Recently I got several calls from a number I don’t recognize – my policy is usually not answer unrecognizable phone numbers if they’re someone to answer hopefully they’ll leave a voicemail. So after the umpteenth phone call from this number I receive a txt from this number asking me to call them. The hell….

I txted them asking them who are they? It was Anthony, the last time he did non-sense like this he made it seem urgent – this was the last time he asked to borrow money – “Call me 911”. This wasn’t the first time he sent such a txt, however, one time he did that I just said call 911 not knowing what he meant. Of course this was probably him asking for same, just me give and him take.

So anyway so far I’ve just ignored his phone calls and texts so far. When we worked together at “The Show” he often expressed irritation when I won’t get back to him and will confront me at work the next day. It’s as if I owe him my time, which, he really doesn’t but he was angling something during the two years we had actually worked together. I allowed myself to think of him as a good friend except he had an agenda of sorts.


Want to know the two first questions he asked me when I first met him. This was a bit unprovoked, out of the blue and shows that he wastes no time “How old were you when you lost your virginity?” Now when I wouldn’t give him an answer it probably gave him an idea. I told him about my background and he’s expressing surprised even with the terms “You just shocked me dude”. He was expressing his more outspoken side, but that question actually offended me, the worst part is that I was driving him home from work in my mother’s car. I could’ve put him out on the expressway….

The second question which for a brief time caused me to keep my distance from him for a bit of time was probably no less than two or three weeks after he started at the theater, “Can I borrow some money”. He gave me a little speech about how he was short and he needed a little something. Like I said he wasted no time.

I told a coworker Henry about it, and his response was to just ditch him. Anthony knew I drove to work that night and was following me around as if he was going to get his cash and a ride home. I feel bogus for it, but I was just offended by him asking for money especially & I outright left him at the theater. He did call me though I never listen to his voicemail. He never brought that incident up to me again though I’m sure he had his questions that I never answered.

He did come up to me once and asked point black confronting me “Why won’t you speak to me?” Sometimes when I express displeasure with something I think he understands I don’t like it, but most of the time he doubles down. Sometimes he complains about my own personality quirks, yet I have to accept his as if he doesn’t have any. For example, he occasionally uses pornographic speech about the women he finds attractive. His willingness to talk about people behind their backs as he’ll make comments about people to me though will express irritation when I do the same thing with him.

Remember in a recent post I ran into a coworker Brandon about a mgr at “The Show” Harve. Well Anthony was someone who worked with him and claimed to have helped him get the job at the theater. Harve got promoted real quick and Anthony seemed to have been talking s**t about him, I was like I though Harve was your boy. He never responded though conversely years later when Harve became a senior mgr he was proud of him. As if the s**ttalking never happened, however, if he did it to someone like Harve as it turned out he’d do it to me. Though in my case he would do it directly to my face, not be as nasty about it. In fact it would take the tone of a disappointed father, because I would never play it the way he wanted me to.


Kind of like what happened with “Finer Foods” last year. All the sudden he kept bringing up that I could leave “Fresh Foods” and go to “Finer” with my experience and make more money. He brought it up enough times where in irritation I just simple exclaimed over the phone “YOU MUST REALLY HAVE A HARD-ON FOR ME GOING TO FINER FOODS!”. He backed off and just said “no I’m just saying”. Then maybe a week or two later he calls me at work I text him a I’ll call you back later then he txts back “Why don’t you come over here with me at Finer Foods? You’ll make more money and you’d be closer to home.”

While I did call him later I avoided talking about it letting him know at that point how well things seemed to have been going at “Fresh”. He seemed to have agreed and he never brought up “Finer” until that 911 text and he asked to borrow some money. We were in a barber shop and he pointblank asks “Are you thinking about jumping ship yet?” I simply gave another excuse and he more or less doubled down saying get an interview, know your worth, see how much money they’re talking. It’s almost as if he never picked up on the fact that I wasn’t interested in jumping ship.

Though I sort of know what’s going on here. He was never making a suggestion, he was expressing an expectation. It wasn’t going to matter what I said about whether or not I was going to change jobs from one company to another. All that mattered to him was influencing me into going into the direction he wants me to go. Perhaps this is always his M.O. even at “The Show” and masked by his own agenda. His own agenda never involved looking out for me when things began to turn the theater job into “s**tplace”. He wanted something and being friendly to me would get him that.

BTW, another reason I haven’t really talked to him was my job situation. If he knew that I wasn’t working right now, he’d go over my head to solve the problem. He start telling me about the opportunities that exists wherever he is. And they may not be the opportunities in my best interest. Then I remember during the course of the streak era his attempts to help me find a job resulted in exactly three opportunities with no offers. He’s 0 for 3…

Actually while it’s been fairly recent, that I haven’t been working my communications blackout with him has been in effect really since the summer. If it wasn’t about some drama in his life he wanted to talk about with me, he wants to talk about money. The last txt from him last summer was updating me on stuff I already knew with a promise from him to pay me back the money he borrowed. I did call him not long after that left a voicemail and he never got back to me. Every now and they he’d say something on my facebook or instagram and one of those posts I just deleted because it irritated me.


From Nightcrawler

Finally the last time I called him was about “Deranged Barney” an encounter which I consider a trigger. That’s not someone I ever want to encounter again because my behavior would backslide into the negative as my goal is to never do that again. So anyway, instead of letting me talk this out his first instinct upon asking him “Guess who I ran into today?” His response was “D.B.?” He’s needling me about Mr. Deranged now, it’s been too much of running joke to him and not sensing how not in the mood I was for his teasing he goes into “You really need to let that go”. Instead it was like I’m a bad guy for not wanting to talk to him.

So he wants me to have a vested interest in his drama which are his children. For example the money he borrowed was for his son’s medical expenses. He gave a whole story about how he was asking for money in his family and he really needed me to give him some money. My form of cutting this off which didn’t work was I offered $20 as cold as it is to say this had nothing to do with me. In silence he just quickly shot back man you know you can give me at least $100.

The other drama he expressed to me a year earlier was he told me of an incident involving one of his daughters who he orchestrated a job at “The Show”. Apparently one of the senior mgrs decided to put their hands on his daughter and there was a bit of a drama with that. Since her daddy can involve himself in almost anything, he of course involved himself in this incident with his daughter – and with his counsel rightfully. He expressed anger for a time after this although with him knowing the senior mgr in question he talks about her like a dog but still expressed a pornographic interest in her.

So all the same, not a quandary. He’s given something to talk about on this blog and also I had a nice vacation from him. He might have been as responsible for it as I am, however, now he wants to be back in touch with me. It’s OK if a friend wants to talk to me, but problematic if it leads into, “Hey sorry I haven’t been in touch with you for a bit, however I really need something from you”…


Be part of the world

As I’ve stated already the idea of having sex or otherwise relations with the opposite sex to be part of the world is kind of backwards to me. That doesn’t happen unless you’re part of the world, thus I have to find activities or interests where one could connect with people. Thus you become part of the world and you can begin to find love or sex.

You don’t always find either from work. Or you don’t find either because people keep needing to lecture you about it or just make random comments.

All the same this article lets me know I had been on the right track. Take an improv class or take an art class. Hopefully you find someone you like or they like you though you can learn something new, especially something creative. And yes I know those aren’t the only things I could do to become part of the world.



let me start off by saying using a video of a railroad semaphore signal seems a bit counter-intuitive, but i assure you this video is relevant as far as this awkward subject. it’s all about whether or not someone is giving you the go-ahead signal. trains run the same way either you got to wait & let a train pass before proceeding or you got the all clear and the train can continue to move forward.

do you remember nicole? while barely mentioned on this blog or at least her story she featured in one story i wrote regarding my cousin natalie. my cousin took a greater interest in the story at the time than i wanted and simply shut down any attempt at a convo based upon this by offering nothing but silence. natalie who does like chatting kind of got the hint and left it & me alone…

as far as nicole, well it’s a cautionary tale with a variety of tactical errors. and to be fair it was a case of jumping a gun and the signs were in front of me that she was giving me a stop signal. with regards to if i was looking for signals from nicole, i wanted to see a proceed signal and sought to interpret and overthink them to the point where it was favorable. well it never happened and i hung around with her for far longer than i should have…

this was the biggest ouch of my life. i wanted to believe nicole was going to be my girlfriend and my belief proved to be wrong. as it turned out i made a mistake and as a result nicole probably still doesn’t want to speak to me to this day. it’s possible from my obsessive attempts i only served not to cultivate a relationship, but only cultivated avoidance. who knows if she’s ever moved from her negative feelings towards me, i know i still have my negative feelings about her.

a typical post where i talk about the women and describe them physically. this time i won’t, overtime i had to convince myself that although i thought nicole was attractive my view of her has changed and that includes her attractiveness. over the years i have thought her attitude when she wanted nothing to do with me made her very ugly to me. though these days i accept my role in how things simply went due south at the time.

having met her through my first room mate at “mission college” one mistake i had made was assuming her niceness/friendliness was a signal of interest. it was when i decided to express interest and the reasoning that she described it as a misunderstanding which wasn’t what i wanted to hear. these days i try to pay attention when a girl seems interested only to just pull back when i try to reciprocate. my goal is to try to avoid making assumptions in some cases i can be too cautious and a girl with a wandering eye can go with who’ll give her the attention.

another error was situational as i attempted to ascertain whether or not she was going to my campus to play pool i asked her if she was coming over. she was like you know maybe i don’t know we’ll see, then i felt dejected and walked away. someone touched my back & shoulders when i left. i was in a courtyard during a weekly student block party and there was a stairway into a yard with students standing around.

now i figure it was someone else who probably did the touching. probably steadying herself or perhaps himself coming down that hill and i was the only stable object nearby. problem is i wanted it to be nicole and made the mistake of asking her which began to cause other problems as it was an excuse to express interest. she couldn’t say whether she did or she didn’t and i never looked back when it happened so it’s possible she didn’t thus it wasn’t a proceed signal. unfortunately i didn’t want to believe that and held onto it for a long time until fairly recently.

another error was waiting for a signal of any sort and making assumptions based upon it. like one time i was singing to myself leaving “hillman” and nicole was horrified when she saw me. except i took that as a signal of interest because she had a horrified look on her face on that occasion. well now that it’s been interpreted by me as a proceed signal although almost a week before she gave me the signal i should’ve heeded – she wasn’t interested. regardless interpreting these signals as “interest” it caused me to further awkwardly make my presence known.

eventually it was all for naught and someone i didn’t know finally came around and told me to leave her alone. too bad this was before the iPhone and quality mobile photography. it got really scary and reality was it was entirely my fault because i failed to pay attention and heed her signals. i wanted proceed signals, but she actually sent stop signals.

for all that happened then i feel bad because if she knows my room mate whom we’re still somewhat in touch although only friends on fb at this point. he’s never said anything and when sh*t hit the fan i learned my lesson. he’s never mentioned anything about that whole episode with me even though i know there had been opportunity to do so.

nicole as a student at “hillman college” was a freshmen when i first met her as a transfer student. i was gone for a year and a half returned to establish relations which incidentally i had done so seeing her at “misson’s” recreational hall playing pool. when i greeted her and after we closed our convo, she greeted me with a flirtatious look but only after she indicated that there was someone who didn’t like her hanging out with men. i can safely consider this a mixed signal, though certainly for me i saw it as proceed when it should’ve been a stop because she wouldn’t give a clear answer as to whether or not she’s spoken for.

with this said since she was a year or so older at this point and certainly had a direction for her life being a junior when i returned to “mission” perhaps it was a bad time to approach her for dating. who’s to say she already had other things that stressed her out it could be her studies, other men, family life, etc. meanwhile i was just returning and although i was older probably did lack a direction. it’s possible whenever she saw me i lacked a direction and she could probably tell “there was no there, there”. i literally came in with not a whole lot to show for myself at least not at that point in time and that could include the idea of “no potential”.

so a few conclusions. i could relate this to what happened with candice years later. i missed candice’s signals because i chose not to pay them much attention. and she’d directly let me know it was a problem for her when i continued to blow off her signals. basically candice was looking for something with me and i for whatever reason chose to not heed her “go-ahead” signals. i’m a long way from saying this was a matter of caution – to avoid misinterpreting her signals – or just a matter of avoidance from a rambunctious young woman.

with nicole i was looking for her proceed signals and she got pissed because i wasn’t heeding them. the signals essentially was a no-go and i was again oblivious. even had some dear friends at college told me i should leave her alone and even that advice wasn’t enough for me to end my own semblance of a chase. and once again i wanted the signals i wanted which basically was, “come here big boy”. the actual signal was, “get lost big boy”.

candice – i can’t say what my problem was with her. perhaps it didn’t take long for me to realize there was nothing there from me with her. what i say later seems more like an excuse now, regardless at the time she insisted on my attention it seemed a little too much too soon at the time. i don’t know whether or not i can call this a missed opportunity or a dodged bullet.

nicole – only she knows why she wasn’t interested in me. perhaps i wasn’t showing that “mission-man mystique” which is believable. perhaps my awkward attempts to give her attention at one point was a little too much too soon also. could certainly be a botched opportunity or more accurately a non-starting opportunity. sometimes i wonder if this also had been a dodged bullet.



I think this describes my situation:

It’s especially difficult to find a partner if you don’t like to go out much.

Redditor ShakerJew explained that they think they’ll stay a virgin for a while:

“I have no clue how to advance relationships beyond friendship … I’ve never even held anyone’s hand… I’m not ugly at all either. When I see people in a relationship I just think ‘Wow that must be nice but that is not for me, I can’t have that. I must deprive myself of happiness.’

User another-redditor3 echoed this sentiment:

“Not much of a story really.

I’m 30, unemployed, live at home with my parents and have nothing that even resembles a social life. I talk to friends online once every few weeks or so, but it’s been 18+ months since I’ve seen any of them in person.

As for interests/activities, the few things I’m interested in are solo activities, or male dominated.”

If you’re not interested in checking out new places to meet potential dates, that’s cool. Focus on your own fulfilling hobbies.

Now I got to think, what kinds of hobbies can I get into where I can meet people. Perhaps I can join a college alumni group who will on occasion support the sister “Hillman College”. Perhaps I can take some art classes or something like that. There is something I can get into that will enable me to find this fabled companion or at least meet new friends.

the hook-up

34608175474_d8b6f9ca61_z.jpgI’ve learned how my old friend Anthony has the need to get himself into drama. the drama itself doesn’t really involve him and yet, he gets involved and it has very little to do with him. he’s the nosy neighbor who we may groan about however we’re glad he’s around when we need him! I don’t always feel that way about him.

Another thing Anthony likes to pivot into when we talk is my love life. it’s something he decided to not only comment on one time he actually did try to arrange a date. actually because he decided that I was a virgin – he was right, but I tried not to go there with him – he tried to get me to talk to a number of women we worked with at “the show”.

The young lady in question he did actually try to hook me up with – we’ll call her Greta – he wanted me to take her to the Chicago Theater for a comedy show. to be honest I was lukewarm about the Chicago Theater, when he suggested – more like demanded – that I go to a show at Chicago so thus it was important for me to check ticket prices. whatever they were it stopped me cold and it wasn’t because I was a cheapskate more like it became an excuse for me to not go to this event with Greta.

This wasn’t a knock against Greta who was a twenty-something woman outside of my race who had worked at “the show” with us. she was a quiet and short-haired blonde woman who I found attractive though somewhat “perfectly imperfect”. at some point in the previous year before Anthony’s attempt at a “hook-up” she had quit “the show” and was promoted to manager at another smaller movie theater in the city.

we actually visited her at this theater on the north side, almost missed her as she was setting up the concession/bar area because she had changed her hair color. we even sat in one of the auditoriums there just to check out that venue. and this was one of those Anthony wanted to be nosy days and he was mostly in touch with her. I even made note of her hair color complimenting her.

after that brief visit, I more or less just forgot about her and went back to some form of business as usual. every now and then anthony may bring this up and say are you going i may give an answer but not really an affirmative. he one time texted me about this one time attempting to turn this into an overarching point about trying to be a manager.

what was Anthony’s motives, not certain other than he saw the need for me to go out. it wasn’t enough that i often liked to go to the movies alone – and at that due to my own unwillingness to go the movies at “the show” even if it was for free as an associate. he wanted me to go out with Greta and have a good time out on the town and go out. he really wanted to see me take a woman out or relate to a woman or whatever. after a while for some reason he moved on to some other things and forgot about this event he wanted me to go to.

that was until Greta called him to ask about this event. i suppose she was starved for updates also and more so than i had been. so he checked on the available seats and saw that they had been diminished considerably. disappointed – and with him trying to reassure her – she just simply told him “I’ll talk to you later” and hung up. and guess who he called after that….

He had already called me earlier on that particular day and we never talked about this comedy show. so after Greta called him he immediately called me to yell at me because it was my fault that we burned a bridge with her. in failing to cover this event in Anthony’s word what i did wasn’t cool. the reality, even if Anthony thought he broke through, I really had little interest in this event in the first place. if i was going out with anyone I’d be more than happy to make my own plans! I never told him this but he probably didn’t really factor in my apparent level of interest in this.

it almost reminds me of how he somewhat campaigned to get me up to his “finer foods” store on the north side, especially after getting blown off by his store manager after almost an hour. it never occurred to him that I lost interest after that and he still felt as if i should’ve followed up on this. and then when i moved on from “the show” ultimately to “fresh foods” he started his campaign again with the idea that yours truly would like “finer foods” better and because of my experience i would make more money. so he still pivoted into my business as far as making a move that could net more more pay!

these days he finds a way to bring this up now. when he borrowed money from me he still insists that yours truly blew it with greta. and i kept asking him “blew what?” and he didn’t mind stating repeatedly “you blew it with her”. of course before that there were other situations where he brought it up, bottom line is that he felt as if my actions helped burn a bridge with her. he made it a lot more than i thought it was at the time and for some dumb reason i have a tough time even accepting this.

i could put this situation in the same vein as the one with candice. though in candice’s case she was far more aggressive about it than greta was. i suppose that was the turnoff with candice more than anything. in the case of greta it was more third-party meddling that made things far more interesting. either way both situations became something i wasn’t very comfortable with and it was easier to do nothing when in doubt than to simply take advantage.


september 2014

blackberry-photos 168

little did i know at the start of this month that the “streak era” was about to end. it all started two years before with the interview at a smaller theater chain who had some background issues and cost me a potential mgmt position. lately i started getting interest from banks especially “gotham bank”. i had an interview to start off this month which unfortunately resulted in no job offer.

meanwhile the previous month i had started working on my smile. i started off with some deep cleanings although now the plan was for me to eventually pull out the loose and failing teeth. yeah in my early 30s i will eventually receive false teeth in the form of a flipper and eventually a dental bridge. it was past time as i just put it off until it was really time and kept getting embarrassed over it. one way to look at this, as i continue to interview for jobs i can at least finally look my best in addition to a visit to the barber and dressing professionally.

anthony had started campaigning again for me to work with him at his “finer foods” store on the northwest side. i had somewhat brusquely ignored his suggestion that i speak with the hr person at his store. it was as a result of an attempt to interview with a store manager who on the day i went up there early one morning instead was meeting with his district manager. anthony yelled at me on the phone for not following up and i avoided him for a while until i found something i wanted to talk about only for anthony to simply pivot without response to my subject about what happened with “finer foods”.

this time i didn’t turn it down, simply just wrote this down though with little plans to follow-up with this. as the summer began to wind down i was getting interest from jobs although for some i opted not to respond to all of them. going up to my “friendly” martial artist store on the northwest side actually remained near the bottom of my list considering what happened earlier that year.

as far as “the show” nothing of great note happened. i got called out by mgmt for taking too long on my breaks, which i blame on my general unhappiness with my job at the theater. the senior manager who wanted me written up for it was up my *ss for some odd reason anyway, but became strangely cordial after i finally handed my two week notice. i gave her an excuse and as often seems to happen she wants to get tense.

there were other minor incidents with coworkers, however, nothing much really happened. as much as i hate to tease you all, but these involved individuals who remain non-descript with not a whole lot to distinguish them. and i also attempt to bear in mind their general youth.

however by the end of this particular month – little did i realize – my time at “the show” was drawing to a close. also i finally got started on improving myself by working on my long suffering smile. and set me up eventually for another job i will get by the start of the next year. no one could’ve told me that the job offer i accepted wouldn’t work out for me.

bottom line the streak era after so many interviews with no job was finally ending in october!!!

odds & ends

my friend anthony is again trying to get me to work with him at “finer foods”. i met with him recently – he hit me up for some ca$h again – and he casually said “are you thinking of jumping ship?” at this point my only answer is no.

then he suggested get an interview see what kind of money they’re talking. even during the heat of the “streak era” he was into telling me about negotiation. especially when i was entertaining leaving “the show” for another theater. of course negotiation is out of the question when you’re not getting the job in the first place.

* that brings to mind a botched interview  back in april 2014 he wanted me to have with the store he then worked on the northwest side of chicago. i called up the store director at that store and set a date and time. when i think about it today he the s.d. was a very fast talking guy as if he was very busy. as it turns out perhaps he was in over his head.

i went to the store and was a little late because i’m not that familiar with that part of town. i was kept waiting for a half-hour before someone came out to speak to me. this person then asked if i was sure i was meeting with the s.d. then my attitude came out. simply put i spoke with him if he assigned me to anyone else i’m not aware of it. i was kept waiting for almost another half-hour before finally being told the s.d. was meeting with his district manager and won’t be able to meet with me and sent on my way.

so on the day when anthony sent me a quick text suggesting i try for his new “finer foods” store a big “wtf” came across. the last time he brought this up i quickly just stated “you must have a hard-on for me working at ‘finer foods'”. he quickly backed off stating that he was just stating with my experience i could get more out of it.

now back to what happened. i texted him quick telling him there was no interview and why – and just think a little over an hour before he was wishing me good luck. no luck needed no one interviewed me and they kept me waiting to tell me they weren’t going to interview me. almost two days later he shitted on me for not following up. why would i want to follow-up with people who didn’t respect my time? they made a mistake they should follow up with me.

* with this in mind i’m thinking anthony was giving me shit because my job search up to that point was netting me no results. nothing was working for me between august 2012 to october 2014. he had little problem noting that i don’t really follow-up on these interviews. perhaps he was doubting my ability to really score the job.

after that dust-up i avoided talking to him via text and phone for a while and he maintained a laser focus on getting me to talk to his hr contact up there. i sent an e-mail explaining my actions and he though the appropriate reply was when i call their hr. i was a long way from wanting to go back up there when that blow-off attempt at an interview happened.

* and yet i found my way at “fresh foods” later without the experience at “finer foods”. having worked with people that formerly worked at that establishment i’m not too unhappy that i never got my opportunity. it seems many left them behind very unsatisfied whether it was the pay or the culture. who knows why anthony seems to like them so much – aside from the fact that they’re union.

* his pay blows mine out of the water i’m real close to where he is only about a dollar difference. he claims to get $900/wk take home and i make about $200/wk less. he throws around the know your value thing but i know mine now perhaps in terms of intra-company promotions or even changing companies. which ironically i consider say between a grocery and a theater. though when i accepted the job at the “dine-in show” i didn’t negotiate pay.

now that i’m largely on target for a promotion which could surpass anthony’s level of pay it’ll only take something crazy for me to jump ship. right now i may consider a intra-company transfer even at the same level before going to “finer foods”. sooner or later i can just tell him to forget about that fantasy.

oh yeah and also bear in mind he just returned to that company starting off as part-time. he hopes to make full-time, however, where he had been at first he claimed there was too much red-tape for that to happen for him. i’d say for now i have a better deal.