Why I had to go my own way?

You know I don’t really know how you might view my writings of women. Based upon say my stories of my dealings with women I would wonder if you’ve concluded that I just don’t do well with them.

Were there some situations that could’ve blossomed into something? Perhaps there were and for the right reasons. Definitely not because the woman in question chased me down. I could also note I’ve had someone essentially chase me down and it was more of an ordeal than I realized in the long run which didn’t involve a woman just a man who decided to be a “father figure“.

There were some situations where I was just a brick wall and one woman’s attempt to break it down was to keep trying. Strangely enough in their exercise in some form of futility it fell short and regardless I get looked at as a guy who blew it. Definitely not as a guy who knew what he wanted and whom he wanted do anything with.

I could say there were situations that I read wrong and it just didn’t go very well. It was a brick wall for me and there was very little I could do about it. I suppose if some woman became determined to say “Oh hell no” to yours truly there was no amount of charm I could utilize to really turn it around.

I’ve realized how strange attraction is. It just doesn’t take much for a woman to just decide she’s not into someone. So back when I was young and figuring out how to connect (some could say I won’t try) I knew it didn’t take much for a woman to just move on. I had to be told belatedly that some young women (say teenaged girls) will just flock to a man who gives them attention. At the same time they give the go ahead signals to the ones they want to approach them.

So I just want to say, that as far as going my own way it’s less about how I think women are just terrible creatures only worthy of scorn. I’m just trying to lessen the pressure of wanting wife and kids, my thinking now is it will happen when it happens. As far as getting that better job with six figures it’s something I do have to make a play for and finding that good woman isn’t much different. Both are hard and perhaps one is much harder than the other.

Regardless I’ve not given up yet, but realize that I’m still that overgrown teenaged boy who hadn’t much success with the opposite sex. Perhaps I’m stunted by what it takes for a woman to pay attention to you, and scary still is the woman who does after years of trying. The question that could pop into my mind when the unthinkable happens is, “What next?”

Then again who thought the Cubs would finally win a world series by now…

Don Jon

Don Jon

Don Jon

This isn’t a huge secret, even though I worked at a theater I still chose to go elsewhere and pay to watch a movie. It was something that a certain character found a reason to chide me for, however, I chose going to other theaters as opposed to supporting the one I worked for. At one point in time this is what I chose to do and based upon my own treatment at a job as time went on.

With this said, one year one of the movies I saw on my off day away from The Show was Don Jon which was the directorial debut of it’s star in the title role Joseph Gordon-Leavitt. It featured a young man who goes to confession, goes to the club with his boys, and loves women. However an important feature of this movie is that he likes to watch porn.

During the course of this picture Jon engages in sexual relations with three women. The first two – one of whom becomes his girlfriend – he ducks out of bed to watch porn as he’s still unsatisfied after having sex with them. One girl was a one-night stand so, probably understandable, the other his girlfriend well now we see the start of trouble in paradise.

The girlfriend named Barbara has a very defined idea of what a man is to her. She’s willing to try to turn Jon into that man. For example she encourages him to leave his service job and attend classes at a local college where ironically he meets the next woman Esther whom he becomes intimate with later and ultimately is the next girlfriend. The porn she caught him watching and ultimately decides to leave him over once he lies to her about it became a sticking point.

Bottom line is that Barbara as his girlfriend doesn’t fulfill him the way the milf he meets at the college eventually does. Barbara doesn’t even like the fact that he’s happy cleaning his own pad deeming it as not sexy. Jon acquiesces to this, but essentially she’s turning him into something he probably wouldn’t recognize. He eventually realizes that his view of sex and relationships with women in addition to Barbara’s re-engineering is only proving to be one-sided.

Barbara is the type who believes a man should give up everything for his woman. She doesn’t have to give much in return. Perhaps that’s why I’m hesitant to involve myself with women who will be the one who’ll give as much as I would want to give. Perhaps I myself am self-centered when it comes to relationships. In my inexperience, I don’t know what I’d have to give up to be in a relationship (and yes I know one thing I could say goodbye to my own freedom which I’ve only begun to appreciate now).

With this said, Esther is a milf who finally satisfies Jon who finds that he doesn’t need porn for gratification. He had to learn from Esther that satisfaction has to be mutual it can’t be one sided. Crudely put a man can’t just give a woman the “D” and not put in much work. On the other hand a woman can’t just lay there and take it and think that’s all there is. Both the man and the woman have to satisfy each other.

It’s funny that even as a virgin, I can see the point of this. It was apparent to Jon’s sister what Barbara was trying to do it brings the point home of the ways Jon was unfulfilled. And it’s interesting that it took an older woman who suffered her own tragedies to realize the folly of his relationships with women.

Perhaps, the day I find that woman who satisfies me in more ways than one – not just sexually of course – is the day I think I found someone worth while. Too bad to find this fabled women only could get very difficult as time beats on.

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Valentine’s

statue church amor cupid

Cupid

You know the purpose of this post is yours truly coming to the realization that he’s never been in love. Then again you should’ve know that already, it’s no big secret. Evidently it’s painfully obvious with some of the stories I’ve written on this blog where I haven’t done very well with available women over the years.

More accurately I haven’t done very well with available young women during my years in school – which could include K-12, community college, and then “Mission College”. I could also point out my issues with the young women whom I worked with. In writing this blog I realize there were some changes that needed to be made although, it seems I’m easily distracted.

The question is why has yours truly never been in love. It’s not like I’m a man on a mission as it seems I can’t help but stumble into situations. It’s not like I really had some grandplan since I was in kindergarten to take over the world and remake it in my image.

The main reason why this idea of “love” has eluded me in my life is because I simply expected it to happen. It’s like becoming a mgr at “The Show” it just didn’t happen. What I never learned is that to get the woman of your dreams you have to plant the seeds. In reality perhaps I never really learned the idea of game or seduction or otherwise just engaging a woman who truly interests me. And on top of that she has to be interested in me also.

I suppose it’s late in the game for me to really try to learn about relationships with the “fair sex”, however, it’s a weird dynamic. One role model should’ve been my parents and sadly their relationship just wasn’t the best that I have seen while they were together. My brother figured it out eventually he went through some changes when he was out courting.

What I realize is that it’s a wonderful thing to truly have someone who you love and loves you back. It’s a wonderful feeling that you’re in love with someone and they’re also in love with you. And perhaps with adult relationships their is always more to it than the simplicity I try to associate with them, however, I’ve never experienced this.

If only real life could be like Hollywood’s most popular romance pictures. I should’ve learned with some of my more awful attempts at connecting with women that it’s just not easy. Especially for a n00b like myself.

Not to depress you all, but I do hope you all had a wonderful Valentine’s Day and especially if you’re marking the occasion with someone you care about…

The sadness of living without sex

couple under garden arch surrounded with flowers

Found this BBC article from last year where some adult virgins as old as 61 to as young as 26. One guy just turn 40 in that article and finally found himself a girlfriend.

I hate to view living without sex as a sad condition. Just shows how we all desire to be wanted, but for some reason or another it just hasn’t happened. If it’s not sex it’s just love which is what I seek not just sex.

This article was yet inspired by an 60ish man who was a widower and had sex for the first time later in his life. What I can say for him is he at least experienced love & sex. Though I’m sorry to know that he’s a widower…

Oh and stay tuned, I got a post about love coming up hopefully next month. The month of Valentine’s day unless of course someone wants it out sooner! 😛

Straying

You know I should have more to say about this. A site where people can pursue infidelities. Even took a survey at this place and got accepted.

Problem is as a single male virgin is this an option to pursue. I’d feel quite dirty and I’d want a lasting connection (which ought to be the subject of a post in the future). Hard to have one with someone who is already attached and it would be hard for me to even consider dating a woman who already has a family. It seems like the type of drama I’d rather avoid.

Anyway other than the internal dialogue I have express with you, the article in fact talks about why more women these days are straying. Having known men who chase p*$sy and never seem to seek a lasting relationship with women I think I’d have a hard time respecting anyone who is willing to cheat on their “partners”.

Amber Rose to Her Virgin Pal: ‘Sometimes You Just Want to Get Slaughtered’

amber-rose-bikini-pics

However, Dr. Chris doesn’t think that ‘virgin’ is an accurate description for the guy.

Source: Amber Rose to Her Virgin Pal: ‘Sometimes You Just Want to Get Slaughtered’

I haven’t heard this podcast, but I just have to say if i had Amber Rose as a friend my imagination would run wild. I respect that this guy wants to wait until marriage to experience sex, but if only I had some of that oral experience Ms. Rose’s friend has. I missed out big time.

chronicles

….of a 20ish virgin.

i think this will be a series of posts in no particular order. i may talk about women i’ve attempted to speak to or even the ones who tried to speak to me. especially when i was between 20 and 29. of course as happens on this blog i may get lost on other things such as work history or parental relationships for example.

COMMUNITY_COLLEGE

my early twenties had been spent at a community college since i graduated from high school. to be honest i had no plan for life after graduation other than my family’s expectation that i should go to college.

i enrolled at one of chicago’s community colleges and basically was average. somehow  i still had been accepted to a relatively prestigious liberal-arts college in georgia with a similar all-girls school across the street. my acceptance to that school would come the next spring.

anyway there wasn’t much action on the women front. there were a precious few women i could have asked out. especially the ones i went to class with but i was unwilling to shoot my shot. precious few still gave me any attention even if i deep down wanted it.

one semester i got a phone number – a hand written note – from a young woman i’ll refer to as carrie. carrie made a presentation in our social science class about living in public housing and some of the experiences she had. one notable part of this story was that she witnessed oral sex out in the open between people at her development.

another part of the story is that she had been touched by some of the violence that occurs in public housing. for example a high profile murder occurred and she knew the mother who lost her son to the violence. i thought it sounded as if the gang was targeting the mother but instead hit her son.

well it took me a few months to shoot my shot with carrie. and i finally did at the college library. that was at the end of the semester and i had my eye on her and she knew it. for the most part i was just uncomfortable with taking my shot but i took it.

oh yes to describe carrie. she had the nicest pair of eyes and a nice smile. i learned that she had a bit of a playful side that she on occasion displayed with me and with others. i liked what i thought of as her warmth.

one problem, i blew it. we didn’t see each other often after that semester although she was there and saw her on occasion. it was the end of that next semester when i finally called her. and we did talk a little bit then sloppily suggested that we go out sometime anytime she wanted to. that spelled the end for me getting some of that perceived warmth.

near the end i saw carrie again in the computer lab we spoke and she came up with excuses such as she had papers to do – ie the semester was almost over why are you still doing papers. i called her number one more time to talk but whoever answered the phone said she call me back. i never heard from this young woman again. and it took me a year to throw her number away as i wanted another chance and thought better of it.

it’s easy to build up an image in my mind. perhaps i wanted to be that knight in shining armor. my background was much different than carrie’s as i never grew up in public housing so i may not understand it. perhaps she may not understand my background either. either way i got let down somewhat easily and this was a lesson learned. perhaps i need a better approach and i shouldn’t allow something to build in my mind.

hopefully wherever carrie is today she is very happy with where she is today.

Valentine

keep_calm_and_be_my_valentine_by_nekoreport-d5toqvg

it’s been a few years since i’ve officially worked retail. in fact you see the trends at a movie theater which is people come out on certain holidays. they certainly come out on valentine’s day with their significant others.

i’m back in that game this time around and before even returning to retail i noticed that a month or so before a significant holiday (i.e. Valentine’s Day, Easter, Halloween, etc.) they already begin stocking for that holiday. So right now if you go to your local supermarket you may see a display for Valentine’s day that will last through the next month. Then not long after that you’ll see a display for Easter.

Now it brings to mind that when was the last time anyone paid me any mind for Valentine’s Day. In grammar school the kids would hand out Valentine’s Day cards and candy would do it for everyone. It’s something I took for granted until it simply stopped and the kids gradually outgrew this tradition.

at this point i’ve been “flirting” with ways to make this holiday of sorts work for me. this year i might pick a girl or pick several and ask her to be my valentine. not sure what to expect out of this and not sure what my role should be but i’m excited to explore.

one thing i have toyed with in the past is asking one of the many women i’ve met online to fill the void of being my valentine although i never went through with it. this would be something i can do and hopefully we both can have some fun with it. of course i should drop the expectation that something would come of it.

all the same i think it would be fun and as much for me and for her. perhaps this is how i can finally connect with her.

btw, i’ve thought about asking some of the women at work including becky or mary perhaps others that i’ve never talked to other than for professional purposes. thing is it strikes me as very dangerous so it’s important to avoid that for now.

Love shy

shy-smileyafter starting this blog, i joined a web forum at http://www.love-shy.com/lsbb/. the one reason i found this site because i began looking for answers without having to pay a therapist. not that i think anything is inherently wrong with me, but sometimes it pays to have to talk through whatever issues i may have. the issue now is well i want to lose my virginity before i turn 40 which is not that far away anymore.

that’s as much of an issue as me wanting to marry and have children. and somehow i’d have to get through the barrier of finding a suitable mate who is able to accept me for who i am. as much as i believe i have things going for me, it’s difficult still to find a woman who is interested in me. of course the bad thing is women are picky and have no problem picking apart what they don’t like about certain men.

i consider the story of candace that i wrote about a few months ago. i noted that i’m not entirely certain what my deal was other than her approach. i considered her aggressive as far as attempting to keep my attention, but i was for whatever reason cold or unresponsive for the most part. at some point in spite of her ways of letting me know what i was doing was mean she eventually left me alone.

was this a case of being love shy? a case where i was fearful of giving a girl a chance who clearly wanted one. of course, this could also be a case of i made a good call – if it could be called that – because if i got her or her me who knows what direction our potential affair would go. indeed i’d have been left in the cold anyway.

either way the thing is if the right girl got me to settle down and evaluate why i haven’t been able to go all the way with a woman i have always had a script in mind. if a woman wondered why it hadn’t happened for me and ideally all over me discussing this i could flat out say i just don’t know how. that would be true because basically i have no experience in even attracting the attention of a woman.

most of the time it just happened, but often it’s also a matter of keeping her attention. in my case these things just happen with no effort on my part to get her attention. consider candace, although something about me got her attention whatever it was.

either way the answer may not be important only to help me get to the point where i’m very comfortable with a woman so that we could have a relationship. in addition if that happens even before i finally am able to answer the why of my dilemma perhaps the question won’t matter.