Eliminate

One of my long term goals has been to stay away from porn. I would be alright if I never watched a minute of porn as it’s become very perverse to yours truly.

Except that when I take a break from it sometimes I go right back to it. They say you shouldn’t quit something cold turkey except porn ought to be one thing one should quit in such a fashion. We’re not talking about substance abuse we’re talking about something that’s more psychological.

I shared a quick review of this movie from a few years ago called Don Jon which where the title character has largely the same types of issues. He may get the women he wants even had a girlfriend during the course of the movie but is so unsatisfied with his conquests that he turns to porn. The girlfriend had to catch him not once but twice to break up with him because he lied to her. Regardless she made him wait for sex and he was still unsatisfied.

He admitted later that the porn was him being selfish. He thought more of the fantasies he had from watching porn than the actual desires of the women he was with. It took meeting a widowed MILF to train him away from the fantasy of pornography. He realized in order to satisfy his needs he also had to satisfy the needs of his girlfriend.

I suppose after so many years of watching porn I had no issues with the various scenarios men and women find themselves in whether we’re talking threesomes or orgies. I talked about how I liked watching bondage scenes or women doing anal. I also recognize that if you take some of those things in porn into your own bedroom things could get to the point where one could go too far.

I could fantasize about smacking a woman upsider buttocks one time and watch the jiggle of her skin and muscles (or fat sorry ladies) then I get concerned about whether or not I could turn that off. Jack V wants a lifetime companion and lover not a partner who’s scared of him for not knowing where the line is.

So I realize that I need to stay away from porn. My mind need to be on more realistic relations with women. Yes I do desire a wife in the future and hope that we can do adult things as a couple I just hope that there isn’t a point where I could go too far. That’s my worry now and perhaps that makes me a terrified virgin.

My idealized relationship with a woman has always been romantic. I also know there are women who sneeze at that. Not all women seem to want a romantic man and yes I recognize being romantic might not be best at first meeting. However, porn which seems to have a history of cheesy pick up lines once a scene progresses is not the frame of reference I need when trying to build relationships with women.

What I recognize now is that the porn I see now where there are plenty of scenes with women who are pushed to the point where they might need diapers in the future. Or women who are often roughed up, slapped around or even faces contorted by the aggressive hands of a man is not something that is particularly appealing.

What’s also not very appealing about porn are the very alternative expressions of sexuality that now exist in porn. It’s strayed far away from what I started seeing porn for which is two people doing the nasty. There are things that I find perverse that now is just something I just don’t want to see. I steer far away from that content.

Just have to ask myself why it’s so difficult to move on!

The cousin – revisited

I wanted to revisit this episode for a while. I wrote a post when starting this blog back in 2015 remembering an episode where a first cousin named Natalie came home to visit with my mother. Because yours truly can be the “brooding” type I stayed in another part of the house while my mother and her niece were entertaining.

I was on the computer at that point surfing the internet just doing what’s normal for me. My mother felt the need to pull me upstairs complaining that I needed to speak instead of being downstairs uninterested and oblivious. The excuse my mother used was that I had footage of the previous year’s reunion and the laptop I was using was the only computer in the house where my mother and Natalie could watch the footage.

Well here’s where things just didn’t go well. Nat got very excited to see me and while I was very short when she just got so aggressive with her attempts to reach out. I was not feeling this at all, and Natalie was either very oblivious or just wanted to break through. Meanwhile most of my answers to her was uh-huh, OK, nuh-uh, alright. I didn’t want to waste too much of my breath when I was more into cutting this off quickly.

My mother I recall just seemed very uncomfortable as her head was down I noticed at one point. Things took a turn when Natalie decided to state for the record – “I heard you got a little girlfriend“. Well now there was a trainwreck right there and part of the story I talked about this girl I called Nicole and it just didn’t work. Perhaps your hero just ran her away in spite of himself either way Nat decided to get in on this and I really wanted to cut this off. Once it became clear I wasn’t feeling it she finally sensed that this isn’t going where she wanted it to go.

She piped it down and sat back on the sofa, I hurried up and got out of the living room.

You know there were some questions I never answered. Well yeah in the heat of that moment at that time I definitely wasn’t feeling having to discuss what happened with that little girlfriend. She probably didn’t know that this was a very touchy subject and if you will it was a failure that I was still smarting from. Someone told her and she just go so excited and just didn’t know that this was really a negative subject for me. I also hardly updated anyone didn’t see a need to with family I just dropped it, this was one of those things I talked too much about.

If it was so built up in Nat’s mind it definitely was in mine until it fell apart. Not really her fault it was just how I handled it back then. I just didn’t want to talk about it and she was the last one that yours truly wanted to say anything about it to.

Another thing I mentioned back then was just that we’ve had some odd interactions where she guts upset and often I don’t come out well for it. I suppose she has some expectations that once I walk over them she just has a problem. For example, I didn’t know that she didn’t like shrugging – well I need to tell that story one day. In some cases if she had a problem with something she didn’t always handle them very maturely. But then in some of those incidents she was young and I’m betting some of this is her background especially with a mentally ill mother.

I’m willing to bet her own “maturity” causes her to not to be very upset with me. She’ll quickly forget what happened and try to be friendly again. It could be that she just wants to drop what upset her and certainly she’ll drop it once she felt as if she addressed it. Meanwhile I can hold onto stuff for a long time, while she moves forward I’ll turn around and say leave me alone.

Which for most of the last decade after graduating with my undergrad degree she largely has. I’ve been to a handful of reunions in the past decade and I’ve not seen her. I understand it’s usually vacations and when the family plans reunions it seems many of them are last minute. Once Natalie and Nate makes their plains there’s a scheduling conflict.

I did note that she sent me a friend request on facebook and when I didn’t accept or reject right away I eventually saw that it went away. Sometimes I might accidently hit a button whether to accept or reject and don’t recall that either way with Natalie, perhaps she just got tired of the waiting game or changed her mind. If she doesn’t take my actions very seriously, I’m sure she thought about some of my actions towards her over the years.

Oh and let me mention this, Natalie on the surface is very nice. On the other hand Nat has that angry side and its a side Ive encountered on occasion. And on this day at home, she exposed it especially after trying to figure something out about this little girlfriend. I can cause her to drop that happy smiley “mask” sometimes.

Finally another thing to add is that she was on the little girlfriend trip long before this. When my brother got married she started talking about it and had herself a “forced laugh” when she queried me regarding a dance I shared with some woman at the wedding. To be honest I don’t really remember who that “cougar” was but Natalie wanted to talk about it. When she found out I was going to visit another one of my uncles at a neighborhood watering hole she still had to state in a silly way that “maybe you will find you a girlfriend”.

Two of my uncles – one I don’t care for the other I cared for more – likely heard that remark and gave no response. Either they didn’t get it or they weren’t amused. Perhaps while her comment was thoughtless because we were going to a bar. At that time I wasn’t yet 21 and since my uncle at that time was middle-aged who knows what type of women I would find there. She probably didn’t really know…

Either way I’m planning to make yet another reunion over the summer. Perhaps we shall see how that turns out for yours truly. Will Nat and Nate be there this year?

Meanwhile feel free to check out The Cousin and Signals which are the most relevant posts to this revisit.

“He knows you’re using him”

A coworker from The Show – well formerly from there anyway – still talks to the Fiend and let me know he’s been talking about me a lot. There have been some inklings of it over the past year and heard more now. I also hear that Anthony is engaged to be married, remember sometime last year I noted he’s showing himself in the lovely embrace of an older woman. I said some choice things to this friend in light of the Hustler talking about me behind my back.

Of course not a lot of this should be a huge surprise. Even back when he just insisted on coming around back then just about a decade ago he was doing things like this. Perhaps Anthony just has such a negative view of yours truly even then and even when on the surface he was seemingly a good friend.

Either way since I’ve cut ties to him as of 2018 this revelation only serves to let me know it’s working. If he’s really running me down about a lot of the things he’s known about me even back then to even insisting on knowing my sexual status the main conclusion he’s upset that I’ve simply dropped him.

Basically he’s upset that I won’t talk to him. Think about it the last contact I’ve had with him was in 2019 he called me on Christmas Day and I never responded to his call or text. The last time we’ve actually talked was just about four years ago and it was a convo that seemingly fell off the rails.

At the same time did I get upset, yes. I even said to the coworker when seeing him on my way to the job that I hope the Fiend’s marriage fails. Even going so far to predict that he’s going to get divorced, even the coworker joked for “the fourth time” as he’s aware of some of Anthony’s personal failings. I immediately regretted that and called that coworker realizing I stooped to the Hustler’s level as my comments represented what he would do.

We talked about it a while as we have been over the years. He’s aware of the rift and tried to address whatever Ant was trying to bring up about my time at The Show. Again not surprised since he seems to remember the past or selectively remembers what he wants to remember. I’m not a very good friend as he’s so hard up I had to pay for his lunch, or when he didn’t have a car he got treated to rides in my mother’s vehicle that she lent me to go to any late shifts I had or the money he’s borrowed (at one time for a hot dog from the concession stand). Oh yeah I’m some friend, in reality yours truly could say the same for him.

Now the title of this post is a quote relayed to me by this coworker as told to Ant. True to form the Fiend denies it claiming he’s given me gas money and paid back all money which he hasn’t. He’s never given me gas money for rides in my mother’s car. He only does so when it’s convenient for him and worst still he might still come around and borrow money on top of money he already owes.

So the last time I really spoke to him he borrowed $100 for his son’s medical bills, I specifically told him as we left that barbershop that when he gets situated I wanted that money back. Of course we don’t really talk for a few months other than a random text pledging to repay that money he borrowed. Then once the blackout starts he starts calling and I wonder why, another small cash infusion? So more money on top of money he needs to pay back.

Now it could be also said that I never adequately stood up to him. I know him well enough to know that he’ll only add stress. Perhaps he’s saying what he wants now because I dropped him and he’s still not happy about it. He couldn’t just move on and not talk about me – perhaps you could say the same for me. I just think that if I confronted him he’ll just deny and throw it back onto yours truly. He’s going to establish his dominance and try to re-assert his role as a disappointed father. He’ll never recognize why after so much time I finally just backed away.

I’m glad I have one less stress on my plate, however, my handicap is to dwell on this whole episode as I have been doing. It’s a lesson learned as I seek to become my own version of The Head of the Table.

What’s better?

I’ve been thinking about this for a while and my current journey has been really making smarter money decisions. My journey included associating with a man who’s own hot air is to show he’s got something going but only exposing that’s he broke and needy.

I had a discussion with a coworker one evening and while he might agree with me that it’s best not to be broke. He might turn around and say don’t allow that to be your selling point because the woman might only see $$$ signs. Hard to argue that and I also know broke men seem to be able to get action with women.

It’s probably something to find a woman who doesn’t care if you have 5 pennies or $5 million. That’s the one worth her weight in gold I’m sure, good character hopefully. I suppose having money in the bank in my own view is an asset, however, is it possible to still miss the point.

I would imagine most women wouldn’t want a broke man. Or we could go even further there is a segment of women who might nitpick over the type of job a man has. For example I’ve explored that some women might treat a blue collar man differently than a white collar man. Some women might not take very serious a grocery store clerk for example even if said clerk was generally a good dependable man while a white collar man has the issues of say a J.R. Ewing.

Dallas – JR Slaps Sue Ellen and on second thought they deserve each other don’t they?

So I suppose when I presented the idea of whether or not it’s better to have money to keep a woman he comes up with if a woman really loves you, money isn’t necessary except a roof over your head and electricity. Hmmm, this complicates things doesn’t it? I suppose as a man I still have to create a home for her to stay.

My mother and I one day were talking about relatives – I have an uncle who seems to come up short often and she mentioned one of my first cousins who though says she has money issues is still able to pay off a luxury car she has purchased. I don’t have a great relationship with either and more so my cousin than my uncle whom I’ve rarely heard from over the years. However I just had to say something and it’s based on my own personal experience.

I can speak to the gifts of my cousin, she’s sociable and I don’t associate money issues with sociable. With this said I know very little about her finances so there isn’t much for me to criticize. Then again my viewpoint is always about abundance you don’t need to have small cash infusions in order to take care of your basic needs such as rent, food, etc. And as far as I know my cousin hasn’t come around for any at least from my mother and what she did get from my mother was basic advice like if you want to save some money put it in a bank far from home for example. If you live in the burbs find a bank in the city and open an account.

Well, my comments sort of backfired as my mother might make some real world comments like who will you leave your money for or you got money but are you enjoying life. I still would say I’d rather have my nest egg while I’m able to use it than be utterly broke. And in my personal experience there is exactly a broke person who definitely isn’t happy about life although as a gift he can be sociable. He could use that to solve his issues with money although it’s getting much later in the game for him at this point.

However, many questions to unpack. Is money necessary for a mate? Does money help you find a mate? Does money allow you to enjoy life?

I could also ask if money brings happiness, though there is a flipside here. Having an abundance of money probably isn’t the key to happiness, however, when it comes to relationships something there has to bring happiness right?

Question

There’s a young lady on facebook, we might trade messages every once in a while on facebook or instagram. A month or so ago she shared a post on her “story” which caused me to ask if this was her situation. Basically the story stated that one shouldn’t “miss their blessing assuming I’m in a relationship”.

There are pics of her online with a gent usually wearing the same attire which is indicative of her status. I mean unless they’re together or otherwise that other party swings a different direction there is no reason for two “buddies” to be wearing the same attire or even the same t-shirt.

Well she confirmed her status and stated that she only reposted something from another instagrammer – which unfortunately I can’t find – that she follows. In this case my mind begins to run and so far I haven’t followed up other than this blog post.

Asking this question seems to be a dicey subject for yours truly. A few women were cagey or coy in my experience. For example with Nicole she was coy about her status until my attempts with her fell so far apart there was no chance of recovery no matter what I did. She had reached the end of her patience with me.

Others might outright say it’s none of your business though in one case it was apparent from her facebook account that she was indeed with someone and had children to prove it. However this young lady confirmed being just about 40 that she’s single and the guy she’s been snapping shots with isn’t her boyfriend.

When faced with such knowledge and a woman’s willingness to answer one way or another after an inquiry. And with a positive answer to such an inquiry – ex. she stated she’s single especially. It causes me to just say hmm in the unlikely event that something might come of this which is a long distance kind of thing how do I take it there without causing her to back off. That’s sort of my history also.

If you want to know something about her, one connection is that she went to Hillman College. We didn’t really connect until long after she graduated. Surely I poked her on facebook and she seemed open to connecting online which is interesting. I wish we met while we were still in school at least although in her case I was just getting started and she was about to finish.

I inquired about her denomination during Lent and she answered. I’m not religious, however, when it comes to Lent the ash on forehead was often thought of as a Catholic thing, hint she’s not Catholic. Of course yours truly has to state I’m just not that religious and rarely attend church.

I may have made reference to her age, but as stated my mind is running on this. If nothing else perhaps this could be a friendship of sorts. Perhaps I learn about her and she learns about me.

We’ll leave it there.

The Hook-Up Revisited

Disinterest

As I revisit this long ago episode I wrote about during my hiatus from Fresh Foods, I just have to share this brief dialogue from my last real major episode with Anthony the Hustler/Friend during One Final Drop. Among other things that we had talked about when he asked to borrow more money he brought this up for the last time

Out of nowhere he brings this up, he said I “blew it with Greta” and then I hit him with “Blew what?”

Fiend: You blew it with Greta.

Yours Truly: I blew what?

Fiend: You blew it with her.

Y.T.: What did I blow?

Fiend: You blew it with her.

Y.T.: What did I blow?

And then I continue to ask that question and he was done answering. Perhaps he was going to hold onto it anyway, but that wasn’t getting him anywhere. That was my attempt to absolve myself of any feelings of “guilt”. There was no need for any guilt if in reality I had little interest in his scheme. I had no interest in a comedy show and in reality no interest in this “date” with Greta.

When I think about it now, this was all unfair to Greta. Perhaps my lack of interest in Ant’s scheme at the time as this whole thing was about me and in reality it was more about him. I had no real interest in spending my money for a comedy show at a major venue in downtown Chicago. And when we visited her at her job on the north side on a snowy and cold February day in 2013 there wasn’t much of a basis for yours truly to really attempt to connect. Even if I did drop a compliment on her which she seemed underwhelmed.

I told another friend of mine this who still talks to Anthony or he heard about it at some point with the Hustler. I tell him that Ant was really a bad matchmaker as there was just very little opportunity to really connect with Greta before this “date”. However in my humble opinion he had no real basis to try to make a match when he took the foot off the gas pedal on this. This was something he wanted and it went up in smoke, and if I believe his story Greta was mad with him and he tried to point the finger at me.

That’s why I had to ask him “What did I blow?” What was there to blow? Was she that keen on meeting with yours truly? I saw no hint of that and no opportunity on my part nor his to create that opportunity. On my end I felt as if I was being forced into this and as per usual did hardly anything to push back.

This was probably another episode of the fiend asserting his dominance and for years after this it would continue. He’d find a way to bring this episode up and even after I did retort in that barbershop back in 2017, I’m sure it still wouldn’t have been the end of it. He’d hold onto it using his disappointed father schtick to forward his dominance.

Come to think of it, the Hook Up episode was as much of a fail as the initial episode with Finer Foods and even D.B. He views them as fails. I didn’t keep up the pressure with Finer Foods to get an interview let alone a job with that company and as for D.B. there wasn’t much to do to end that conflict other than just not giving him his supply of attention because going back and forth with him gave him exactly that. And Greta in his mind is just another fail as far as dating women. All a fail according to him and it matters more than what I felt where the positive developments going on the last time I actually met with him as a friend and the last time he borrowed money.

We’re going to get to the climax of the Reign of Error however I feel as if Anthony had begun to really expose himself and his attitude more and more in 2017. If some new developments were occurring at the Hole at the time he didn’t care. He just mentions how I’d make more money at Finer Foods or instead of supporting my move to be a buyer he might still suggest I need to be a supervisor instead. Perhaps he didn’t like it when I went against his mentality as a disappointed father.

Not sure what else to add to this, I expressed the thoughts that was necessary to express. I’m certain however that there will be more thoughts on him to share in the near future. I feel as if whatever stories that’s on my mind about the Hustler will ultimately be expressed and it will be time to move on.

You’re free to read up my original Hook-Up post as well. Consider this your Anti-Valentine’s post. 😛

Image

At the end of last year, I realized in order to attract a mate you have to put in some work. I suppose earlier last year I had created a template for this purpose. I suppose there is something to work towards in the new year.

Just remember as far as my own personality, this really is going to be work. It won’t take much to slip back into some bad habits. Let’s bring it!

Feeling No Love

man in white dress shirt holding suit jacket

What if it’s possible to remake your image? And it doesn’t matter how old you are it just matters that you’re determined to make some changes.

I like to think everything isn’t set in stone. What if you can make changes to your lifestyle? What if you can make changes to your attitude?

If people hold you to what you used to do when you were younger, does this mean you disassociate? I’ve had to do this with someone I knew, knowing among other things that they have the tendency to bring things from the past to the forefront. It’s is as if today doesn’t matter, past actions matters more and remains part of the discussion.

What prompted this was that a coworker asked about the ride I have one day at work recently. I want you all to know I don’t own my own vehicle, however, it’s one of…

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Reflections

When I started this blog I had a specific vision of losing my virginity before a certain age. Well it hasn’t quite worked out that way. Worse still I haven’t made many of the benchmarks I hoped to have.

I had to suffer some disappointments and not only sexual ones or even relationship ones. This blog often focuses on work, it’s the one thing I know how to control. Perhaps not the people around me bosses and coworkers, but just having a job in general. I figure if a job is nothing more than a means to an end other things will follow.

I found this article looking up anything on virginity. This woman’s story – L. Rosen – is seemingly the most 2020 story ever. She wants to have a child and started off as a 40 year old virgin, then she ran into her childhood friend and lost her virginity to him. She’s still trying to have a child doing fertility treatments although this bug put a halt to it!

It causes me to take stock in what’s going on now. I feel as if in writing this blog I made more personal progress in my life. I had to cut out nosy people who really had very little to add to my life other than leeching. I realize what it takes to be successful to hopefully become a husband and father.

Unrealistically I think fortunes just change, reality is that you have to work to change your fortunes. The scary part as always is just getting the ball rolling – getting started. Waiting has gotten me nowhere.

I never before noted this, but as far as connecting with a girl or with a woman my hope was that it would happen organically. Perhaps I get that magic education or get the magic job, that hasn’t happened. I mention to a couple of childhood classmates that I went to a prestigious university usually no further contact ensues with those women I went to school with. It could be said yours truly got that prestigious degree but has very little to show for it. On the other hand when finally crossing the stage and getting that sheepskin I never felt so useless.

Thankfully I went through a whole decade after leaving Mission College with the work experience and skills that should’ve really been attained starting in my teens. I feel very behind in adulthood in more ways than one to be honest. However as long as I have life, I will not stop and it needs not stop at getting a woman. My life need not stop at that, however, I do desire a family of my own and will continue to work towards that.

So I think I do share a goal with Ms. L. Rosen….

Lately as we head into the holidays

Sorry to have not been updating as much as usual. I had some posts in the pipeline I had been working on and find myself less than satisfied with them. My birthday had also just passed so I wouldn’t be too upset if anyone left some belated birthday wishes.

Work has largely been uneventful had quite a few nights lately. Something I’m just not happy with, but what can you do? Options with jobs are largely limited right now. Especially at Fresh Foods, but then unfortunately I can have a one track mind about that…

Of course two of the more dominant subjects on this blog recurring was about the Hustler and the Reign of Error. There’s not much I want to write about the Hustler although the last time I saw his fb page I see him in the loving embrace of a woman. That may mean I may not hear much from him unless that falls apart. I could say he’ll find a way to alienate her, however, allow me to be optimistic and hope for the best of the couple. It seems like a mismatch she is older and very attractive she takes care of herself very well. The Hustler aka the Fiend is very grizzled, I would dare say he’s led a hard life then again he’s always looking for drama so his face reflects that.

My mother is doing OK, getting older and may be in line for the vaccine for this bug. I hope she just doesn’t buy into it hook line and sinker, but hey she is also at the most risk for this thing. I’m just glad that I hadn’t brought anything home with me, though for the most part I have been as careful as possible about it. Usually when I come home I spray disinfectant usually in the kitchen since I usually leave some items in the kitchen until my next work day.

I shared a pic with you all on instagram on a night where I was grocery shopping and beginning to see the shortages. It’s always temporary but it was jarring to see at the beginning of this crisis back in March how bare store shelves were. We could talk about dairy, produce, canned goods, meats, toilet tissue, sanitizer, disinfectant….could I go on. I’m just glad when this vaccine goes to those who need it most we can finally get out of this crisis as I just know there are many who are growing tired of it.

I’m still working on the Climax and sorry to not be as forthcoming on it. My goal as a writer is to be as satisfied with the finished product as possible. Hopefully I get some time off and can finish it soon.

Finally allow me to leave you with the theme from Midnight Cowboy. It’s a movie I’m not that familiar with though I see through synopsis that it has some familiar themes of loneliness or male alienation. I suppose it’s relatable in that case, however, with work that can change. Yes?

Vehicles

When talking about going out of my comfort zone one of those things is assuming responsibilities that I often presume I’m not ready for. I’ve yet to own my own car although I do have my license true since I was 21.

Often I do think about what kind of car do I want. Do I want to peruse the classified ads, Craigslist, or even facebook listings for a cheap ride? Or do I just want to get what I can from a good dealer.

When I think about buying a car I want to get a luxury car. Almost like what my mother has although I don’t want the same brand. For example I always desired a Cadillac, but then I’ve got my eye on a Lincoln lately. I make good money – even with student loans – to possible get a late model entry-level luxury car which is worth in the low $30K range. The question is should I get such a vehicle.

I want to share this Doug DeMuro video from earlier this year. I got my eye on the Lincoln Corsair. As far as a car for myself – to go wherever I please at any given time so that I won’t have to take public transportation to work all the time – well perhaps within the next year I’ll get that done.