Updates

I went out of town this past weekend a few hours outside of Chicago in another state. Nothing really to report I was about as far in the background as possible. One night I ate so much food that I took to my hotel room from the picnic and from a local eatery that it made me sick. My stomach started growling when trying to sleep and realized my no. 2 had to come out….BAD! Sounds like pee but smells like poo, yuck!

Felt this way all day on Sunday and found out my bus back to chicago was late, sat around in our hotel (me and my mother of course) went to the bus station. They kicked us out because they lock the bus station down until the next station agent arrives in an hour. I got frustrated and upset at the time traveling with a parent who isn’t as mobile as she used to be. I recognized days later yours truly wasn’t being much of a “head of the table”.

We got to another city when we finally did catch a bus ultimately my mother and I had our feel of the bus and the train station was nearby so we took a train back home. All these delays in getting back home meant that I couldn’t be at work in the morning. That’s fine because after all these issues I needed some rest a break and my excuse was my stomach issues.

Almost got hit with a “improper call out” which I have known people to get into trouble for legit sick or not. Usually if you want to use your sick days, there isn’t many questions however I didn’t entirely follow procedure. For one thing after waiting in a bus terminal in the wee hours of the morning once I got on the train I stretched out and took a nap. Too tired to care when I should let my bosses know that Jack V isn’t coming to work to his assigned shift, though that’s a piece of business that’s still necessary. Either way the truth is I did have a stomach issue as opposed to admitting that I had issues getting home in time for my shift. Because unlike an earlier tardy which I’ve yet to share with you, who knows if a national passenger railroad will allow you a delay slip for your job. Both are true regardless but I was using a sick day and I’d be miserable going to work with an upset stomach.

Well thankfully it’s largely subsided since being home. Just been using some over the counter medication and following online advice avoiding certain foods, drinking water and teas, and eating certain foods like bananas. I feel great just won’t allow myself to do what I did this past weekend again.

Travel issues held up my timeline to finally apply for team receiver at the job. I was getting updates and was told by my boss finally that they will post that job. Not clear on the status of the team receiver who has been out for a few months, although he has returned and has taken shifts with another team as of now. Don’t know if he will be leaving our team or he will just transition to a new position on our team. Just don’t know as of now though I know he’s been talking about his physical therapy and how well it’s been going so on the mend it seems.

Hopefully this new journey will get me somewhere. Our dept has been understaffed and when I do the receiving usually I leave the load out because I feel as if it’s necessary to help push things onto the sales floor. It helps me to put things away in our backstock area. We’ve been understaffed and have lost some people during this rather hectic summer. So for now I’m doing the best I can.

As always if there are any further updates will be happy to share in the near future.

And for the record, they know I want to apply have declared my intent. They have been updating me and I’ve been asking all the questions I know of with regards to this situation. Again time will tell.

The cousin – revisited

I wanted to revisit this episode for a while. I wrote a post when starting this blog back in 2015 remembering an episode where a first cousin named Natalie came home to visit with my mother. Because yours truly can be the “brooding” type I stayed in another part of the house while my mother and her niece were entertaining.

I was on the computer at that point surfing the internet just doing what’s normal for me. My mother felt the need to pull me upstairs complaining that I needed to speak instead of being downstairs uninterested and oblivious. The excuse my mother used was that I had footage of the previous year’s reunion and the laptop I was using was the only computer in the house where my mother and Natalie could watch the footage.

Well here’s where things just didn’t go well. Nat got very excited to see me and while I was very short when she just got so aggressive with her attempts to reach out. I was not feeling this at all, and Natalie was either very oblivious or just wanted to break through. Meanwhile most of my answers to her was uh-huh, OK, nuh-uh, alright. I didn’t want to waste too much of my breath when I was more into cutting this off quickly.

My mother I recall just seemed very uncomfortable as her head was down I noticed at one point. Things took a turn when Natalie decided to state for the record – “I heard you got a little girlfriend“. Well now there was a trainwreck right there and part of the story I talked about this girl I called Nicole and it just didn’t work. Perhaps your hero just ran her away in spite of himself either way Nat decided to get in on this and I really wanted to cut this off. Once it became clear I wasn’t feeling it she finally sensed that this isn’t going where she wanted it to go.

She piped it down and sat back on the sofa, I hurried up and got out of the living room.

You know there were some questions I never answered. Well yeah in the heat of that moment at that time I definitely wasn’t feeling having to discuss what happened with that little girlfriend. She probably didn’t know that this was a very touchy subject and if you will it was a failure that I was still smarting from. Someone told her and she just go so excited and just didn’t know that this was really a negative subject for me. I also hardly updated anyone didn’t see a need to with family I just dropped it, this was one of those things I talked too much about.

If it was so built up in Nat’s mind it definitely was in mine until it fell apart. Not really her fault it was just how I handled it back then. I just didn’t want to talk about it and she was the last one that yours truly wanted to say anything about it to.

Another thing I mentioned back then was just that we’ve had some odd interactions where she guts upset and often I don’t come out well for it. I suppose she has some expectations that once I walk over them she just has a problem. For example, I didn’t know that she didn’t like shrugging – well I need to tell that story one day. In some cases if she had a problem with something she didn’t always handle them very maturely. But then in some of those incidents she was young and I’m betting some of this is her background especially with a mentally ill mother.

I’m willing to bet her own “maturity” causes her to not to be very upset with me. She’ll quickly forget what happened and try to be friendly again. It could be that she just wants to drop what upset her and certainly she’ll drop it once she felt as if she addressed it. Meanwhile I can hold onto stuff for a long time, while she moves forward I’ll turn around and say leave me alone.

Which for most of the last decade after graduating with my undergrad degree she largely has. I’ve been to a handful of reunions in the past decade and I’ve not seen her. I understand it’s usually vacations and when the family plans reunions it seems many of them are last minute. Once Natalie and Nate makes their plains there’s a scheduling conflict.

I did note that she sent me a friend request on facebook and when I didn’t accept or reject right away I eventually saw that it went away. Sometimes I might accidently hit a button whether to accept or reject and don’t recall that either way with Natalie, perhaps she just got tired of the waiting game or changed her mind. If she doesn’t take my actions very seriously, I’m sure she thought about some of my actions towards her over the years.

Oh and let me mention this, Natalie on the surface is very nice. On the other hand Nat has that angry side and its a side Ive encountered on occasion. And on this day at home, she exposed it especially after trying to figure something out about this little girlfriend. I can cause her to drop that happy smiley “mask” sometimes.

Finally another thing to add is that she was on the little girlfriend trip long before this. When my brother got married she started talking about it and had herself a “forced laugh” when she queried me regarding a dance I shared with some woman at the wedding. To be honest I don’t really remember who that “cougar” was but Natalie wanted to talk about it. When she found out I was going to visit another one of my uncles at a neighborhood watering hole she still had to state in a silly way that “maybe you will find you a girlfriend”.

Two of my uncles – one I don’t care for the other I cared for more – likely heard that remark and gave no response. Either they didn’t get it or they weren’t amused. Perhaps while her comment was thoughtless because we were going to a bar. At that time I wasn’t yet 21 and since my uncle at that time was middle-aged who knows what type of women I would find there. She probably didn’t really know…

Either way I’m planning to make yet another reunion over the summer. Perhaps we shall see how that turns out for yours truly. Will Nat and Nate be there this year?

Meanwhile feel free to check out The Cousin and Signals which are the most relevant posts to this revisit.

Timelines

You know I often speak so much about the Streak Era or the Reign of Error or perhaps a bit more long running the Planet Hustle period. There is one era I haven’t spoken as much about which is the Apocalypse Era and surely it sounds a lot more dire to you than it actually might be. Well you make the call on that as it’s spelled out for you.

The Apocalypse Era began in January 2017. At that point in time my mother was out of the hospital and while she wasn’t down and out she was complaining how she just didn’t have any energy. So while she was convalescing at home she wasn’t 100% after her recent weeks stay away from home.

My bedroom is next to my mother’s and I heard her discuss the situation of her then job at the time. She had a financial adviser crunch some numbers as she explained the current situation which was her company was increasingly unstable. The company’s longtime owner had passed away and his relatively young cute widow took over as principal owner bringing in consultants. The new owner who actually inherited the company one could say just was in over her head – you know it sort of sounds familiar doesn’t it?

In any case by 2017 her company was shut down and my mother was ultimately out of a job. It wasn’t expected at least on my end, I thought it would survive and sadly it didn’t. Not only that my hope was that even if it was relatively brief my mother would eventually return to work and it wasn’t to be. That’s why from January 2017 forward this is the apocalypse era.

I wrote about this at the time, this is the time Jack V had to step up to the plate. I’ll have to be the one to bring food home and more so now that my mother isn’t making the bacon she used to. It just had to be noted that my mother still buys most of the groceries, however, she’s not out and about as she used to be. Also it’s a bit weird that she’s still buying groceries as yours truly is currently working at a grocery store and had been since 2015.

We went to a Fresh store in the suburbs a month or so ago and spend more than I ever had at the store just over $60 and thats with a Fresh Foods discount it would’ve be closer to $70 without it. Sometimes it’s not that common for my mother to spend over $100 for groceries. However, you do what you have to procure necessities. In my strategy I try not to spend that much though since I do work at a grocery store it seems little by little I always grab necessities just about every shift.

To be honest though I didn’t take this whole Apocalypse Era very seriously. Perhaps it was just a difficult situation to face that my mother is effectively retired and yours truly has to be more responsible for himself. And as we lead into what became the Reign of Error yours truly faces the real challenge of that emerging timeline which is losing his job “unexpectedly” at the Hole.

I was reaching my apex for that time, working on a new role in my dept which hopefully meant a promotion. I don’t want to tell the whole story, but there is a reason I slipped from that apex. The management change in my dept just didn’t help at the time. It’s safe to say I was starting to run into a real brick wall in the form of a new manager. Needless to say just as the Apocalypse Era was in full swing all the sudden there was a stop in my income…

Watching wrestling there is a character I’ve increasingly became enamored of and he refers to himself as anything from the Big Dog to the Tribal Chief to the Head of the Table. In my own ego I don’t just want a seat at the table, I want to take the table with me when I leave. 😛

Still I’m trying to get into that mindset now although we’re over four years into this new era. I don’t want to get into the mindset of this character who tells his cousin how everything he does now reflects onto him. If he loses then the locker room won’t respect the Head of the Table. The Head of the Table is the one who’s bringing in the bread….

I feel as if without the very egoism or narcissism of this character, and in light of the revelations of Planet Hustle this is the mindset I need. Yours truly has to do a better job of handling his own business and especially at the home I still share with my elderly mother. Jack V has to be more responsible for myself and that means just as the Tribal Chief does, I have to do everything to secure the resources that are available.

When the Apocalypse Era started I still largely dwelled on the so-called Streak Era which marked the drive to find a new drive or indeed my time at The Show. Right now I’ve largely dwelled on the Reign of Error and Planet Hustle. Now it’s time to secure my future in the Apocalypse Era….

Money

In a recent post over at the other blog I shared a video that illustrates some steps you can take to get into control of your finances. It’s something I’ve begun to take more seriously now. My deal has been saving, however, my goal is to take control of my student loans which is the massive amount of my debt.

I’ve told you over time of my dealings with the Hustler. He knows I have student loans, and don’t really recall telling him how much. He knows my mother isn’t in the best shape healthwise and lost her longtime job and the last time he still came around looking for a small sum of cash.

The worst part is the man is in his 50s and he still has to resort to begging. And the history he has of it for whatever excuses he has – which included buying a hot dog from concessions one time – just let’s me know this is a recurring pattern he knew who to chase down for his needs. He knew how to adapt so that he can pull his target in.

Meanwhile what were my considerations?

Well I had one real setback which was the Calamity of 2017/Reign of Error. That was a setback, I had saved more money from the time I was at The Show to my time at the Hole that surpassed the money I had back when I was 18-19-20 years old due to having survivors benefits from my dad. It was an accomplishment though just a small fraction of the debt I hold. My optimism, allowed me to think it’s possible to whether the difficulty of holding such a large debt.

I made my goal of making $20K a year perhaps about 5 or 6 years after leaving the theater where I made nothing more than $12K/yr. I used that to put more money away and certainly to put a dent in my debts. Then here comes the set back and it was necessary to put a dent into my savings. In this case it was more to eat, and yes certainly it was to pay some of those debts though at this point I had an income issue which was for a brief period of time none were coming in at all.

The real income issue is making more which is why my long-term goal is six figures. There was someone at work who said be more realistic and in their mind – not the hustler thankfully – they were miserable where they were and saw no opportunities there. However that is an ongoing financial goal that I do have it will enable me to finally finish my debt once and for all and do other things I would like to do.

However, I can’t do that if there are people coming around looking for a small cash infusion. I definitely can’t do it only working $20K/yr and yes there were some good opportunities to get ahead. Unfortunately those opportunities lead to the idea that I just needed to slow down. Yours truly was forced to slow down ad realize that it’s not yours truly’s job to take care of those who come around looking for something. Will there be anything left for yours truly if anyone comes around looking for a handout and expects any without question.

So on this Easter as it closes, that’s where I’m at now. That’s why it’s time to follow Ramsey’s seven baby steps. And my income, my financial resources belong to me and only me. I should be allowed to do with it as I please. There is no obligation to anyone else, and especially outside of any family relationships.

Reflections

When I started this blog I had a specific vision of losing my virginity before a certain age. Well it hasn’t quite worked out that way. Worse still I haven’t made many of the benchmarks I hoped to have.

I had to suffer some disappointments and not only sexual ones or even relationship ones. This blog often focuses on work, it’s the one thing I know how to control. Perhaps not the people around me bosses and coworkers, but just having a job in general. I figure if a job is nothing more than a means to an end other things will follow.

I found this article looking up anything on virginity. This woman’s story – L. Rosen – is seemingly the most 2020 story ever. She wants to have a child and started off as a 40 year old virgin, then she ran into her childhood friend and lost her virginity to him. She’s still trying to have a child doing fertility treatments although this bug put a halt to it!

It causes me to take stock in what’s going on now. I feel as if in writing this blog I made more personal progress in my life. I had to cut out nosy people who really had very little to add to my life other than leeching. I realize what it takes to be successful to hopefully become a husband and father.

Unrealistically I think fortunes just change, reality is that you have to work to change your fortunes. The scary part as always is just getting the ball rolling – getting started. Waiting has gotten me nowhere.

I never before noted this, but as far as connecting with a girl or with a woman my hope was that it would happen organically. Perhaps I get that magic education or get the magic job, that hasn’t happened. I mention to a couple of childhood classmates that I went to a prestigious university usually no further contact ensues with those women I went to school with. It could be said yours truly got that prestigious degree but has very little to show for it. On the other hand when finally crossing the stage and getting that sheepskin I never felt so useless.

Thankfully I went through a whole decade after leaving Mission College with the work experience and skills that should’ve really been attained starting in my teens. I feel very behind in adulthood in more ways than one to be honest. However as long as I have life, I will not stop and it needs not stop at getting a woman. My life need not stop at that, however, I do desire a family of my own and will continue to work towards that.

So I think I do share a goal with Ms. L. Rosen….

Christmas

It was a tradition with my father’s brothers and sisters to have a gathering at one of my aunt’s house on Christmas. She was very lively and was heavily involved in church activities. Her cooking was often top notch and most of the family who was available to attend from cousins to her siblings and then even in-laws would come over to eat and socialize. For my part I just stay in a corner and people would often just approach because of course that’s what they were there for.

Well, the last one I attended it was when my mother was getting out of the hospital after getting further treatment for her condition. I didn’t stay as my mother who was waiting in the car probably was advised to avoid gatherings, you know social distancing because of the treatment she had – very much pre-pandemic. While I didn’t speak to anyone other than my aunt that I recall my only purpose was to pick up a plate she fixed for my mother on our way back to our home on that day.

That’s the last one I recall and it’s something that I now realize I took for granted. That aunt I’ve heard this year is beginning to lose it. Her mind just isn’t what it used to be and she is up there in the years. Alas since I’m not always the most sociable, I didn’t always want to be bothered. And there were times she’d lay her sociability very thick and often there was no favorable response from me.

My mother had to tell me some of this is because of my dad’s untimely demise and yes he went to these gatherings but owing to his temperamental nature I’ll bet he didn’t go every year. I get the sense that at some point my dad kept his distance from his family.

I remember we were with another aunt and my dad carried on to the point where she just got out of the car and took a bus home. She got tired of him and I can’t say some of this was his personality or his substance abuse.

Well I took a lot of these things for granted. Here’s hoping you’re cherishing the memories you’re making now! Never take anything for granted as one day it can be taken from you.

I hope you’re having a happy holidays this year.

Lately as we head into the holidays

Sorry to have not been updating as much as usual. I had some posts in the pipeline I had been working on and find myself less than satisfied with them. My birthday had also just passed so I wouldn’t be too upset if anyone left some belated birthday wishes.

Work has largely been uneventful had quite a few nights lately. Something I’m just not happy with, but what can you do? Options with jobs are largely limited right now. Especially at Fresh Foods, but then unfortunately I can have a one track mind about that…

Of course two of the more dominant subjects on this blog recurring was about the Hustler and the Reign of Error. There’s not much I want to write about the Hustler although the last time I saw his fb page I see him in the loving embrace of a woman. That may mean I may not hear much from him unless that falls apart. I could say he’ll find a way to alienate her, however, allow me to be optimistic and hope for the best of the couple. It seems like a mismatch she is older and very attractive she takes care of herself very well. The Hustler aka the Fiend is very grizzled, I would dare say he’s led a hard life then again he’s always looking for drama so his face reflects that.

My mother is doing OK, getting older and may be in line for the vaccine for this bug. I hope she just doesn’t buy into it hook line and sinker, but hey she is also at the most risk for this thing. I’m just glad that I hadn’t brought anything home with me, though for the most part I have been as careful as possible about it. Usually when I come home I spray disinfectant usually in the kitchen since I usually leave some items in the kitchen until my next work day.

I shared a pic with you all on instagram on a night where I was grocery shopping and beginning to see the shortages. It’s always temporary but it was jarring to see at the beginning of this crisis back in March how bare store shelves were. We could talk about dairy, produce, canned goods, meats, toilet tissue, sanitizer, disinfectant….could I go on. I’m just glad when this vaccine goes to those who need it most we can finally get out of this crisis as I just know there are many who are growing tired of it.

I’m still working on the Climax and sorry to not be as forthcoming on it. My goal as a writer is to be as satisfied with the finished product as possible. Hopefully I get some time off and can finish it soon.

Finally allow me to leave you with the theme from Midnight Cowboy. It’s a movie I’m not that familiar with though I see through synopsis that it has some familiar themes of loneliness or male alienation. I suppose it’s relatable in that case, however, with work that can change. Yes?

December

Before I knew it was December and usually I update this blog often enough to find things to talk about even retreading some old stories. I still haven’t put a satisfactory story together to discuss the climax of the reign of error. I hope to be motivated to do so during the course of this month the last one of 2020 a very fantastical year in my own memory. I hope 2021 will start off differently.

I had a nice discussion with my mother recently and I basically led with some unusual occurances at Fresh Foods in other stores. For example one of my former colleagues Mr. Boastful had moved on to Fresh’s flagship store to become a buyer and during the course of the year witnessed a regime change as the boss who hired him moved on.

Reportedly by someone who’s formerly worked with the company and who I formerly worked with at my current assignment that manager was essentially fired and now he’s no longer with the company. His job was posted though at some point he eventually left before I finally saw that they filled his old position. I get the feeling that Mr. Boastful will find himself going elsewhere in the near future he is the type who will get a bit disatisfied with his role and surely it’s because he knows he can do better.

Another odd occurance is that the store manager is also leaving as his job is now up. For now he remains in his current position however time will tell to find out if he’s leaving the company or he’s just moving up or moving on. Probably unlike what happened in 2019 with the Hole’s former mgr Morley. However in both cases I’m out of the loop and only they know what’s going on.

As far as the dept mgr who’s gone, I’ve never met him. When I arrived on the scene at my store he had left a while back. I didn’t hear many good things about him and often his portrayal of that was as a hard manager. At least he made good money at Fresh’s flagship store as it had been one of the top stores of the region.

Meanwhile as the pandemic continues I’m still surviving and looking for the right position. I’m still hoping Larry will have a position available for me to pursue in the near future. His dept hasn’t been hiring at all since this pandemic became a thing. It is what it is, I want to finish what I had started during the Reign of Error. I want to be able to do what I wanted over two years ago.

For now all I can do is pursue the opportunities that are available for me as of now. And I hope to do a bit more posting during the course of this month 🙂

What’s been happening?

The job has been picking up cases of this bug in recent weeks. We get text alerts on our phone and it seems we get notifications just about everyday as of late. Unfortunately we’ve learned someone has died of it in my dept.

I didn’t really associate with him although we did often work in close proximity. He dilligently did his job, what I can note was that he was short – well shorter than yours truly – and very pudgy. He wasn’t exactly the symbol of being physically fit. So I can visually spot a risk factor there although I can’t possibly know the state of his health.

Either way because he got sick put others under quarantine which led to our team being a lot more understaffed for the time being. Overtime is being offered it just lets me know this pandemic isn’t even close to being over. It didn’t burn out over the summer though at least we’re closer to a vaccine now than we were at the beginning.

I almost forgot I learned about the death after reading a note by the time clock after a day or two off. It dampened my spirits, the last thing anyone wants to know is that someone there died and especially from this ongoing bug going around. Well beyond that all one can do is to get on with it.

* Last month my mother lost one of her sisters. She was a younger sister who just made 60 this year, however, she had been sick for a period of time. I barely knew her as she spent a lot of time a part from the family. She’s had some issues in her youth that she had largely cleaned herself up.

She was married at the time of her untimely demise so she cleaned herself up long enough to find a husband. The only time I remembered her coming around and/or calling family was when she asked for money from my mother. I forget when that was it was in the 2000s or even the last decade I don’t remember. However, it seemed as if she was blowing up the phone lines for a small cash infusion.

Either way the last time I saw her I do remember which was after a family reunion the year I got kicked out of mission for the second and last time. Of course no one outside of me and my mother knew that at the time. I know that she was expecting more of a greeting than I was willing to give her at the time.

I was more focused on rubbing my hands with sanitizer and she was quick to move on to the next person. I suppose I wasn’t in the mood to be very touchy feely. Now in light of her untimely passing and just thinking about the last time I saw her now I feel bad.

I suppose you never know what the future is. Though couple that with the family reportedly never really saw her other than a very persistent ability from another of my mother’s sisters to reach out every once in a while. Just as I made a choice over a decade ago so did she. I could say she made a choice to grace us or more specifically yours truly with her presence only rarely. I still have no real idea that she was at my grandmother – well her mother’s funeral – although I have to admit I don’t know because I chose not to go.

* I have to add that I don’t like going to funerals. Because of my mother’s age and insecurity about driving at night I went to one funeral this year for one of my great aunts. So I wanted a chance to go to whatever services were for my aunt because we could go back to our family’s southern hometown to visit another relative who my mother learned her mind is starting to go bad. The relative was one of my dad’s aunt’s and she was the last survivor from his mother’s family.

Well owing to the pandemic in part and certainly my work schedule and how onerous it seems to insure that I won’t get penalized for not coming into work I just decided it wasn’t worth the hassle. I guess I’m a workaholic and it’s necessary in an uncertain time. We’re not even certain who the president will be although someone has declared they’re the president-elect.

Unfortunately I chose to not go and it seems my mother isn’t too unhappy about it. She didn’t really work too hard to make any arrangements to go as we heard other family were making plans. If I had went this would’ve been the first family gathering I’d have attended this year although under very sad circumstances.

* A question that was never asked. Why didn’t I go to my grandmother’s funeral?

The basic excuse is my work schedule. And perhaps I was concerned it was very onerous for me to try to get some time off to go to her funeral without being penalized. Also as I said I grew to not like funerals over the years. Perhaps I’ve just about seen them all to say I just don’t like them. Perhaps organ music, spirituals, hymms, remarks, preaching, caskets, etc just doesn’t have an appeal. Perhaps it’s not supposed to be an appeal other than to remember the live of the deceased.

Another part of this is that I worked at The Show as unlike now I didn’t get paid time off. During those years at the theater I hardly went out of town other than going to homecoming at Mission. What helps me to get out of town now is that I get PTO and thus I might take a week or so off to take a vacation.

For example I took a west coast jaunt years ago and what helped that was well I essentially got paid vacation for it. Not that it would’ve made it easier for me to attend a funeral out of town. But I do imagine that would’ve been a consideration at the time just as it could’ve been this time if I had been willing to make that effort.

* I do recognize that there was a period of time as I tried to build my income and my work experience that I missed out on time with my folks. When I went to Mission during my time at The Show I made no effort to connect with family of course the second time I went I had little choice there were no hotel vacancies and I couldn’t get a bus back to Chicago.

Either way there was a period of time it wasn’t very important. I want to make a effort to connect with people I care about more than I want to connect with people who really aren’t that concerned other than our blood connection. I feel as if just as my late aunt had I denied them at times the opportunity to connect the opportunity to grace them with my presence.

However, I feel as if the same rules apply as they do with the Fiend that I continue to mention on occasion. It comes out that he really doesn’t have a very positive view of yours truly. In his sense of domination and paternal instinct that attitude comes out. I have every right to pull back family or not.

Life’s too short

Initially when I wrote that post a few days ago about “crossroads” it was prompted by a two observations. Often I got to work early and often I take the train to work. One recent day going to work I ran into an older women I recognize on my commute.

She’s a woman who might be more more no less than 50 or perhaps even 60. She’s not unattractive, however, her face shows her age. Her hair is graying and often she might have her hair up in something of a bun, however, on this most recent day she had her hair down. Usually she’s wearing some type of uniform with a tie.

I’ve yet to determine what exactly she does for a job, however, I’ve guessed that she works in transportation especially for an airline. I nix that idea because she never gets off at any stop where she could go to either of Chicago’s two airports. However based on her uniform I just decided that she must do some type of security work.

So she’s on the train sometime after 6 AM as I am taking public transit to work. And this is one reason why I’m at a crossroads. Perhaps I have to decided whether this grind is worth it as I get older. Do I want to be going to work on public transit at a very early hour?

Although hey I figure as long as I’m in good health I would like to go as long as I can because if you don’t you might wither and who wants that. Perhaps for where I am in life I envisioned a lot more than what I have currently. Don’t get me wrong it’s great to be where yours truly is now, but I just know that it could be much better than this.

I suppose in my mind this lady should be retired by now, however, for reasons only she knows she still had to get out and go to work just about every day. This leads me to my next observation.

One day I was getting off the train from work and as I leave the train station I see this relatively tall woman walking bowlegged. She’s moving at an absolute crawl as if her feet or legs hurt. I want to get past but I’m so tired I can’t move fast enough to get past her. I see she sits down at a nearby bench.

I see yet another older woman who’s about 50 or 60 or so. She’s about to get on her phone I see her fat ankles or perhaps her ankles were swollen. She definitely had a security guard uniform on and she probably just got off work herself. I’m thinking that if she’s moving like that she needs to find another job where she can sit down for her shift.

Again it causes me to wonder what’s her story. I told my mother about it and she theorizes that a lot of people who are older and still trying to work made some decisions when they were younger. They made some “smart” decisions trying to avoid really having to work. Then they get old and they have no money to fall back on so at a later stage in their lives they’re forced to find something. I’m sure in their case the jobs they want don’t seem to want them so they get a job such as one in security.

I started going to work late in life. I got my degree and took a less than ideal job at a cinema. It was better to just get a regular income and luckily this was a job I held for a decent number of years until it was time to move on from it. However, it was a job I liked because I definitely liked going to the picture show. And I like working in a grocery store because while grocery shopping isn’t necessarily a memorable event there is an essential need behind it. People still need to buy meat, vegetables, and/or other staples for their kitchens.

I’d rather do both than do security to be honest, I’m glad that I picked my poison and deal with the often unpredictable public than take on such a lonely role as security. However the main thing I do want as I get older is to not find myself in the position where public transportation is my only option and that a lack of financial resources is the reason I take on a job I don’t like in the future.

One final recent observation. My mother and I went to a Sam’s Club recently and when I went to the bathroom I witnessed an elderly man perhaps he was 70 who seemed like he was composing himself. He was at work there and a coworker came to check on him. This old man was still work and probably isn’t in the best of health. Still had to work at his age

I’m working on not allowing that to become me.