It was a tradition with my father’s brothers and sisters to have a gathering at one of my aunt’s house on Christmas. She was very lively and was heavily involved in church activities. Her cooking was often top notch and most of the family who was available to attend from cousins to her siblings and then even in-laws would come over to eat and socialize. For my part I just stay in a corner and people would often just approach because of course that’s what they were there for.

Well, the last one I attended it was when my mother was getting out of the hospital after getting further treatment for her condition. I didn’t stay as my mother who was waiting in the car probably was advised to avoid gatherings, you know social distancing because of the treatment she had – very much pre-pandemic. While I didn’t speak to anyone other than my aunt that I recall my only purpose was to pick up a plate she fixed for my mother on our way back to our home on that day.

That’s the last one I recall and it’s something that I now realize I took for granted. That aunt I’ve heard this year is beginning to lose it. Her mind just isn’t what it used to be and she is up there in the years. Alas since I’m not always the most sociable, I didn’t always want to be bothered. And there were times she’d lay her sociability very thick and often there was no favorable response from me.

My mother had to tell me some of this is because of my dad’s untimely demise and yes he went to these gatherings but owing to his temperamental nature I’ll bet he didn’t go every year. I get the sense that at some point my dad kept his distance from his family.

I remember we were with another aunt and my dad carried on to the point where she just got out of the car and took a bus home. She got tired of him and I can’t say some of this was his personality or his substance abuse.

Well I took a lot of these things for granted. Here’s hoping you’re cherishing the memories you’re making now! Never take anything for granted as one day it can be taken from you.

I hope you’re having a happy holidays this year.


shallow focus photography of red and white hanging christmas tree decor

I’m thinking about taking the rest of the year off to mark the holiday season, I wanted to fire off a quick post marking some of the important years of this blog. My favorite holiday is not Christmas, but New Years and perhaps one day I should organize a New Years Eve shindig. Either way here goes.

2014 was the year before I started this blog and it was a period of change. Not a great year, but I won’t characterize it as a bad year. In fact there were other years worse than that one. This was the year I got to work on my smile and it was the year I finally changed jobs from “The Show” to the bank. Alas one of those changes didn’t last as I didn’t survive in the banking world. No matter it led to the next year.

2015 started off strong having started my time at “Fresh Foods”. It was a fantastic year that simply saw my income go up further than it had before. When you think about it I had growth as far as income, benefits, and certainly some confidence as I grew in my role. Even had an opportunity to go back to the theater business buoyed by the job I had at “The Hole” which led into the next year…

2016 well a memorable year to say the least. I grew more with additional role at “The Hole”. Had a great vacation made possible by banking my PTO, I wouldn’t have had such a vacation if not for that otherwise it just would’ve been won with no money being made without having to work. Had some opportunities to move up which didn’t pan out, lessons learned and just move onto…

2017 which started out great but ended with a W…T…F? My role grew more however part of what happened was the change in regime at “The Hole”. I’m as responsible for it as anyone else, but it’s another lesson learned. It doesn’t take much for someone to decide they will take something away from you. And the lesson here is don’t be late. Had two interviews right quick which unfortunately didn’t pan out.

2018 it’s funny to look back at this year as it’s just about to close out. It started out with having more free-time on my hands and then back to work at “Fresh Foods” though a different location. The opportunities that opened up for me the previous year have opened again and unfortunately I’ve allowed all of them to pass me by. Regardless I could say this is how the previous year should’ve ended, however got a much different result back then.

2019???? Well obviously that’s up to me. It will be written as it goes along – and especially with fewer detours than in the past hopefully. I would expect any future opportunities socially or work wise will be those I will take advantage of. Just get ready and make some plans. Most importantly just take some chances and learn from them if those chances don’t pan out.

I’m working on some posts for the new year. It will be related to the current job as of now. I may also briefly return to “The Hole” although I’m beginning to have the same feeling about them as I do about “The Show” (it’s no longer my scene). Unlike “The Show” the probability is far more higher that I may return to “The Hole” in future, but hopefully in the right position – whatever that entails.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and always Happy Holidays!


blur bokeh bright burnt

Happy 4th!

Well I’m sure as the month goes on I’ll have more to report as far as the modern day.

I plan to share another story from my senior year of high school. It’s somewhat embarrassing and is a lesson when it comes to an overbearing parent. And I could relate it to the fact that during my junior year of high school my dad finally succumbed to the complications of his alcoholism.

Also I want to give another update on an old friend Anthony. It has been a few months since he tried to get in touch with me. He wished me a happy birthday on my FB page and then made an errant comment which I deleted upon seeing a hotly anticipated film release. It irritated me because he wanted to open up a can of worms that when you think about it really bother him more than it does me. That’s his thing however he feels as if he has to punch through barriers that shouldn’t concern him! So far I haven’t heard much from him again after his odd attempts to get into contact.

Even though I got a reboot with “Fresh Foods” I’m going to get a little trip in this summer. The last time I had been to my parent’s southern hometown was not long after graduating from “Mission College”. Though I’m sorry you won’t see many of them I anticipate taking lots of iPhone videos and photographs. When I have children I can show them their roots and if I’m lucky perhaps I can own some land down there.

Since I was let go from “Fresh” I don’t have as much vacation time accrued. So it’ll be like requesting off from “The Show” I get those days off, but I won’t get paid. It sucks but that’s the situation I’m in, just concerned that I won’t have that paid time off banked to be able to really use it!

All the same as we’re already in roughly the half-way point of summertime some interesting things are going on currently and more to come! How about some Will Smith aka The Fresh Prince.


christmas eve


on my off day i visited my mother and it appears she wasn’t doing great. she apparently got tired of her hospital food and just stopped eating it. she says that she couldn’t swallow it because she just couldn’t force herself to eat the food.

out of the blue when she called me there was a request for a KFC pot pie. i was a little annoyed with that, but what can i do. i unfortunately didn’t know that she hadn’t eaten anything – that was never communicated and i wanted to just go there without any more stops. then she tells me she hasn’t eaten all day and that she was really starving.

i quickly got upset because of all the steps i had to go through to get to her room. security has to check you in and give you a pass and then of course since i have the car i have to drive park and pay for parking. i objected to going through that again especially paying to park even if she gave me cash for it. so anyway i had a little fit because this didn’t fit in with my plans, but was more upset that she just didn’t want to eat the hospital food.

before i arrived at the hospital she called me a few days ago to let me know tentatively she was supposed to have been released on christmas eve. instead it got pushed back to christmas day because over the past three nights she had developed a low grade fever. now they have to investigate that and it keeps her away from home one more night.

oh yeah, she had some junk food in her hospital room. my brother had someone bring some junk food to her and she hadn’t touched it because they brought her such oversized bag she decided it was too much for her and she didn’t need it.

btw, i write this realizing that i’m expressing my own frustration with this current situation. one that is entirely outside of primarily her control, it’s not entirely her fault that she developed a compound fracture in her hip area. at this moment though this is the timeline i’m living in during the course of this holiday season…

holiday season 2012


a very bizarre and bad year was finally ending. some conflicts really came up during the course of the year with a number of young women and a really unhinged crazy older guy. the young women only know their motives maybe they were trying to score some points or maybe it was just their natural inclination to cause conflict and drama. don’t know but 2012 seemed to be a year that attracted those types and they made their moves.

many of them didn’t last the whole year some quit probably tired of the job probably found other opportunities and some got fired. they scored their points and really got nothing for it and moved on. still their effects are still with me to this day even if i never have to see or speak to them ever again.

the older guy was a nutcase who often advertised at least with me his social media video channel. what i saw i didn’t like and unprofessionally began share that non-sense because he kind of irritated me and also found a way to score some social points on me. he had me somewhat confused and upset, but he being who he is still wasn’t in with anyone at the job. however, because of his mentality people actually thought him scary and i was the only one who messed with him.

one problem, i couldn’t always break through to him. my actions which i deeply regret today were to just be outright mean to him because while i tried to be indifferent to him he still like to try to have a conversation with me. i simply wasn’t going for it and he never immediately picked up on it. when i publicly went after him at work it was a show, but it only made him relevant. it also didn’t help when it was often instigated by a mischievous coworker and sometimes i started it regardless it helped me decide that i had everything to lose while he had nothing to gain or lose.

with that episode that is now my conclusion, this lonely and very deranged man was looking for relevance. he behaved like an internet troll and although i knew who he was i gave him the attention he needed. i should’ve just not fed the troll.

for going after him i was rewarded with a number of social media videos that has him mention my name. one got him fired by the end of the summer because he portrayed a superhero who cuts off my head. this is what a deranged person does and it took me going off on him one last time before he got fired and i was the subject of many other videos after that.

to be honest i took me a while to cool off from this. even worse people were wondering why i kept talking about it. they were right i should’ve shut up about it, but i wasn’t smart back then. in fact i would set this as a sign of clear frustration with my role at “the show” and finding myself taking it out on people i worked with. a pattern that didn’t change until i finally left.

also, i may add that those who wanted to look down on me as a person found nothing but excuses. the feud with mr. deranged may have knocked me down a peg in some peoples eyes no matter how i justified it. but there are other reasons but only the ones who engaged in their behaviors towards me know for sure.

this was why i really was looking forward to the management interview i had for a small theater chain. it would’ve been an escape and the interview went well but it wasn’t meant to be. on the surface my time at a premier downtown movie theater with no management experience made it easy for the owner i met with to cut me out of the process.

while it hurt and i dwelled on it for the next two years there were some other issues at play with that company. know that as it unfolded back then it should’ve dulled the pain a little bit during that difficult period of time.

also the house manager – the number 2 guy at the show – decided to “pinch” me for being late. the guy was a dick to be honest and promised to write me up the next day for my excessive tardies, he never did. and because i didn’t like his plan and how he decided to talk so tough I gave an attitude and he also decided to find things to pick about.

by the end of the year i had an interview with a bank that didn’t pan out. i don’t think i gave it my all when it came to a phone screen. but then i figured in the new year there will be other opportunities to find another job. by the end of 2012 there was still no immediate escape for me.

so the one escape i took near the holidays of that year was that i went to another downtown theater in a span of a week i saw two movies. i saw skyfall – james bond – which was something i was looking forward to. then i saw lincoln which was a biopic about abraham lincoln’s legislative campaign to free the slaves. to be honest i nodded off during the early part of that film and that theater was paaacked people really came out for this movie on new years eve.

that spring i paid my first visit there just to check out it – the movie was this means war. a coworker had worked there and said he was fired though he never said what he was fired for. i just decided to check out this facility and it was nice and different. seemingly “the show” seemed somewhat bland in comparison although it had an urban feel to it. the newest hip place to catch a movie compared to this other facility which had been open almost 10 years but still looked great.

to be honest i just wanted to make some comparisons and later on it was to determine if this was somewhere i wanted to work. the theater by my house i saw how they did things then i saw how this other theater did things. then compared that with “the show” just to observe mostly and of course catch a movie.

this established a pattern that lasted until i finally quit the business in fall 2014. instead of taking advantage of free movie tickets i chose to go to another theater to catch a movie. i just saw no reason to catch a show at a place i was finding myself largely at odds with. so when i left this place and had to go back to work at “the show” it was back to reality.

either way after the holidays and after several disappointments with my beginning job search i had to deal with a little more frustration for the next year and 10 months…

holiday odds & ends


i worked on thanksgiving. at the show it would just be a day paid at the regular rate, but at the grocery store it’s a day paid at double time. a five hour shift paid as if i worked ten hours. awesome moving on up in the world! afterwards i caught a movie which is not far from where i work unfortunately it wasn’t a holiday themed movie an action thriller and it was good.

sat around the house the next day just decided to not go anywhere. it was ok and it never occurred to me how dark it gets earlier and earlier. needless to say winter is coming and here in chicago we’ve been spoiled with the nice weather for most of october and november.

saturday guess who i saw – hugs. i never thought i’d write about her again she came by her former store to see her old coworkers with her boyfriend. ahhhhhh, she’s such a sweet young woman if i shot my shot i’d find a way to screw it up. she came to the store around xmas last year and never had the chance to speak this time i did and let her know i missed her. more accurately i missed working with her. she still works with the company at a location in boston.

btw, i applied in november to return to the movies as a worker. supplemental income of course and even though i rarely use it free movie tickets also. perhaps the goal could always be being a manager at a theater the main goal i have right now is to move up in the grocery business. in the meanwhile i can treat the theater gig as just a fun distraction more than anything. even better hopefully a better environment.

this time i applied to the facility near my store. next i may apply to the one that i helped to open last year. i somewhat miss that place but my attendance was shitty there. if i do it, i need to insure that i’ll be able to come to work and this means i have to make some arrangements with my main benefited employers also.

oh yeah i saw one of the managers at the new show on the train. wasn’t in a position to get their attention, but i wonder what would have happened if i did. perhaps i’d indicate my interest in returning in some capacity. that’s a bridge i never crossed unfortunately.



this month i might discuss work more. yeah there may be posts about women or what i hope to accomplish with some of the women i know. but i feel it’s important to discuss work this month.

work seems to have as much of an affect on me as not connecting with her does. at the same time work will help me finally connect with her. it’s one piece of the puzzle but not the only one.

yeah i’ll probably throw around a post or two about the honesty box as i’ve planned to do. still December will be about work and what i’ve done at work and what i hope to accomplish at work.

also my birthday is this month, friend my assumed name account on facebook and wish me a happy birthday :P. i may discuss my goals as i head into another year as a “mid-thirties virgin”. perhaps the next year will be the key to finally connecting with her.

giving thanks


on thanksgiving i consider the fact that at my former job at the cinema i never got paid more to work the holidays. lately at my current employer i had the opportunity to sign up to work the holiday and possibly get double time. if i work any approved holiday i already get time & one-half.

well at the cinema holidays were often portrayed as mandatory you don’t get to decide what days you do or don’t want to work. unfortunately i got scheduled some days i didn’t want to work especially new year’s eve and the countdown at that. then i consider last year when i had no job close to christmas and i was able to enjoy both without worrying about work.

this year i signed up and didn’t get scheduled. that extra cash would’ve been cool, but i didn’t win the lottery. that just means i spent today watching James Bond with my mother as discussed in another post.

also today, i decided to link this blog to a FB account. the account is still under a pseudonym, but i would definitely be flattered if people decided to follow that account. not that it’s necessary since well people follow this blog through wordpress. but i decided it was ok to announce to the world that i’m a virgin although in my own way.

and yes the best courage is doing it under my own name. that will come in due to with the ones i really care about. indeed the ones whom i would trust with this info.