signals

let me start off by saying using a video of a railroad semaphore signal seems a bit counter-intuitive, but i assure you this video is relevant as far as this awkward subject. it’s all about whether or not someone is giving you the go-ahead signal. trains run the same way either you got to let a train pass before proceeding or you got the all clear and the train can move forward.

do you remember nicole? while barely mentioned on this blog or at least her story she featured in one story i wrote regarding my cousin natalie. my cousin took a greater interest in the story at the time than i wanted and simply shut down any attempt at a convo based upon this by offering nothing but silence. natalie who does like chatting kind of got the hit and left it and me alone…

as far as nicole, well it’s a cautionary tale with a variety of tactical errors. and to be fair it was a case of jumping a gun and the signs were in front of me that she was giving me a stop signal. with regards to if i was looking for signals from nicole, i wanted to see a proceed signal and sought to interpret and overthink them to the point where it was favorable. well it never happened and i hung around with her for far than i should have…

this was the biggest ouch of my life. i wanted to believe nicole was going to be my girlfriend and my belief proved to be wrong. as it turned out i made a mistake and as a result nicole probably still doesn’t want to speak to me today. it’s possible from my obsessive attempts i only served not to cultivate a relationship, but only cultivated avoidance. who knows if she’s ever moved from her negative feelings about me, i know i still have my negative feelings about it.

a typical post where i talk about the women and describe them physically. this time i won’t, overtime i had to convince myself that although i thought nicole was attractive my view of her has changed and that includes her attractiveness. over the years i have thought her attitude when she wanted nothing to do with me made her very ugly to me. though these days i accept my role in how things simply went due south at the time.

having met her through my first room mate at “mission college” one mistake i had made was assuming her niceness/friendliness was a signal interest. it wasn’t when i decided to express interest she described it as a misunderstanding which wasn’t what i wanted to hear. these days i try to pay attention when a girl seems interested only to just pull back when i try to reciprocate. my goal is to try to avoid making assumptions in some cases i can be too cautious and a girl with a wandering eye can go with who’ll give her the attention.

another error was situational as i attempted to ascertain whether or not she was going to my campus to play pool i asked her if she was coming over. she was like you know maybe i don’t know we’ll see, then i felt dejected and walked away. someone touched my back & shoulders when i left. i was in a courtyard during a weekly student block party and there was a stairway into a yard with students standing around.

now i figure it was someone else who probably did the touching. probably steadying herself or perhaps himself coming down that hill and i was the only stable object. problem is i wanted it to be nicole and made the mistake of asking her which began to cause other problems as it was an excuse to express interest. she couldn’t say whether she did or she didn’t and i never looked back when it happened so it’s possible she didn’t thus it wasn’t a proceed signal. unfortunately i didn’t want to believe that and held onto it for a long time until fairly recently.

another error was waiting for a signal of any sort and making assumptions based upon it. like one time i was singing to myself leaving “hillman” and nicole was horrified when she saw me. except i took that as a signal of interest because she had a horrified look on her face on that occasion. well now that it’s been interpreted by me as a proceed signal although almost a week before she gave me the signal i should’ve heeded – she wasn’t interested. regardless interpreting these signals as “interest” it caused me to further awkwardly make my presence known.

eventually it was all for naught and someone i didn’t know finally came around and told me to leave her alone. too bad this was before the iPhone and quality mobile photography. it got really scary and reality was it was entirely my fault because i failed to pay attention and heed her signals. i wanted favorable signals, but the signals she actually sent weren’t.

for all that happened then i feel bad because if she knows my room mate whom we’re still somewhat in touch although only friends on fb at this point. he’s never said anything and when sh*t hit the fan i learned my lesson. he’s never mentioned anything about that whole episode with me even though i know there had been opportunity to do so.

nicole as a student at “hillman college” was a freshmen when i first met her as a transfer student. i was gone for a year and a half returned to establish relations which incidentally i had done so seeing her at “misson’s” recreational hall playing pool. when i greeted her and after she closed our convo, she greeted me with a flirtatous look but only after she indicated that there was someone who didn’t like her hanging out with men. i can safely consider this a mixed signal, though certainly for me i saw it as proceed when it should’ve been a stop because she didn’t intend to give a clear answer as to whether or not she’s spoken for.

with this said since she was a year or so older at this point and certainly had a direction for her life being a junior when i returned to “mission” perhaps it was a bad time to approach her for dating. who’s to say she already had other things that stressed her out it could be her studies, other men, family life, etc. meanwhile i was just returning and although i was older probably did lack a direction. it’s possible whenever she saw me i lacked a direction and she could probably tell “there was no there, there”. i literally came in with not a whole lot to show for myself at least not at that point in time and that could include the idea of “no potential”.

so a few conclusions. i could relate this to what happened with candice years later. i missed candice’s signals because i chose not to pay them much attention. and she’d directly let me know it was a problem for her when i blew off her signals. basically candice was looking for something with me and i for whatever reason chose to not heed her “go-ahead” signals. i’m a long way from saying this was a matter of caution – to avoid misinterpreting her signals – or just a matter of avoidance from a rambunctious young woman.

with nicole i was looking for her signals and she got pissed because i wasn’t heeding them. the signals essentially was a no-go and i was again oblivious. even had some dear friends at college told me i should leave her alone and even that advice wasn’t enough for me to end my own semblance of a chase. and once again i wanted the signals i wanted which basically was, “come here big boy”. the actual signal was, “get lost big boy”.

candice – i can’t say what my problem was with her. perhaps it didn’t take long for me to realize there was nothing there from me with her. what i say later seems more like an excuse now, regardless at the time she insisted on my attention it seemed a little too much too soon at the time. i don’t know whether or not i can call this a missed opportunity or a dodged bullet.

nicole – only she knows why she wasn’t interested in me. perhaps i wasn’t showing that “mission-man mystique” which is believable. perhaps my awkward attempts to give her attention at one point was a little too much too soon also. could certainly be a botched opportunity or more accurately a non-starting opportunity. sometimes i wonder if this had been a dodged bullet.

 

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Isolation

I think this describes my situation:

It’s especially difficult to find a partner if you don’t like to go out much.

Redditor ShakerJew explained that they think they’ll stay a virgin for a while:

“I have no clue how to advance relationships beyond friendship … I’ve never even held anyone’s hand… I’m not ugly at all either. When I see people in a relationship I just think ‘Wow that must be nice but that is not for me, I can’t have that. I must deprive myself of happiness.’

User another-redditor3 echoed this sentiment:

“Not much of a story really.

I’m 30, unemployed, live at home with my parents and have nothing that even resembles a social life. I talk to friends online once every few weeks or so, but it’s been 18+ months since I’ve seen any of them in person.

As for interests/activities, the few things I’m interested in are solo activities, or male dominated.”

If you’re not interested in checking out new places to meet potential dates, that’s cool. Focus on your own fulfilling hobbies.

Now I got to think, what kinds of hobbies can I get into where I can meet people. Perhaps I can join a college alumni group who will on occasion support the sister “Hillman College”. Perhaps I can take some art classes or something like that. There is something I can get into that will enable me to find this fable companion or at least meet new friends.

the hook-up

34608175474_d8b6f9ca61_z.jpgI’ve learned how my old friend Anthony has the need to get himself into drama. the drama itself doesn’t really involve him and yet, he gets involved and it has very little to do with him. he’s the nosy neighbor who we may groan about however we’re glad he’s around when we need him! I don’t always feel that way about him.

Another thing Anthony likes to pivot into when we talk is my love life. it’s something he decided to not only comment on one time he actually did try to arrange a date. actually because he decided that I was a virgin – he was right, but I tried not to go there with him – he tried to get me to talk to a number of women we worked with at “the show”.

The young lady in question he did actually try to hook me up with – we’ll call her Greta – he wanted me to take her to the Chicago Theater for a comedy show. to be honest I was lukewarm about the Chicago Theater, when he suggested – more like demanded – that I go to a show at Chicago so thus it was important for me to check ticket prices. whatever they were it stopped me cold and it wasn’t because I was a cheapskate more like it became an excuse for me to not go to this event with Greta.

This wasn’t a knock against Greta who was a twenty-something woman outside of my race who had worked at “the show” with us. she was a quiet and short-haired blonde woman who I found attractive though somewhat “perfectly imperfect”. at some point in the previous year before Anthony’s attempt at a “hook-up” she had quit “the show” and was promoted to manager at another smaller movie theater in the city.

we actually visited her at this theater on the north side, almost missed her as she was setting up the concession/bar area because she had changed her hair color. we even sat in one of the auditoriums there just to check out that venue. and this was one of those Anthony wanted to be nosy days and he was mostly in touch with her. I even made note of her hair color complimenting her.

after that brief visit, I more or less just forgot about her and went back to some form of business as usual. every now and then anthony may bring this up and say are you going i may give an answer but not really an affirmative. he one time texted me about this one time attempting to turn this into an overarching point about trying to be a manager.

what was Anthony’s motives, not certain other than he saw the need for me to go out. it wasn’t enough that i often liked to go to the movies alone – and at that due to my own unwillingness to go the movies at “the show” even if it was for free as an associate. he wanted me to go out with Greta and have a good time out on the town and go out. he really wanted to see me take a woman out or relate to a woman or whatever. after a while for some reason he moved on to some other things and forgot about this event he wanted me to go to.

that was until Greta called him to ask about this event. i suppose she was starved for updates also and more so than i had been. so he checked on the available seats and saw that they had been diminished considerably. disappointed – and with him trying to reassure her – she just simply told him “I’ll talk to you later” and hung up. and guess who he called after that….

He had already called me earlier on that particular day and we never talked about this comedy show. so after Greta called him he immediately called me to yell at me because it was my fault that we burned a bridge with her. in failing to cover this event in Anthony’s word what i did wasn’t cool. the reality, even if Anthony thought he broke through, I really had little interest in this event in the first place. if i was going out with anyone I’d be more than happy to make my own plans! I never told him this but he probably didn’t really factor in my apparent level of interest in this.

it almost reminds me of how he somewhat campaigned to get me up to his “finer foods” store on the north side, especially after getting blown off by his store manager after almost an hour. it never occurred to him that I lost interest after that and he still felt as if i should’ve followed up on this. and then when i moved on from “the show” ultimately to “fresh foods” he started his campaign again with the idea that yours truly would like “finer foods” better and because of my experience i would make more money. so he still pivoted into my business as far as making a move that could net more more pay!

these days he finds a way to bring this up now. when he borrowed money from me he still insists that yours truly blew it with greta. and i kept asking him “blew what?” and he didn’t mind stating repeatedly “you blew it with her”. of course before that there were other situations where he brought it up, bottom line is that he felt as if my actions helped burn a bridge with her. he made it a lot more than i thought it was at the time and for some dumb reason i have a tough time even accepting this.

i could put this situation in the same vein as the one with candice. though in candice’s case she was far more aggressive about it than greta was. i suppose that was the turnoff with candice more than anything. in the case of greta it was more third-party meddling that made things far more interesting. either way both situations became something i wasn’t very comfortable with and it was easier to do nothing when in doubt than to simply take advantage.

 

september 2014

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little did i know at the start of this month that the “streak era” was about to end. it all started two years before with the interview at a smaller theater chain who had some background issues and cost me a potential mgmt position. lately i started getting interest from banks especially “gotham bank”. i had an interview to start off this month which unfortunately resulted in no job offer.

meanwhile the previous month i had started working on my smile. i started off with some deep cleanings although now the plan was for me to eventually pull out the loose and failing teeth. yeah in my early 30s i will eventually receive false teeth in the form of a flipper and eventually a dental bridge. it was past time as i just put it off until it was really time and kept getting embarrassed over it. one way to look at this, as i continue to interview for jobs i can at least finally look my best in addition to a visit to the barber and dressing professionally.

anthony had started campaigning again for me to work with him at his “finer foods” store on the northwest side. i had somewhat brusquely ignored his suggestion that i speak with the hr person at his store. it was as a result of an attempt to interview with a store manager who on the day i went up there early one morning instead was meeting with his district manager. anthony yelled at me on the phone for not following up and i avoided him for a while until i found something i wanted to talk about only for anthony to simply pivot without response to my subject about what happened with “finer foods”.

this time i didn’t turn it down, simply just wrote this down though with little plans to follow-up with this. as the summer began to wind down i was getting interest from jobs although for some i opted not to respond to all of them. going up to my “friendly” martial artist store on the northwest side actually remained near the bottom of my list considering what happened earlier that year.

as far as “the show” nothing of great note happened. i got called out by mgmt for taking too long on my breaks, which i blame on my general unhappiness with my job at the theater. the senior manager who wanted me written up for it was up my *ss for some odd reason anyway, but became strangely cordial after i finally handed my two week notice. i gave her an excuse and as often seems to happen she wants to get tense.

there were other minor incidents with coworkers, however, nothing much really happened. as much as i hate to tease you all, but these involved individuals who remain non-descript with not a whole lot to distinguish them. and i also attempt to bear in mind their general youth.

however by the end of this particular month – little did i realize – my time at “the show” was drawing to a close. also i finally got started on improving myself by working on my long suffering smile. and set me up eventually for another job i will get by the start of the next year. no one could’ve told me that the job offer i accepted wouldn’t work out for me.

bottom line the streak era after so many interviews with no job was finally ending in october!!!

odds & ends

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my friend anthony is again trying to get me to work with him at “finer foods”. i met with him recently – he hit me up for some ca$h again – and he casually said “are you thinking of jumping ship?” at this point my only answer is no.

then he suggested get an interview see what kind of money they’re talking. even during the heat of the “streak era” he was into telling me about negotiation. especially when i was entertaining leaving “the show” for another theater. of course negotiation is out of the question when you’re not getting the job in the first place.

* that brings to mind a botched interview  back in april 2014 he wanted me to have with the store he then worked on the northwest side of chicago. i called up the store director at that store and set a date and time. when i think about it today he the s.d. was a very fast talking guy as if he was very busy. as it turns out perhaps he was in over his head.

i went to the store and was a little late because i’m not that familiar with that part of town. i was kept waiting for a half-hour before someone came out to speak to me. this person then asked if i was sure i was meeting with the s.d. then my attitude came out. simply put i spoke with him if he assigned me to anyone else i’m not aware of it. i was kept waiting for almost another half-hour before finally being told the s.d. was meeting with his district manager and won’t be able to meet with me and sent on my way.

so on the day when anthony sent me a quick text suggesting i try for his new “finer foods” store a big “wtf” came across. the last time he brought this up i quickly just stated “you must have a hard-on for me working at ‘finer foods'”. he quickly backed off stating that he was just stating with my experience i could get more out of it.

now back to what happened. i texted him quick telling him there was no interview and why – and just think a little over an hour before he was wishing me good luck. no luck needed no one interviewed me and they kept me waiting to tell me they weren’t going to interview me. almost two days later he shitted on me for not following up. why would i want to follow-up with people who didn’t respect my time? they made a mistake they should follow up with me.

* with this in mind i’m thinking anthony was giving me shit because my job search up to that point was netting me no results. nothing was working for me between august 2012 to october 2014. he had little problem noting that i don’t really follow-up on these interviews. perhaps he was doubting my ability to really score the job.

after that dust-up i avoided talking to him via text and phone for a while and he maintained a laser focus on getting me to talk to his hr contact up there. i sent an e-mail explaining my actions and he though the appropriate reply was when i call their hr. i was a long way from wanting to go back up there when that blow-off attempt at an interview happened.

* and yet i found my way at “fresh foods” later without the experience at “finer foods”. having worked with people that formerly worked at that establishment i’m not too unhappy that i never got my opportunity. it seems many left them behind very unsatisfied whether it was the pay or the culture. who knows why anthony seems to like them so much – aside from the fact that they’re union.

* his pay blows mine out of the water i’m real close to where he is only about a dollar difference. he claims to get $900/wk take home and i make about $200/wk less. he throws around the know your value thing but i know mine now perhaps in terms of intra-company promotions or even changing companies. which ironically i consider say between a grocery and a theater. though when i accepted the job at the “dine-in show” i didn’t negotiate pay.

now that i’m largely on target for a promotion which could surpass anthony’s level of pay it’ll only take something crazy for me to jump ship. right now i may consider a intra-company transfer even at the same level before going to “finer foods”. sooner or later i can just tell him to forget about that fantasy.

oh yeah and also bear in mind he just returned to that company starting off as part-time. he hopes to make full-time, however, where he had been at first he claimed there was too much red-tape for that to happen for him. i’d say for now i have a better deal.

positivity

movie-theateri talk so much negativity about “the show” consider the fact that i used to refer to it as “shitplace”. my decision long ago was only to just not be so vulgar and then enable me to say some positive things.

so let me tell you at times i dread a busy night, but it was cool to see people come to the show. sometimes it was a drag because not only you got the nice people you also got people who brought their attitudes to the movies with them. i could say the same for many of the employees but this post isn’t necessarily about them and i’ve said what i needed to say about them.

one cool thing about that job was the convenience, it was relatively close to downtown chicago. for a number of years there was little action there as it was located in a shopping center that was all vacant until my eventual departure. it was also the one job i was able to drive to and often park for free in the parking garage.

i was able to watch so many movies during downtime whether or not on an unpaid break. some of the people i met there – especially anthony – i’m still in touch with to this day. can’t say for some of the eligible and attractive young women i met. there has to be some form of effort with that on my part. of course there are many who won’t be worth the time of day.

also in part due to my work history – where i had little to no employment in my 20s – this was the longest tenured job i’ve ever held. a record hopefully to be surpassed by my current employers at a grocery store. even if i spent most of my time at “the show” frustrated it was something of a success and i learned some skill even if the young people around me never took advantage of some of the simple aspects of making sales.

another thing i should learn from this experience is that no one has any right to treat me with no respect and to find ways to quell any disrespect. and sometimes it matters not if they continue to persist which they will. the main thing is to not lose my head in the commotion keep cool and just remove myself from the situation.

another thing to consider is that talking one day with anthony he considered this gig a cakewalk. people liked to complain but it really was a simple job. my thoughts are that there are those who were just there to complain about the smallest issues while not doing a whole lot of work themselves.

of course one of my disappointments about this place was that i was never promoted. one way to fix that is to talk to the leadership. or at the very least find someone you can talk to about it and hope they will put your name forward. another thing to be mindful of is who you work with, you never know what’s going on in their minds and it may blindside you.

another friend of mine learned that with other coworkers but only after i had left and he got promoted to supervisor. he got let go because some of the workers with whom he worked before promotion decided to make him a target. either way another lesson learned.

bottom line i miss some of the excitement of the movie especially being on the inside. although i work at a grocery store now and get paid much better than at “the show” the excitement is of a different type and can’t compare to the theater. in fact it’s one reason i returned to the business briefly almost a year after leaving.

even though i don’t consider “the show” my scene anymore sometimes i return to it just to reminisce. i have yet to go to a movie there since i left, but it would be worth it at some point in the future. another thing anthony liked to say is that it’s not the place but it’s people and i’ve accepted that he’s right. just one thing it can be hard to separate the people from the place.

now i can finally consider from where i come from to where i am today. life is always about growth and there’s still more to do. maybe i’ll cross paths with the theater business again and maybe i’ll move up in that world the day i do. in the meanwhile what am i going to do where i am now?

recently

Spoke to anthony for the first time in a while. He had some dental issues as of late and wasn’t able to speak without pain so we hadn’t talked to each other in a while.

He had been fired up over this recent election. Said some rather hot rhetoric but we talked about other subjects.

We wound up on my love life. I often like to go to the show by myself. Then he starts launching off into if you don’t start dating they’re going to laugh at you wondering where you been. Seemed hurtful but I tried not to be moved by it.

He worried me about plenty of fish for the first time in years. He was on top of it for a while a few years ago but seeing my lack of interest stopped him. I’m watching the world go by but not living in it according to him.

To which I say with that he’s made a point with that. It seems that’s what happens with me and I have little problem staying in place. At that same time it’s time for me to make some moves.

Time for my own place though I have yet to decide where I should live. Time for my own vehicle although at the moment I may not be doing a whole lot of driving. Either to work or anywhere else aside from a quick trip to the suburbs.

My focus right now is to save my money and apparently get things for myself that I never did get at a different time. Perhaps for those boots I never had been able to buy for myself or that laptop and I can go on and on. Main thing is to be able to support myself whether I stay home or move out on my own. My final goal is hopefully own property only as soon as I finally get a handle on student loans.

Of course the main thing I wish for is a stable relationship. Perhaps then are some of these other goals possible.

Anthony doesn’t know that I’ve been talking to women texting back and forth with one in particular. Also there’s tinder, I’ve been getting some play but no dates as of yet.

I would call it progress as of now although something is going to give at some point. If any woman laughs at my lack of success with dating then I don’t need her anyway.