letting go

letting-go

when i started a post entitled letting go, it would’ve been about “the show”. now in this case i can talk about getting some semblance of a love life. it doesn’t exist and it takes energy to get one. so perhaps i need a change of emphasis, pressure, or strategy.

i’ve been trying online dating since joining facebook over a decade ago and connected with the ladies of hillman college. then i’ve tried online dating through happn and tinder with varying results but the main thing no dates. in some cases however i got phone numbers and in another friend them on fb.

i never called the ones who gave me phone numbers and the one i connected with on fb dropped me and cut off all contact. not sure what happened other than i helped her lose interest and all i did was inquire about her employment. more and more i learn that it doesn’t take women much before they decide you’re not the one.

either way i’ve decided that perhaps a change of strategy is necessary. yes last month i met with a matchmaker and she offered some coaching at a discount which i have yet to get back to her on. regardless it represents one change of strategy.

another change has been that my poking and messaging days on fb has to end. that may not mean i may not check out women i work with or also went to hillman on fb. it just means that the mistakes made over the years have built up and perhaps i can’t stay stuck on it much longer.

perhaps i limited the pool so much that now i shouldn’t worry about it and hope that this idea of love will just fall in my lap. of course it won’t unless i’m willing to take a change whenever it comes up and unfortunately i won’t know what to do when it does.

sometimes the focus just has to be on self. i think of myself as a great writer i should just learn to write. perhaps it’s time to get out of the house and live on my own even if it was on a part-time basis – just so that i won’t be that far away from my mother who’s still undergoing treatment for her hip fracture. there are other interests i need to take the time to involve myself with.

with this in mind perhaps i shouldn’t worry about finding her. and whether or not i find that fabled female companion who is surely out there for me i must strive to become that guy. it’s not just for that woman but for yours truly and hopefully for the rest of the world.

so even though we’re two months in 2017, this needs to become a year of monumental change. i said i wanted to go up to at least a supervisor level at my current job. then what else must i do.

2017 can easily become 2014 – another year of great change. question is what do i have to do to get there?

new years goals 2017

goal

financial – i want to continue as much as possible what i have been doing for the past 4+ years. continue to save money once it was between $25 or $50 per paycheck and these days i often save about $75 per paycheck. i also have a 401k so i also resolve to pay attention to those assets which are important for the day i’m ready to retire and i hope that’s years away. if i keep saving i’ll be ready for this next step.

transporation – i’m a creature of public transit and don’t see that changing in the near future as long as i live somewhere with a decent system. one way to be mobile and go places where i want to go that isn’t easily accessible by public transit is to have a car. it’s probably the first investment i can make and hopefully i can find something to pay cash with and hopefully not wipe out a significant amount of my own savings. and this investment i can put forward on another vehicle at the right time.

real estate – to start i would like an apartment this year finally move out on my own but that is only a start. my ultimate goal is to own a home, hopefully several piece of real estate around the city and hopefully in part of town that are expected to grow in the future. one pipe dream in a place with low property values to custom build a home of great architectural significance. but that means i better have some cash put away so that i can afford that.

travel – last year i went to a reunion on the west coast. 2017 hopefully i can find somewhere to go that i’ve never been. just spend a weekend there. as long as i have the financial resources to do that it’s something worth doing.

work – i want to get promoted at work. i have been lucky to have gotten promoted to full-time at my current job in 2015. as of now i want to get into a leadership role and hopefully there are two possible paths whether or not i stick with the grocery store or i go back to the movies. in the latter case i have to return to the company i had worked with for 7 months and it was a great period of time, but due to my schedule i couldn’t do both when i finally quit. time to come up with a good plan for that…

hobbies – i’m big on photography mainly streetscapes and architecture. not only that i like to take video though at this time it’s most on my smartphone. i need to change that and go back to using a real camera or camcorder. hell, i’ve thought about going to my local cable access studios and taking some classes in tv production. it would be cool to take a hobby to another level and share with the general public. perhaps become a side hustle

love – as always it’s a long term goal and few prospects. thing i must figure out is how to change this. while i am a virgin it’s not just sex i want. although i’ve entertained the idea of having sex with a dear friend who cares about me it’s still important to make that connect with a woman who wants to be with me. that’s far more important than to just lose my virginity. of course the main goal is marriage and i hope i can find someone who doesn’t want to waste time in going in front of the justice of the peace for example. perhaps this is something – to find that special woman – that i really want and need to crack. where do i start aside from online dating (which will be the subject of a future post.

happy new year 2017

new-years-resolutionone of the main accomplishments that i’ve noted on this blog fairly often was leaving “the show”. i had been stagnant there and it seems i ran afoul of people who i appeared to have rubbed the wrong way. in some case many of them were just looking for a problem anyway.

but there are plenty of valuable lesson i’ve learned two years after i left. if you have to fight with almost everybody at a job it’s time to go. if pay and job growth is stagnant it’s time to go. if there’s nothing one can to to change one’s position at a job and everyone – especially management – is against you no matter what it’s time to go.

it’s been a great two years my pay has gone up for sure. i’ve really started saving money about six years ago starting with tax refunds. and aside from a few times when i had to pull from savings or overdrawing my checking account i’ve been saving money in earnest for about 4 years. usually with small amounts from paycheck to paycheck.

although with that i missed the boat about 16+ years when when interest rates were much higher than they are now. as of now i have more savings now, than i had when i was getting survivor’s benefits as a minor during & after my senior year of high school.

all the same the more i progress especially in this new year, the more i can progress financially. it’s a long time in coming, but hopefully the best is yet to come. as long as there is that optimism this will be a great year for me.

joyeaux anniversaire

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it’s that time of year again celebrating my birthday. now i really want to take stock of what i want to accomplish in this new year.

so many things to accomplish beyond financial goals. yeah i can always take care of money, but now i need to focus on some more personal goals. it’s my hope to explore those goals as i go forward on this blog.

yeah now i’m much closer to 40, but then so what. life isn’t over it’s still moving forward and hopefully i can accomplish some things before i get over that hump. especially in achieving some of my personal and financial goals.

on the other hand…

two years ago at least two days from my birthday i was fired from the bank. i’ve told that story numerous times on this blog. a few days after my birthday recently i drove through the neighborhood where i formerly worked at that bank.

no new changes other than that branch has closed during the ensuing two years. one night i drove to the hospital where my mother is for the time being and see that the branch is about to be turned into a fried fish establishment. a short-order food place which amazes me somewhat.

a pizza place was nearby when i worked there and that place is gone now. the pizza place had been a bank customer anyway. also nearby is a laundromat is still open.

i consider this one place i’ve been. my first new job since leaving “the show” and it wasn’t a rousing success. indeed this definitely wasn’t the assignment of my choice but during a very frustrating period of time they were the ones who hired me.

but as i consider where i am working now which is back in downtown chicago i see that in this old neighborhood there are some changes. change is of course always good, however, the only change is the tenants of the strip mall where the branch was located. and even then in that neighborhood, there’s still not a lot of action that exists in the downtown area.

at this point i’m not upset that i was unceremoniously dumped from this bank. and i’m not too upset that the branch has closed since i left. just a sign that i achieved one goal after that only short-term set back.

recently

Spoke to anthony for the first time in a while. He had some dental issues as of late and wasn’t able to speak without pain so we hadn’t talked to each other in a while.

He had been fired up over this recent election. Said some rather hot rhetoric but we talked about other subjects.

We wound up on my love life. I often like to go to the show by myself. Then he starts launching off into if you don’t start dating they’re going to laugh at you wondering where you been. Seemed hurtful but I tried not to be moved by it.

He worried me about plenty of fish for the first time in years. He was on top of it for a while a few years ago but seeing my lack of interest stopped him. I’m watching the world go by but not living in it according to him.

To which I say with that he’s made a point with that. It seems that’s what happens with me and I have little problem staying in place. At that same time it’s time for me to make some moves.

Time for my own place though I have yet to decide where I should live. Time for my own vehicle although at the moment I may not be doing a whole lot of driving. Either to work or anywhere else aside from a quick trip to the suburbs.

My focus right now is to save my money and apparently get things for myself that I never did get at a different time. Perhaps for those boots I never had been able to buy for myself or that laptop and I can go on and on. Main thing is to be able to support myself whether I stay home or move out on my own. My final goal is hopefully own property only as soon as I finally get a handle on student loans.

Of course the main thing I wish for is a stable relationship. Perhaps then are some of these other goals possible.

Anthony doesn’t know that I’ve been talking to women texting back and forth with one in particular. Also there’s tinder, I’ve been getting some play but no dates as of yet.

I would call it progress as of now although something is going to give at some point. If any woman laughs at my lack of success with dating then I don’t need her anyway.

digits

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so after taking my time coming up with some compliments i got elise’s phone number. the next question is what now?

setting up a date would be great though i recognize perhaps it’s too soon for that. but to be honest i’m more keen on that than having an extended phone conversation.

do you want to know what got it forward other than coming up with three compliments….talking about those lips. i was straining to come up with the final compliment and then i looked through her fb profile and noticed her lips.

part of me wants to say to her… “i want a kiss” the first time we meet. she can either say yes or “get away from me”. this may disappoint me, but at least i got this far. even better the prospect of actually getting together to her although she’s in the suburbs which is one downside.

bottom line, it’s difficult for me to get out to her. and to consider it’s difficult for me to even want to think i can get this close to a woman and think there’s a chance for me. one way to calm this down is to realize i’m just meeting her because it’s not that serious. take it easy not take this very serious and remember that this is one step to realizing one life goal.

that goal being everything from realizing a relationship with a woman that will lead to sex. to be able to do so before my 40th birthday which sadly is not that far away at this point.

and yes i recognize that i have to meet her first. talk to her and set up a date. perhaps even build enough attraction so that not only would i want to kiss, but that she’d want to give me a kis.

what does it take to become him?

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i have to become that man or him as is noted by a comment on this blog by GratuitousRex. he made an astute observation on the significance of this her. bad news is that she just won’t fall in my lap very easy.

she would be the one i was looking for although she need not be the one who takes my virginity as much as the one i want to marry. i’ve been waiting but it’s been a very long time and have never dated even as i try to talk to women over the years with few results.

so now it’s time for me to become him the man she wants to be with – although not necessarily for marriage or anything like that. slowly but surely i’m making some necessary improvements to get there including finding a new job as i had in 2014.

i write a lot about work and how frustrated i was with my long-term job at a movie theater. i was going no where and the pay was destined to remain flat at minimum wage there. it became important to find a new job that offered better pay and benefits as it was my hope that this would change some things.

with that being said another big change before the new year 2015 was fixing my teeth. i wrote about this being something of a needed change put off because it cost money and i had no insurance at one point. then i took advantage of a health insurance exchange bought some insurance and by the end of summer of 2014 i could get started doing some necessary work on my mouth.

now i could feel comfortable smiling at a beautiful woman – that’s not to say if she knew i had fake teeth she won’t say anything dumb. i can feel comfortable biting down on food i enjoy – even if i have to still be careful with the bridge that occupies space where my natural front teeth used to be. this was a change a long time in coming and at that a new job wasn’t necessary or even employer provided insurance.

with that said there are other improvements that needs to be made. one of those is a matter of wardrobe but that takes time. perhaps my confidence with women although i don’t want to attract superficial women who can’t look past my physical attributes. i definitely don’t want one who only looks at dollar $igns.

at the end of the day I must become the one that she wants and hopefully she is the one that i’m looking for. i can become the man that she wants, but i still want the woman who can accept me for who i am.