To Anyone Who Thinks They’re Falling Behind In Life

Read this on the HuffPost recently. Good article and somewhat encouraging. Things will happen when I’m ready for it. I don’t necessarily do things because someone else wants me too. It’ll happen when it happens:

Sometimes we’re not yet the people we need to be in order to contain the desires we have. Sometimes we have to let ourselves evolve into the place where we can allow what we want to transpire.

Let’s just say that whatever you want, you want it enough. So much so that you’re making yourself miserable in order to achieve it. What about chilling out? Maybe your motivation isn’t the problem, but that you keep pushing a boulder up a mountain that only grows in size the more you push.

There’s a magic beyond us that works in ways we can’t understand. We can’t game it. We can’t 10-point list it. We can’t control it. We have to just let it be, to take a fucking step back for a moment, stop beating ourselves up into oblivion, and to let the cogs turn as they will. One day, this moment will make sense. Trust that.

Yes!

the check

check

i forgot to mention more about depositing money into my accounts on the bank that formerly employed my mother. basically i deposited my tax refund check into both my savings and checking. most of it went to checking so that i could use that to pay my bills mainly credit and student loans.

the remainder went into savings which for the first time ever moved my account past the $10K mark. wow if only i had continued to add money to my account a few years ago when i collected that social security checks – as a result of my dad’s sudden passing – which pushed me past $5k before i even turned 19.

anyway my mother’s ideas are already put some money away in a CD. anthony my oddball friend from “the show” seems keen for me to buy a car. and i’m sure there are some other ideas, but for now I’m keen on continuing saving. and at that as i’m interested in changing banks in the future perhaps evaluate interest rates.

as far as a car if i continue to live at home and work in downtown chicago i’m not sure about the value of a vehicle. i won’t likely drive to work especially if parking could be an issue although it would help me out with my new job situation where i’d have to be at work starting at 5 am everyday. on the other hand this would make it easier for me to come and go as i please. can’t really do this with my mother’s vehicle. for now the jury is out but hopefully i can find something to spend cash and then hopefully get what i really want eventually.

yeah so for the next two weeks at least i’ll be doing more receiving at my store. remember two years ago i left “the show” for a job that would allow growth. i wasn’t growing at the movie theater. some of it was a self-inflicted wound, however, it probably wasn’t meant to be anyway. all the same, if it becomes a permanent job then that means more more and means more money to put away.

also it means more time on my hands. i would get off in the early afternoon – say about 1 pm or so. that could mean doing some moonlighting and it could also mean i could develop a plan B while doing this. and yes moonlighting could mean i could go back to a movie theater in the future and closer to a living salary especially if i can work more hours without losing sleep.

and yes it could also mean more time to meet women available women who hopefully are the ones i can connect with in a meaningful way – yeah whatever that means. perhaps more time to socialize and enjoy my time and develop meaningful hobbies and even connect with people who enjoys them.

with those things in mind some things are changing at my job. as i somewhat failed to do at “the show” the goal now is to get whatever i can get out of my job now. it may mean i have to learn to do receiving or buying and possibly parlay that to another job elsewhere if necessary. as much as i see a future at “fresh foods” it’s also possible that my future may not be there.

my future could be the main fantasy i had while i was struggling with being a bank teller after leaving “the show” becoming a theater manager. something i had two opportunities to accomplish. at the moment i could settle for being a grocery manager – department or store. i could make more money at a grocery store than at a theater. but that’s one path i can take for sure and perhaps the new potential job situation would allow me to accomplish that in some small way.

now i just have to adjust and adapt to the current new reality at work and with life.

odds & ends

* recently i went to my bank to deposit my federal tax refund. most of it is being used for bills the rest is being saved. the bank i went to was empty as it’s undergoing a transition having failed earlier this year. this bank was where i had my savings account since i was 18. now it has me thinking i should change banks though i was keen on doing it when the failure occurred i’ve since been taking my time and still thinking about it.

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* speaking of that bank, my mother recently went there to clean out her office. she hadn’t seen the inside of that place since she went on medical leave again in december. she was why i had an account there in the first place starting a savings account for me so that i have somewhere to deposit the social security checks for my dad. all the same all the changes that occurred the failure and ultimate sale to another bank happened while my mother was on medical leave. because of these changes she never returned to work. that’s a story in and of itself however.

* for this now i call this current period “the apocalypse”. i could compare this period to the “streak era” from 2012 to 2014 where i was getting interviews but no job offers. this period is far more different and of significant change which led to my mother’s unexpected retirement. that day was coming sooner or later and now it just means she’s not in the position to help me anymore and i’m literally going to be on my own. i see it as a positive development however there was some uncertainty as there had been when i left “the show” in 2014 to become a bank teller

* what led to this period is a bit of an interesting story and happened long before my mother was diagnosed with a compound fracture in her hip/thigh area. the real effects of this new situation involved insurance. when my mother’s employer sent a check to pay premiums the insurer sent the check back because that company no longer exists. the new company had their own insurance and insisted on using that instead of paying for what already existed. it resulted in my mother having to scramble to seek further treatment from her hospital when a nursing service called her to say her insurance was cancelled and no nurse would come to the house. so my mother further scrambled to get medicare and then get some form of tweener insurance.

* it finally connects in my mind that it’s more or less all me now. definitely a scary prospect, however, because of my mother’s condition it makes some goals more difficult. for example i’m interested in moving out, however, that plan is tempered by the fact that mother isn’t as mobile as she used to be. another wrinkle is that i may possibly choose to leave home and when i do my mother may choose to sell her house. she doesn’t want to be at home by herself and i really don’t want her to sell off the house.

* in this new era of significant change i have some decisions to make. especially now that i’m about to head into the 2nd half of 2017. the decision i make will allow me to be far more comfortable about even thinking about dating in the future. besides if i get nookie from any prospective woman the last place i’d want to take her is home where my retired mother lives.

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letting go

letting-go

when i started a post entitled letting go, it would’ve been about “the show”. now in this case i can talk about getting some semblance of a love life. it doesn’t exist and it takes energy to get one. so perhaps i need a change of emphasis, pressure, or strategy.

i’ve been trying online dating since joining facebook over a decade ago and connected with the ladies of hillman college. then i’ve tried online dating through happn and tinder with varying results but the main thing no dates. in some cases however i got phone numbers and in another friend them on fb.

i never called the ones who gave me phone numbers and the one i connected with on fb dropped me and cut off all contact. not sure what happened other than i helped her lose interest and all i did was inquire about her employment. more and more i learn that it doesn’t take women much before they decide you’re not the one.

either way i’ve decided that perhaps a change of strategy is necessary. yes last month i met with a matchmaker and she offered some coaching at a discount which i have yet to get back to her on. regardless it represents one change of strategy.

another change has been that my poking and messaging days on fb has to end. that may not mean i may not check out women i work with or also went to hillman on fb. it just means that the mistakes made over the years have built up and perhaps i can’t stay stuck on it much longer.

perhaps i limited the pool so much that now i shouldn’t worry about it and hope that this idea of love will just fall in my lap. of course it won’t unless i’m willing to take a change whenever it comes up and unfortunately i won’t know what to do when it does.

sometimes the focus just has to be on self. i think of myself as a great writer i should just learn to write. perhaps it’s time to get out of the house and live on my own even if it was on a part-time basis – just so that i won’t be that far away from my mother who’s still undergoing treatment for her hip fracture. there are other interests i need to take the time to involve myself with.

with this in mind perhaps i shouldn’t worry about finding her. and whether or not i find that fabled female companion who is surely out there for me i must strive to become that guy. it’s not just for that woman but for yours truly and hopefully for the rest of the world.

so even though we’re two months in 2017, this needs to become a year of monumental change. i said i wanted to go up to at least a supervisor level at my current job. then what else must i do.

2017 can easily become 2014 – another year of great change. question is what do i have to do to get there?

new years goals 2017

goal

financial – i want to continue as much as possible what i have been doing for the past 4+ years. continue to save money once it was between $25 or $50 per paycheck and these days i often save about $75 per paycheck. i also have a 401k so i also resolve to pay attention to those assets which are important for the day i’m ready to retire and i hope that’s years away. if i keep saving i’ll be ready for this next step.

transporation – i’m a creature of public transit and don’t see that changing in the near future as long as i live somewhere with a decent system. one way to be mobile and go places where i want to go that isn’t easily accessible by public transit is to have a car. it’s probably the first investment i can make and hopefully i can find something to pay cash with and hopefully not wipe out a significant amount of my own savings. and this investment i can put forward on another vehicle at the right time.

real estate – to start i would like an apartment this year finally move out on my own but that is only a start. my ultimate goal is to own a home, hopefully several piece of real estate around the city and hopefully in part of town that are expected to grow in the future. one pipe dream in a place with low property values to custom build a home of great architectural significance. but that means i better have some cash put away so that i can afford that.

travel – last year i went to a reunion on the west coast. 2017 hopefully i can find somewhere to go that i’ve never been. just spend a weekend there. as long as i have the financial resources to do that it’s something worth doing.

work – i want to get promoted at work. i have been lucky to have gotten promoted to full-time at my current job in 2015. as of now i want to get into a leadership role and hopefully there are two possible paths whether or not i stick with the grocery store or i go back to the movies. in the latter case i have to return to the company i had worked with for 7 months and it was a great period of time, but due to my schedule i couldn’t do both when i finally quit. time to come up with a good plan for that…

hobbies – i’m big on photography mainly streetscapes and architecture. not only that i like to take video though at this time it’s most on my smartphone. i need to change that and go back to using a real camera or camcorder. hell, i’ve thought about going to my local cable access studios and taking some classes in tv production. it would be cool to take a hobby to another level and share with the general public. perhaps become a side hustle

love – as always it’s a long term goal and few prospects. thing i must figure out is how to change this. while i am a virgin it’s not just sex i want. although i’ve entertained the idea of having sex with a dear friend who cares about me it’s still important to make that connect with a woman who wants to be with me. that’s far more important than to just lose my virginity. of course the main goal is marriage and i hope i can find someone who doesn’t want to waste time in going in front of the justice of the peace for example. perhaps this is something – to find that special woman – that i really want and need to crack. where do i start aside from online dating (which will be the subject of a future post.

happy new year 2017

new-years-resolutionone of the main accomplishments that i’ve noted on this blog fairly often was leaving “the show”. i had been stagnant there and it seems i ran afoul of people who i appeared to have rubbed the wrong way. in some case many of them were just looking for a problem anyway.

but there are plenty of valuable lesson i’ve learned two years after i left. if you have to fight with almost everybody at a job it’s time to go. if pay and job growth is stagnant it’s time to go. if there’s nothing one can to to change one’s position at a job and everyone – especially management – is against you no matter what it’s time to go.

it’s been a great two years my pay has gone up for sure. i’ve really started saving money about six years ago starting with tax refunds. and aside from a few times when i had to pull from savings or overdrawing my checking account i’ve been saving money in earnest for about 4 years. usually with small amounts from paycheck to paycheck.

although with that i missed the boat about 16+ years when when interest rates were much higher than they are now. as of now i have more savings now, than i had when i was getting survivor’s benefits as a minor during & after my senior year of high school.

all the same the more i progress especially in this new year, the more i can progress financially. it’s a long time in coming, but hopefully the best is yet to come. as long as there is that optimism this will be a great year for me.

joyeaux anniversaire

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it’s that time of year again celebrating my birthday. now i really want to take stock of what i want to accomplish in this new year.

so many things to accomplish beyond financial goals. yeah i can always take care of money, but now i need to focus on some more personal goals. it’s my hope to explore those goals as i go forward on this blog.

yeah now i’m much closer to 40, but then so what. life isn’t over it’s still moving forward and hopefully i can accomplish some things before i get over that hump. especially in achieving some of my personal and financial goals.

on the other hand…

two years ago at least two days from my birthday i was fired from the bank. i’ve told that story numerous times on this blog. a few days after my birthday recently i drove through the neighborhood where i formerly worked at that bank.

no new changes other than that branch has closed during the ensuing two years. one night i drove to the hospital where my mother is for the time being and see that the branch is about to be turned into a fried fish establishment. a short-order food place which amazes me somewhat.

a pizza place was nearby when i worked there and that place is gone now. the pizza place had been a bank customer anyway. also nearby is a laundromat is still open.

i consider this one place i’ve been. my first new job since leaving “the show” and it wasn’t a rousing success. indeed this definitely wasn’t the assignment of my choice but during a very frustrating period of time they were the ones who hired me.

but as i consider where i am working now which is back in downtown chicago i see that in this old neighborhood there are some changes. change is of course always good, however, the only change is the tenants of the strip mall where the branch was located. and even then in that neighborhood, there’s still not a lot of action that exists in the downtown area.

at this point i’m not upset that i was unceremoniously dumped from this bank. and i’m not too upset that the branch has closed since i left. just a sign that i achieved one goal after that only short-term set back.