memorial service

it’s not often that i write a post so soon after an event happens, today i’m making an exception. as you know my first cousin mandy had passed away a week ago. she had suffered from kidney failure for decades and was getting treatment so that she could recieve a transplant and she developed cardiac arrest and died. for many years she had resisted doing a transplant and was just fine with doing dialysis until her young daughter convinced her to go for it.

like i said already there is some drama – with things like there are – but i’m trying to write this without drama. in the grand scheme of things the drama is so minor and petty, however, that is not the post i want to write.

it was sad to me to see mandy’s remains in an urn and next to her remains is a poster of her image on an easel. we had missed most of the memorial service as well my mother got lost on the way – she somehow passed up the point where we needed to go on the expressway. and then she decided to change routes again instead of going the way we know and we got further and further away from where we needed to be.

eventually we arrived at the funeral home in indiana and we saw mandy’s mother – my aunt – in a pose of sorts. she was of course grieving but my mother noted that she had just spoke at the service. not a lot of people there are the service other than her boyfriend, my other first cousin tasha and her hubby, her oldest son, another one of my aunts. everyone else i had no idea who they were.

when i finally sat down after using the jon a wannabe reverend was speaking. he was winging his remarks hard. a lot of you knows and this that or another. no coherent message to be remembered here, he just stumbled his way through his message. sorry to say was not impressed, but it is what it is.

her young daughter who was ready to donate her kidney organized the service and of course the drama somewhat involves money – there will be no elaboration because no drama for this. also i’m sure the family grandchildren and my aunt held up well for the moment even if one wanted to be more involved than they other.

as usual i avoided hugs or any deep conversation at least. and in some respects people wanted to speak and i barely say a word. i tried not to get too involved with it, but at the same time i saw this as a very sad day my first cousin mandy reduced to ashes in an urn. i knew this, but wasn’t entirely ready for it.



life cycle

well this post was prompted by news that my first cousin – mandy – wasn’t doing very well. she was waiting for a kidney transplant – she’s had kidney failure for years and always resisted getting a transplant – and she had a serious cardiac arrest while going for a treatment. then i heard over the course of a week she remained on life support.

now i feel quite sh*tty, i don’t really remember the last time i saw her it has been a few years. we weren’t close, however, i knew mandy mostly while she remained with her mother. her mother whom i discussed briefly here has a bit of a controlling streak which as my cuz got older wanted to get away from.

she would try at least in the years she had been apart from her mother – they weren’t estranged as i knew it, but she wanted to go – to be touchy feely with me. unfortunately i’m rarely cooperative with that. me and her had no real issues though i knew that she could have a very bad temper which could come out unpredictably.

all the same i couldn’t describe our relationship as warm. alas she had a health condition that for many years i may have erroneously blamed on her own mother because she wasn’t the relaxing type. i could say she had the same tendencies as anthony who on occasion came in at the right time, but sometimes will just go rogue  and can never predict what they’ll do next.

which brings to mind, while writing this post i evoked the memory of my dad. my cousin had some serious kidney issues that required dialysis. my dad on the other hand just couldn’t quite settle his alcoholism and even worse had severe high blood pressure he needed to treat. unfortunately my dad chose alcohol instead of really treating his high blood pressure. the comparison is that my dad could’ve controlled his condition on the other hand my cousin had controlled her condition and lasted quite a while.

unfortunately after a week on life support mandy passed away. so as far as i know she’s the first cousin of my generation from my mother’s side to die. quite a blow i’ll say. it’s hard to believe that after living with her condition for no more than two decades and on her way to a kidney transplant she’s gone.

i won’t write anymore about the potential drama that could involve my aunt. as for the brief write-up about her a few years ago, she was involved with drama then. this time imagine the drama when her only child dies before she does. very sad…

btw, i wanted to really talk about the life cycle. the life cycle is really something. now i don’t remember what else i would’ve written after that. i just know that i’d have talked about some of the deaths in my relatively large family. regardless i wish you all good health for as long as we have it.

happy father’s day

you know on this day i have to mark this year as 20 years since my dad passed away. actually he had passed away in march of 1997 as a result of a stroke. severe high blood pressure took him out of this existence.

the last night he left home no one had any idea he wasn’t coming back. he worked the night shift for the public schools and it was surely a lonely job. hell i spent the night with him at work once. doing rounds in an often big empty building is surely very lonely.

at the same time he chose the job, not much different than how i chose some of my jobs. they hired you and nothing much going on so go ahead and take it so that money can be earned. however on this fateful night it turned out to be a bad thing.

why is because he’s working in a big building and was found on the floor. probably was making his rounds and collapsed, whenever that incident happened there was no one around to help him. whoever came to the school in the morning had to find him.

now this may have nothing to do with my virginity however i had a basic understanding of relationships thanks to my parents. my dad as described was often an angry man and at times took it out on his family. sometimes he wasn’t drunk when he did it.

so either way he didn’t really get along that well with my mother – yet she wouldn’t leave him fearing he couldn’t handle that. my dad ballooned in weight the years i knew him in part due to his alcoholism and appetite. if anything my dad was unappealing increasingly to my mother. something even he noted himself in a drunken rage one night.

unfortunately he seemed unwilling to really deal with it. attempting to quit drinking cold turkey didn’t seem to work for him. he already had issues with high blood pressure and had a ­­­Rx for it. sadly i’m of the understanding that if it was a choice between medicine and alcohol he’d often choose alcohol.

the appetite part came in this way. for example my mother noted that when they were out driving my mother suggested they stop somewhere to eat. my dad might  stop to eat but barely touch his food or he’d just say he’s not hungry. either way later on he gets his nip….

this was a man who needed help and wasn’t seeking it. if nothing else he had the benefits for it or perhaps the connections but i know nothing about whether or not he sought help for his addiction and his emotional issues. all i know today is that he never got the help he needed and he’s no longer with us.

to be honest i wanted to write this post since march which is the month he passed. never found the time or inclination. so apologies if this is just simply a downer father’s day post for you all.


found out recently that my aunt passed away. her mind was gone when she went so thus i heard she wasn’t really about to eat. her body and her brain just didn’t allow her to eat or swallow so as a result she faded away until her ultimate demise.

i probably will not go to her funeral. i don’t like funerals it reminds me of the inevitable as much as i want to believe in life after death. death is not something i want to think about.

she lived a long life she was a bus driver for many years, had five children, and was there for us when her brother my father passed away. his demise was early due to the many choices he made in his life – ie alcoholism. my aunt’s demise was caused by her body, was there much she can do about her body taking her mind away from her.

incidentally there is another funeral in the family an in-law passed away. no one not even my mother can say for sure, however, it seems he had been sick for a while. at that he seemed like a big guy the one time i actually recall seeing him.

in fact, this in-law was actually divorced from yet another aunt on my father’s side. so unlike some of the in-laws on both sides i grew to know over the years i have little clue about him. so most of my opinions aren’t entirely favorable or to be fair i really don’t have much of an idea about him as a man.

so i have a few sad days coming up.