happy father’s day

you know on this day i have to mark this year as 20 years since my dad passed away. actually he had passed away in march of 1997 as a result of a stroke. severe high blood pressure took him out of this existence.

the last night he left home no one had any idea he wasn’t coming back. he worked the night shift for the public schools and it was surely a lonely job. hell i spent the night with him at work once. doing rounds in an often big empty building is surely very lonely.

at the same time he chose the job, not much different than how i chose some of my jobs. they hired you and nothing much going on so go ahead and take it so that money can be earned. however on this fateful night it turned out to be a bad thing.

why is because he’s working in a big building and was found on the floor. probably was making his rounds and collapsed, whenever that incident happened there was no one around to help him. whoever came to the school in the morning had to find him.

now this may have nothing to do with my virginity however i had a basic understanding of relationships thanks to my parents. my dad as described was often an angry man and at times took it out on his family. sometimes he wasn’t drunk when he did it.

so either way he didn’t really get along that well with my mother – yet she wouldn’t leave him fearing he couldn’t handle that. my dad ballooned in weight the years i knew him in part due to his alcoholism and appetite. if anything my dad was unappealing increasingly to my mother. something even he noted himself in a drunken rage one night.

unfortunately he seemed unwilling to really deal with it. attempting to quit drinking cold turkey didn’t seem to work for him. he already had issues with high blood pressure and had a ­­­Rx for it. sadly i’m of the understanding that if it was a choice between medicine and alcohol he’d often choose alcohol.

the appetite part came in this way. for example my mother noted that when they were out driving my mother suggested they stop somewhere to eat. my dad might  stop to eat but barely touch his food or he’d just say he’s not hungry. either way later on he gets his nip….

this was a man who needed help and wasn’t seeking it. if nothing else he had the benefits for it or perhaps the connections but i know nothing about whether or not he sought help for his addiction and his emotional issues. all i know today is that he never got the help he needed and he’s no longer with us.

to be honest i wanted to write this post since march which is the month he passed. never found the time or inclination. so apologies if this is just simply a downer father’s day post for you all.

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money

issue-header-social-securitywith this post i’m setting up for a series of past stories. as happens on this blog while i talk about my life and times as an older virgin still trying to figure out how to connect with available women – so that one day i may marry and have a family – i still discuss other subjects. what this means is yes i have to talk about the extreme past such as a teenaged jack v or a twentish jack v.

today i’ll talk about teenaged jack v who lost his father before he left high school. i’ve already told the story of my dad, he had been an alcoholic for most of the time i knew him and his health problems mounted to where he had a stroke. he suffered through high blood pressure and a vessel busted in his brain. it wasn’t long before he passed away.

not long after his death my mother signed up for social security benefits. we got survivor’s benefits in my case the benefits only lasted until at least the summer after i graduated high school. i got plenty of cash every month and by the end of that summer my new savings account had a little over $5k.

of course it could’ve been more but my mother took some of those funds probably because i hadn’t yet turned 18. the month after my birthday i got a huge $1k check and my mother had me sign up for a savings account. when i got a check from uncle same i would deposit in into my account every month.

the only mistake i made back then was that i never added to this money. i never worked before i entered my 20s so as i continued to withdraw funds the resources were depleting. interestingly i made more in interest then than i do now. i have more savings now than i had back then, but the interest earnings is nowhere near $20 as it had been at one point back then.

sometimes the money was spent for my time in community college. of course i still had to eat and then get around the city back then. then i spent it on other things. by the time i finally moved on beyond chicago and my local community college, it was time to transfer to the liberal arts college. when i moved on i was starting to run out of that money.

when i start this new series the consequences of that will be seen.

father’s day

fathers-day

often at work – whether at “the show” in the past or at the store – i would get subjected to happy father’s day. remember i’m a “mid-30s virgin” which means i’ve never sired any children. wishing me a happy father’s day is a bit of a mis-nomer.

with that being said i had a father – who i have written about here – who passed away years ago. his death unfortunately was due to his alcoholism and his unwillingness or perhaps inability to beat his addiction. the alcohol damaged his body in more ways than one.

i have many pictures of him at home. a picture of him as a young man. a picture of him during the 1970s. and pictures of him during most of the time i knew him. he was a skinny young man and gradually became an overweight to obese middle aged man.

i wrote of his emotional issues. he had been an angry man for most of the time i knew him. he could be ok but something would happen and he’s often in a bad mood. sometimes having a nip of seagram’s gin would make it much worse.

at work today i’ve told some people after being asked about father’s day plans that my dad’s dead so no activities other than not drinking – which isn’t that unusual anyway. the thing i did to mark this day was show a picture of myself and my dad during different times on my fb page.

as much as i do look forward to one day being a daddy i realize that if i have the issues my dad had this may not be the best thing for me. i’ve learned one lesson from my day to avoid alcohol. i’m still trying to learn more lessons from him…

life

found out recently that my aunt passed away. her mind was gone when she went so thus i heard she wasn’t really about to eat. her body and her brain just didn’t allow her to eat or swallow so as a result she faded away until her ultimate demise.

i probably will not go to her funeral. i don’t like funerals it reminds me of the inevitable as much as i want to believe in life after death. death is not something i want to think about.

she lived a long life she was a bus driver for many years, had five children, and was there for us when her brother my father passed away. his demise was early due to the many choices he made in his life – ie alcoholism. my aunt’s demise was caused by her body, was there much she can do about her body taking her mind away from her.

incidentally there is another funeral in the family an in-law passed away. no one not even my mother can say for sure, however, it seems he had been sick for a while. at that he seemed like a big guy the one time i actually recall seeing him.

in fact, this in-law was actually divorced from yet another aunt on my father’s side. so unlike some of the in-laws on both sides i grew to know over the years i have little clue about him. so most of my opinions aren’t entirely favorable or to be fair i really don’t have much of an idea about him as a man.

so i have a few sad days coming up.

why i abstain from alcohol

f2e32-keep-calm-and-abstaina post from another blog talked about their father. in my case, one reason for me basically abstaining from alcohol was my father. as far as dating and women my dad wasn’t very reliable and that may somewhat explain my lack of success with women so far. most guys learn this from the men in their lives, but i hadn’t had any reliable role models and apparently was not entirely willing to learn on my own.

my dad was an alcoholic and couldn’t stop. there were times he’d stop cold turkey, but there would be a setback and the next thing me and my folks know he’s right back to his regular drinking. who knows what happened as far as a set back, perhaps something came forward in his psyche.

i’ve also learned over the years that my dad was intensely jealous. in fact one time Natalie came by with her soon to be husband and my dad intoxicated fell into some odd jealous rage saying my mother liked younger men. hey dad, my mother just played host to her niece and her then boyfriend….

unfortunately the alcohol claimed his life. my dad ballooned in weight over the years due to his appetite which really grew when he drinks. on top of that he began to develop serious high blood pressure which resulted in a stroke that left him on a respirator for three days and he never recovered before we pulled the plug on him.

i learned at the time of his death that high blood pressure runs in the family his mother died in her 40s as my dad had. not sure if she also had a drinking problem but her early demise surely had an impact on him.

probably one reason my dad ultimately had his issues with my mother and alcoholism was that his parents split when he was a boy. that’s likely why he often feared my mother would up and leave him. he’d have this intense and irrational anger about whatever she did or in the story i just told about who she hosted at home.

another thing i consider as far as my parent’s relationship. they were grossly incompatible as time went on. my mother had goals for her life as she went to night school to earn her degree from a local university. my dad often struggled to even complete a GED something he never accomplished before his early demise.

i just realized that he had completed a certification in auto mechanics. it was something he never seemed to use unfortunately, but he did complete something. unfortunately he never finished the one thing he failed to have done when he was younger was his high school diploma.

my dad had overtime expressed keen interest in returning to his southern hometown. my mother however had decided she’d grown beyond those roots and had little desire to do so.

they began as high school sweethearts and married young. probably stories of a lot of married or divorced people. most of those relationships work out and most don’t. but my feeling was that with my parents their relationship didn’t work as there was such a big gulf between personalities.

another thing to consider is that my mother decided to counteract my dad’s anger and argumentative streak by shutting down. i mean how can you argue with yourself? she had a much calmer demeanor than he did and she would say it helped her out more than it did him.

he needed help for his emotional and addiction issues and sadly it was something that wasn’t meant to be. if he had been more willing to seek help and ultimately quit drinking i’d like to think he’d be a senior citizen and wondering why i haven’t found her yet. and even then perhaps i’d be further along in my life than i have been so far.

besides sometimes i wonder if he had been still around i’d have done some of the things i had wanted to do before he passed away suddenly.