You make the call revisited

I wanted to touch upon this for a while since 10 years ago was when not only yours truly first ran into Anthony the Fiend. I also ran into this young woman named Candace. You may have seen a post about this, but it has occurred to me that both of their approaches were similar.

Both came out of nowhere. Candace was more flirty in her “first” approach stating repeatedly that “You know you heard me talking to you“. She was being playful at work after I never really acknowledged her greeting on one summer afternoon in an air conditioned cinema. To be honest it was just an irritating thing to be faced with as this came out of nowhere.

Oh yeah I forgot to note the initial episode I wrote during the first year of this blog “You make the call”. It underscores her relentlessness during that summer although as it turned out back then she gave up. She lasted only that particular summer in 2011. She gained some privileges along the way and for my unwillingness to just give her the attention she desired evidently she found ways to make me pay for it later down the line.

The more I ignored her advances the more she may have turned on me. I was just very unwilling to communicate my annoyance with her behavior. Her behavior wasn’t conducive to her desired effect whatever that was and it clearly wasn’t to see me just walk away with no response. To be fair, perhaps I was rude and cold to her and wrong for me to expect her to read my mind. Who knows if she’d respect the the knowledge that her approach just wasn’t working.

I surmise that many of the younger generation of women are a bit more bold and assertive in their desires. Many of them don’t understand that you can’t just treat men the way the women in their lives – presumably momma – treated men. You can’t go out of your way to bicker with them and/or perhaps you can’t just go around chasing them down as I felt Candice had in my case.

Oh yeah I forgot about the comparison of approaches. While Candice wanted to start off as playful and flirty to a guy who basically just met her and vaguely knows anything about her. The Fiend was certainly aggressive and assertive in his approach, even outspoken once he learned of where I went to college and my plans beyond the theater. Just remember the episode where I’m taking him home he clearly overstepped some boundaries to the point where I really should’ve left him on the expressway.

Of course since I never exactly learned Candace’s motives, I eventually determined the Fiend’s. To start he was clearly looking for someone he can mooch off of and as Candice had been that summer, he was certainly relentless looking for any means to connect with yours truly. If he found out I liked porn, he’d approach me on it shockingly letting me know who his favorite x-rated performers were. He wanted to connect as she had tried and in the long run the Fiend had far more success until he left The Show two years later.

What I can say about Candice is that on the surface she was a very beautiful woman who at the time was 19-20 years of age. She had a nice shape, nice long hair that she often pulled back into a ponytail, and personality wise she was very friendly or even approachable. She expressed her anger towards me on occasion as one afternoon at work she tried to speak and I ignored her. She snapped back at me in front of customers just trying to get a response which she got a very tense response and she tried to repeat her greeting. I respond with a quiet “Oh” and that was the extent of our interaction on that day.

I find myself wondering how much different my story would’ve been if I had been more friendly and approachable to Candice. Would Anthony have still interfered – and chances are he would if he could get away with it. Perhaps I would’ve never offered a ride to the Fiend, perhaps Candice would be getting rides instead. Perhaps Candace was also less than honest about her intentions like the Fiend.

Because of who Candace was associated with sometimes I wonder about that. Allegedly a manager called out for her when she no call no show. She seemed to be in with a certain crowd that included my one-off foe. Regardless as it turned out her time at The Show proved to be very brief and she got her privileges while there.

I did note that I saw her the next year – 2012. I don’t believe this to be apocryphal. She was on the train headed further north. I saw some key things from her like a tote bag she always liked to carry, she had long fingernails, I was pretty sure it was her. When we make eye contact she would often just break the gaze. Perhaps she just simply had enough of me and besides I had my chance and wouldn’t take it. So far that was the last time I had seen her.

I hope you read the original You make the call post

Honesty Box feet nsfw

I’m sharing this because this particular young lady is no longer with us, she died sometime last year. I had wanted to admit this to her although we weren’t exactly corresponding on a regular basis other than a happy birthday here and there. When you think about it now she seemed quite cool about a guy liking her feet.

If I had went for it although it was years after the fact I can only wonder now. And even then if I had tried years ago then this would be a long distance relationship. Hell I even suggested in the honesty box of all places that I’d like to go with her to the interesting places she liked to go out.

My activities in honesty box assuming she realized they were all from the same man – yours truly – she admitted that “I’m really flattered, but this is both unorthodox and cowardly”. Yeah, it was.

Anyway here is an example of an exchange from years ago back when honesty box was a thing. And may this beautiful and pleasant young woman rest in peace.

This young woman seemed to be like whatever. I got away with talking about her feet. If I had just come out would it only have meant trouble for me. Pic below may not be safe for work because someone could be uncomfortable with the display of feet

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you said,
if i may be nasty for a sec i just got to admit that i want to press my mouth on that nice foot of yours :/

they said,
My feet! Really? Whatever floats your boat.

you said,
sorry i’m attracted to feet. and your present pic well that looks so tender. lol

they said,
I take care of my feet. For that same reason.

you said,
i’m starting to feel like i’m cybering with you. it’s starting to go down that path. lol

they said,
I am not even sure what “cybering” means. Your level of comfort my increase if you tell me who you are.

you said,
do you care about my level of comfort? lol

you said,
ok more serious question comfort about what? or just in general.

they said,
Its just in general.I always want people to be comfortable and express themselves honestly. Even though the honest box is suppose to encourage honesty. It doesn’t were are talking but nothing is being said. But its not that serious and you don’t have to do anything that you aren’t comfortable doing.

And you know she was probably right. Am glad that she realized everyone didn’t have the same comfort level. However, what if I had been more straight up.

We’ll never know.

Smiles

women s white and black button up collared shirt

I realize that many people smile to signify someone who is approachable or personable. We often like to see people smile or indeed in many photographs these days the expectation from the photography is for the people who have their pics taken are smiling. A smiler is inviting and even better viewed positively as opposed to someone who can’t help but frown.

Well I say this to say, I’ve seen a number of women over the years from my youth and onward smile at me. Often I didn’t know what to do beyond look or smile back. What vexes me is could the smile be an invitation i.e. come over here and talk to me. And on more than a few occasions I’ve learned how to take a simple friendly gesture (smiling for example) into a different territory than what was intended by the gesturer.

Which informs on what’s been going on the job for a bit. Charlene in the other dept we make eye contact she smiles and sometimes I smile. I view her as something of a bubbly, giggly, friendly young lady. I would dare say I think she’s beautiful and as I introduced her definitely someone who’s dateable.

Since we basically work for the same company but in different depts though in close proximity I have to remember that in situations like this where you’re interested in someone you’d have to be very careful. So I could take her smiling as a signal of interest or just a signal of being friendly to a colleague. So in this context her smiling as beautiful as it is even with a nose piercing shouldn’t be taken as anything more than just a friendly gesture of recognition.

Like I said I’ve mistaken many gestures from women before and often fell on my face. Especially with women I’m interested in and as it turns out those women aren’t interested (or I somehow turned them off). My goal now is to view women, especially attractive women like Charlene as friends. Say even if I work with them, I have to at least turn the key from merely colleague to friend.

Even with people I work with male or female it takes an opener, however, it’s often a difficult task. How does one turn that key with a coworker? Of course I realize in my case these are just work friendships, will there be opportunities to hang out?

Which I must add, Gerry was in my new store recently. She was the nearby supervisor in a nearby dept at “The Hole” until she left not long before what happened with me. I never would’ve thought she’d find her way back and while I did ask her if she coming back she never gave an answer before the mgrs in that dept interrupted us. I later saw her having a sit down in a public area with dept mgmt and a store mgr. I smiled upon seeing her and only noticed her in passing. And I also know she has a boyfriend…

Anyway being friends with coworkers to the point of hanging out well, work in progress. Especially with the attractive women I see at work.

Pondering…

man and woman eating ice creams

At the new job there had been women I have been paying attention to. In my case, it just means I could be looking at them with longing. I like looking at attractive women and imagining how I could shoot my shot with them. Of course the possibility is still they may look at me and discern some details and decide “there is no there, there”.

As with my former job at “The Hole” the new store has folks in the neighboring dept who are attactive kind of like Mary if you remember her. Of course for the most part no one with those “crazy vibes” however some of the women who work in that dept has my attention and they may even somewhat know me.

The cutest one who has my attention we’ll call here Charlene over the summer likes to come in an pair of Birkenstocks and then change over to her work shoes. She very shapely and one thing about her makes me somewhat unsure, she has a piercing on her face. Not a disqualification, but it might give me pause. Regardless she’s a beautiful woman and hell yes I’d like her hanging off my arm.

One of her coworkers I could describe as Irish, we’ll call her Gabby who is generally a curvaceous woman. She would refer to herself as a “fatass”, however, I don’t view her that way. She just has some junk in the trunk and she seems to carry it well. Also very nice, but not as attractive as Charlene. Still I could imagine myself dating her.

Another one still was often in the background and the first to go by the time the rest of the store gets going in the morning. I never really talked to her she seemed very introverted and if my gaze meets her I often don’t get friendly vibes. She eventually left the store to go to another “Fresh Foods” store so at this point I’ll never know if I could “shoot my shot”. To describe her physically she seems like a tomboy she wasn’t like Charlene or Gabby as far as attractiveness. Somehow she caught my eye and then I though what if I tried it with her.

In my dept, there aren’t many young women I could try anything with. We acquired some college aged associates over the summer and one of them I worked with at “The Hole” two summers ago. Let’s call this young woman Val, and two summers ago her schedule seemed inconsistent as it seemed one week she was off the schedule the next week she was back. It’s like she quit for a moment and then turned around and she’s back on the schedule. I didn’t get it, but then again at the time she was seasonal so unless she wanted to stay there was a possibility that once August or September rolled around she’d be out!

Anyway this summer she seemed to have some very late days. When the night shift normally starts at about 3 PM she might start at 5 PM. And on weekends she might be able to come in at 11 AM. Either way Val remembered me from “The Hole” and in talking I found out that when she giggles she “snorked”, if there was an attraction that took it away real quick. Otherwise I would say she was very young, tall with curves in the right places. Though with youth had the tendency to be volatile with other young coworkers. I found out later she quit out of the blue after almost three months, however, she came into our store letting us know belatedly that she had just left an interview. What can I say she’s young, she just quit a job and then started interviewing…

One more and she’s probably closer to me in age than most of the ones I talked about here so far (I’m guessing she’s in her 30s to possibly early 40s). She doesn’t really speak to me, and like with that other background girl it’s something I’d probably have to initiate. She works in another dept of the store she’s nicely shaped bodywise (hopefully this means she works out). She has these nice grey eyes, and her eyes suggest excitability when they bug out. Those are the types I would stay away from as I could somehow sense they could be into drama, but somehow I want to know what’s going on there.

Of course there are others and most of them are young – yeah I want a young one, however, that’s a hard task the older I get. Most of them work the front end and since they’re young I’m not as sure of them. Then again this is probably the time to pursue them before they can quickly damn a man for being worthless. However once I go through the young women in the front end, this post would get much longer than necessary.

So what have I learned? This is somewhat related and something that I have always figured. I seemed to have issues with connecting with women I like (or better yet attraction). There are some women I’ve become friendly with and unfortunately the attraction from me isn’t there. However there have been a precious few that there could be attraction. What’s vexing to me has been if I can somewhat make friends with women it’s easier if there is little to no attraction. And I’ve yet to find a woman whom I could be friends and felt that attraction.

Remember “Hugs” from a few years ago? She’s one example and  what stopped yours truly from taking his shot  was knowledge that she has a boyfriend to whom she’s now married. What I like about her was that she was the nicest and sweetest woman I knew at that point. I would like to find women like her, the question is if I shoot my shot would my relationship with her work. Is there a way yours truly could screw it up to the point where she isn’t so sweet to me? I suppose there is always the possibility with any woman with whom I could cross that line!

Either way, I still feel as if the best way to meet that significant other is outside of work. It seems like playing with fire to express interest in a woman whom you work with even if she’s not directly in your dept. It’s better if you leave or she leaves the job and then its worth shooting your shot. Hmmm, there are definitely some shots I’d have taken with some of the women whom I no longer work with, especially if they aren’t attached.

On the other hand, after reading a post about online dating (which I’ve never enjoyed) I began to realize how it’s better to do it organically. Online dating or dating apps are not the end-all be-all when it comes to dating. I really got to figure out how to connect with women in the real world. Problem is, I have yet to come up with a strategy for that, and it’s definitely time to do so.

signals

let me start off by saying using a video of a railroad semaphore signal seems a bit counter-intuitive, but i assure you this video is relevant as far as this awkward subject. it’s all about whether or not someone is giving you the go-ahead signal. trains run the same way either you got to wait & let a train pass before proceeding or you got the all clear and the train can continue to move forward.

do you remember nicole? while barely mentioned on this blog or at least her story she featured in one story i wrote regarding my cousin natalie. my cousin took a greater interest in the story at the time than i wanted and simply shut down any attempt at a convo based upon this by offering nothing but silence. natalie who does like chatting kind of got the hint and left it & me alone…

as far as nicole, well it’s a cautionary tale with a variety of tactical errors. and to be fair it was a case of jumping a gun and the signs were in front of me that she was giving me a stop signal. with regards to if i was looking for signals from nicole, i wanted to see a proceed signal and sought to interpret and overthink them to the point where it was favorable. well it never happened and i hung around with her for far longer than i should have…

this was the biggest ouch of my life. i wanted to believe nicole was going to be my girlfriend and my belief proved to be wrong. as it turned out i made a mistake and as a result nicole probably still doesn’t want to speak to me to this day. it’s possible from my obsessive attempts i only served not to cultivate a relationship, but only cultivated avoidance. who knows if she’s ever moved from her negative feelings towards me, i know i still have my negative feelings about her.

a typical post where i talk about the women and describe them physically. this time i won’t, overtime i had to convince myself that although i thought nicole was attractive my view of her has changed and that includes her attractiveness. over the years i have thought her attitude when she wanted nothing to do with me made her very ugly to me. though these days i accept my role in how things simply went due south at the time.

having met her through my first room mate at “mission college” one mistake i had made was assuming her niceness/friendliness was a signal of interest. it was when i decided to express interest and the reasoning that she described it as a misunderstanding which wasn’t what i wanted to hear. these days i try to pay attention when a girl seems interested only to just pull back when i try to reciprocate. my goal is to try to avoid making assumptions in some cases i can be too cautious and a girl with a wandering eye can go with who’ll give her the attention.

another error was situational as i attempted to ascertain whether or not she was going to my campus to play pool i asked her if she was coming over. she was like you know maybe i don’t know we’ll see, then i felt dejected and walked away. someone touched my back & shoulders when i left. i was in a courtyard during a weekly student block party and there was a stairway into a yard with students standing around.

now i figure it was someone else who probably did the touching. probably steadying herself or perhaps himself coming down that hill and i was the only stable object nearby. problem is i wanted it to be nicole and made the mistake of asking her which began to cause other problems as it was an excuse to express interest. she couldn’t say whether she did or she didn’t and i never looked back when it happened so it’s possible she didn’t thus it wasn’t a proceed signal. unfortunately i didn’t want to believe that and held onto it for a long time until fairly recently.

another error was waiting for a signal of any sort and making assumptions based upon it. like one time i was singing to myself leaving “hillman” and nicole was horrified when she saw me. except i took that as a signal of interest because she had a horrified look on her face on that occasion. well now that it’s been interpreted by me as a proceed signal although almost a week before she gave me the signal i should’ve heeded – she wasn’t interested. regardless interpreting these signals as “interest” it caused me to further awkwardly make my presence known.

eventually it was all for naught and someone i didn’t know finally came around and told me to leave her alone. too bad this was before the iPhone and quality mobile photography. it got really scary and reality was it was entirely my fault because i failed to pay attention and heed her signals. i wanted proceed signals, but she actually sent stop signals.

for all that happened then i feel bad because if she knows my room mate whom we’re still somewhat in touch although only friends on fb at this point. he’s never said anything and when sh*t hit the fan i learned my lesson. he’s never mentioned anything about that whole episode with me even though i know there had been opportunity to do so.

nicole as a student at “hillman college” was a freshmen when i first met her as a transfer student. i was gone for a year and a half returned to establish relations which incidentally i had done so seeing her at “misson’s” recreational hall playing pool. when i greeted her and after we closed our convo, she greeted me with a flirtatious look but only after she indicated that there was someone who didn’t like her hanging out with men. i can safely consider this a mixed signal, though certainly for me i saw it as proceed when it should’ve been a stop because she wouldn’t give a clear answer as to whether or not she’s spoken for.

with this said since she was a year or so older at this point and certainly had a direction for her life being a junior when i returned to “mission” perhaps it was a bad time to approach her for dating. who’s to say she already had other things that stressed her out it could be her studies, other men, family life, etc. meanwhile i was just returning and although i was older probably did lack a direction. it’s possible whenever she saw me i lacked a direction and she could probably tell “there was no there, there”. i literally came in with not a whole lot to show for myself at least not at that point in time and that could include the idea of “no potential”.

so a few conclusions. i could relate this to what happened with candice years later. i missed candice’s signals because i chose not to pay them much attention. and she’d directly let me know it was a problem for her when i continued to blow off her signals. basically candice was looking for something with me and i for whatever reason chose to not heed her “go-ahead” signals. i’m a long way from saying this was a matter of caution – to avoid misinterpreting her signals – or just a matter of avoidance from a rambunctious young woman.

with nicole i was looking for her proceed signals and she got pissed because i wasn’t heeding them. the signals essentially was a no-go and i was again oblivious. even had some dear friends at college told me i should leave her alone and even that advice wasn’t enough for me to end my own semblance of a chase. and once again i wanted the signals i wanted which basically was, “come here big boy”. the actual signal was, “get lost big boy”.

candice – i can’t say what my problem was with her. perhaps it didn’t take long for me to realize there was nothing there from me with her. what i say later seems more like an excuse now, regardless at the time she insisted on my attention it seemed a little too much too soon at the time. i don’t know whether or not i can call this a missed opportunity or a dodged bullet.

nicole – only she knows why she wasn’t interested in me. perhaps i wasn’t showing that “mission-man mystique” which is believable. perhaps my awkward attempts to give her attention at one point was a little too much too soon also. could certainly be a botched opportunity or more accurately a non-starting opportunity. sometimes i wonder if this also had been a dodged bullet.

 

it’s candice’s turn…

img_1148-1in this post i’m going to discuss some remaining business and analysis regarding candice. you first read about her in a post titled “you make the call” and generally shows my response to her sudden interest in me one summer when we both worked at “the show”. it left me very uncomfortable in some respects and she was very determined to keep my attention until she stopped.

in later posts i referred to her as missy’s good buddy. missy was the one-off foe who spend the remaining time she had at the theater powering tripping because of her “connections”. with this in mind i now consider missy & candy (hey that rhymes) something of a one-two punch or good cop and bad cop – hint missy was the bad cop.

to illustrate this point one-time outside of a auditorium as a movie let out missy so incensed or out of control because i ignored her for most of my shift said one infamous thing to me and far more infamous than a threat – “if i’m a bitch, then i’m going to be a bitch”. candace was that probably not egging her on, though certainly not trying to calm situation down and besides i wouldn’t pay a whole lot of attention to her anyway during that time. regardless missy lost all control and as she lost it i strove to maintain my own. she wasn’t going to get me to say anything i didn’t want to and whatever i was going to say was going to get her going because she was already there.

now, candace was essentially laying down a welcome mat for reasons only she knew. when i tell this story to some of the young men i work with they don’t understand, the opportunity was presenting itself and you wouldn’t go for it – you BLEW it. it never got through that perhaps i had little interest in her and it was largely based on her young behaviors and certainly what i see as her aggression in trying to get my attention.

i have one theory as far as why everything happened and i’ve deduced it to one night that summer – before “the show” got particularly busy later that summer. the move in question on that evening was the purge and she – as far as i knew just arrived on the scene at that point. i walked up behind her, perhaps got a lil too close and told her to turn the radio down. unfortunately we didn’t have ear-pieces for the radios like most other businesses that uses walkie-talkie. we had to remember when we walk in a theater to turn them down while a movie is playing.

soooo i think at some point as the theater let out and we began cleaning we talked about the job and then forgot all about her. the girl in question somewhat matches my basic description of candice – a young girl (19 or 20), nice body, long real hair – that she probably put into a pony tail, and a nice face for sure. perhaps it set her interest signals off and in the meanwhile i just thought not much of this after that.

of course as stated in that long ago post she spoke to me as i rushed to the time clock having been running late and after blowing this off she walks up to me and blocks my path as i attempted to go around her. something really set off in her mind after simply not realizing or knowing that she was trying to speak to me and i didn’t speak back to her. basically this started a long summer trend where she tries to speak and i generally don’t respond. occasionally i’d just engage in sarcastic behavior finding it amusing to myself but not to her as she really wanted to talk to me and all i did was push her away.

one particular part of this story i noted was that a supervisor said hello to me as the theater was shutting down for the night and i spoke back. candice was behind concession and was upset that i spoke back to the supervisor – and this is because i mostly don’t just say hello back to her. she was seen just twisting and turning because of my general response to her wasn’t different than my response to the supervisor. in fact, the supervisor did ask, “why are you getting mad candice?”

one part of the revenge candice offered was one night when i had to close the floor at the theater. i left my walkie at the customer service desk thinking i didn’t need it anymore. minutes later candice who was off duty for the night came and found me and made sure i got that walkie back because another one of her buddies a supervisor decided that i needed a radio. as i complained she walked off without a word just back turned and probably satisfied with my response.

this other supervisor was a loud mouth and sometimes didn’t seem to have a steady mood with me from day to day or moment to moment. eventually after basically sh*tting on another associate at the theater she got herself fired. there is an official reason, but allegedly i can say she really got fired for treating someone badly.

one final moment not before mentioned. one day candice and two other young women were often seen huddled around auditoriums before the movie starts. everyone wasn’t supposed to be together like that. and one of those women were supposed to be doing rounds about the facility with me. and she didn’t like to do much work anyway – even if later she expressed interest in becoming a manager and it never happened.

either way this young woman asked if i was doing this, that or another and i simply said yes & no as i kept walking past the sisters. candice jumped on this immediately saying something undecipherable, and certainly it was about what i just said. another young lady who witnessed the whole convo – and whom i never said a whole lot to – simply chimed in with “he’s got a smart-ass mouth”. before i wrap up the storyline i’ll introduce you to her this particular one is called the “bullshark”.

otherwise after this candice and yours truly never had words cross paths with each other again and incidentally the next year i saw her on a train as i headed to the north side. i figured out who she was seeing some traits that reminded me of her and it certainly included a tote she often carried with her to work. if we made eye contact she’d immediately break it, but message clear that wasn’t the time to make a connection with her. she headed north and i got off at my stop.

now jack, why had you been responding to candice that way?

to be honest i kept doing what i was doing because it amused me. i never saw what i was doing as a rejection and it never occurred to me that candice would simply leave me alone. that being said her behavior was somewhat aggressive on some level especially the time she snapped at me behind concession as we both had customers to take care of – that was patently aggressive. otherwise her need to keep my attention was definitely aggressive and i wouldn’t respond to her.

as much as i characterize my response as a non-rejection it was certainly a reaction. remember i’m in my early thirties college graduate and working with young people who are still developing at a movie theater. here she comes matching me move for move repeating that “you know you heard me talking to you”. that behavior didn’t compute and any other times after that i just simply decided she was trying to hard and perhaps she did have an agenda. but then this agenda is really an unanswered question. was she really interested in me or did she really want to add to the gossip? btw, any gossip about me my goal was to remain blind and i tried not to care unless someone just mentioned it to me out of the blue.

now that i’ve grown a bit such then i did consider looking for candice on social media. the only social media i see her using is instagram and she had exhibited – because she’s young still – the need to show herself off. when you think about it most young women do like to show themselves off. i suppose the only question today is if she’d remember who i am and if she would ever connect with me on instagram. perhaps then i could attempt to explain some things as back then i had no willingess to explain some of my actions to her. besides my actions should speak louder than words even if they had been uncalled for.

all the same i’ve never really came up with a very satisfactory answer as to why i kept blowing off candice. to use the whole standing in my path thing was a bit of an excuse more than anything. to be sure it was irritating at the wrong time given my situation, but of course she may well have seen it differently. obviously there was a reason why she wanted my attention. and as stated once the more she continued the more sarcastic and oblivious i became.

one more tidbit here one time i was off of work and switch from my cap and uniform shirt and as i walked from locker room candice saw me and attempted to speak. she tried to compliment my hat but to whatever she said i basically kept saying “what?”. another coworker off to the side obviously saw this whole convo as awkward. candiace had to stop and say “i’m complimenting you” or “why are you being mean” or even at another point “i’m trying to talk to you because you seem like you need a friend”.

btw, in anger even missy said to me during her out of control moment outside of an auditorium, “you need a friend jack”. almost as if saying – and this was long before i ever started having real issues with colleagues at “the show” – that something was brewing and i had little idea.

all the same her reaction summed up her attempts to be friendly with me back then. i was being “yours truly” at the time, and she was essentially being pushed away for her troubles. as it happens for the most part when her attempts to reach out is rebuffed she often gave an exasperated expression before she just moved on. when i walk off with no word, exasperated. when i get sarcastic, exasperated. an odd cycle i established…

as far as ever finding a way to reach out, my only answer is that it’s probably not a good idea at this point. she’s likely moved on and forgotten about me probably found others who were more willing to give her the time of day. hell she actually did allegedly find someone who would give her the time of day while still at the show. and she had her supervisor call off for her when she failed to report to work on one occasion allegedly.

all the same it’s a lesson learned and perhaps i treated her quite unfairly. candice really wasn’t a problem, however, her approach of the time being a young woman just wasn’t appreciated. on top of that now I consider this a sign of my now growing frustration with my role at “the show” and candice was likely going to have a difficult time breaking through.

awkward

admittedly i seem to be the master of unrequited crushes. there have been a number of girls over the years with whom i’ve held great interest. there are a precious few still who know and may have an inkling. and i’m still a virgin…regardless i noted this with a coworker whom asked me a random question.

then a few days ago this convo i overhear between this coworker and a person in our neighboring department. this coworker noted that some guy friend requested her out of the blue recently on fb and then turned around and professed his love for her. some of that has to be an exaggeration but i can believe he made sure she knew he really likes her.

this guy used to work at the store reportedly and he quit at some point. according to her he would try to speak to her and finds himself mumbling. she basically knew he liked her and then he grows some courage after he quits finds her on fb and sends a quick message.

and this part amazes me she found his approach – though i could sense a creep alert coming – endearing and she agreed to go on a date with him. who knows if she actually went on said date, but i was like unbelievable. he went for it and it worked! 😮

in my case there have been precious few where i tried to get away with that. nicole is one prime example although a lot of moments led up to the eventual rejection there. she’s not the only example but there are women out there who became aware that i like them. of course i never seemed to be able to pursue anything with them.

this leads to one challenge…what if i found a bunch of women particularly online – no one i currently work with – and just expressed interest in them? what if i told them i liked them? of course these women would have to be vetted at least for having a boyfriend or whatever. if i was free and clear to be so bold why not.

oblivious

denial

sometimes i still consider the case of candace. i haven’t seen that young woman in almost five years. she takes up some space on this blog and more so than any woman  for whom i’ve expressed no interest in reciprocation to any interest she may have had in me.

i recognize now that i engaged in some behaviors which were just as easily off putting to her as i thought them clever. my sarcasm and my obliviousness drove her away. i guess there was a part of me that wanted to continue to dish my own “punishment” until she gave up.

for her part she fell in to her “kliq” of that period such as my one-off foe of that time who proved to have some allies in a number of places at “the show”. if she was the one who could have made some difference for me during that very tense time i definitely blew it even if i would never truly reciprocate her attention.

i also recognize that due to what i saw as her aggressiveness it was possible she had her own agenda and it never benefited me. of course this could be one of the “what ifs” of my story, but if i did give in to her attention is it possible that this would’ve been more gossip. chances are in dealing with the kids that worked at the theater at that time there was gossip anyway whether i took my shot or not.

what i consider is that a girl of about 19 or 20 – she could be slightly older or younger – had been seeking male attention. she may not have really wanted to have any type of serious relationship. she just wanted attention and it’s possible ignoring or rejection wasn’t acceptable. my response to her – as it had been then – was not very good and while i held the guise of it being entertaining to me it was truly a problem for her. or it became a problem for her until she stopped showing any response to my behavior.

sometimes i consider how oblivious i can be to women who want to give me the attention. unfortunately it’s not often that women give me attention and besides for the most part in our society women are being pursued not the pursuers. however if a pursued women likes the attention she can always encourage or discourage it if she doesn’t and sometimes the distinction becomes funny if she somehow decides whether or not she likes the person giving the attention.

sometimes i wonder if from some available woman, i missed the mark. it doesn’t matter if it’s candace, missy – which seems very unlikely, mary, becky, regina, janice, nicole, or even elise. i never got comfortable or even knew how to respond to any woman who expressed their own interest in me. and perhaps at the same time i find a way to be suspicious of it.

it makes me wonder if something is going on upstairs where i can’t help but hurt myself when it comes to women.

honesty box kissing

p.txt

Here is one example of an honesty box convo that I’ve had. As I comb through the archives of my past messages, there will be more in the future. Hopefully more “sexual” in content although probably not entirely exciting.

you said,
Can I get some sugar off of those nice lips?

they said,
lol……that depends….

you said,
You need to know who I am? Or does it depend on if you like me or not? Or do I have to be tall dark and handsome?

they said,
i would like to know who you are…lol

you said,
I would LOVE to tell you, but I know I won’t get a kiss. 😛

they said,
how do you figure?

you said,
We live in two separate cities and to give a guy you may not know a kiss would require a road trip.

they said,
what city u live in?

you said,
In in ATL right now.

they said,
do we know each other?  y u wanna kiss me?  lol….

you said,
Nah, we don’t although we are “facebook friends”. As for the why, well aside for the fact that you seem to have nice lips, I just wanted to ask.

they said,
Whats ur name friend?

you said,
Let’s just say that you’ve heard from me from time to time. I may lay a compliment here and there. 🙂

they said,
oh…c’mon….i need another hint…

you said,
Would you want to know a strange guy who started off asking for a kiss? lol!!!

they said,
quit stalling and tell me who u are! lol

you said,
What if I sent you a message with my name on it? I’d do it anyway just to you know not keep stalling, but would it get me that kiss or what would happen? lol

they said,
still waiting for you to tell me who you are…you can write it in a note, on my wall….just tell me! lol

you said,
I don’t strive to make this type of thing public so it’ll have to be a Facebook message. You must want to give a kiss away don’t you. LOL!

they said,
i just wanna know who wants a kiss……then we can go from there…lol..send me a message

you said,
Sounds good. 🙂

they said,
lol

With that being said, I can’t say for certain how this ultimately concluded. I’d have to do some digging and figure this out. It’s entirely possible that nothing came of this and this young lady never found out who wanted to lock lips with her.

honesty box red lips

tumblr_mnqecrWZq61rwgjyxo1_500

In this young lady’s case i just wrote about her full red lips. she was the kind of girl i wanted to “lose my virginity” to. she seemed to have this athletic build judging by her pics. she wasn’t petite at all either. the question was could i handle her. you can consider this convo a wtf. although could i have saved myself some trouble if i just simply came out to her instead of going back and forth with her anonymously?

you said,
you\’ve got some red lips 😦

they said,
You mad?

you said,
Hb isn’t that serious

you said,
why would i be mad about red lips? besides what if i want to kiss them.

they said,
You put a sad face as if you didn’t like it.

they said,
Sorry, I don’t kiss people I don’t know.

you said,
meh it wasn’t that i didn’t like it. i did a lot, but like you said you have no idea who i am and you don’t know me. 😉

they said,
So you enjoy going back and forth without me knowing who you are?

you said,
still want to know?

and as with the others i seem to only connect with her around the time of her birthday. if i find an excuse to randomly say anything else often i get ignored. perhaps she’s too busy or wasn’t even that interested. That or I’m a random that’s not worth the time.

i decided to share this because i got the number of a girl who has nice lips.