odds & ends

* recently i went to my bank to deposit my federal tax refund. most of it is being used for bills the rest is being saved. the bank i went to was empty as it’s undergoing a transition having failed earlier this year. this bank was where i had my savings account since i was 18. now it has me thinking i should change banks though i was keen on doing it when the failure occurred i’ve since been taking my time and still thinking about it.

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* speaking of that bank, my mother recently went there to clean out her office. she hadn’t seen the inside of that place since she went on medical leave again in december. she was why i had an account there in the first place starting a savings account for me so that i have somewhere to deposit the social security checks for my dad. all the same all the changes that occurred the failure and ultimate sale to another bank happened while my mother was on medical leave. because of these changes she never returned to work. that’s a story in and of itself however.

* for this now i call this current period “the apocalypse”. i could compare this period to the “streak era” from 2012 to 2014 where i was getting interviews but no job offers. this period is far more different and of significant change which led to my mother’s unexpected retirement. that day was coming sooner or later and now it just means she’s not in the position to help me anymore and i’m literally going to be on my own. i see it as a positive development however there was some uncertainty as there had been when i left “the show” in 2014 to become a bank teller

* what led to this period is a bit of an interesting story and happened long before my mother was diagnosed with a compound fracture in her hip/thigh area. the real effects of this new situation involved insurance. when my mother’s employer sent a check to pay premiums the insurer sent the check back because that company no longer exists. the new company had their own insurance and insisted on using that instead of paying for what already existed. it resulted in my mother having to scramble to seek further treatment from her hospital when a nursing service called her to say her insurance was cancelled and no nurse would come to the house. so my mother further scrambled to get medicare and then get some form of tweener insurance.

* it finally connects in my mind that it’s more or less all me now. definitely a scary prospect, however, because of my mother’s condition it makes some goals more difficult. for example i’m interested in moving out, however, that plan is tempered by the fact that mother isn’t as mobile as she used to be. another wrinkle is that i may possibly choose to leave home and when i do my mother may choose to sell her house. she doesn’t want to be at home by herself and i really don’t want her to sell off the house.

* in this new era of significant change i have some decisions to make. especially now that i’m about to head into the 2nd half of 2017. the decision i make will allow me to be far more comfortable about even thinking about dating in the future. besides if i get nookie from any prospective woman the last place i’d want to take her is home where my retired mother lives.

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my mother told me she’s going back to the hospital. over the last few weeks she had been undergoing procedures to set her up for another procedure which involves bone marrow and blood plasma. this isn’t surgery where she will be under anesthesia, however, she’ll still be gone for about 10 or so days.

recently, she spent overnight at the hospital because a “portal” placed on her for the coming procedure caused some bleeding and they needed to give her some sutures. i was a little frustrated and she likely was also because a lot of waiting on her part. in my case i was waiting because they needed someone on ready especially if she’s not 100% and often that person was me.

i’ll be alone at home for 10 days and i’m unsure what to do. if i had those kinds of relationships with women one could stay home with me during those days where my mother’s gone. however, it does seem a little unseemly doesn’t it or not when i’ve had that type of relationship and she doesn’t mind it.

i’ve begun to realize as much as my personality has been described as a loner, i don’t like being alone in a not so big house. it is really important for me to share my life with someone and often skirted this for a number of years. just not sure how to start on this when i should’ve started at least in my teenaged years.

to be sure this is the worst time for me to think about these things. my mother is undergoing her own health challenges with the issues involving a compound fracture in her hip/thigh area. but i have a place to stay and no one by myself for the time being.

also, i’ve struggled with the idea of being a part-time caretaker. thankfully she’s largely able to take care of herself and when she finally comes home there will be people coming over to keep an eye on her. i literally don’t relish having to be in that role and sooner or later this has to be communicated. this is only because i’ve finally gotten to the point where i want to actually live life and if i don’t do it now it’ll just get much harder.

the idea has crept in my head that it’s time to move. i’ve spent most of my life at home and then going to the liberal arts college, but it’s time to be in my own place. unfortunately i’ll still likely be alone, but it’s past time. it helps that i’ve finally found a job where i can make good money and grow after almost 5 years at the stagnant minimum wage. i saved enough money where i can do that and perhaps still get a little car.

in the meanwhile how can i possibly manage being at home by myself while my mother is away at the hospital. also it’s very important that i hope for the best as always!

discomfort

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as i wish i can be sometimes

so i thought about hugs and then about becky why am i comfortable with them and less so with other women. actually other women i’ve worked with i think i get on with them in some way even if only professionally.

to be sure if i don’t get on very well with some women it might be personality differences especially at work. perhaps i just don’t mesh as well with them as they might not with me. i can say that relations will go downhill quick with a take charge type woman and especially if she has this need to run her big mouth.

either way i worth with becky one weeknight and then hugs came back to visit. unfortunately i never spoke to hugs and she brought her boyfriend along. as it turns out he used to work with us and transferred to another store. she on the other hand went back to school out of state.

i may just say i was disappointed that hugs has a boyfriend though not surprised as i’ve discussed this. lots of people like her so he should be a lucky man although let’s be honest here dating shouldn’t be a popularity contest. you either like someone or you don’t.

which leaves me to the point of this post. on this same evening mary spoke to me. the subject was two carts i saw a coworker run to the back and apparently near her department. i decided to use them only to find that they weren’t clean and our “convo” went from there discussing how everyone had their definition of clean. why didn’t i feel comfortable even with someone as cute as her.

now i’ve discussed mary at times before as well. i hesitate to really say a whole lot to her mainly because of the “crazy vibes”. not necessarily because of the “stalking” episode because i don’t take it very seriously.

she may be one with whom i can be comfortable aside from a hug only once on my birthday.  on this occasion i wasn’t at ease. how can i connect with any woman – who also happens to be single – if i’m not at ease.

on the other hand with hugs and becky i may have decided i either have no interest or more likely there isn’t chance for me to be with them. although to be sure i’ve toyed with the idea of attempting to woo becky. but for the moment becky has someone and it keeps me back for the moment. and also it doesn’t help to work with someone you would entertain dating or sex because that’s dangerous.

the wrestling girl pt. 2

You know with the Wrestling Girl I’ve basically decided not to make any sort of moves on her. Mainly because I think she does have someone. That means she won’t likely be the one whom I can just experience outside of my comfort zone.

On second thought what is my comfort zone, I’m still a virgin because I haven’t been able to get outside of my zone in order to attract a mate. That zone could include the Wrestling Girl. Still it’s funny to discuss what she sort of told me when we got off work.

So we were still in our department and we had a convo about various cheeses. She had her shoes off at one point and I commented rather sarcastically that our area smells like cheese. She shoots back a you smell like cheese and then a random convo starts from there.

Then later we go to our lockers and somehow she talks about her man guyfriend. She claims he loses things headphones, hats, wallets, things like that. I only smile and acknowledge, then she admitted she won’t even let him have keys to her place. WTF????

So I told her that’s bogus, but all she says is that knowing his history of losing things she’s concerned he’ll lose the key to her place. That just means for me that I’d better keep up with my key to her place. Of course, how do I wind up with one of those. 😛

Of course in light of that, I feel as if I know too much about her personal life. It’s funny that she tells me this info though.

the wrestling girl

Candy_GirlNOTE: the pic above isn’t actually of the wrestling girl, but would you have believed it if i had actually chose to say nothing to explain the above pic? 😛

i’ve alluded to her in an earlier post. one while we’ve worked together frequently and as of late we haven’t been. bummer because i grew comfortable with her, enough so that i’m fb friends with her now. i’ve alluded that it was my intention to ask her.

she’s called wrestling girl because she’s aware of my interest in wrestling and connect with me on that basis for the most part. other than that it was mostly work that we’d talk about. as a worker she’s real particular about how to do things which is fine. i’ve met much worse people like that.

i was somewhat disappointed that she appears to be with someone. who knows what their relationship has progressed to, but it’s often she and her man often pose together. sometimes there are pictures that shows plenty of kisses whether of each other on the lips or just on the cheek.

the wrestling girl piques my interest in that way. i dunno about a serious long term relationship not sure if that’s what i want with her. i definitely have something in mind with her, but at least for now if she’s involved i can relax.

like hugs she’s outside of my race and she’s rather slender with some height on her. seeing her pics on fb she was kind of chubby in the past although if i did have that comfort with her as i do now it wouldn’t have mattered at all.

my interaction with her mostly involves me saying something smart to her to basic things. like her saying bye or seeing that i went out of town recently. she laughs it off and says i’m a goofball, but let’s just say i like playing around with her like that. i also realize this is an easy way to turn her off.

you know what clicked in my head about her. one of the last few times we worked together we somehow was outside of the job together it was at night. she noticed i was out there with her and just stared and i was trying not to :lol:. we talked for a minute, but the way she was being somewhat playful it kind felt like a signal. now this could be a case of something in my head that has no realistic basis.

another thing i’ve considered since she’s friends with me on fb and let me know she noticed i was out of town to visit my school. it shows she pays attention to me in some respects of course me being me my response was to say that fb isn’t a person though. she shrugged it off, but perhaps she viewed that as me being me…

i did think about this although i can’t do it now. what if i bought her an item as a gift from the all-girls school down there where i paid a visit. i bought a t-shirt and water bottle perhaps she’d have appreciated a baseball cap. it would’ve been the most eccentric gift i can give her and could only wonder if those who are aware of this school or those who attended would just start wondering why she’s wearing such an article.

anyway just a thought lol

Eye contact

4c06aa3b60d5d7824673ba772a88b47e1eead789a2277faf54beb1ad251409dbYou know I have experience with this to know when this either evokes positive feelings or outright hostility. Both have happened to me although have I acted on it no.

Recently I went back to my college for my first vacation out of town since I’ve started my current job. Saw a handful of old friends there but this is a big event at my school so I probably wouldn’t be able to see everyone.

To be honest when I was in school I never enjoyed the best relations with women. Indeed whatever I did have with the opposite sex was mostly online with very few exceptions. Some young women may know me from that but many still prefer to meet men – whether friends or potential mates in real life. It took me some time to understand that, but that’s the fact.

Another time on this same campus but a previous year, I unexpectedly ran into another old friend. He was talking about eye contact. How one time on this occasion he was looking right at some young lady and their eyes locked. Then he noted that she showed this look on her face because she was with her boyfriend and they immediately broke eye contact.

I have my own story, though it may be how I usually end the story. I locked eyes with some young lady although not entirely intending to. I was walking by a sorority tent the young lady in question was talking to her soror and I walked by at this point. My shtick mostly is not eye contact but just looking at faces people watching. Eye contact depends it’s powerful but dangerous.

Basically as I walked by the tent I decided to look back because I still have a thing for women in a sorority. Although it’s no longer that serious as I’m not an undergrad anymore. Without planning to, for a brief moment me and one of these women made eye contact. I got her attention although when we seemed to have locked eyes it didn’t take long for me to break off contact.

Now I’ve over analyzed this in my head, this could’ve been where I would’ve showed my comfort in talking to her right there. I wasn’t really, it was also possible that she may have recognized me from somewhere, perhaps one of those many women I’ve attempted to speak online but she wasn’t interested.

To internalize this, the issue may well have been shyness. I have no problem making eye contact with women I do find attractive. At the same time, the onus is still on me to keep her interest and sadly I’m not a player in that game.

This college sporting event that I was just outside of for tailgate probably would’ve been the most perfect time to find as many women as possible to speak to. Unfortunately I have no running buddy soooo…..that could be both an advantage and a disadvantage. Alumni or young co-eds a game plan is necessary of course I’d have to find the right one.

Many seemed interested in my selfie stick some are getting their 15 secs on youtube at some point. All the same if I go to other events such as this, I can walk off with more women I can get the chance to know. That could be phone numbers, facebook, or an instagram.

You know what if I found that girl with whom I made eye contact. She may recognize me and get freaked out. It may also be possible she may have forgotten as that was such a fleeting moment in the grand scheme of things.