed further north. I saw some key things from her like a tote bag she always liked to carry, she had long fingernails, I was pretty sure it was her. When we make eye contact she would often just break the gaze. Perhaps she just simply had enough of me and besides I had my chance and wouldn’t take it. So far that was the last time I had seen her.

I hope you read the original You make the call post

Disappointment

EDITOR’S NOTE: I had to repost this and needed to add some details. Also forgot to use a title so I just opted to do a copy & paste and repost fresh.

Well I was disappointed to find out that the job denied my application to be “team receiver”. I kept getting told there was a hold-up as far as going forward and eventually my boss told me that I “would be set up to fail if they offered me the position”. They mentioned that my pacing is not good that the load that I’ve been tasked to put away for most of the summer is hardly finished. And the assistant mgrs have determined that they probably would have conversations with me about why a load wasn’t finished and other housekeeping tasks.

The boss also recognized that they hadn’t done a very good job of preparing me for this future role. He somewhat expected the original team receiver to come back to his position. At this point it seems as if that’s not going to happen he might be going to the butcher dept going forward. That’s where he’s been scheduled since he returned to work in July.

A lot of what I did for most of the past summer was not only try to put things away but also help out as much as I could on the floor. We were understaffed we had a few people who either quit or moved on. One colleague went to another dept. So all summer long things have been a bit tight. They mentioned that my “pacing” wasn’t that great and that there was a certain amount of time I should be done with the load. All I could do was try to make my pacing a lot better.

So my application was rejected about a week after I applied. A few weeks later I see another position of interest for team receiver which would take me back to my original dept however at another store. In fact the store where my former boss runs the operation. And what makes this a bit more appealing is that it cuts the commute in half and this is definitely a promotion!

Another thing to consider with being a buyer/receiver is that for the most part I’d have to start early. I hadn’t really done that on a consistent basis in a while 7 AM is hard but try at least 5 AM or in the case of the position I applied for 4 AM. Very hard and yet because I wanted the job I was gearing up for it, however, I still rely on public transportation which makes getting to work that early very hard. I need to rectify that in the long run with my own car as my mother even as she gets older needs her own ride.

Right now I’m just thinking about it as I just don’t enjoy just rushing into things.

Recently the new assistant manager from my old team asked point blank “Do you want to come back?” I hesitated to answer at first and while he was quick to answer no, my answer was for the right position. Telling him I don’t want to come back and do exactly the same thing I had been doing. I’d consider a supervisory position or certainly being a buyer/receiver so far if there is a need there they haven’t posted accordingly. However just as my dept is understaffed so are they which prompted the question surely.

I see as of now the number of positions available in the company as of now from an average of 100 at one point in this state to the last time I checked over 500. If you’re looking for any job now is the time, take one and keep looking for the one you really want.

Meanwhile after these disappointments I’m starting to go back to my philosophy of a job is nothing more than a means to an end. Fresh Foods Inc has upped the game as far as how much money I can make and great benefits and a very easy way of putting food on the table. I just find myself wondering what’s next for me now, finally.

To go back to the well for a moment, for a few months this year I continued to write about the Fiend’s strange campaign to move on to Finer Foods in his words yours truly could make more money. To this day I have no idea about his justification for that. My emphasis was to cut this off and usually my answer was it would take something real crazy for me to even consider it.

In 2017, I think some momentum was on my side though little did yours truly recognize a brick wall was ahead the momentum began to sputter. Before that I was good or so I thought. I had to keep telling the Fiend about this opportunity and it seemed he blew it off. In fact when I tried to tell him I’d be learning about buying he instead steer the conversation to if you come to Finer’s you’d make more money. When he did that I snapped at him but due to his bullheaded nature that wasn’t enough to cut that off.

I’ve always surmised in recent years that if he was a bit envious of how I was doing there and without him it was also that this was just a diversion/distraction. Perhaps he didn’t want to hear my good news. I feel as if it’s very natural to expect those you consider friends – not that he ever was – about the good news. Still as he stated that the mgmt at the Hole liked me and wanted to show me how to do different things, he suggested that I could make money jumping ship elsewhere.

Then I got to thinking about it in recent years, what exactly would I be doing if I had jumped ship for “more money”? Would I still be working deli? My assumption was that to justify more money would be my experience at Fresh Foods. However, since this was never an option I was serious about this was not something worth pursuing.

It just informs me that Anthony had very little regard for what I hoped to accomplish. And if I had seriously pursued getting a position at Finer’s, perhaps there’s a possibility that while making more money I’d be back where I started. What would I have accomplished if I’m still at the same level I had been since graduating college.

Jack V wants to move forward and not stagnate. I left The Show because I stagnated – and often I cited stagnant wages especially and certainly there was no growth. What sense does it make for yours truly to just stay in the grocery business make a few more cents and remain stuck changing companies.

The brick wall I referred to was the “Reign of Error”. In the context of the aftermath of that period was when I considered the job is a mean to an end. That was the time to really explore what else I could do to make money. It’s time to look into those options again!

Eliminate

One of my long term goals has been to stay away from porn. I would be alright if I never watched a minute of porn as it’s become very perverse to yours truly.

Except that when I take a break from it sometimes I go right back to it. They say you shouldn’t quit something cold turkey except porn ought to be one thing one should quit in such a fashion. We’re not talking about substance abuse we’re talking about something that’s more psychological.

I shared a quick review of this movie from a few years ago called Don Jon which where the title character has largely the same types of issues. He may get the women he wants even had a girlfriend during the course of the movie but is so unsatisfied with his conquests that he turns to porn. The girlfriend had to catch him not once but twice to break up with him because he lied to her. Regardless she made him wait for sex and he was still unsatisfied.

He admitted later that the porn was him being selfish. He thought more of the fantasies he had from watching porn than the actual desires of the women he was with. It took meeting a widowed MILF to train him away from the fantasy of pornography. He realized in order to satisfy his needs he also had to satisfy the needs of his girlfriend.

I suppose after so many years of watching porn I had no issues with the various scenarios men and women find themselves in whether we’re talking threesomes or orgies. I talked about how I liked watching bondage scenes or women doing anal. I also recognize that if you take some of those things in porn into your own bedroom things could get to the point where one could go too far.

I could fantasize about smacking a woman upsider buttocks one time and watch the jiggle of her skin and muscles (or fat sorry ladies) then I get concerned about whether or not I could turn that off. Jack V wants a lifetime companion and lover not a partner who’s scared of him for not knowing where the line is.

So I realize that I need to stay away from porn. My mind need to be on more realistic relations with women. Yes I do desire a wife in the future and hope that we can do adult things as a couple I just hope that there isn’t a point where I could go too far. That’s my worry now and perhaps that makes me a terrified virgin.

My idealized relationship with a woman has always been romantic. I also know there are women who sneeze at that. Not all women seem to want a romantic man and yes I recognize being romantic might not be best at first meeting. However, porn which seems to have a history of cheesy pick up lines once a scene progresses is not the frame of reference I need when trying to build relationships with women.

What I recognize now is that the porn I see now where there are plenty of scenes with women who are pushed to the point where they might need diapers in the future. Or women who are often roughed up, slapped around or even faces contorted by the aggressive hands of a man is not something that is particularly appealing.

What’s also not very appealing about porn are the very alternative expressions of sexuality that now exist in porn. It’s strayed far away from what I started seeing porn for which is two people doing the nasty. There are things that I find perverse that now is just something I just don’t want to see. I steer far away from that content.

Just have to ask myself why it’s so difficult to move on!

Updates

I went out of town this past weekend a few hours outside of Chicago in another state. Nothing really to report I was about as far in the background as possible. One night I ate so much food that I took to my hotel room from the picnic and from a local eatery that it made me sick. My stomach started growling when trying to sleep and realized my no. 2 had to come out….BAD! Sounds like pee but smells like poo, yuck!

Felt this way all day on Sunday and found out my bus back to chicago was late, sat around in our hotel (me and my mother of course) went to the bus station. They kicked us out because they lock the bus station down until the next station agent arrives in an hour. I got frustrated and upset at the time traveling with a parent who isn’t as mobile as she used to be. I recognized days later yours truly wasn’t being much of a “head of the table”.

We got to another city when we finally did catch a bus ultimately my mother and I had our feel of the bus and the train station was nearby so we took a train back home. All these delays in getting back home meant that I couldn’t be at work in the morning. That’s fine because after all these issues I needed some rest a break and my excuse was my stomach issues.

Almost got hit with a “improper call out” which I have known people to get into trouble for legit sick or not. Usually if you want to use your sick days, there isn’t many questions however I didn’t entirely follow procedure. For one thing after waiting in a bus terminal in the wee hours of the morning once I got on the train I stretched out and took a nap. Too tired to care when I should let my bosses know that Jack V isn’t coming to work to his assigned shift, though that’s a piece of business that’s still necessary. Either way the truth is I did have a stomach issue as opposed to admitting that I had issues getting home in time for my shift. Because unlike an earlier tardy which I’ve yet to share with you, who knows if a national passenger railroad will allow you a delay slip for your job. Both are true regardless but I was using a sick day and I’d be miserable going to work with an upset stomach.

Well thankfully it’s largely subsided since being home. Just been using some over the counter medication and following online advice avoiding certain foods, drinking water and teas, and eating certain foods like bananas. I feel great just won’t allow myself to do what I did this past weekend again.

Travel issues held up my timeline to finally apply for team receiver at the job. I was getting updates and was told by my boss finally that they will post that job. Not clear on the status of the team receiver who has been out for a few months, although he has returned and has taken shifts with another team as of now. Don’t know if he will be leaving our team or he will just transition to a new position on our team. Just don’t know as of now though I know he’s been talking about his physical therapy and how well it’s been going so on the mend it seems.

Hopefully this new journey will get me somewhere. Our dept has been understaffed and when I do the receiving usually I leave the load out because I feel as if it’s necessary to help push things onto the sales floor. It helps me to put things away in our backstock area. We’ve been understaffed and have lost some people during this rather hectic summer. So for now I’m doing the best I can.

As always if there are any further updates will be happy to share in the near future.

And for the record, they know I want to apply have declared my intent. They have been updating me and I’ve been asking all the questions I know of with regards to this situation. Again time will tell.