A fib

Sorry if this is a bit graphic, just the best illustration of the point for this post.

Three or so years ago I told you that there were some liberties taken with regards to whether or not I actually own my mother’s car. I was spotted once by a couple of coworkers and was even queried about this from a female coworker.

Most recently a coworker asked “what was the most expensive date you ever been on?”

Well I made something up quick and my basis was The Hook-up.

In which case I noted that this was actually a blind date and for some tickets to a comedy show at a downtown live action theater the tickets cost me $70. I also wanted to note that the date didn’t even like me and stated that I tried to compliment her and she was like “thanks”. While he didn’t respond to that at all my story was that this expensive date just didn’t go well. He even asked if she was “bad” and my answer wasn’t so much that she was bad she just wasn’t feeling me.

In the real world of course that date never happened. I just used the “drama” of that situation to create a totally made up story of a date that never happened though somewhat credible. Hopefully most men could relate to the story I tried to tell.

I’m sure there’s a man out there who went all out on a date spending a lot of money and for whatever reason it doesn’t go well. Perhaps in my story I point the finger at the woman, some dates it just goes that way. A woman isn’t feeling the man no matter how much he spends on the date. Either the vibe is right or it’s just not.

Of course as you know since this is based on something I told numerous times which I last discussed back in February. My former coworker I know as the Fiend decided that I needed to go out more and tried to get me to buy some tickets to this comedy show and he tried to present another ex-coworker as the date. Of course in his world because I didn’t do exactly what he asked me to do yours truly blew it.

In reality, I don’t believe she was feeling me. Perhaps she may never knew I was supposed to be her “date”. He was more of the middle man in this as if he tells the story, she called him for an update and realized the show was mostly sold out. And this wasn’t necessarily a blind date for me, I knew who I was supposed to go out with perhaps the other party didn’t. And the more he decided to rub this in the more clear it is to me that this was what he wanted as I was hardly enthused about this.

However, the coworker at my job needs not know the true story behind this. LOL.

The hook-up shoot

Valentine’s Day is coming up so I wanted to retouch bases on something that was somewhat relevant about 10 years ago. I refer to this episode as The Hookup.

About a decade ago, the man I now refer to as the Fiend was trying so hard to get me to buy some theater tickets to see a comedian at a downtown theater in Chicago. Long story short I never got those tickets and by extension I never went out with the young lady I refer to as Greta whom he wanted me to take out. My answer was just a lack of real interest, and he probably picked up on it but was undeterred as this was what he wanted.

Funny thing about this was that he sort of took his foot off the gas on this until according to him Greta called him to ask about this comedy show. I never updated Anthony on it, just simply put it in a pile of things I just didn’t view as a priority. I saw the ticket prices which were much higher than to go to The Show for example and I just thought about the money and definitely put it on a low priority.

Now for one thing, why did Anthony just have this strong belief that I needed to go out more. That was his statement every time I started coming up with excuses and when I tell this story I might emphasize that he’s a bad matchmaker. For whatever reason he wanted to see me with a woman and have made various statements to that end. So he chose for whatever reason Greta, I never chose her. And he was not smart enough to allow things to really develop he just thought get them on this date.

Of course, I can’t say there was a real plan. He never fully revealed his plan other than I was supposed to take Greta out. Of course since the plan didn’t fully get executed I get blamed for it. And overtime – until I finally just stopped communicating with him – he’d find a way to bring it up. In his world, I blew it with Greta and of course I failed to adequately stand up to that decrepit old man. And who knows if that would’ve mattered.

Regardless after over four years from 2013 to about 2017 he’d find a way to bring it up. Usually in response to something that I said, however, increasing he would just bring it up by himself and the last time was during the episode One Final Drop. I just decided my response was to throw back “I blew what? What did I blow?” beyond “I blew it with Greta” there was no answer I just saw his face go blank. And one thing I realized about this is that it was all about him. Usually when he brings it up, often it’s in response to what I had said perhaps something that would lead to him thinking about that time I blew it with Greta. The last time he brought it up with no encouragement from yours truly it was for whatever reason on his mind.

And here is an interesting question to consider. If things worked out and I went on this date and Greta was feeling me or I was feeling her how would this work in the long run? Is this what Ant would want for yours truly? If he was about control and dominance would it be in his best interest for me to have a girlfriend? Something tells me that if things actually did develop between us he’d find a way to sabotage it and perhaps he’d blame me for it in some way.

You know, I had to think about this for a second, there was a time during this period perhaps after this episode that he started to give me some “beauty suggestions”. For example, he suggested I grow a beard like he does and let it go gray. In his words “women like that and it’ll make you look distinguished”. My best answer to that was being young still at the time there was a time for that and I wasn’t there yet. And stating further “I want a babyface”. Which later became a repetitive yet silly debate.

T.F.: You don’t have one

J.V.: But I want one

T.F.: But you don’t have one

J.V.: But I want one

One time we were in an auditorium cleaning having this discussion let’s say there was a break in the “debate” and then he starts right away with “You don’t have one”. Funny thing is after getting a haircut one time Anthony had come over to me and had to state with regards to the babyface remark that he can see it a little bit. He actually gave me that one.

Of course consider one thing. I did refer to him as a decrepit old man. He is not a very good looking man, he’s not aged well. He can groom himself well as there are pics to that effect. However, he’s balding he often has a frown even his smile isn’t that appealing. I like to refer to him as perpetually miserable and it’s on his face. I’m supposed to take that type of advice from him?

Anyway in the next post lets go back to the Streak Era. Later this month 10 years ago I had an interview with the National Theater Chain which I hoped would enable me to finally leave The Show errr $h!tshow. He was somewhat involved with this, however, not a major factor given that well I still walked away from this with no job offer.

Stay tuned.

Back to the virgin beat

I ran into this video on YouTube from a man named Terrell who discusses his background and why he remains a 39-year-old virgin man. He discusses his personal background from his grandparents to his mother – he doesn’t know his father. Then he talks about some trauma – and real trauma things that weren’t OK. To how his grandparents sort of avoiding really talking about certain things with him. To his college years and getting many girlfriends to his relationship with religion. It’s a fascinating background in this man who remains a virgin still.

For those of you who follow me you might be able to tell me best. I don’t recall if I’ve ever told my story. As in why I never had sex or even have any serious relationships with women? My story has always been I’ve often expressed that I wanted to wait until marriage, yet that’s never happened.

Time to get back to the virgin beat!

This woman “dated up”

I thought this was appropriate for this blog and wondered how a guy could date up?

Amber Lucas further explains

The most important thing I had to change was the type of guys I dated. Most of them were emotionally immature and financially irresponsible.

I’d bail them out. One guy wanted money because he couldn’t make rent. He couldn’t afford it because he’d spend his whole salary on weed.

Another guy left his rusty, old car at my home for three weeks. He couldn’t afford the maintenance. It was leaking oil. He used my AAA insurance to have it towed.

Those experiences made me want to meet more stable men — someone mature who could make interesting conversation and approached relationships with a generous mindset, a man with a handle on his life. I wanted to “date up.”

When I was still in school and as an older student I probably didn’t mind it. Meet a woman who was further established than I had been. Chance are though it probably would be a non starter for most women. Women want a man more established than them just the nature of human relationships it rarely works the other way.

I sort of applaud this woman for making a decision about the types of men she dates. She should’ve be associated with deadbeats if she doesn’t want to.

Yet at the same time, is a guy allowed to make that same decision. Choose better women than them as men. Perhaps it shouldn’t be a class thing or an appearance deal, just a compatibility deal. Sometimes you just have to find a way to attract the types of mates you really want.

This woman doesn’t want a deadbeat, understandable, at the same time how much money he has in his bank account doesn’t entirely say a lot about his character. And I could find a very successful & pretty professional woman who doesn’t mind if I don’t have the same type of job as she does and yet that also isn’t an indicator of her own character.

Any thoughts?

Comfort level revisited

I’m going back to a post I wrote two years ago this month and shared on my own facebook page on New Years Day asking the question “How does one get out of their comfort level?”

No easy answers but one simple answer I’ve encountered was to do something that you’ve never really done before. Another interesting answer is why leave your comfort zone?

And then I think about this. I like to talk about how at one point I went from making about $10K/year to $20K/yr. I consider that quite an accomplishment because going through the stagnation of working for minimum wage at The Show to go up about an extra $10/k yr in wages was a come up for me. And on top of that benefits, some paid time off (which I used for going out of town especially) it was a more comfortable position to be in compared with being at a barebones place such as The Show.

One thing I will add is that it’s very easy to complain. I’ve done a fair share of it and to be honest one thing that should sink in is that complaining is an unappealing trait. Sometimes I don’t like it when someone else does it and for me I try to catch myself as best I can. However complaining does no good if you’re unwilling to do something about it. Even if it means you have to, for example, change jobs.

Another aspect of comfort level is dating. And to be honest I’m not sure how to crack that issue. Can’t meet someone at work really because you could risk “creating a hostile work environment”. And meeting someone in public a complete stranger can be iffy also. And online dating well another can of worms explored here, it’s just difficult to really break out there.

I’m also finding that it can be hard to break out at work. You can make one bad impression and it marks you almost forever. Or a change in mgmt can just grind you to a halt as happened at the Hole just about five years ago. It just doesn’t take much although you have to do something about it and for some I’ve met at a job over the years many of their responses is to just move on – and that’s a valid response. It’s what was necessary after great hesitancy at The Show, even if me leaving for Gotham Bank only served to bring me to Fresh Foods.

Two years ago when writing the original post I was thinking about moving away from home and moving to a state I’ve never spent much time in. Or have hardly any connections there, it seems like an exotic locale even if the state in question could really be seen as unexciting and bland. Then again aside from living for many years in a college dorm still trying to get my bachelor’s degree, this is one challenge I’ve never had. And bolstered by one main fact, I work at a fortune 500 company with locations around the country. As long as I have that – and don’t suffer any major setbacks will be a good thing.

However, I feel as if this is the new challenge to break out of my comfort zone. One goal is to make six-figures perhaps make $100K/yr. Perhaps the opportunities are dwindling for that, however, if I can’t break out of my comfort zone I won’t get close.

Fatherhood

I wanted to return to a theme that was considered recently. We’re calling back to the issue from the episode Faith. And I have to mention an old Fiend again.

One of his parting statements during the last period that I remained in contact with Anthony was to just ask at random “When are you going to have children so I can relate to you better?” I could’ve just admonished him for that instead I just rolled with it and said I’m working on it. However, what does he care?

He connected with me knowing this and still finds this to be a problem for him. Especially for his last moment of begging that he wanted to borrow money for his son.

Anyway I think about this more now. Family  – and Anthony isn’t family by no means – expect you to go out get into a relationship, have children and may not always care about whether or not you’re married. I don’t feel that pressure from my family they may ask and I say know although there are rumblings of people who want to know what’s going on. They may wonder if there is something legit wrong with me, although, there are other family member with worse issues than me.

My stance on this issue is no one should force you to have kids unless you’re ready. At a different time I’d be like I can’t wait to have my first son, however, the more I think about it the more concerned I get. Perhaps yours truly isn’t that sure he’d make a good father. And most importantly would I want to have a baby with anybody just to satisfy someone else’s want to see me settled with a family.

It probably isn’t exactly unknown among family that Jack V is a kissless and sexless virgin. I’ve never been known to have a girl hanging around or even known to have many female friends. So unknown to me people conclude what they will, right or wrong.

Perhaps producing a child shouldn’t the mark of manhood. You’re not successful because you knocked up some woman and that produced a baby. Consider me old fashioned, I want marriage a full stable family so that the child will be raised with hopefully a solid set of values. At the same time, I want my son (or God forbid a daughter) to have real respect for people and not act as if their emotional whims are more important than respect for others. I want to raise them to be successful in their lives in whatever they do.

At the same time even in my family I recognize those who didn’t quite do well in their lives and it could be attributed somewhat to their own upbringing. I could point out uncles, aunts, or cousins for example. So at this stage perhaps I have fear & doubt over my own ability to raise successful children.

I feel as if the older I get the opportunities to still have children are beginning to dwindle. I’m also glad that there are no children around for me to be worried about financially or otherwise. It’s something I still desire but at this point there are other milestones that take on far greater importance than that. No one can pressure me into something I will not do and will only do that for myself and no one else’s sensibilities.

Come to think of it, there needs to be another Fear and Doubt episode in the near future.

Faith

In the early days of this blog I approached discussing my virginity in rather idealistic ways or perhaps the reasons for it. It could be a combination of moral – even if I don’t practice a religion or it could be lack of opportunity or it could just be I can never get with the process of requesting dates. I could even say that it seems for some women dating could become a drawn out process to the point where a prospective man just says never mind. Or perhaps as could be if a guy isn’t picking up on a woman’s hints she might just go with a guy who does or even a give who gives her attention.

Anyway I’ve been thinking about religion a lot lately and it could be a passing interest. However my background is that I’ve never joined a church. My dad had joined a few years before he passed away and my mother for whatever reason never has joined a church. We might go to different church services over the years especially in my youth and usually I associate that with “dressing up” and having to clean up in order to go to church. In some respects I’ve never really enjoyed that.

At the same time I have gotten older, still a virgin and I really don’t have a religious reason for remaining this way. I always felt as if not wanting to have sex until marriage made sense, perhaps on occasion I feigned religious reasons even if that wasn’t entirely correct. Still I believe no sex until marriage made sense and even with what I’ve experienced in recent years I still believe it makes sense.

Why would I want to have sex to satisfy someone else who should really have no concern over it? That means to satisfy my social group I’d have to do it with anyone just to satisfy their odd mentality with regards to getting laid. I don’t think that’s healthy especially if the other person comes to the realization that you’re using them for their bodies and that’s all. It makes sense to me therefore that I really want to like who I’m being intimate with.

So the video above I’m sharing is because it’s of interest to me currently. Is the answer to me being a virgin is to for example adopt the Catholic faith or any faith for that matter? Perhaps I join such a large community and ultimately find a wonderful Catholic lady with whom I can start a family. Also allow me to add I can further say if I had a faith, I can say my virginity is for religious reasons.

What’s wrong with respecting your own body? What’s wrong with being picky about who you might choose to share your body with? And what’s wrong with doing that only with someone you care a lot about?

Anyway here are some topics of discussion for other posts.

• Jack V desires a family but what does he really think about becoming a father?
• Jack V has met people who shows disdain toward him for not getting laid what does this say about them?
• Jack V believes no sex until marriage makes sense but then why is that?
• Jack V wonders is it possible to just pick a faith and stick with it?

Those posts and other regularly scheduled programming coming soon….

Election Night 2016: time suckers SHOOT

Feels like the right time to revisit this episode from over five years ago. I can connect this with the last convo I ever really had with The Fiend and it turned into such an ordeal in my humble opinion. I think in both cases we just needed someone to talk to and for me in my last convo with him he wasn’t just not as willing to talk or listen as I feel as if I was on Election Day.

I may have been looking for reassurance because what led to the last convo I considered a bit triggering. It wasn’t so much that he just couldn’t empathize in that moment it was that he was in no mood to really listen to my thoughts on it. It’s one thing if it wasn’t something he really wanted to touch, however, in the months leading up to it he was mentioning a subject that was more or less a no-no for me. And at that for me to take on that subject I thought was a no-no for him however as stated in yet another post this was yet another way to further his own negativity.

Now as far as election night 2016 I don’t know what he was looking for other than to rant even as he was patrolling a grocery store parking lot on the graveyard shift. As far as I remember we never really talked about that election that year. It was a most unusual election and the results was for many unexpected. Perhaps he took an outcome for granted and it freaked him out very easily.

I think he really exposed his own hell, fire, and brimstone alarmism on a night where I was just ready to call it a night. I didn’t have the same type of alarm that he did as far as who was winning. When I think about it, just wasn’t sure where that election was going just knew that neither candidate for President appealed to me though it appears Anthony had picked a horse and wasn’t happy.

He chose me to call and repeatedly referred to the man who became President-elect a racist, rapist and declared there was going to be a race war. He also declared that he was going to move to Canada and this country is screwed. I was not in the mood for a real political discussion and definitely didn’t want to engage with someone who was very upset and unglued. While trying to have a balanced approach I told him the other candidate wasn’t all that he just stated that “we’d be screwed even less under her”. This was when I asked if we could change the subject and he agreed.

Of course we talked about a range of subjects in that moment but here’s where the convo just went into a strange direction. He asked if I saw the latest Marvel Comics picture Dr. Strange. When I answered in the affirmative then he asked “who did I go with?” When I answered no one he launched into a strange lecture about how I needed to start dating or all the women will start laughing at me – oh right that’s encouragement.

He noted that I was a loner “which is just fine with you” but I “make good money so you really don’t have an excuse”. He made a pitch for me to again use PoF.com. I just said OK as if to say this convo isn’t going any further and he had to keep it going “I know what that means. Give me one reason why you can’t do it.” I didn’t give him a reason just my typical way of dealing with something like this is to say hardly anything as if to say I’ll consider it.

To give some background he knows I like to go to the movies but as a “mentor” it was important for me to take someone to the movies. That was his priority, why I have no clue as stated many times on this blog he’s a disappointed father that’s his schtick. I just think in his mind he feels like what suits him is for me to have some female companionship. On the other hand while he claims to get a lot of action with the ladies to one time graphically telling me one sexual encounter with a grandmother during that period I just see a man who’s just single and chasing pu$$y not really companionship.

Aside from the fact that since I cut ties now he later became engaged. YaY him as long as he’s serious which I suspect he probably isn’t but that’s not my business anymore.

Anyway as for PoF.com he’s mentioned that site to me before. When we were still working at The Show we were regularly taking the train back to the south side from work and he would start mentioning that site frequently. His main selling point was to predict that “you could get laid by next week“. As far as how his campaign went I just wasn’t interested. I checked out the site and saw nothing I really wanted to connect with out there.

I usually just demurred and stated that I didn’t see the point and I liked connecting with women who went to school at Hillman College. Well not specifically Hillman I was more referring to connecting with women on Facebook before they had their own dating services. He was not deterred it was his mission to get me to connect with a woman as me being a man without a woman was just an issue for him.

He would at that point probably 2012-13 just would follow up with me. Did you finish your profile? Did you upload a profile pic? I usually just said no and probably cited finances as far as why I just didn’t have much interest. For those of you who have kids, you put on the pressure then you find out how uninterested the kids are in your ideas here’s a good example.

Anyway until election night 2016 he brought up PoF.com again and as it turned out for the last time. The difference between 2016 and just about four years earlier was that this time he dropped the sales tag of you could be laid by next week to just get a date and get you some female companionship before you turn 40.

However, as far as me not having much success with women he couldn’t help but continue to take his shots. Even kept mentioning the name of one young lady he insisted I take to a comedy show at a downtown theater which fell apart because I just wasn’t into it. He wanted to keep blaming me for what happened with that until I saw the confused look on his face with no further answer beyond “you blew it with her.” The look on his face was basically I’m no longer buying that answer and he knew it. He ultimately left it alone.

Anyway let’s turn this 180 degrees and discuss how he ranted about some women near the end of our convo. First I had to listen to him rant about the elections now I had to hear a rant about how he was talking to a woman over time and some other woman he knew decided to interfere with the motive that “she was lonely and she didn’t want her girlfriend to have anyone“. My advice which I hope was sensible – and could probably be easily ignored by Anthony – was he should just leave them alone which he easily agreed stating that he already has. There I go being a friend to someone who really was no friend of mine.

Anyway what a strange up and down conversation. Frustrating, tiring and a bit long lasting two hours, I didn’t go to bed until the wee hours of the morning. I missed some of the results but that’s OK did some catching up as I wanted to follow this one.

To give you a break down this happened about a month after the episode of The Next to Last Drop. I do hope you follow the original Election Day post.

Also it was election day somewhere in the country on Tuesday, hopefully you did your civic duty.

Eliminate

One of my long term goals has been to stay away from porn. I would be alright if I never watched a minute of porn as it’s become very perverse to yours truly.

Except that when I take a break from it sometimes I go right back to it. They say you shouldn’t quit something cold turkey except porn ought to be one thing one should quit in such a fashion. We’re not talking about substance abuse we’re talking about something that’s more psychological.

I shared a quick review of this movie from a few years ago called Don Jon which where the title character has largely the same types of issues. He may get the women he wants even had a girlfriend during the course of the movie but is so unsatisfied with his conquests that he turns to porn. The girlfriend had to catch him not once but twice to break up with him because he lied to her. Regardless she made him wait for sex and he was still unsatisfied.

He admitted later that the porn was him being selfish. He thought more of the fantasies he had from watching porn than the actual desires of the women he was with. It took meeting a widowed MILF to train him away from the fantasy of pornography. He realized in order to satisfy his needs he also had to satisfy the needs of his girlfriend.

I suppose after so many years of watching porn I had no issues with the various scenarios men and women find themselves in whether we’re talking threesomes or orgies. I talked about how I liked watching bondage scenes or women doing anal. I also recognize that if you take some of those things in porn into your own bedroom things could get to the point where one could go too far.

I could fantasize about smacking a woman upsider buttocks one time and watch the jiggle of her skin and muscles (or fat sorry ladies) then I get concerned about whether or not I could turn that off. Jack V wants a lifetime companion and lover not a partner who’s scared of him for not knowing where the line is.

So I realize that I need to stay away from porn. My mind need to be on more realistic relations with women. Yes I do desire a wife in the future and hope that we can do adult things as a couple I just hope that there isn’t a point where I could go too far. That’s my worry now and perhaps that makes me a terrified virgin.

My idealized relationship with a woman has always been romantic. I also know there are women who sneeze at that. Not all women seem to want a romantic man and yes I recognize being romantic might not be best at first meeting. However, porn which seems to have a history of cheesy pick up lines once a scene progresses is not the frame of reference I need when trying to build relationships with women.

What I recognize now is that the porn I see now where there are plenty of scenes with women who are pushed to the point where they might need diapers in the future. Or women who are often roughed up, slapped around or even faces contorted by the aggressive hands of a man is not something that is particularly appealing.

What’s also not very appealing about porn are the very alternative expressions of sexuality that now exist in porn. It’s strayed far away from what I started seeing porn for which is two people doing the nasty. There are things that I find perverse that now is just something I just don’t want to see. I steer far away from that content.

Just have to ask myself why it’s so difficult to move on!

The cousin – revisited

I wanted to revisit this episode for a while. I wrote a post when starting this blog back in 2015 remembering an episode where a first cousin named Natalie came home to visit with my mother. Because yours truly can be the “brooding” type I stayed in another part of the house while my mother and her niece were entertaining.

I was on the computer at that point surfing the internet just doing what’s normal for me. My mother felt the need to pull me upstairs complaining that I needed to speak instead of being downstairs uninterested and oblivious. The excuse my mother used was that I had footage of the previous year’s reunion and the laptop I was using was the only computer in the house where my mother and Natalie could watch the footage.

Well here’s where things just didn’t go well. Nat got very excited to see me and while I was very short when she just got so aggressive with her attempts to reach out. I was not feeling this at all, and Natalie was either very oblivious or just wanted to break through. Meanwhile most of my answers to her was uh-huh, OK, nuh-uh, alright. I didn’t want to waste too much of my breath when I was more into cutting this off quickly.

My mother I recall just seemed very uncomfortable as her head was down I noticed at one point. Things took a turn when Natalie decided to state for the record – “I heard you got a little girlfriend“. Well now there was a trainwreck right there and part of the story I talked about this girl I called Nicole and it just didn’t work. Perhaps your hero just ran her away in spite of himself either way Nat decided to get in on this and I really wanted to cut this off. Once it became clear I wasn’t feeling it she finally sensed that this isn’t going where she wanted it to go.

She piped it down and sat back on the sofa, I hurried up and got out of the living room.

You know there were some questions I never answered. Well yeah in the heat of that moment at that time I definitely wasn’t feeling having to discuss what happened with that little girlfriend. She probably didn’t know that this was a very touchy subject and if you will it was a failure that I was still smarting from. Someone told her and she just go so excited and just didn’t know that this was really a negative subject for me. I also hardly updated anyone didn’t see a need to with family I just dropped it, this was one of those things I talked too much about.

If it was so built up in Nat’s mind it definitely was in mine until it fell apart. Not really her fault it was just how I handled it back then. I just didn’t want to talk about it and she was the last one that yours truly wanted to say anything about it to.

Another thing I mentioned back then was just that we’ve had some odd interactions where she guts upset and often I don’t come out well for it. I suppose she has some expectations that once I walk over them she just has a problem. For example, I didn’t know that she didn’t like shrugging – well I need to tell that story one day. In some cases if she had a problem with something she didn’t always handle them very maturely. But then in some of those incidents she was young and I’m betting some of this is her background especially with a mentally ill mother.

I’m willing to bet her own “maturity” causes her to not to be very upset with me. She’ll quickly forget what happened and try to be friendly again. It could be that she just wants to drop what upset her and certainly she’ll drop it once she felt as if she addressed it. Meanwhile I can hold onto stuff for a long time, while she moves forward I’ll turn around and say leave me alone.

Which for most of the last decade after graduating with my undergrad degree she largely has. I’ve been to a handful of reunions in the past decade and I’ve not seen her. I understand it’s usually vacations and when the family plans reunions it seems many of them are last minute. Once Natalie and Nate makes their plains there’s a scheduling conflict.

I did note that she sent me a friend request on facebook and when I didn’t accept or reject right away I eventually saw that it went away. Sometimes I might accidently hit a button whether to accept or reject and don’t recall that either way with Natalie, perhaps she just got tired of the waiting game or changed her mind. If she doesn’t take my actions very seriously, I’m sure she thought about some of my actions towards her over the years.

Oh and let me mention this, Natalie on the surface is very nice. On the other hand Nat has that angry side and its a side Ive encountered on occasion. And on this day at home, she exposed it especially after trying to figure something out about this little girlfriend. I can cause her to drop that happy smiley “mask” sometimes.

Finally another thing to add is that she was on the little girlfriend trip long before this. When my brother got married she started talking about it and had herself a “forced laugh” when she queried me regarding a dance I shared with some woman at the wedding. To be honest I don’t really remember who that “cougar” was but Natalie wanted to talk about it. When she found out I was going to visit another one of my uncles at a neighborhood watering hole she still had to state in a silly way that “maybe you will find you a girlfriend”.

Two of my uncles – one I don’t care for the other I cared for more – likely heard that remark and gave no response. Either they didn’t get it or they weren’t amused. Perhaps while her comment was thoughtless because we were going to a bar. At that time I wasn’t yet 21 and since my uncle at that time was middle-aged who knows what type of women I would find there. She probably didn’t really know…

Either way I’m planning to make yet another reunion over the summer. Perhaps we shall see how that turns out for yours truly. Will Nat and Nate be there this year?

Meanwhile feel free to check out The Cousin and Signals which are the most relevant posts to this revisit.