oblivious

denial

sometimes i still consider the case of candace. i haven’t seen that young woman in almost five years. she takes up some space on this blog and more so than any woman  for whom i’ve expressed no interest in reciprocation to any interest she may have had in me.

i recognize now that i engaged in some behaviors which were just as easily off putting to her as i thought them clever. my sarcasm and my obliviousness drove her away. i guess there was a part of me that wanted to continue to dish my own “punishment” until she gave up.

for her part she fell in to her “kliq” of that period such as my one-off foe of that time who proved to have some allies in a number of places at “the show”. if she was the one who could have made some difference for me during that very tense time i definitely blew it even if i would never truly reciprocate her attention.

i also recognize that due to what i saw as her aggressiveness it was possible she had her own agenda and it never benefited me. of course this could be one of the “what ifs” of my story, but if i did give in to her attention is it possible that this would’ve been more gossip. chances are in dealing with the kids that worked at the theater at that time there was gossip anyway whether i took my shot or not.

what i consider is that a girl of about 19 or 20 – she could be slightly older or younger – had been seeking male attention. she may not have really wanted to have any type of serious relationship. she just wanted attention and it’s possible ignoring or rejection wasn’t acceptable. my response to her – as it had been then – was not very good and while i held the guise of it being entertaining to me it was truly a problem for her. or it became a problem for her until she stopped showing any response to my behavior.

sometimes i consider how oblivious i can be to women who want to give me the attention. unfortunately it’s not often that women give me attention and besides for the most part in our society women are being pursued not the pursuers. however if a pursued women likes the attention she can always encourage or discourage it if she doesn’t and sometimes the distinction becomes funny if she somehow decides whether or not she likes the person giving the attention.

sometimes i wonder if from some available woman, i missed the mark. it doesn’t matter if it’s candace, missy – which seems very unlikely, mary, becky, regina, janice, nicole, or even elise. i never got comfortable or even knew how to respond to any woman who expressed their own interest in me. and perhaps at the same time i find a way to be suspicious of it.

it makes me wonder if something is going on upstairs where i can’t help but hurt myself when it comes to women.

honesty box kissing

p.txt

Here is one example of an honesty box convo that I’ve had. As I comb through the archives of my past messages, there will be more in the future. Hopefully more “sexual” in content although probably not entirely exciting.

you said,
Can I get some sugar off of those nice lips?

they said,
lol……that depends….

you said,
You need to know who I am? Or does it depend on if you like me or not? Or do I have to be tall dark and handsome?

they said,
i would like to know who you are…lol

you said,
I would LOVE to tell you, but I know I won’t get a kiss. 😛

they said,
how do you figure?

you said,
We live in two separate cities and to give a guy you may not know a kiss would require a road trip.

they said,
what city u live in?

you said,
In in ATL right now.

they said,
do we know each other?  y u wanna kiss me?  lol….

you said,
Nah, we don’t although we are “facebook friends”. As for the why, well aside for the fact that you seem to have nice lips, I just wanted to ask.

they said,
Whats ur name friend?

you said,
Let’s just say that you’ve heard from me from time to time. I may lay a compliment here and there. 🙂

they said,
oh…c’mon….i need another hint…

you said,
Would you want to know a strange guy who started off asking for a kiss? lol!!!

they said,
quit stalling and tell me who u are! lol

you said,
What if I sent you a message with my name on it? I’d do it anyway just to you know not keep stalling, but would it get me that kiss or what would happen? lol

they said,
still waiting for you to tell me who you are…you can write it in a note, on my wall….just tell me! lol

you said,
I don’t strive to make this type of thing public so it’ll have to be a Facebook message. You must want to give a kiss away don’t you. LOL!

they said,
i just wanna know who wants a kiss……then we can go from there…lol..send me a message

you said,
Sounds good. 🙂

they said,
lol

With that being said, I can’t say for certain how this ultimately concluded. I’d have to do some digging and figure this out. It’s entirely possible that nothing came of this and this young lady never found out who wanted to lock lips with her.

Crush

img_0009 I’ve been on the wrong side of a crush on occasion and knowing someone else is going through that is cringe worthy. I could tell you nothing but horror stories about my crushes. Especially the ones where ultimately it either blew up in my face or we just weren’t going to get along anyway.

Tonight one of my coworkers noted that interaction between two lesbians at the job one a manager the other just a worker.  That sounds like all forms of trouble on its face. It’s clear whether or not the manager is single she isn’t going for it and the worker is keeping on with her.

So there is going to be another talk about respect issues here. We’ve already have it and over a variety of issues whether or not I know exactly what they are. In this case I can see this one potentially escalating. Let’s hope not though.

In this case I have no plans on paying much attention to it. I’m choosing to stay out of it whether it’s two women, two men, or a man & woman. It’s something I need to stay far away from and it could get ugly very quick.

In the meanwhile any unrequited crushes on any woman at work or otherwise will have to remain in my mind. Any potential affair will just remain stuck in my very sensual imagination.

connection

tumblr_inline_npgl40qT9j1r2kypv_540

on fb, i’ve been talking to this young woman who also went to the all girl’s college next to mine (just like janice, carina, & nicole). ok let’s give her a name jennifer. she’s one of the many i’ve connected with over the years online although sadly no time or anything to develop. well some of that is on me as much as on her.

regardless sometimes i go through her fb profile and noticed some things. she’s not necessarily obese, however, she is clearly a big girl height wise or weight wise. looking back through that convo we talked about her taking up an exotic sport that is popular outside of the US. it’s apparently helping her lose some weight but otherwise she could be someone i was interested.

we’ve been talking about a number of things such as my time in school, when i graduated, her goals, her hometown – and mine. we talked about a locally owned popcorn store that moved to the town where our respective colleges are located. we talked about our respective majors.

i never told her that i work in retail, however, she noted that she is getting a PhD in a STEM field. exactly what i hope to find a smart and educated woman. the question is is she for me and i have one potential answer to discuss with that.

btw, she noted she had been in my part of the country for a conference presumably for her field. i’m so tempted to say next time she’s up here to “holla” at me. although the point where i should’ve said that has passed up. not sure when i should insert that.

for the record i do like a beautiful, shapely, & voluptuous woman. If she’s got the right curves in the right places then i can be attracted to her physically. the question becomes whether or not she’s attracted to me. and whether or not she’s got some other things her than her physical attributes that would attract me.

signals

kwhen it comes to my awkward dealings with women i have an interest i always look for signs or signals. the main signal must be favorable to me or otherwise i have a hard time deciding whether or not she wants me. when it comes to waiting for such signals i’ve been burned before.

that being said over the years i have proven to be very oblivious to whatever signals a woman may send. look no further than my story about candace, the signals were there and i chose to remain oblivious. that’s  not the only one, but it’s said only in 20/20 hindsight.

whether or not i get the “go-ahead” signal from a woman the issue with me is how to proceed. with some women all i can do is still screw something up and she’ll lose interest. my experience has been that it doesn’t take long for her to lose interest. you’ll get nothing from her at all if she has none.

my thing when it comes to women is that well you never know if any signals of interest is all in your head. look no further than becky. some of her behavior and what she told me about her “guy-friend” may just be signals that are all in my head.

and yes i am considering the comment made by the unfortunate virgin.

if she talks about her guy friend it may mean no interest. of course even then there is a context, is she serious with him? alas i may not have all the data to determine that. even worse there are those women who would play fast and loose with whether or not they’re with someone. this is something i would want to be careful with.

another thing i have experienced with women is that sometimes the signal i think i see may just be in my head. perhaps i think she wants me to make my move, then i make it and then she shuts down on me. she’s not interested and there’s little i can do to change that response.

then the other thing is if you take too long to make a move, it makes it easier for her to move on. in some cases she may just be pissed that you didn’t make your move on her. more or less how dare you not get in on this action.

man this romance/sex business is a difficult thing to manage. so many variables, personalities, or even thoughts. sometimes normal logic doesn’t even prevail. perhaps i’m not chasing the right ones…