The cousin – revisited

I wanted to revisit this episode for a while. I wrote a post when starting this blog back in 2015 remembering an episode where a first cousin named Natalie came home to visit with my mother. Because yours truly can be the “brooding” type I stayed in another part of the house while my mother and her niece were entertaining.

I was on the computer at that point surfing the internet just doing what’s normal for me. My mother felt the need to pull me upstairs complaining that I needed to speak instead of being downstairs uninterested and oblivious. The excuse my mother used was that I had footage of the previous year’s reunion and the laptop I was using was the only computer in the house where my mother and Natalie could watch the footage.

Well here’s where things just didn’t go well. Nat got very excited to see me and while I was very short when she just got so aggressive with her attempts to reach out. I was not feeling this at all, and Natalie was either very oblivious or just wanted to break through. Meanwhile most of my answers to her was uh-huh, OK, nuh-uh, alright. I didn’t want to waste too much of my breath when I was more into cutting this off quickly.

My mother I recall just seemed very uncomfortable as her head was down I noticed at one point. Things took a turn when Natalie decided to state for the record – “I heard you got a little girlfriend“. Well now there was a trainwreck right there and part of the story I talked about this girl I called Nicole and it just didn’t work. Perhaps your hero just ran her away in spite of himself either way Nat decided to get in on this and I really wanted to cut this off. Once it became clear I wasn’t feeling it she finally sensed that this isn’t going where she wanted it to go.

She piped it down and sat back on the sofa, I hurried up and got out of the living room.

You know there were some questions I never answered. Well yeah in the heat of that moment at that time I definitely wasn’t feeling having to discuss what happened with that little girlfriend. She probably didn’t know that this was a very touchy subject and if you will it was a failure that I was still smarting from. Someone told her and she just go so excited and just didn’t know that this was really a negative subject for me. I also hardly updated anyone didn’t see a need to with family I just dropped it, this was one of those things I talked too much about.

If it was so built up in Nat’s mind it definitely was in mine until it fell apart. Not really her fault it was just how I handled it back then. I just didn’t want to talk about it and she was the last one that yours truly wanted to say anything about it to.

Another thing I mentioned back then was just that we’ve had some odd interactions where she guts upset and often I don’t come out well for it. I suppose she has some expectations that once I walk over them she just has a problem. For example, I didn’t know that she didn’t like shrugging – well I need to tell that story one day. In some cases if she had a problem with something she didn’t always handle them very maturely. But then in some of those incidents she was young and I’m betting some of this is her background especially with a mentally ill mother.

I’m willing to bet her own “maturity” causes her to not to be very upset with me. She’ll quickly forget what happened and try to be friendly again. It could be that she just wants to drop what upset her and certainly she’ll drop it once she felt as if she addressed it. Meanwhile I can hold onto stuff for a long time, while she moves forward I’ll turn around and say leave me alone.

Which for most of the last decade after graduating with my undergrad degree she largely has. I’ve been to a handful of reunions in the past decade and I’ve not seen her. I understand it’s usually vacations and when the family plans reunions it seems many of them are last minute. Once Natalie and Nate makes their plains there’s a scheduling conflict.

I did note that she sent me a friend request on facebook and when I didn’t accept or reject right away I eventually saw that it went away. Sometimes I might accidently hit a button whether to accept or reject and don’t recall that either way with Natalie, perhaps she just got tired of the waiting game or changed her mind. If she doesn’t take my actions very seriously, I’m sure she thought about some of my actions towards her over the years.

Oh and let me mention this, Natalie on the surface is very nice. On the other hand Nat has that angry side and its a side Ive encountered on occasion. And on this day at home, she exposed it especially after trying to figure something out about this little girlfriend. I can cause her to drop that happy smiley “mask” sometimes.

Finally another thing to add is that she was on the little girlfriend trip long before this. When my brother got married she started talking about it and had herself a “forced laugh” when she queried me regarding a dance I shared with some woman at the wedding. To be honest I don’t really remember who that “cougar” was but Natalie wanted to talk about it. When she found out I was going to visit another one of my uncles at a neighborhood watering hole she still had to state in a silly way that “maybe you will find you a girlfriend”.

Two of my uncles – one I don’t care for the other I cared for more – likely heard that remark and gave no response. Either they didn’t get it or they weren’t amused. Perhaps while her comment was thoughtless because we were going to a bar. At that time I wasn’t yet 21 and since my uncle at that time was middle-aged who knows what type of women I would find there. She probably didn’t really know…

Either way I’m planning to make yet another reunion over the summer. Perhaps we shall see how that turns out for yours truly. Will Nat and Nate be there this year?

Meanwhile feel free to check out The Cousin and Signals which are the most relevant posts to this revisit.


At the end of last year, I realized in order to attract a mate you have to put in some work. I suppose earlier last year I had created a template for this purpose. I suppose there is something to work towards in the new year.

Just remember as far as my own personality, this really is going to be work. It won’t take much to slip back into some bad habits. Let’s bring it!

Feeling No Love

man in white dress shirt holding suit jacket

What if it’s possible to remake your image? And it doesn’t matter how old you are it just matters that you’re determined to make some changes.

I like to think everything isn’t set in stone. What if you can make changes to your lifestyle? What if you can make changes to your attitude?

If people hold you to what you used to do when you were younger, does this mean you disassociate? I’ve had to do this with someone I knew, knowing among other things that they have the tendency to bring things from the past to the forefront. It’s is as if today doesn’t matter, past actions matters more and remains part of the discussion.

What prompted this was that a coworker asked about the ride I have one day at work recently. I want you all to know I don’t own my own vehicle, however, it’s one of…

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When I started this blog I had a specific vision of losing my virginity before a certain age. Well it hasn’t quite worked out that way. Worse still I haven’t made many of the benchmarks I hoped to have.

I had to suffer some disappointments and not only sexual ones or even relationship ones. This blog often focuses on work, it’s the one thing I know how to control. Perhaps not the people around me bosses and coworkers, but just having a job in general. I figure if a job is nothing more than a means to an end other things will follow.

I found this article looking up anything on virginity. This woman’s story – L. Rosen – is seemingly the most 2020 story ever. She wants to have a child and started off as a 40 year old virgin, then she ran into her childhood friend and lost her virginity to him. She’s still trying to have a child doing fertility treatments although this bug put a halt to it!

It causes me to take stock in what’s going on now. I feel as if in writing this blog I made more personal progress in my life. I had to cut out nosy people who really had very little to add to my life other than leeching. I realize what it takes to be successful to hopefully become a husband and father.

Unrealistically I think fortunes just change, reality is that you have to work to change your fortunes. The scary part as always is just getting the ball rolling – getting started. Waiting has gotten me nowhere.

I never before noted this, but as far as connecting with a girl or with a woman my hope was that it would happen organically. Perhaps I get that magic education or get the magic job, that hasn’t happened. I mention to a couple of childhood classmates that I went to a prestigious university usually no further contact ensues with those women I went to school with. It could be said yours truly got that prestigious degree but has very little to show for it. On the other hand when finally crossing the stage and getting that sheepskin I never felt so useless.

Thankfully I went through a whole decade after leaving Mission College with the work experience and skills that should’ve really been attained starting in my teens. I feel very behind in adulthood in more ways than one to be honest. However as long as I have life, I will not stop and it needs not stop at getting a woman. My life need not stop at that, however, I do desire a family of my own and will continue to work towards that.

So I think I do share a goal with Ms. L. Rosen….

New Blog

I haven’t started posting yet, my goal is to write more topical posts there going forward. Let’s see what new adventures we might have there.

I would like you to start following that blog if you’re very interested. It’s aptly named for a reason. 🙂


man in white dress shirt holding suit jacket

What if it’s possible to remake your image? And it doesn’t matter how old you are it just matters that you’re determined to make some changes.

I like to think everything isn’t set in stone. What if you can make changes to your lifestyle? What if you can make changes to your attitude?

If people hold you to what you used to do when you were younger, does this mean you disassociate? I’ve had to do this with someone I knew, knowing among other things that they have the tendency to bring things from the past to the forefront. It’s is as if today doesn’t matter, past actions matters more and remains part of the discussion.

What prompted this was that a coworker asked about the ride I have one day at work recently. I want you all to know I don’t own my own vehicle, however, it’s one of my long term goals. Still I sort of bs’d and claimed the vehicle was mine instead of admitting that it’s my mother’s car. Yep, I lied no one needs to know my situation at the same time I’ve learned that once someone learns the truth they get a kick out of calling you out on it! It’s often temporary though very unsettling in the moment.

Then I thought about it. What if it was part of my image? I don’t have to stick strictly with humility per se as I already buy luxury brands. For example most of my shoes wouldn’t be considered value brands, nor would most of my attire. Also my tech, they’re not value tech unless you consider some of my devices that were bought refurbished.

Perhaps for most of my life I cared very little about upholding my image. The hard part is that upholding an image is hard work. It’s even harder work if you’re creating an image that doesn’t hold up because you created it and it’s not real. Still if you want to change your image you have to believe it and it shouldn’t be a mirage because if it is no one else will believe it.

No I don’t own a vehicle, but I will. Nope that vehicle may not necessarily be a luxury car, however, it will be mine. Perhaps one day I will own a luxury vehicle. As most things in life it’s always a work in progress. Time to put in the work.

Advice: Deflowering a male virgin

I’ve been looking for this video for years. Unfortunately I don’t have any female friends whether work or school that I’d feel this comfortable with. Actually comfort isn’t the word, the women I’ve known and maintained friendly contact aren’t the types of women I’d have any sexual attraction for.

One I’ve known since high school is married and knows of some of my issues with women especially in college. Another one who I’ve been talking to since my days at Mission College really isn’t my type and I’mm glad to count her as a friend, however, she often leans on me for relationship things. Anyone else I’ve maintained contact with either aren’t very attractive or perhaps a little too old etc.

I suppose if I really maintained contact whether through school or work with any attractive women I hope that it would be a subject she would be willing to listen. Of course she has to be comfortable and I have to be open about my desire. So whoever wrote Max on this subject was very open to deflowering a man otherwise she wouldn’t have even asked for advice.

With this being said, I’m glad I found this video and from what I recall Max suggested the lady should go for it. Perhaps they have by now since the video is eight years old.

Creepy shy virgin

Dr. Nerdlove has written a number of articles about virginity over the years. Since starting this blog I have often searched out content with regards to male virginity narrowly in addition to other topics involving virginity. This article is one of those articles which often would be in my search results especially.

This article: “Ask Dr. NerdLove: I’m A Shy Virgin. Does This Make Me Creepy?” I can relate to for just about five years I worked with young women with various personalities at The Show. Unfortunately I do think I have been targeted by them. A lot of them it could be surmised expected to have men by the finger tips, however, the men they couldn’t figure out really there was friction. And yes I would say I wasn’t quite a man they could figure out and often there was friction.

What I could gather from this article is from not only Dr. Nerdlove’s response, but from the little information offered by the letter writer Justtheguyinthecorner I feel as if I was in the same situation. For me the only reason the virgin thing came up was not because of what others had suspected because my mistake was putting it out there. Once it was out there and fodder for gossip then here comes the shaming.

It was one of many things people thought was wrong with me. However with this said, I do think people were looking for dirt they didn’t come looking for anything positive, especially the young women I worked with. If it wasn’t so and so never had sex ultimately it would’ve been something else in the long run. If people were looking for reasons to complain or just plain start something they would.

So Justtheguy seemed to believe the women of his job was out to get him. No examples were provided by him, but what I could agree with in Nerdlove’s response is perhaps Justtheguy could’ve done a better job relating to the women coworkers he tried to treat professionally and yet tries to avoid them at work. He does seem to use his inexperience as a crutch however how would his coworkers know?

All the same I would share the episode of “Petty” one extreme example of how I feel the young women would treat a guy who could basically be considered a loaner. More accurately yours truly definitely didn’t do well with the young women at the theater and admittedly a lot of this was a self-inflicted wound. My inexperience with women was part of the problem, however, I owe some of this friction with the youth and immaturity of those who were just starting off in the world as the theater was their first jobs.

I could dare say outside of the young men they associated with often at school – presuming they were in high school – how much experience to they have with men. Young men for their own immature reasons tolerated some of the difficult personalities that some of the young women I worked with exhibited. I would dare say some young men didn’t know that they didn’t have to deal with women who had “problematic” personalities. They did so to say they have a girlfriend or just to get satisfied.

The young women on the other hand I would suspect didn’t know how to be themselves. Perhaps they didn’t know every man wasn’t trying to flirt with them. Perhaps they didn’t know that they don’t always have to use their mouths just because they have one. Perhaps some of them being used to being “large and in charge” didn’t recognize every man isn’t looking for that. So many variables in this equation that I could consider and is probably why I never really tried to connect.

So as far as this friction, I wasn’t always approachable to even those young women I might have thought attractive so it’s safe to say I contributed. I do think a lot of this went back and forth, but I find myself wondering years later if there was a point to turn the situation around. Though in the case of Justtheguy who knows if he was successfully able to turn that situation around.

If I believe Nerdlove, perhaps for Justtheguy the issues he claimed to be experiencing is all in his head. With the little information I see, perhaps that’s true. It’s not always a good thing to treat your colleagues coldly. And on the other hand whether or not it gets out there isn’t as much of a problem unless you allow it to be. Who needs to know, why do they need to know, and of course why do they have a problem with it? If they do and it’s just dirt for them, who needs them?


You know when it comes to jobs or women perhaps I have come off as desperate. Of course it might depend on how I really wanted to be employed especially at a major company or depends upon the woman. I can see how it could be a turn off to see someone desperate or get one-itis about jobs or a girl. Instead of it being flattering that someone really wanted to work somewhere or be with someone it later becomes you don’t have any other options?

So I had been sitting on this post for years and never published this. You know what the topic of discussion is, prostitution. Jack V could go visit a prostitute but finding a streetwalker on the mean streets of Chicago and risk my health just for getting my jollies off for a few seconds. Or at worst risking my reputation since well it’s still illegal.

Perhaps I could always go to Nevada to get the deed done once I was ready for that. Hopefully what happens out there stays out there. I can do it as nasty as I’d like because unfortunately I haven’t found one who wasn’t a “sex worker” who wanted to do so with yours truly.

Except, would it solve my issue as far as relating to women. I’ll admit I missed something over the years as far as that. For example a woman wants someone who’s funny until she doesn’t. She instead wants a man who’s serious and then she wants a man who’s not too serious. She wants to be a with a man who no one will mess with except sometimes she’ll stay with a man who assaults her. Sometimes she wants to be with a nice man until she realizes that man is a pushover and then she realizes that she’s lost interest.

I could just go out and buy some p#$$y or I could connect with one woman who wants to be with me. I’ve survived this long without finding that special woman. And I’m still trying to figure out how to be the man any woman would want. Who knows if I’ll ever get there, but I’d like to be that guy any woman would want. Perhaps it’s not just about how much money I make or my fashion choices, but just be a good person.

So I can recognize buying it won’t solve my problem, I might still be lonely. Once I return home from a brothel anywhere I’ll still come home to a warm bed with no one else in it. In the long run, that’s not really the outcome I’d want.


statue church amor cupid


You know the purpose of this post is yours truly coming to the realization that he’s never been in love. Then again you should’ve know that already, it’s no big secret. Evidently it’s painfully obvious with some of the stories I’ve written on this blog where I haven’t done very well with available women over the years.

More accurately I haven’t done very well with available young women during my years in school – which could include K-12, community college, and then “Mission College”. I could also point out my issues with the young women whom I worked with. In writing this blog I realize there were some changes that needed to be made although, it seems I’m easily distracted.

The question is why has yours truly never been in love. It’s not like I’m a man on a mission as it seems I can’t help but stumble into situations. It’s not like I really had some grandplan since I was in kindergarten to take over the world and remake it in my image.

The main reason why this idea of “love” has eluded me in my life is because I simply expected it to happen. It’s like becoming a mgr at “The Show” it just didn’t happen. What I never learned is that to get the woman of your dreams you have to plant the seeds. In reality perhaps I never really learned the idea of game or seduction or otherwise just engaging a woman who truly interests me. And on top of that she has to be interested in me also.

I suppose it’s late in the game for me to really try to learn about relationships with the “fair sex”, however, it’s a weird dynamic. One role model should’ve been my parents and sadly their relationship just wasn’t the best that I have seen while they were together. My brother figured it out eventually he went through some changes when he was out courting.

What I realize is that it’s a wonderful thing to truly have someone who you love and loves you back. It’s a wonderful feeling that you’re in love with someone and they’re also in love with you. And perhaps with adult relationships their is always more to it than the simplicity I try to associate with them, however, I’ve never experienced this.

If only real life could be like Hollywood’s most popular romance pictures. I should’ve learned with some of my more awful attempts at connecting with women that it’s just not easy. Especially for a n00b like myself.

Not to depress you all, but I do hope you all had a wonderful Valentine’s Day and especially if you’re marking the occasion with someone you care about…


adult book business cactus

I’m glad to write this post under different and more positive circumstances. Last time a post with this title was published it was to announce that I had been let go from a job that I really liked.

So I often consider this period of my life a period of significant change. I could start with graduating from college as the start of one significant change. Then I could look at leaving “The Show” as the start of another. And we’re still in the middle of those changes now.

This is the year I want to make some personal changes, although unfortunately I have no idea where to start. Perhaps I would like to change the circumstances of my social life, unfortunately I have no idea where to start. It could be at work, however, I worked somewhere that I became friends with many of my coworkers (hard to believe right?). Sometimes they were cool and in another case they really weren’t and it was time to cut ties.

Often on this blog – a male virgin blogI talk about work. I do believe that is important and in a period of change it’s important not to be stuck. It’s important to grow which is one reason why I left the theater. One of the most important changes I want to make is to truly grow beyond the types of jobs I’ve typically held during my working life.

So this is the year to make some important and key changes. Will it help me in my personal life? I can definitely do something about my professional life. As I’ve been saying (or perhaps I haven’t said it enough times) now is the time to make some plans and then execute them. Now is the time, otherwise the window of opportunity will slowly but surely close.

Finally just to add, I used to say to friends or to myself that I’d give anything to make $20K/yr. That was the standard once upon a time especially since during the course of  my time at “The Show” it’s hovered between $11K to $12K/yr. These days I’m in the $20K/yr range so over time of working at “The Hole” and even with the supplemental job at the “dine-in show” I could say there was a year I made $25k+ per yr.

My new goal is six-figures. Perhaps it might take some time, but the way I see it now is the time to plan to make that goal. I’ve learned that reaching that goal would be easily attainable if I became a store mgr at “Fresh Foods”. However I reach that goal it’s the one attainable long-term goal I can achieve.

Meanwhile I need to make some social goals also…