to not act

i found these series of blogs by chance. i have a number of jackie’s in my background, women whom the opportunity was there and did little. a handful are women where there were some effort, however, it often blew up in my face.

i thought you’d be interested in these experiences. the author in question there’s uncertainty if he was a virgin. however it’s likely if the stories all began while in college and by the time you get to the final part he likely has plenty of experience with women.

so go read those three year old posts by panama jackson over at VSB

PART 1

PART 2

PART 3

chronicles

….of a 20ish virgin.

i think this will be a series of posts in no particular order. i may talk about women i’ve attempted to speak to or even the ones who tried to speak to me. especially when i was between 20 and 29. of course as happens on this blog i may get lost on other things such as work history or parental relationships for example.

COMMUNITY_COLLEGE

my early twenties had been spent at a community college since i graduated from high school. to be honest i had no plan for life after graduation other than my family’s expectation that i should go to college.

i enrolled at one of chicago’s community colleges and basically was average. somehow  i still had been accepted to a relatively prestigious liberal-arts college in georgia with a similar all-girls school across the street. my acceptance to that school would come the next spring.

anyway there wasn’t much action on the women front. there were a precious few women i could have asked out. especially the ones i went to class with but i was unwilling to shoot my shot. precious few still gave me any attention even if i deep down wanted it.

one semester i got a phone number – a hand written note – from a young woman i’ll refer to as carrie. carrie made a presentation in our social science class about living in public housing and some of the experiences she had. one notable part of this story was that she witnessed oral sex out in the open between people at her development.

another part of the story is that she had been touched by some of the violence that occurs in public housing. for example a high profile murder occurred and she knew the mother who lost her son to the violence. i thought it sounded as if the gang was targeting the mother but instead hit her son.

well it took me a few months to shoot my shot with carrie. and i finally did at the college library. that was at the end of the semester and i had my eye on her and she knew it. for the most part i was just uncomfortable with taking my shot but i took it.

oh yes to describe carrie. she had the nicest pair of eyes and a nice smile. i learned that she had a bit of a playful side that she on occasion displayed with me and with others. i liked what i thought of as her warmth.

one problem, i blew it. we didn’t see each other often after that semester although she was there and saw her on occasion. it was the end of that next semester when i finally called her. and we did talk a little bit then sloppily suggested that we go out sometime anytime she wanted to. that spelled the end for me getting some of that perceived warmth.

near the end i saw carrie again in the computer lab we spoke and she came up with excuses such as she had papers to do – ie the semester was almost over why are you still doing papers. i called her number one more time to talk but whoever answered the phone said she call me back. i never heard from this young woman again. and it took me a year to throw her number away as i wanted another chance and thought better of it.

it’s easy to build up an image in my mind. perhaps i wanted to be that knight in shining armor. my background was much different than carrie’s as i never grew up in public housing so i may not understand it. perhaps she may not understand my background either. either way i got let down somewhat easily and this was a lesson learned. perhaps i need a better approach and i shouldn’t allow something to build in my mind.

hopefully wherever carrie is today she is very happy with where she is today.

oblivious

denial

sometimes i still consider the case of candace. i haven’t seen that young woman in almost five years. she takes up some space on this blog and more so than any woman  for whom i’ve expressed no interest in reciprocation to any interest she may have had in me.

i recognize now that i engaged in some behaviors which were just as easily off putting to her as i thought them clever. my sarcasm and my obliviousness drove her away. i guess there was a part of me that wanted to continue to dish my own “punishment” until she gave up.

for her part she fell in to her “kliq” of that period such as my one-off foe of that time who proved to have some allies in a number of places at “the show”. if she was the one who could have made some difference for me during that very tense time i definitely blew it even if i would never truly reciprocate her attention.

i also recognize that due to what i saw as her aggressiveness it was possible she had her own agenda and it never benefited me. of course this could be one of the “what ifs” of my story, but if i did give in to her attention is it possible that this would’ve been more gossip. chances are in dealing with the kids that worked at the theater at that time there was gossip anyway whether i took my shot or not.

what i consider is that a girl of about 19 or 20 – she could be slightly older or younger – had been seeking male attention. she may not have really wanted to have any type of serious relationship. she just wanted attention and it’s possible ignoring or rejection wasn’t acceptable. my response to her – as it had been then – was not very good and while i held the guise of it being entertaining to me it was truly a problem for her. or it became a problem for her until she stopped showing any response to my behavior.

sometimes i consider how oblivious i can be to women who want to give me the attention. unfortunately it’s not often that women give me attention and besides for the most part in our society women are being pursued not the pursuers. however if a pursued women likes the attention she can always encourage or discourage it if she doesn’t and sometimes the distinction becomes funny if she somehow decides whether or not she likes the person giving the attention.

sometimes i wonder if from some available woman, i missed the mark. it doesn’t matter if it’s candace, missy – which seems very unlikely, mary, becky, regina, janice, nicole, or even elise. i never got comfortable or even knew how to respond to any woman who expressed their own interest in me. and perhaps at the same time i find a way to be suspicious of it.

it makes me wonder if something is going on upstairs where i can’t help but hurt myself when it comes to women.

the pick up

thepickupartist06

i talk sometimes about the art of the pick-up. i’ve had friends over the years try to have me talk to a random woman because they decided it was something i needed to do. at sometimes it just plain wasn’t what i wanted to do so it didn’t happen. that friend would talk about me and suggest something was wrong.

something was wrong, i’m just not comfortable with doing that. it seems i can do it easily with women online just have to come up with something clever to say or just type a compliment. only thing i’ve learned is that some women tend not to respond because they use the excuses of they don’t know me for example.

it’s also a conclusion that women seem to go for men they know or met in real life. some random guy trying to relate to them online in general it seems very easy to cut off. perhaps it’s even easy to cut off a guy who even though they met in real life before if there’s nothing there she can still treat a man as an afterthought.

at times i’ve discussed women i work with. there are quite a few whom i would date at my current job as there are a number of them who would catch my interest. unfortunately even if there were moments where i felt as if i could it’s still uncomfortable. and then of course no matter where you are as far as a job dating could still be a dangerous thing.

i can recognize now that sometimes there’s a delicate balance between maintaining a woman’s interest and sharing a little too much too soon. i realize it doesn’t take long before a woman may come up with any excuse to cut things off. it’s also possible that it wasn’t meant to be anyway.

this could apply to those women whom i connected with online in addition to those i may choose to “pick-up” in real life. another real life thing is also i seem to have a history of not responding very well to rather aggressive women. i’m sure it’s the same for women who don’t like rather aggressive men.

as much as i wish a woman would fall in my lap and or notice me i’ve got an odd catch-22. the women who would make the approach i may not respond well to them and the women i approach may have decided for whatever reason i’m not what they want.

signals

kwhen it comes to my awkward dealings with women i have an interest i always look for signs or signals. the main signal must be favorable to me or otherwise i have a hard time deciding whether or not she wants me. when it comes to waiting for such signals i’ve been burned before.

that being said over the years i have proven to be very oblivious to whatever signals a woman may send. look no further than my story about candace, the signals were there and i chose to remain oblivious. that’s  not the only one, but it’s said only in 20/20 hindsight.

whether or not i get the “go-ahead” signal from a woman the issue with me is how to proceed. with some women all i can do is still screw something up and she’ll lose interest. my experience has been that it doesn’t take long for her to lose interest. you’ll get nothing from her at all if she has none.

my thing when it comes to women is that well you never know if any signals of interest is all in your head. look no further than becky. some of her behavior and what she told me about her “guy-friend” may just be signals that are all in my head.

and yes i am considering the comment made by the unfortunate virgin.

if she talks about her guy friend it may mean no interest. of course even then there is a context, is she serious with him? alas i may not have all the data to determine that. even worse there are those women who would play fast and loose with whether or not they’re with someone. this is something i would want to be careful with.

another thing i have experienced with women is that sometimes the signal i think i see may just be in my head. perhaps i think she wants me to make my move, then i make it and then she shuts down on me. she’s not interested and there’s little i can do to change that response.

then the other thing is if you take too long to make a move, it makes it easier for her to move on. in some cases she may just be pissed that you didn’t make your move on her. more or less how dare you not get in on this action.

man this romance/sex business is a difficult thing to manage. so many variables, personalities, or even thoughts. sometimes normal logic doesn’t even prevail. perhaps i’m not chasing the right ones…

connection? part 2

729bd-022216-3d-transparent-glass-icon-culture-religion-cross-simpleafter some time of no messaging janice has finally written back. earlier i wrote about making eye contact with a young lady (not janice) at collegiate homecoming. it turns out she was there in the festivities and missed her again. 😦

it was noted in part one that she may have a man in her life, but for the moment who knows if that’s serious. all i can hope for is that she’ll be very serious about me in the near future. at least considering that i was unwilling to really go for it when something immediately could’ve come of it. also we carried on an online convo over months and then suddenly after attempting to say let’s go for a movie nothing.

she told me recently that she’s an ordained minister. it was something that has blown me away and causes me to question whether or not i should proceed with her. besides what i wish i could do with her wouldn’t be very christian although i realize one thing. even women of the cloth just like the men still have their desires and they want someone. that someone still has to be a good fit.

at this point, i don’t know about janice but the big picture is maintain some type of friendship with her. i may have my second chance or i may not but who knows it may help me find someone at some point. that or become a pick-up artist in my own right.

the wrestling girl pt. 2

You know with the Wrestling Girl I’ve basically decided not to make any sort of moves on her. Mainly because I think she does have someone. That means she won’t likely be the one whom I can just experience outside of my comfort zone.

On second thought what is my comfort zone, I’m still a virgin because I haven’t been able to get outside of my zone in order to attract a mate. That zone could include the Wrestling Girl. Still it’s funny to discuss what she sort of told me when we got off work.

So we were still in our department and we had a convo about various cheeses. She had her shoes off at one point and I commented rather sarcastically that our area smells like cheese. She shoots back a you smell like cheese and then a random convo starts from there.

Then later we go to our lockers and somehow she talks about her man guyfriend. She claims he loses things headphones, hats, wallets, things like that. I only smile and acknowledge, then she admitted she won’t even let him have keys to her place. WTF????

So I told her that’s bogus, but all she says is that knowing his history of losing things she’s concerned he’ll lose the key to her place. That just means for me that I’d better keep up with my key to her place. Of course, how do I wind up with one of those. 😛

Of course in light of that, I feel as if I know too much about her personal life. It’s funny that she tells me this info though.