man in white dress shirt holding suit jacket

What if it’s possible to remake your image? And it doesn’t matter how old you are it just matters that you’re determined to make some changes.

I like to think everything isn’t set in stone. What if you can make changes to your lifestyle? What if you can make changes to your attitude?

If people hold you to what you used to do when you were younger, does this mean you disassociate? I’ve had to do this with someone I knew, knowing among other things that they have the tendency to bring things from the past to the forefront. It’s is as if today doesn’t matter, past actions matters more and remains part of the discussion.

What prompted this was that a coworker asked about the ride I have one day at work recently. I want you all to know I don’t own my own vehicle, however, it’s one of my long term goals. Still I sort of bs’d and claimed the vehicle was mine instead of admitting that it’s my mother’s car. Yep, I lied no one needs to know my situation at the same time I’ve learned that once someone learns the truth they get a kick out of calling you out on it! It’s often temporary though very unsettling in the moment.

Then I thought about it. What if it was part of my image? I don’t have to stick strictly with humility per se as I already buy luxury brands. For example most of my shoes wouldn’t be considered value brands, nor would most of my attire. Also my tech, they’re not value tech unless you consider some of my devices that were bought refurbished.

Perhaps for most of my life I cared very little about upholding my image. The hard part is that upholding an image is hard work. It’s even harder work if you’re creating an image that doesn’t hold up because you created it and it’s not real. Still if you want to change your image you have to believe it and it shouldn’t be a mirage because if it is no one else will believe it.

No I don’t own a vehicle, but I will. Nope that vehicle may not necessarily be a luxury car, however, it will be mine. Perhaps one day I will own a luxury vehicle. As most things in life it’s always a work in progress. Time to put in the work.


man wearing sunglasses reading book on body of water

Today’s post, I thought about this time back during my senior year of high school. I had a young woman in class named Mo who saw that I was reading and expressed interest in a book I was reading.

Mo: Hey! Jack! What book are you reading?

Yours truly: *gets distracted*

– Seconds later –

Mo: Jack! What book are you reading?

YT: *gets distracted*

Oh yes, how did I get distracted. Well easy answer aside from the commotion of high school students is that I had already decided once she got her answer the eyes were going to glaze over and she wouldn’t know or have any interest in the book I was reading. Yeah I saw this coming Mo was our class valedictorian, but from my perspective at our high school it means almost beans. With her as the no. 1 student in my senior class I didn’t view her as particularly smart. If there was anything about her she probably knew what to do to get the grades she came to class did the work and probably was more incurious about the world than I was.

I believe she planned to become an attorney, and unfortunately since we are connected on fb – with no real interactions between us honestly – she fell far short. Not to talk about her negatively, but she did what you might expect someone to do years after they graduate from high school. She got into relationships and if not got married she had children. She probably went to college and dropped out. I found some listings of her at “Hillman College” some time before I arrived on the scene nearby at “Mission College”. So I missed her by no less than two years and again she dropped out although she did attend my community college which, she probably didn’t finish there either.

I suppose if I got into her business – needlessly might I add – her situation may not be that much different from my own at a young age. Had the ambition but no idea how to get there. And perhaps for her more so than me, lacked the drive or even the will to get where she wants to go. I have no idea if she ever finished college, but I would expect that at 18 it was her goal and it seems she never quite got there. Then again I have no idea so anyway let’s round that long ago inquiry up…

Mo: Jack! What book are you reading?

YT: Primary Colors

Mo: *eyes glazes over* ok

I’m sure in her mind if she thinks of primary colors – hopefully she paid attention during art class – it’s probably blue, red, or yellow. What she may have failed to find out that the book I had been reading was based on the 1992 Democratic primaries. It’s ripe with political intrigue and infidelities like the real life personalities the book was based on. Too bad she chose not to follow-up since it seemed she was just determined to get an answer to an inquiry she really had no real interest in. Almost reminds me of some of the young women I met at “The Show”, say like a Candice the behavior could indicate a need for attention and once they get it they’re good. And if they didn’t well there’s a problem.

Chances are – as I could honestly go on and on about a subject that interests me – if I explained the premise of the book she still wouldn’t be that interested. I suppose for a lot of the people I went to school with years ago, what interests me may not interest them. Perhaps if I had interest in science fiction like Star Wars it would be a small amount who went to high school with me that would have the interest. Science fiction is for nerds when we need to get with the cool pop culture of the late 1990s from gangster rap to gangster movies to well you name it. Whatever the so-called cool crowd was into.

And to break it down further how many young women I would’ve met back in high school shared some of my interests. It would be hard to find one into Star Wars – or resort to calling me a geek because she had no interest in it. It would be hard still that I could find one who was into pro-wrestling or even computers – not that I would expect any woman who’d have the interest in computers I did at the time. Most young women probably knew that the young men were into sports and many if they wanted a boyfriend had to resign themselves to that reality. I just suspect that many of them would be generally dismissive if a man had some outside interests or hobbies other than them.

I’m probably speaking to the choir on this, but in analyzing some of the women I had worked with over the years – especially the rambunctious young teenaged and twenty-something women at “The Show – I realize they have no idea about relationships with men. Most of this is owed to age – and conversely men have not a lot of ideas about relationships with women other than the sexual. And again if you want more than just sex then you want a relationship and you have to learn to keep someone around to make it work.

Of course if you choose to bicker with or dismiss the interests of your partner for no good reason then what do you expect when they decide to leave. It’s something even with my lack of experience in relationship that I struggle with. I want a woman who’d have some interest in what I’m into and hopefully I can reciprocate that. What I would find absolutely ugly is a woman who seems to have contempt for what I’m interested in. My philosophy if you want to be with someone it definitely helps if you’re willing to share their interests.



Heh, you know this post could be about finding out what works. Believe it or not I have gotten phone numbers off dating apps. Mostly I’ve been texting with the women and usually nothing pans out. I seem reticent to even ask for dates or even to call these women up. Though as of late I’ve gotten some play with younger women say about 19, 21 or 23.

I’ve taken an interest in a 19 year old girl more recently although she says she isn’t always on the app. I was persistent enough to get a response from her and thankfully she hasn’t cut ties yet – though this means nothing since she could always choose to not respond to me even if she hadn’t unmatched me. Anyway she and a number of other young women on Tinder has thrown this word at me, sugar daddy.

Ah remember that I looked into that and said this wasn’t the strategy for me. I’m nowhere near the income level to become anyone’s sugar daddy. I don’t yet earn six-figures or more to even think I can afford these girls who only want to look at dollar $igns. They want to look fab with nice hair, clothes, shoes, phones and of course taking care of their nails. Sorry young women I’m just not going to be that guy….

Of course I have my idea on how to sidestep that – yeah I may have a high fail rate with this. Perhaps I can be that man who can treat them well whether or not these girls are 18-19-21 or even in their 30s. Maybe I need a woman who’s largely established herself more than anything at this point, however, why not play with these young girls who don’t yet know what they want yet.

Of course why do I expect a fail rate, because some of these girls aren’t yet looking for a guy to treat them well. When you’re young and having fun the last thing that these young people are thinking about is being serious with anyone. They probably aren’t think about marriage and family I would dare say they may not even be thinking about school. With my experience it was something even I took for granted going to school since it was just so expected. If a girl is under the age of 25 she hasn’t figured things out yet to the extend that I probably would like to. I didn’t have it all figured out at 25, actually still haven’t.

I suppose on this front the way I see it, if I spend money on any woman my goal is to keep her. The catch 22 is I can spend all the money I want on her, however, even this won’t be enough. Perhaps I don’t give her enough attention, perhaps I’m too old, perhaps she’s decided I don’t make enough money, etc. Who knows what they excuse could be although I could figure out how to stick them with all the bills if they want to get rid of me!

Though I want to admit that it’s only fairly recently that I began to amass my resources with the job at “Fresh Foods”. Benefits in addition to higher wages, and perhaps in spite of my current situation – which I will continue to update you all – some growth I could continue to make more money and amass more resources. And most of this is mostly benefits yours truly, that’s the only person the resources should benefit. Of course anyone who wants to be part of my ride they can be part of it and it won’t be an “arrangement” for their benefit without me getting something in return.

Though that the thing about sugar babies, they want a man to give and give nothing in return. I’ve met people like this in high school and at “The Show” – I can’t characterize most of them as sugar babies but the mentality isn’t much different. Regardless many of these sugar babies don’t recognize it until their sugar daddy tries to go for something that they were expected to receive anyway.

If you’re asking me how yours truly could handle this situation, all that can be said is that I haven’t figured it all out yet. A young girl over the age of 18 is unsure of herself and I wouldn’t mind being that older man who could show her how she should be taken care of. Then again I realize that I also have to learn – remember my inexperience. My theory on these many women on Tinder is that they may not entirely know how to relate to men and they know men – especially young men their age – have needs. Those needs will ultimately intersect, however, they will have relationships at some point so that’s something they have to learn to navigate without any unreasonable expectations.



sometimes i still consider the case of candace. i haven’t seen that young woman in almost five years. she takes up some space on this blog and more so than any woman  for whom i’ve expressed no interest in reciprocation to any interest she may have had in me.

i recognize now that i engaged in some behaviors which were just as easily off putting to her as i thought them clever. my sarcasm and my obliviousness drove her away. i guess there was a part of me that wanted to continue to dish my own “punishment” until she gave up.

for her part she fell in to her “kliq” of that period such as my one-off foe of that time who proved to have some allies in a number of places at “the show”. if she was the one who could have made some difference for me during that very tense time i definitely blew it even if i would never truly reciprocate her attention.

i also recognize that due to what i saw as her aggressiveness it was possible she had her own agenda and it never benefited me. of course this could be one of the “what ifs” of my story, but if i did give in to her attention is it possible that this would’ve been more gossip. chances are in dealing with the kids that worked at the theater at that time there was gossip anyway whether i took my shot or not.

what i consider is that a girl of about 19 or 20 – she could be slightly older or younger – had been seeking male attention. she may not have really wanted to have any type of serious relationship. she just wanted attention and it’s possible ignoring or rejection wasn’t acceptable. my response to her – as it had been then – was not very good and while i held the guise of it being entertaining to me it was truly a problem for her. or it became a problem for her until she stopped showing any response to my behavior.

sometimes i consider how oblivious i can be to women who want to give me the attention. unfortunately it’s not often that women give me attention and besides for the most part in our society women are being pursued not the pursuers. however if a pursued women likes the attention she can always encourage or discourage it if she doesn’t and sometimes the distinction becomes funny if she somehow decides whether or not she likes the person giving the attention.

sometimes i wonder if from some available woman, i missed the mark. it doesn’t matter if it’s candace, missy – which seems very unlikely, mary, becky, regina, janice, nicole, or even elise. i never got comfortable or even knew how to respond to any woman who expressed their own interest in me. and perhaps at the same time i find a way to be suspicious of it.

it makes me wonder if something is going on upstairs where i can’t help but hurt myself when it comes to women.

honesty box kissing


Here is one example of an honesty box convo that I’ve had. As I comb through the archives of my past messages, there will be more in the future. Hopefully more “sexual” in content although probably not entirely exciting.

you said,
Can I get some sugar off of those nice lips?

they said,
lol……that depends….

you said,
You need to know who I am? Or does it depend on if you like me or not? Or do I have to be tall dark and handsome?

they said,
i would like to know who you are…lol

you said,
I would LOVE to tell you, but I know I won’t get a kiss. 😛

they said,
how do you figure?

you said,
We live in two separate cities and to give a guy you may not know a kiss would require a road trip.

they said,
what city u live in?

you said,
In in ATL right now.

they said,
do we know each other?  y u wanna kiss me?  lol….

you said,
Nah, we don’t although we are “facebook friends”. As for the why, well aside for the fact that you seem to have nice lips, I just wanted to ask.

they said,
Whats ur name friend?

you said,
Let’s just say that you’ve heard from me from time to time. I may lay a compliment here and there. 🙂

they said,
oh…c’mon….i need another hint…

you said,
Would you want to know a strange guy who started off asking for a kiss? lol!!!

they said,
quit stalling and tell me who u are! lol

you said,
What if I sent you a message with my name on it? I’d do it anyway just to you know not keep stalling, but would it get me that kiss or what would happen? lol

they said,
still waiting for you to tell me who you are…you can write it in a note, on my wall….just tell me! lol

you said,
I don’t strive to make this type of thing public so it’ll have to be a Facebook message. You must want to give a kiss away don’t you. LOL!

they said,
i just wanna know who wants a kiss……then we can go from there…lol..send me a message

you said,
Sounds good. 🙂

they said,

With that being said, I can’t say for certain how this ultimately concluded. I’d have to do some digging and figure this out. It’s entirely possible that nothing came of this and this young lady never found out who wanted to lock lips with her.


img_0009 I’ve been on the wrong side of a crush on occasion and knowing someone else is going through that is cringe worthy. I could tell you nothing but horror stories about my crushes. Especially the ones where ultimately it either blew up in my face or we just weren’t going to get along anyway.

Tonight one of my coworkers noted that interaction between two lesbians at the job one a manager the other just a worker.  That sounds like all forms of trouble on its face. It’s clear whether or not the manager is single she isn’t going for it and the worker is keeping on with her.

So there is going to be another talk about respect issues here. We’ve already have it and over a variety of issues whether or not I know exactly what they are. In this case I can see this one potentially escalating. Let’s hope not though.

In this case I have no plans on paying much attention to it. I’m choosing to stay out of it whether it’s two women, two men, or a man & woman. It’s something I need to stay far away from and it could get ugly very quick.

In the meanwhile any unrequited crushes on any woman at work or otherwise will have to remain in my mind. Any potential affair will just remain stuck in my very sensual imagination.



on fb, i’ve been talking to this young woman who also went to the all girl’s college next to mine (just like janice, carina, & nicole). ok let’s give her a name jennifer. she’s one of the many i’ve connected with over the years online although sadly no time or anything to develop. well some of that is on me as much as on her.

regardless sometimes i go through her fb profile and noticed some things. she’s not necessarily obese, however, she is clearly a big girl height wise or weight wise. looking back through that convo we talked about her taking up an exotic sport that is popular outside of the US. it’s apparently helping her lose some weight but otherwise she could be someone i was interested.

we’ve been talking about a number of things such as my time in school, when i graduated, her goals, her hometown – and mine. we talked about a locally owned popcorn store that moved to the town where our respective colleges are located. we talked about our respective majors.

i never told her that i work in retail, however, she noted that she is getting a PhD in a STEM field. exactly what i hope to find a smart and educated woman. the question is is she for me and i have one potential answer to discuss with that.

btw, she noted she had been in my part of the country for a conference presumably for her field. i’m so tempted to say next time she’s up here to “holla” at me. although the point where i should’ve said that has passed up. not sure when i should insert that.

for the record i do like a beautiful, shapely, & voluptuous woman. If she’s got the right curves in the right places then i can be attracted to her physically. the question becomes whether or not she’s attracted to me. and whether or not she’s got some other things her than her physical attributes that would attract me.


kwhen it comes to my awkward dealings with women i have an interest i always look for signs or signals. the main signal must be favorable to me or otherwise i have a hard time deciding whether or not she wants me. when it comes to waiting for such signals i’ve been burned before.

that being said over the years i have proven to be very oblivious to whatever signals a woman may send. look no further than my story about candace, the signals were there and i chose to remain oblivious. that’s  not the only one, but it’s said only in 20/20 hindsight.

whether or not i get the “go-ahead” signal from a woman the issue with me is how to proceed. with some women all i can do is still screw something up and she’ll lose interest. my experience has been that it doesn’t take long for her to lose interest. you’ll get nothing from her at all if she has none.

my thing when it comes to women is that well you never know if any signals of interest is all in your head. look no further than becky. some of her behavior and what she told me about her “guy-friend” may just be signals that are all in my head.

and yes i am considering the comment made by the unfortunate virgin.

if she talks about her guy friend it may mean no interest. of course even then there is a context, is she serious with him? alas i may not have all the data to determine that. even worse there are those women who would play fast and loose with whether or not they’re with someone. this is something i would want to be careful with.

another thing i have experienced with women is that sometimes the signal i think i see may just be in my head. perhaps i think she wants me to make my move, then i make it and then she shuts down on me. she’s not interested and there’s little i can do to change that response.

then the other thing is if you take too long to make a move, it makes it easier for her to move on. in some cases she may just be pissed that you didn’t make your move on her. more or less how dare you not get in on this action.

man this romance/sex business is a difficult thing to manage. so many variables, personalities, or even thoughts. sometimes normal logic doesn’t even prevail. perhaps i’m not chasing the right ones…

Porn pt. 2 – NSFW

Heads up the pic below is not safe for work (NSFW). Just a random picture of a porn legend named Midori taking one up the pooper. Often the kind of porn I want to see. Feel free to check out part one which also has a NSFW pic… Continue reading