the girl is not the goal…

then what is it? that’s the obvious question and reddit – perhaps you can call it seddit – has the answer. i think i like the answer and even got some parts of a numbered bucket list checked out. the main thing:

When you focus on becoming the best version of yourself, women find this naturally attractive. Yes, you can still benefit from breaking down and analyzing the social dynamics between men and women, and we can still get better results through techniques and theory. But there is no technique for attraction as powerful as becoming a man who knows what he wants out of life and goes out and gets it.

a matchmaker figured this out quick and now having arrived in a new period of great change – “the apocalypse” – it’s time to make some necessary moves. moves that will benefit me and get something out of life for myself.

my focus has been on jobs and money. that’s fine then what?

living on my own terms

have i ever lived according to them. it’s been said that most of my life i’ve been trying to have it my way. unfortunately i’ve ran into nothing but people who have decided they know best so they try to tell me what i must do.

when my mother was going for follow-up appointments and had been at the point where she needed me to shuttle her to the hospital i tell her that her need to rush me and tell me to make this light or that light didn’t help. especially if i’m the driver and i may have other things on my mind as much as it’s very important to get her to the clinic for her appointments.

sometimes i’ve been consumed though not enough by the idea that i want to have sex before i turn 40 or better yet married by the time i turn 40. if it happened that i’m happy alas i seem to have a great difficulty getting myself into such a situation where i can make that happen.

unfortunately, i’m a long way from being anything resembling a pick-up artist. i see beautiful women all the time not just online but in person and hell yes they’re my customers. i could pick up a conversation with the one who could be the one. indeed i may also work with such a fabled person.

at the same time i never really lived my life. and i don’t have that long to do it. i never had a group of young friends who were just dating. thus never many opportunities to just hang out and socialize. as likely hinted i’m very much a loner and have arrived at that the hard way.

all the same, it’s past time. i need to do some things for me and if it means i have to live alone for a time then that is what i must do. if it enables me to get into activities where i have to be social then it’s worth it. i can go on and on, but i already predicted this could be a year of great change.

and in the past two years i’ve experience great changes leaving my long-time job at the show and having my income go up. going to a job that can provide great growth – which i would also include evaluating how i approach interviewing not just the jobs i can take on. bottom line it i’m already one quarter through 2017 so if i want to make those necessary changes now is certainly the time to get started.

i’m convinced that the woman of my dreams whoever she may be is waiting for me. i either shoot my shot or i have to be the guy she desires. hopefully unlike many other time where she comes around and makes herself know i might not be caught off guard.

in the meanwhile, it’s literally time to attempt to live live on my terms. and not find myself fitting anyone’s definition of how i should live my life.

 

updates

adobepresenterupdate

my mother told me she’s going back to the hospital. over the last few weeks she had been undergoing procedures to set her up for another procedure which involves bone marrow and blood plasma. this isn’t surgery where she will be under anesthesia, however, she’ll still be gone for about 10 or so days.

recently, she spent overnight at the hospital because a “portal” placed on her for the coming procedure caused some bleeding and they needed to give her some sutures. i was a little frustrated and she likely was also because a lot of waiting on her part. in my case i was waiting because they needed someone on ready especially if she’s not 100% and often that person was me.

i’ll be alone at home for 10 days and i’m unsure what to do. if i had those kinds of relationships with women one could stay home with me during those days where my mother’s gone. however, it does seem a little unseemly doesn’t it or not when i’ve had that type of relationship and she doesn’t mind it.

i’ve begun to realize as much as my personality has been described as a loner, i don’t like being alone in a not so big house. it is really important for me to share my life with someone and often skirted this for a number of years. just not sure how to start on this when i should’ve started at least in my teenaged years.

to be sure this is the worst time for me to think about these things. my mother is undergoing her own health challenges with the issues involving a compound fracture in her hip/thigh area. but i have a place to stay and no one by myself for the time being.

also, i’ve struggled with the idea of being a part-time caretaker. thankfully she’s largely able to take care of herself and when she finally comes home there will be people coming over to keep an eye on her. i literally don’t relish having to be in that role and sooner or later this has to be communicated. this is only because i’ve finally gotten to the point where i want to actually live life and if i don’t do it now it’ll just get much harder.

the idea has crept in my head that it’s time to move. i’ve spent most of my life at home and then going to the liberal arts college, but it’s time to be in my own place. unfortunately i’ll still likely be alone, but it’s past time. it helps that i’ve finally found a job where i can make good money and grow after almost 5 years at the stagnant minimum wage. i saved enough money where i can do that and perhaps still get a little car.

in the meanwhile how can i possibly manage being at home by myself while my mother is away at the hospital. also it’s very important that i hope for the best as always!

random

51930-imperfect-love-quotes

on saturday night one of the ladies in the other dept noted that she remembered that becky bought me a cupcake and it had writing on it. the young lady who recently got promoted to supervisor we’ll call her gerry was in fact there that day, her coworker mary – aka crazy vibes – wrote on that cake although gerry didn’t exactly remember.

part of me could take this to mean something. that is well if i’m not a very important part of her work life let’s say then what happened last year was quickly forgotten. it happens often enough especially when i make the wrong move then someone is mad at me. then for a minute the relationship goes cold or that person needs an excuse anyway.

gerry i’ve been led to believe is in her 30s and outside of my race. for some reason i’ve had my eye on her, but unsure how to approach. in fact, i alluded to her in “awkward” a while ago an unsolicited friend request from someone who used to work at our store “professed” his love for her and she accepted a date with him.

physically she’s not perfect, but decent. she doesn’t seem like the friendliest person in the world – she’s not mean or anything – perhaps temperament wise she’s similar to me. although i’ve always imagined myself with a more extroverted person at least as a wife, but this isn’t about marriage it’s about getting to know these women before i even get to that step.

i suggested she finds me on fb and perhaps i’ll make it easier for her. we have mutual friends including becky so it may not be a tough sell. perhaps the next time i see her i’ll give her the e-mail address to find me and see what happens. or more likely since we do have several mutual friends i’ll just have to do the manly thing and aggressively add her to see what happens.

either way the reason i gave was i learned on that evening that her birthday is fairly close to mine. so that means we’re both sagittarius…hmmmm.

speak it into existence

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an odd concept and good fodder for a blog post. this was something spoken by one of the supervisors at work. spoken to a coworker though it’s often stated in the world not just at my job.

sometimes one’s own negativity gets into the way of positivity. sometimes i have wallowed in being a virgin. i have no one romantically, i do have friends but not many whom i seem to frequently keep in contact with even from childhood. i do desire a intimate connection with a woman that i value and trust.

with this said, it won’t be long before i’m a late 30s virgin and perhaps it’s time to believe that something will change in that department. unfortunately i have no concept of how to be successful in the dating realm. i really missed that boat when i was younger. even with online dating.

regardless sooner or later something has to change and i’m still unsure how but i want to make the next year as pivotal as two years ago had been job-wise. times have to change and as much as i value my current job with all i have accomplished the past year perhaps the nature of my personal life must change also.

i will speak into existence that i will have a relationship with a woman i value and trust. short of that relationship i hope that the woman i value and trust will be the one that i could lose my virginity to. perhaps in the new year i will know the intimacy that has been missing for most of my life.

possibility

chiax_phototour08

A few days ago I ran into one of the many young women I only know through fb. We’ll call her Andrea and who knows where she had been coming from but we ran into each other in downtown Chicago. She apparently recognized me as someone from our respective colleges – i.e. I attended that liberal arts college & she attended the all-girls college.

To be honest it caught me off-guard so I didn’t adjust accordingly. Andrea is a petite woman with full lips and on this day sporting braids. She said she was in town from New York visiting family. She is originally from Chicago and said she’s staying at a nearby hotel at least until the weekend.

When she saw me I was just leaving the movies nearby and told her what I saw weirded me out. It was funny but just weird. She was aware of another movie of local interest about the Obamas and their love story. Sorry to have disappointed her but I didn’t go see it.

Either way we had a nice chat and spoke of finding my way to New York to catch a tv taping in future. Possibly SNL although I no longer consider myself a fan of that program but something worth doing absolutely. Other than that I suggest we keep in touch through fb and we parted.

Also should be noted that we had over the years talked to each other on fb. Sometimes it’s as much sizing each other up more than anything but sometimes my idea of being a potential match is funny. Perhaps I’m looking for pretty girls who won’t give me the time of day.

Either way just for an exercise what if I chose to pursue this young lady?

chronicles

….of a 20ish virgin.

i think this will be a series of posts in no particular order. i may talk about women i’ve attempted to speak to or even the ones who tried to speak to me. especially when i was between 20 and 29. of course as happens on this blog i may get lost on other things such as work history or parental relationships for example.

COMMUNITY_COLLEGE

my early twenties had been spent at a community college since i graduated from high school. to be honest i had no plan for life after graduation other than my family’s expectation that i should go to college.

i enrolled at one of chicago’s community colleges and basically was average. somehow  i still had been accepted to a relatively prestigious liberal-arts college in georgia with a similar all-girls school across the street. my acceptance to that school would come the next spring.

anyway there wasn’t much action on the women front. there were a precious few women i could have asked out. especially the ones i went to class with but i was unwilling to shoot my shot. precious few still gave me any attention even if i deep down wanted it.

one semester i got a phone number – a hand written note – from a young woman i’ll refer to as carrie. carrie made a presentation in our social science class about living in public housing and some of the experiences she had. one notable part of this story was that she witnessed oral sex out in the open between people at her development.

another part of the story is that she had been touched by some of the violence that occurs in public housing. for example a high profile murder occurred and she knew the mother who lost her son to the violence. i thought it sounded as if the gang was targeting the mother but instead hit her son.

well it took me a few months to shoot my shot with carrie. and i finally did at the college library. that was at the end of the semester and i had my eye on her and she knew it. for the most part i was just uncomfortable with taking my shot but i took it.

oh yes to describe carrie. she had the nicest pair of eyes and a nice smile. i learned that she had a bit of a playful side that she on occasion displayed with me and with others. i liked what i thought of as her warmth.

one problem, i blew it. we didn’t see each other often after that semester although she was there and saw her on occasion. it was the end of that next semester when i finally called her. and we did talk a little bit then sloppily suggested that we go out sometime anytime she wanted to. that spelled the end for me getting some of that perceived warmth.

near the end i saw carrie again in the computer lab we spoke and she came up with excuses such as she had papers to do – ie the semester was almost over why are you still doing papers. i called her number one more time to talk but whoever answered the phone said she call me back. i never heard from this young woman again. and it took me a year to throw her number away as i wanted another chance and thought better of it.

it’s easy to build up an image in my mind. perhaps i wanted to be that knight in shining armor. my background was much different than carrie’s as i never grew up in public housing so i may not understand it. perhaps she may not understand my background either. either way i got let down somewhat easily and this was a lesson learned. perhaps i need a better approach and i shouldn’t allow something to build in my mind.

hopefully wherever carrie is today she is very happy with where she is today.