christmas eve

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on my off day i visited my mother and it appears she wasn’t doing great. she apparently got tired of her hospital food and just stopped eating it. she says that she couldn’t swallow it because she just couldn’t force herself to eat the food.

out of the blue when she called me there was a request for a KFC pot pie. i was a little annoyed with that, but what can i do. i unfortunately didn’t know that she hadn’t eaten anything – that was never communicated and i wanted to just go there without any more stops. then she tells me she hasn’t eaten all day and that she was really starving.

i quickly got upset because of all the steps i had to go through to get to her room. security has to check you in and give you a pass and then of course since i have the car i have to drive park and pay for parking. i objected to going through that again especially paying to park even if she gave me cash for it. so anyway i had a little fit because this didn’t fit in with my plans, but was more upset that she just didn’t want to eat the hospital food.

before i arrived at the hospital she called me a few days ago to let me know tentatively she was supposed to have been released on christmas eve. instead it got pushed back to christmas day because over the past three nights she had developed a low grade fever. now they have to investigate that and it keeps her away from home one more night.

oh yeah, she had some junk food in her hospital room. my brother had someone bring some junk food to her and she hadn’t touched it because they brought her such oversized bag she decided it was too much for her and she didn’t need it.

btw, i write this realizing that i’m expressing my own frustration with this current situation. one that is entirely outside of primarily her control, it’s not entirely her fault that she developed a compound fracture in her hip area. at this moment though this is the timeline i’m living in during the course of this holiday season…

holiday season 2012

 

a very bizarre and bad year was finally ending. some conflicts really came up during the course of the year with a number of young women and a really unhinged crazy older guy. the young women only know their motives maybe they were trying to score some points or maybe it was just their natural inclination to cause conflict and drama. don’t know but 2012 seemed to be a year that attracted those types and they made their moves.

many of them didn’t last the whole year some quit probably tired of the job probably found other opportunities and some got fired. they scored their points and really got nothing for it and moved on. still their effects are still with me to this day even if i never have to see or speak to them ever again.

the older guy was a nutcase who often advertised at least with me his social media video channel. what i saw i didn’t like and unprofessionally began share that non-sense because he kind of irritated me and also found a way to score some social points on me. he had me somewhat confused and upset, but he being who he is still wasn’t in with anyone at the job. however, because of his mentality people actually thought him scary and i was the only one who messed with him.

one problem, i couldn’t always break through to him. my actions which i deeply regret today were to just be outright mean to him because while i tried to be indifferent to him he still like to try to have a conversation with me. i simply wasn’t going for it and he never immediately picked up on it. when i publicly went after him at work it was a show, but it only made him relevant. it also didn’t help when it was often instigated by a mischievous coworker and sometimes i started it regardless it helped me decide that i had everything to lose while he had nothing to gain or lose.

with that episode that is now my conclusion, this lonely and very deranged man was looking for relevance. he behaved like an internet troll and although i knew who he was i gave him the attention he needed. i should’ve just not fed the troll.

for going after him i was rewarded with a number of social media videos that has him mention my name. one got him fired by the end of the summer because he portrayed a superhero who cuts off my head. this is what a deranged person does and it took me going off on him one last time before he got fired and i was the subject of many other videos after that.

to be honest i took me a while to cool off from this. even worse people were wondering why i kept talking about it. they were right i should’ve shut up about it, but i wasn’t smart back then. in fact i would set this as a sign of clear frustration with my role at “the show” and finding myself taking it out on people i worked with. a pattern that didn’t change until i finally left.

also, i may add that those who wanted to look down on me as a person found nothing but excuses. the feud with mr. deranged may have knocked me down a peg in some peoples eyes no matter how i justified it. but there are other reasons but only the ones who engaged in their behaviors towards me know for sure.

this was why i really was looking forward to the management interview i had for a small theater chain. it would’ve been an escape and the interview went well but it wasn’t meant to be. on the surface my time at a premier downtown movie theater with no management experience made it easy for the owner i met with to cut me out of the process.

while it hurt and i dwelled on it for the next two years there were some other issues at play with that company. know that as it unfolded back then it should’ve dulled the pain a little bit during that difficult period of time.

also the house manager – the number 2 guy at the show – decided to “pinch” me for being late. the guy was a dick to be honest and promised to write me up the next day for my excessive tardies, he never did. and because i didn’t like his plan and how he decided to talk so tough I gave an attitude and he also decided to find things to pick about.

by the end of the year i had an interview with a bank that didn’t pan out. i don’t think i gave it my all when it came to a phone screen. but then i figured in the new year there will be other opportunities to find another job. by the end of 2012 there was still no immediate escape for me.

so the one escape i took near the holidays of that year was that i went to another downtown theater in a span of a week i saw two movies. i saw skyfall – james bond – which was something i was looking forward to. then i saw lincoln which was a biopic about abraham lincoln’s legislative campaign to free the slaves. to be honest i nodded off during the early part of that film and that theater was paaacked people really came out for this movie on new years eve.

that spring i paid my first visit there just to check out it – the movie was this means war. a coworker had worked there and said he was fired though he never said what he was fired for. i just decided to check out this facility and it was nice and different. seemingly “the show” seemed somewhat bland in comparison although it had an urban feel to it. the newest hip place to catch a movie compared to this other facility which had been open almost 10 years but still looked great.

to be honest i just wanted to make some comparisons and later on it was to determine if this was somewhere i wanted to work. the theater by my house i saw how they did things then i saw how this other theater did things. then compared that with “the show” just to observe mostly and of course catch a movie.

this established a pattern that lasted until i finally quit the business in fall 2014. instead of taking advantage of free movie tickets i chose to go to another theater to catch a movie. i just saw no reason to catch a show at a place i was finding myself largely at odds with. so when i left this place and had to go back to work at “the show” it was back to reality.

either way after the holidays and after several disappointments with my beginning job search i had to deal with a little more frustration for the next year and 10 months…

holiday odds & ends

thanksgiving-day

i worked on thanksgiving. at the show it would just be a day paid at the regular rate, but at the grocery store it’s a day paid at double time. a five hour shift paid as if i worked ten hours. awesome moving on up in the world! afterwards i caught a movie which is not far from where i work unfortunately it wasn’t a holiday themed movie an action thriller and it was good.

sat around the house the next day just decided to not go anywhere. it was ok and it never occurred to me how dark it gets earlier and earlier. needless to say winter is coming and here in chicago we’ve been spoiled with the nice weather for most of october and november.

saturday guess who i saw – hugs. i never thought i’d write about her again she came by her former store to see her old coworkers with her boyfriend. ahhhhhh, she’s such a sweet young woman if i shot my shot i’d find a way to screw it up. she came to the store around xmas last year and never had the chance to speak this time i did and let her know i missed her. more accurately i missed working with her. she still works with the company at a location in boston.

btw, i applied in november to return to the movies as a worker. supplemental income of course and even though i rarely use it free movie tickets also. perhaps the goal could always be being a manager at a theater the main goal i have right now is to move up in the grocery business. in the meanwhile i can treat the theater gig as just a fun distraction more than anything. even better hopefully a better environment.

this time i applied to the facility near my store. next i may apply to the one that i helped to open last year. i somewhat miss that place but my attendance was shitty there. if i do it, i need to insure that i’ll be able to come to work and this means i have to make some arrangements with my main benefited employers also.

oh yeah i saw one of the managers at the new show on the train. wasn’t in a position to get their attention, but i wonder what would have happened if i did. perhaps i’d indicate my interest in returning in some capacity. that’s a bridge i never crossed unfortunately.

December

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this month i might discuss work more. yeah there may be posts about women or what i hope to accomplish with some of the women i know. but i feel it’s important to discuss work this month.

work seems to have as much of an affect on me as not connecting with her does. at the same time work will help me finally connect with her. it’s one piece of the puzzle but not the only one.

yeah i’ll probably throw around a post or two about the honesty box as i’ve planned to do. still December will be about work and what i’ve done at work and what i hope to accomplish at work.

also my birthday is this month, friend my assumed name account on facebook and wish me a happy birthday :P. i may discuss my goals as i head into another year as a “mid-thirties virgin”. perhaps the next year will be the key to finally connecting with her.

giving thanks

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on thanksgiving i consider the fact that at my former job at the cinema i never got paid more to work the holidays. lately at my current employer i had the opportunity to sign up to work the holiday and possibly get double time. if i work any approved holiday i already get time & one-half.

well at the cinema holidays were often portrayed as mandatory you don’t get to decide what days you do or don’t want to work. unfortunately i got scheduled some days i didn’t want to work especially new year’s eve and the countdown at that. then i consider last year when i had no job close to christmas and i was able to enjoy both without worrying about work.

this year i signed up and didn’t get scheduled. that extra cash would’ve been cool, but i didn’t win the lottery. that just means i spent today watching James Bond with my mother as discussed in another post.

also today, i decided to link this blog to a FB account. the account is still under a pseudonym, but i would definitely be flattered if people decided to follow that account. not that it’s necessary since well people follow this blog through wordpress. but i decided it was ok to announce to the world that i’m a virgin although in my own way.

and yes the best courage is doing it under my own name. that will come in due to with the ones i really care about. indeed the ones whom i would trust with this info.