a loser at 20 is a loser at 40

i have to admit this long article about a 36-year-old virgin on tv was harsh. may somewhat describe my situation. though with some effort it needs not become a done deal. i’d like to think we can all change our situation whatever that might be.

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odds & ends

* recently i went to my bank to deposit my federal tax refund. most of it is being used for bills the rest is being saved. the bank i went to was empty as it’s undergoing a transition having failed earlier this year. this bank was where i had my savings account since i was 18. now it has me thinking i should change banks though i was keen on doing it when the failure occurred i’ve since been taking my time and still thinking about it.

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* speaking of that bank, my mother recently went there to clean out her office. she hadn’t seen the inside of that place since she went on medical leave again in december. she was why i had an account there in the first place starting a savings account for me so that i have somewhere to deposit the social security checks for my dad. all the same all the changes that occurred the failure and ultimate sale to another bank happened while my mother was on medical leave. because of these changes she never returned to work. that’s a story in and of itself however.

* for this now i call this current period “the apocalypse”. i could compare this period to the “streak era” from 2012 to 2014 where i was getting interviews but no job offers. this period is far more different and of significant change which led to my mother’s unexpected retirement. that day was coming sooner or later and now it just means she’s not in the position to help me anymore and i’m literally going to be on my own. i see it as a positive development however there was some uncertainty as there had been when i left “the show” in 2014 to become a bank teller

* what led to this period is a bit of an interesting story and happened long before my mother was diagnosed with a compound fracture in her hip/thigh area. the real effects of this new situation involved insurance. when my mother’s employer sent a check to pay premiums the insurer sent the check back because that company no longer exists. the new company had their own insurance and insisted on using that instead of paying for what already existed. it resulted in my mother having to scramble to seek further treatment from her hospital when a nursing service called her to say her insurance was cancelled and no nurse would come to the house. so my mother further scrambled to get medicare and then get some form of tweener insurance.

* it finally connects in my mind that it’s more or less all me now. definitely a scary prospect, however, because of my mother’s condition it makes some goals more difficult. for example i’m interested in moving out, however, that plan is tempered by the fact that mother isn’t as mobile as she used to be. another wrinkle is that i may possibly choose to leave home and when i do my mother may choose to sell her house. she doesn’t want to be at home by herself and i really don’t want her to sell off the house.

* in this new era of significant change i have some decisions to make. especially now that i’m about to head into the 2nd half of 2017. the decision i make will allow me to be far more comfortable about even thinking about dating in the future. besides if i get nookie from any prospective woman the last place i’d want to take her is home where my retired mother lives.

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may 2007

so i go way back for this one 10 years ago. so the actions set in motion from this period would likely set the tone for the next 7 years at least. i will begin to explain.

i was at “mission college” still plodding and largely floundering. i was actually a senior and it turns out i won’t be graduating that spring. i had my ass handed to me in several of my courses during the course of that year. mostly Fs with a splash of D’s and D+’s. and by the end of this summer i would be kicked out of school again and had to fight my way back.

yeah remember that brief blurb i wrote about a girl named nicole (yeah the post involving my cousin) well during that period i had also been kicked out of mission and appealed for re-instatement. i chase after some woman and got nothing for my troubles and almost lost my opportunity to get a degree from this prestigious college.

all the same i made quite a few key mistakes and paid for it with bad grades. i was lucky to come back out alive the next semester when i fought my way back in with an appeal armed with a spreadsheet determining which grades should count. if only i was that much of a genius so that this didn’t happen in the first place.

now why this sets the time tone for the next seven years – from 2007 to 2014 – because this would be the one time i just said fuck it. i was finally alright with letting this go. no more designs on getting a prestigious degree from “mission college” and i could jump start my life during what was left of my 20s. just come home and start job hunting and get my life in order.

while this life wasn’t exciting it was unconventional. this also would mean no more looking at those “hillman college” women as a college student. no more student loan debt, studying, expensive books or even courses made difficult.

i can only imagine what i would’ve done if i never got reinstated. i know i’d be looking for another job and i’d have to explain what happened with my school. why i never finished my degree and better yet where have i been since i really hadn’t held down employment. i’d have been a very risky hire surely.

then i wonder if i’d have found myself at “the show” and perhaps i’d be in a better situation in my early 30s if i had never finished at “mission”. to be honest i have little idea today. if graduating from “mission” was my goal i reached it to my surprise…

matchmaking

matchmaking

i’ve been particularly bad with online dating. the way i see it this is something always done with fb with no levels of success. that is i never had the opportunity to connect with the women i wanted to connect with.

for example, perhaps i wanted the true babes so to speak. the beautiful women but either they weren’t interested or attracted to me or i was too late and they’re with someone. and sometimes on my own, i don’t always come off well.

recently i was on the phone with a matchmaker and irony of ironies i met this person via tinder. a dating app used for business purposes that shouldn’t be allowed :P.

anyway after trading messages for about a month i finally connected and we talked for a few minute she set me up a profile. i expressed interest in possibly image coaching which is something i need. and while being added to a database, it’s fine if i can become a client at some point and hope to meet someone who wants what i want.

of course my interest is in having a family i made that clear. my life goals aren’t as clear although i’ve expressed a desire to move up where i am now and perhaps move on to something entrepreneurial – such as real estate.

as for the person she wants to match me up with well she doesn’t live nearby and she’s older at 37, but i’m open. the reason i’m open is because i need to get out there and start meeting these women. unfortunately it’s difficult for me to get out here and meet these women even to just approach them cold.

believe me it’s possible to make a connect as a service worker. there are a good number of women who are seen during the course of a shift and to stay professional as you never know what’s going on in anyone’s head at any time. believe me there have been some odd situations with customers.

either way perhaps if i continue doing this i’ll be comfortable with the idea of dating and hopefully i can find what i’m looking for. perhaps i’ll find this young woman who’ll be the mother of my children and will be an awesome wife. and now it’s possible for me to enter the dating world.

let the matchmaking commence…

Amber Rose to Her Virgin Pal: ‘Sometimes You Just Want to Get Slaughtered’

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However, Dr. Chris doesn’t think that ‘virgin’ is an accurate description for the guy.

Source: Amber Rose to Her Virgin Pal: ‘Sometimes You Just Want to Get Slaughtered’

I haven’t heard this podcast, but I just have to say if i had Amber Rose as a friend my imagination would run wild. I respect that this guy wants to wait until marriage to experience sex, but if only I had some of that oral experience Ms. Rose’s friend has. I missed out big time.

speak it into existence

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an odd concept and good fodder for a blog post. this was something spoken by one of the supervisors at work. spoken to a coworker though it’s often stated in the world not just at my job.

sometimes one’s own negativity gets into the way of positivity. sometimes i have wallowed in being a virgin. i have no one romantically, i do have friends but not many whom i seem to frequently keep in contact with even from childhood. i do desire a intimate connection with a woman that i value and trust.

with this said, it won’t be long before i’m a late 30s virgin and perhaps it’s time to believe that something will change in that department. unfortunately i have no concept of how to be successful in the dating realm. i really missed that boat when i was younger. even with online dating.

regardless sooner or later something has to change and i’m still unsure how but i want to make the next year as pivotal as two years ago had been job-wise. times have to change and as much as i value my current job with all i have accomplished the past year perhaps the nature of my personal life must change also.

i will speak into existence that i will have a relationship with a woman i value and trust. short of that relationship i hope that the woman i value and trust will be the one that i could lose my virginity to. perhaps in the new year i will know the intimacy that has been missing for most of my life.

popping his cherry…

somehow i found this article searching for anything on male virginity. i would like to find such a woman whether or not she’s either old or young.

then again would i feel comfortable being just another notch on a woman’s lists of v-cards she’s helped to punch? something to decide and besides i like the idea of getting my v-card punched by a loving girlfriend.

other than that where have these women been. have they been under my nose all along?