to not act

i found these series of blogs by chance. i have a number of jackie’s in my background, women whom the opportunity was there and did little. a handful are women where there were some effort, however, it often blew up in my face.

i thought you’d be interested in these experiences. the author in question there’s uncertainty if he was a virgin. however it’s likely if the stories all began while in college and by the time you get to the final part he likely has plenty of experience with women.

so go read those three year old posts by panama jackson over at VSB

PART 1

PART 2

PART 3

chronicles

….of a 20ish virgin.

i think this will be a series of posts in no particular order. i may talk about women i’ve attempted to speak to or even the ones who tried to speak to me. especially when i was between 20 and 29. of course as happens on this blog i may get lost on other things such as work history or parental relationships for example.

COMMUNITY_COLLEGE

my early twenties had been spent at a community college since i graduated from high school. to be honest i had no plan for life after graduation other than my family’s expectation that i should go to college.

i enrolled at one of chicago’s community colleges and basically was average. somehow  i still had been accepted to a relatively prestigious liberal-arts college in georgia with a similar all-girls school across the street. my acceptance to that school would come the next spring.

anyway there wasn’t much action on the women front. there were a precious few women i could have asked out. especially the ones i went to class with but i was unwilling to shoot my shot. precious few still gave me any attention even if i deep down wanted it.

one semester i got a phone number – a hand written note – from a young woman i’ll refer to as carrie. carrie made a presentation in our social science class about living in public housing and some of the experiences she had. one notable part of this story was that she witnessed oral sex out in the open between people at her development.

another part of the story is that she had been touched by some of the violence that occurs in public housing. for example a high profile murder occurred and she knew the mother who lost her son to the violence. i thought it sounded as if the gang was targeting the mother but instead hit her son.

well it took me a few months to shoot my shot with carrie. and i finally did at the college library. that was at the end of the semester and i had my eye on her and she knew it. for the most part i was just uncomfortable with taking my shot but i took it.

oh yes to describe carrie. she had the nicest pair of eyes and a nice smile. i learned that she had a bit of a playful side that she on occasion displayed with me and with others. i liked what i thought of as her warmth.

one problem, i blew it. we didn’t see each other often after that semester although she was there and saw her on occasion. it was the end of that next semester when i finally called her. and we did talk a little bit then sloppily suggested that we go out sometime anytime she wanted to. that spelled the end for me getting some of that perceived warmth.

near the end i saw carrie again in the computer lab we spoke and she came up with excuses such as she had papers to do – ie the semester was almost over why are you still doing papers. i called her number one more time to talk but whoever answered the phone said she call me back. i never heard from this young woman again. and it took me a year to throw her number away as i wanted another chance and thought better of it.

it’s easy to build up an image in my mind. perhaps i wanted to be that knight in shining armor. my background was much different than carrie’s as i never grew up in public housing so i may not understand it. perhaps she may not understand my background either. either way i got let down somewhat easily and this was a lesson learned. perhaps i need a better approach and i shouldn’t allow something to build in my mind.

hopefully wherever carrie is today she is very happy with where she is today.

oblivious

denial

sometimes i still consider the case of candace. i haven’t seen that young woman in almost five years. she takes up some space on this blog and more so than any woman  for whom i’ve expressed no interest in reciprocation to any interest she may have had in me.

i recognize now that i engaged in some behaviors which were just as easily off putting to her as i thought them clever. my sarcasm and my obliviousness drove her away. i guess there was a part of me that wanted to continue to dish my own “punishment” until she gave up.

for her part she fell in to her “kliq” of that period such as my one-off foe of that time who proved to have some allies in a number of places at “the show”. if she was the one who could have made some difference for me during that very tense time i definitely blew it even if i would never truly reciprocate her attention.

i also recognize that due to what i saw as her aggressiveness it was possible she had her own agenda and it never benefited me. of course this could be one of the “what ifs” of my story, but if i did give in to her attention is it possible that this would’ve been more gossip. chances are in dealing with the kids that worked at the theater at that time there was gossip anyway whether i took my shot or not.

what i consider is that a girl of about 19 or 20 – she could be slightly older or younger – had been seeking male attention. she may not have really wanted to have any type of serious relationship. she just wanted attention and it’s possible ignoring or rejection wasn’t acceptable. my response to her – as it had been then – was not very good and while i held the guise of it being entertaining to me it was truly a problem for her. or it became a problem for her until she stopped showing any response to my behavior.

sometimes i consider how oblivious i can be to women who want to give me the attention. unfortunately it’s not often that women give me attention and besides for the most part in our society women are being pursued not the pursuers. however if a pursued women likes the attention she can always encourage or discourage it if she doesn’t and sometimes the distinction becomes funny if she somehow decides whether or not she likes the person giving the attention.

sometimes i wonder if from some available woman, i missed the mark. it doesn’t matter if it’s candace, missy – which seems very unlikely, mary, becky, regina, janice, nicole, or even elise. i never got comfortable or even knew how to respond to any woman who expressed their own interest in me. and perhaps at the same time i find a way to be suspicious of it.

it makes me wonder if something is going on upstairs where i can’t help but hurt myself when it comes to women.

honesty box kissing

p.txt

Here is one example of an honesty box convo that I’ve had. As I comb through the archives of my past messages, there will be more in the future. Hopefully more “sexual” in content although probably not entirely exciting.

you said,
Can I get some sugar off of those nice lips?

they said,
lol……that depends….

you said,
You need to know who I am? Or does it depend on if you like me or not? Or do I have to be tall dark and handsome?

they said,
i would like to know who you are…lol

you said,
I would LOVE to tell you, but I know I won’t get a kiss. 😛

they said,
how do you figure?

you said,
We live in two separate cities and to give a guy you may not know a kiss would require a road trip.

they said,
what city u live in?

you said,
In in ATL right now.

they said,
do we know each other?  y u wanna kiss me?  lol….

you said,
Nah, we don’t although we are “facebook friends”. As for the why, well aside for the fact that you seem to have nice lips, I just wanted to ask.

they said,
Whats ur name friend?

you said,
Let’s just say that you’ve heard from me from time to time. I may lay a compliment here and there. 🙂

they said,
oh…c’mon….i need another hint…

you said,
Would you want to know a strange guy who started off asking for a kiss? lol!!!

they said,
quit stalling and tell me who u are! lol

you said,
What if I sent you a message with my name on it? I’d do it anyway just to you know not keep stalling, but would it get me that kiss or what would happen? lol

they said,
still waiting for you to tell me who you are…you can write it in a note, on my wall….just tell me! lol

you said,
I don’t strive to make this type of thing public so it’ll have to be a Facebook message. You must want to give a kiss away don’t you. LOL!

they said,
i just wanna know who wants a kiss……then we can go from there…lol..send me a message

you said,
Sounds good. 🙂

they said,
lol

With that being said, I can’t say for certain how this ultimately concluded. I’d have to do some digging and figure this out. It’s entirely possible that nothing came of this and this young lady never found out who wanted to lock lips with her.

the pick up

thepickupartist06

i talk sometimes about the art of the pick-up. i’ve had friends over the years try to have me talk to a random woman because they decided it was something i needed to do. at sometimes it just plain wasn’t what i wanted to do so it didn’t happen. that friend would talk about me and suggest something was wrong.

something was wrong, i’m just not comfortable with doing that. it seems i can do it easily with women online just have to come up with something clever to say or just type a compliment. only thing i’ve learned is that some women tend not to respond because they use the excuses of they don’t know me for example.

it’s also a conclusion that women seem to go for men they know or met in real life. some random guy trying to relate to them online in general it seems very easy to cut off. perhaps it’s even easy to cut off a guy who even though they met in real life before if there’s nothing there she can still treat a man as an afterthought.

at times i’ve discussed women i work with. there are quite a few whom i would date at my current job as there are a number of them who would catch my interest. unfortunately even if there were moments where i felt as if i could it’s still uncomfortable. and then of course no matter where you are as far as a job dating could still be a dangerous thing.

i can recognize now that sometimes there’s a delicate balance between maintaining a woman’s interest and sharing a little too much too soon. i realize it doesn’t take long before a woman may come up with any excuse to cut things off. it’s also possible that it wasn’t meant to be anyway.

this could apply to those women whom i connected with online in addition to those i may choose to “pick-up” in real life. another real life thing is also i seem to have a history of not responding very well to rather aggressive women. i’m sure it’s the same for women who don’t like rather aggressive men.

as much as i wish a woman would fall in my lap and or notice me i’ve got an odd catch-22. the women who would make the approach i may not respond well to them and the women i approach may have decided for whatever reason i’m not what they want.

her

540_293_resize_20120801_d9d27298e3b9693e0cc634439819b2bb_jpg

not her but i can only wish it was.

yeah until recently no one else caught on to this style i’ve adopted which. what is this her? why is her italicized? what is its significance?

the only significance is that she would be the one for me. only thing is how will i know it’s her. perhaps that will only happen i become the him for her.

her could’ve been this strange woman who i met on the train one late night and i wasn’t at ease. she was not what i was looking for. she wanted a random convo about women who look at men for the money they make and only chase them away. i really wasn’t interested and when she started asking questions about last relationships or my name i gave a cover story and a fake name. my phone number was real she called it right there to key me in and i made sure to block her number when i got home.

perhaps i missed the one for me, but this person didn’t make me feel at ease and wasn’t what i wanted to attract. i decided to be nice instead of rude to this woman although i really didn’t show too much interest.

either way the woman you see isn’t a representation of her. she’s just eye candy that hopefully any man could salivate over. perhaps the woman i’m looking for won’t be so eager to model as this woman had.

either way this is something of a further explanation of my rationale for that style. i’m still looking for her, but for the purposes of this blog it’s as much being that guy she wants. not the other way around.

perseverence

Perseverance

at times i got caught up with one woman and especially one who proved to be promising only to find myself shut out regardless. it’s a disheartening feeling that keeps me from a relationship because sometimes i have no idea what happened. as stated in another post sometimes it doesn’t take much for a woman to say hell no to a well meaning man.

case in point, for the last two days through this dating app i had been talking to this young lady. very beautiful with a nice smile and educated. we seemed to have conversed very well during our exchange.

this was an app where we’d get matched especially if i hit an icon of interest or like. then what did me in was my response to whether or not we should connect on fb. she said she wasn’t a fan of social networking and preferred to get to know people by either meeting them or talking to them on the phone. well i seemed somewhat interested in that and apparently she “unmatched” me. 😦

setbacks like this are discouraging although it’s easier to move on. i can consider that she may never see my face again although she’s only seen an online depiction of how i look. also if she’s just that quick to judge like this then who needs her.

so with online dating or even in person it still takes some form of perseverance with these women. there are lonely women of varying types who shares some of my interests. the question is how will i connect with them and who will ultimately be her?