Back to the modern day for the moment

As I write this my mother is at home after an almost week stay in the hospital. She had an episode right in front of me where she “passed out”. As far as I’m concerned she was still conscious, however, as she tried to get into her car for her regular appointment I noticed that her head wasn’t steady and then she fell. Had a gash on her head for her trouble which was stapled by the E.R. and spend one night in the hospital.

Fast forward to when she returned to the E.R. to get the staples out and a few days after that she gets a call from the hospital. They gave her a heart monitor due to her episodes with “passing out”. They found something that likely occurred while she was asleep and told her to come to the E.R. as soon as possible and that turned into seven days. Seven days I was home alone taking the car to work as I had been for a while a lot of my schedule lately were early mornings. Most of the days she had been away I was working and my next off day was when I could take her home from the hospital.

Aside from talking about work or even my “situationship” what have I often discussed – financial independence. This episode causes me to further work to get my affairs in order and who knows when the inevitable will happen. I want her to see me get my affairs in order before she goes. Sadly dad isn’t here to see how my life turned out and while my mother was in the hospital she noted his recent birthday.

This is one reason why I have been saving the money I have been. I was asking questions about paying property taxes here in Chicago they’re due twice a year and the county won’t allow you to pay in advance. In fact my mother was upset that she just let the deadline to pay the property taxes slip by and I was able to share a link to paying those bills online so she got them done. At least the house is paid for and my mother isn’t prone to putting a home equity loan just to have some extra cash thankfully.

Right now the house isn’t so lonely, however, I need to stop being so hesitant or cautious as far as moving forward with my life. I think I’ve stuck around at home long enough. I can still help her when I can and she does have another son who lives with his own family halfway across America who has the “perfect life”.

I’m just sorry that these ongoing health issues and even the loss of her job at a neighborhood bank earlier that year had somewhat derailed the plans that I started to lay once I left The Show. It’s not her fault it’s just the situation and of course I’ve ran into some other setbacks as well in addition to the more pressing setbacks.

Perhaps I’m coming off as selfish but I recognize how I hadn’t really progressed the way I would’ve liked to. Perhaps I should’ve been in my own place or certainly have been able to secure a much better job by now. The issue now is to just get started.

Also I dreamed about my dad one night. Probably as a result of a convo I had with my mother the night before. Over the summer an uncle – one of my dad’s brothers – had passed away. I saw an unrecognizable name amongst the brothers and sisters and she talked about how dad actually talked to this then unknown to me half-brother and also got a cousin from his mother’s side of his family tree to come to our home to visit. One good thing about dad was that he was willing to talk with his mother’s side of the family.

In any case the dream was that my dad was driving mom’s current car. Part of me wanted to ask him how was it driving the car. One weird thing about my dad is that he really didn’t want my mom to own a car, he wanted to be the only one with a vehicle. Anyway to even think of asking a question is just recognizing that he had been away for a while. I seem to have a tendency to dream about him as if the events of over 20 years ago never happened.

Another strange thing about these dreams is that with him around I’m still at home. On the ride with my dad I was sitting in the back seat with mom riding shotgun. I have been convinced that if he was still around more than likely I wouldn’t still be at home. Perhaps I’d be in the military as it’s very likely he’d have been an influence in that decision.

Regardless I was in teenager mode in the dream which was certainly the last time he had seen me when he was living. Sometimes I like having those types of dreams.

Before the outbreak

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Actually I was supposed to go to an interview back at the dine-in Show – operated by the national theater chain – where I had worked for roughly 8 months during 2015-16. My last interview there was after being let go from the Hole and months before the actual end of the Reign of Error. That interview didn’t go well and it seemed based on the people who I still knew up there it was very likely I wasn’t coming back at that time.

Regardless, this time around before the quarantines, the order to serve only take-out foods with no dine-in, and before the stay-at-home orders I had the opportunity to interview to be a porter at the dine-in Show. Basically I would transport food orders to moviegoers in their respective auditoriums. I’d be eligible for tips and it’s something I have some experience in due to my previous stint there.

I didn’t go, it was a workday and it didn’t really end until I punched-out for the day. Before these lockdowns and the dire predictions of the spread for this bug that’s going around right now this was a normal day. It wasn’t too uncommon for someone to come up at say 3 PM when I would’ve gotten off to walk-up and expect to be served. The person who’d take over for me wouldn’t come in before I clock off for the day.

So when it got that busy near the end of the day, I wasn’t entirely in good spirits and decided at that moment that I wasn’t going. In my favor they didn’t call me to schedule an interview this was basically an open interview. I was invited to an open interview via e-mail and people just had to show up and get interviewed. It’s basically like going to a job fair which Fresh Foods might have at their stores at certain intervals. The way I see it you never know what you would get with such a gimmick. Some of the people I work with now, were hired through such an event.

Either way I never saw this as a big loss if I just decided not to show up. Perhaps it might not look so great for me in the long run, however, this is a basic entry-level job and I wasn’t interviewing for a mgmt position. They may not have such a great record of who came in and who didn’t, I was just on a list of people they invited to interview. Also the porter job wasn’t really the job I wanted if nothing else it enabled me to work elsewhere just as it was the case when I was in my honeymoon period at the Hole four years ago.

So not long after this pandemic struck, a week had passed after the interview where the state government and federal governments start issuing their orders to stem this pandemic. I also found out while looking for jobs with the national theater chain that theaters are closed right now until this pandemic is over. Therefore they’re not doing any hiring currently.

If I had gone to this open interview when would I have started? Would my start date have been pushed back thanks to this bug? Even if I had started would I still have a job once it became clear that movie theaters around the country would be closed due to this bug?

Just think about it for a second if I had still been working at The Show and the dine-in Show I’d be out of work. It’s a good thing I work at a grocery store otherwise I’d be sitting at home making NO money. And it’s unclear if I would’ve returned to work at a theater especially if they just decided it wasn’t important for me to return.

To be fair, I’d rather be working but then it’s kind of cool to be sitting at home letting the world heal from this bug. It’s not something I can hardly afford at the moment, but then again if I’m serious about becoming a YouTuber perhaps one day I can afford to sit at home and wait out a major bug outbreak. It’ll have to remain a dream for now.

 

Dreams

I wrote about the idea of my dream earlier this year. As my birthday passed recently I’ve thought about it more and more. Even better I see that Tommy has finally realized his dream fairly recently, he wants to work on a farm and tend to some of his favorite animals.

Earlier this year I wrote that I’m just not sure what my dream is anymore. As always with life sometimes a dream can always evolve into something else. I dream of having my own family, my own home, paying off my out of control student loans, make six figures, go back to school to get a masters, running my own business, etc. I can have all those dreams and will have no idea where to start.

I thought about my childhood and the life I imagined back then. For example, I’ve hinted at this during my teenaged years the military had my interest. Having had some family in the military perhaps my goal was to move up the highest ranks of the military. Better yet, I wanted to emulate my heroes from one of my favorite science fiction TV series of all time although yes we’re not fighting any alien species at all so far.

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Picard, the inspiration?

I find myself wondering lately how I got sidetracked from that. Well it didn’t help that during my high school years my dad had passed away suddenly. It’s been documented on this blog that he just couldn’t stop drinking. The addiction to alcohol caused my dad to neglect his health and as a result he passed away from a severe stroke.

At one point I just thought I’d be in the military. I get away from my dad’s anger (sometimes over things he could change but just wouldn’t and blamed others) and his alcohol. At one point in time the military just would’ve been my way to get away as it was unthinkable that I’d still be at home on guard for any temper tantrums while sober or worse while he was intoxicated. Then suddenly he died as his body couldn’t take his own abuse anymore.

I’m still trying to figure out how I got sidetracked, due to my fluke honor’s grades in high school my mother expected I’d do well in college. It was not only her expectation, but those on her side of the family. I find myself wondering if I made the wrong moves back then. Even talked to my mom later about this, we just didn’t really discuss plans. She just had her expectations and had been frustrated when I just wasn’t moving fast enough. In reality I had no clue, what was the point of this college thing? I just didn’t understand…

I wonder where I would be if I just started building after high school as I’ve really started building in my 30s. To truly grow was slow going to be sure and although I’m a year older the building hasn’t finished and I won’t stop growing. I just realize at my own free will and with the information and knowledge I had at 18-19-20 I made the move that felt right at the time. I just wish I had been more money hungry back then as opposed to getting older and getting serious.

If yours truly had joined the service back then it just would’ve been a regular job and I’d be working as long as I don’t break any rules or regulations. The benefits would’ve been great and I’d take advantage of G.I. benefits to go to school if I so chose. It could’ve waited, if I wanted to go to Mission College it would’ve been there for me when it was that time.

These days I know one vague dream I have today, what if I ran something. It’s a recurring theme to talk about going into mgmt or take on a more serious role. Perhaps even start my own business. Definitely considering the degree I attained 10 years ago to make an impact on the world. Right now I’m not sure where to begin, but as long as I’m in good health that’s going to be an ongoing objective.

Dream: Retire early?

I’m sorry I missed this from CBS’ Sunday Morning over the summer. Chronicling that there are plenty of folks who are working stiff that want to quit their jobs or retire early.

The story you see above shows a got working a hot shot job with my dream salary six-figures and he was still miserable. Once he went through orientation and learned some of the people leading it was only phoning it in until retirement. He just knew that no one there was really passionate about their job at that particular company. He went from that six-figure job to working in journalism at a magazine.

Then we see a doctor who’s happiest moment was turning in her pager so that she could pursue her passion as an artist. Perhaps she wasn’t as happy as a doctor even though certainly that is a prestige profession to be sure.

It causes me to rethink some things. I’ve often stated my goal is to make six-figures now I wonder if I should get myself into a position where I can retire early. And also perhaps I should have really been down (nor allow anyone else to be down) on myself for having to leave a “prestige” business which was banking to work at a grocery store. And then go back to the cinemas business for a brief time thereafter.

I know I’ve talked a lot about my goals at least does anyone out there desire an early retirement?

Dream

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I’ve been talking about promotions, making six-figures, and jobs I’m interested in perhaps yours truly has lost sight of what’s his dream. Since graduating from Mission College years ago, I’m still trying to figure out my dream. The opportunities to realize my dream will begin to dwindle.

I remember the year before I graduatedp my uncle stopped me near the end of yet another family reunion and he asked me point blank “What is taking you so long?” Of course this is the moment where he’s giving me some tough love although he made a few mistakes in doing so going after rather irrelevant observations. He was ready to dismiss what I’m currently trying to do at that point because in his words “you’re losing”.

It was taking me a minute to finish college and I will admit my share of mistakes during that time and even lost focus a few times but I was regaining focus to move on. His toughness, when I think about it now didn’t really add anything. After his pledge to “stay on my @$$” I never really heard from him again  – even after getting my direct cell phone number – aside from an e-mail of congrats stating “You’re going to need us pretty soon”. Suggesting I need the family’s charity which I never asked for to be honest.

Aside from that the reason I chose my major at Mission was because I had a dream career in mind. The problem is that well I had no real idea how to achieve it. I never really approached my professors about potential opportunities which was a huge mistake now. I never really approached the career counselors at least for liberal arts majors. I tried to do just about everything on my own, and had a hard time because where does one start when they do it on their own. For me, it was truly a daunting task however the reason I was at Mission College was for the prestige nothing should be daunting for a future “Mission Man”.

Regardless what’s my dream right now? Well when I finally graduated I was depressed by one thing, I had very little work history meaning not much experience with flipping burgers or frying chicken (and I had no desire to). Yeah I got a few shifts in at different periods working at college bookstores or even took part in a research project as part of my major at Mission. Otherwise all I knew to do was just stuff you expect college students do to studying for tests, do research papers, etc.

Once it was time to get out there and find a job all I had was a very prestigious and expensive piece of paper a liberal arts degree. And that piece of paper I had to learn carried no guarantees of gainful employment. I had to prove myself before getting the job and had nothing to present. I was woefully unprepared…

I may have expressed frustration over my time at The Show it was OK that worked there for close to five years. It’s also OK that I have my current job at Fresh Foods, perhaps both are “beneath me” at the same time I’ve finally learned something valuable. One lead to the other and hopefully will allow me to eventually find my dream job. All I can to is continue learning as I go, but I need not wing it as I had college.

Since starting my working life one goal that I had was to for lack of a better term “run something”. I wanted to be a manager at The Show, however, it never happened for me and I suspect I made a few key mistakes with them there. Perhaps nothing I did would allow it to happen for me during that period. I’m glad that based upon how I would’ve gotten compensated and the mgmt team up there that it never happened. I still have a what if in my mind about being a theater manager, but for me to do that it was time to seek out other opportunities. I just wasn’t going to adequately grow there.

Perhaps I can truly grow at a grocery store. Move up in the ranks (I did interview to become an associate buyer earlier this year) and perhaps even go corporate since I do have a college degree :P. However who says I got to make my career in either movie theaters/entertainment or grocery/retail?

Perhaps eventually my long term dream job is to work for myself. Scariest part with this is, how does yours truly finally achieve that dream? What ways can I truly make an impact in the world as a Mission alum is expected to make one? All I have to do is make a move no matter where I am now.

 

dreaming

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recently i bought some vitamin b6 in addition to some apple juice which also contains vitamin b6. b6 is something that induces lucid dreaming. and the effects are somewhat mixed.

to start i had a recent dream last night and i was losing my teeth. of course i didn’t seem to realize i was in a dream. my two front teeth fell out and were basically similar to some small dominoes recently. then one of the canines fell out of my mouth. so i was toothless and concerned quickly….

then i woke up and realized well i have a bridge where all those teeth are at now. barring some weird catastrophe in that part of my mouth nothing is likely to fall out. my dream allowed me to remember life before getting this work done on my mouth almost two years ago. that is having two loose front teeth at the top of my mouth.

it’s one thing that i once had that i don’t miss at all.