Eliminate

One of my long term goals has been to stay away from porn. I would be alright if I never watched a minute of porn as it’s become very perverse to yours truly.

Except that when I take a break from it sometimes I go right back to it. They say you shouldn’t quit something cold turkey except porn ought to be one thing one should quit in such a fashion. We’re not talking about substance abuse we’re talking about something that’s more psychological.

I shared a quick review of this movie from a few years ago called Don Jon which where the title character has largely the same types of issues. He may get the women he wants even had a girlfriend during the course of the movie but is so unsatisfied with his conquests that he turns to porn. The girlfriend had to catch him not once but twice to break up with him because he lied to her. Regardless she made him wait for sex and he was still unsatisfied.

He admitted later that the porn was him being selfish. He thought more of the fantasies he had from watching porn than the actual desires of the women he was with. It took meeting a widowed MILF to train him away from the fantasy of pornography. He realized in order to satisfy his needs he also had to satisfy the needs of his girlfriend.

I suppose after so many years of watching porn I had no issues with the various scenarios men and women find themselves in whether we’re talking threesomes or orgies. I talked about how I liked watching bondage scenes or women doing anal. I also recognize that if you take some of those things in porn into your own bedroom things could get to the point where one could go too far.

I could fantasize about smacking a woman upsider buttocks one time and watch the jiggle of her skin and muscles (or fat sorry ladies) then I get concerned about whether or not I could turn that off. Jack V wants a lifetime companion and lover not a partner who’s scared of him for not knowing where the line is.

So I realize that I need to stay away from porn. My mind need to be on more realistic relations with women. Yes I do desire a wife in the future and hope that we can do adult things as a couple I just hope that there isn’t a point where I could go too far. That’s my worry now and perhaps that makes me a terrified virgin.

My idealized relationship with a woman has always been romantic. I also know there are women who sneeze at that. Not all women seem to want a romantic man and yes I recognize being romantic might not be best at first meeting. However, porn which seems to have a history of cheesy pick up lines once a scene progresses is not the frame of reference I need when trying to build relationships with women.

What I recognize now is that the porn I see now where there are plenty of scenes with women who are pushed to the point where they might need diapers in the future. Or women who are often roughed up, slapped around or even faces contorted by the aggressive hands of a man is not something that is particularly appealing.

What’s also not very appealing about porn are the very alternative expressions of sexuality that now exist in porn. It’s strayed far away from what I started seeing porn for which is two people doing the nasty. There are things that I find perverse that now is just something I just don’t want to see. I steer far away from that content.

Just have to ask myself why it’s so difficult to move on!

Psychology

I’ve had to rewrite this post several times and to be honest it just seems to be a longer post for someone who is no longer considered part of my future. I met the Fiend a decade ago and my “situationship” won’t just be characterized as hell it was just a situation. The situation was just to his liking and he helped created it and yours truly just fell in.

I’ve been told that the Fiend is something of a narcissist. Well I don’t have the means, training, or ability to diagnose him as such. Some aspects of his behavior seems to inform of a psychopath, sociopath or narcissist spectrum. For my own purposes his behavior fall in the line I usually just stop at which is a user.

I do think he looks for people he can get something off of. If you remember he’s said to be engaged to be married. In my humble opinion he does seem to place a lot of value on sex. He wants to know when you lost your virginity and me not having much success or even seeking much success in that area it seems on some level he looks down on me for that. And that’s just a start to perhaps his real feelings about yours truly.

I wish it hadn’t took me this long to recognize that in some way his true feelings about Jack V were never good. It causes me to dispel the notion that we were ever friends. The fact that we even got close was because more than likely there was something in it for him. It could be a ride home or money from me for his needs.

It hits me that I can call him the Hustler because he wanted something. The Fiend is everything else perhaps his reasoning for why he had such a low opinion of me in reality. There were times he told me that he liked me personally and on the other hand he outrights lets me know his true thoughts about me. His true thoughts let me know that he looks at me in the worst ways.

I feel as if I encountered such behavior before perhaps in school. The Fiend will just discard you until you’re needed and it’s not about a final score. Perhaps that’s why when I started my blackout, he continued to try establishing further contact. I’m sure in spite of his negative notions about me, he just had a problem with me not responding to him. Perhaps it was my duty to respond when he comes calling.

Just consider a post I did earlier this summer hearing about him really talking about yours truly to another ex-coworker. He’s probably upset that in his words with no contact that I just dropped him.

Another way of looking at this is that perhaps the negativity he drops onto yours truly is really the negativity he feels himself. This same coworker believes the Fiend has some of his own issues with self-hate. Perhaps he hates his own background (possibly racial), has his own inadequacies (sexual or financial) or just hates his situation in general. All I can say at this point is that all of them are only his problem as far as Jack V is concerned.

I’ve been hearing that the wedding for the Fiend is now off because he couldn’t help but cheat. Not sure if this can be verified independently, however, if that’s truly what’s going on it’s no surprise. Anthony did show that he has a roving eye drooling over women he views as attractive. He states matter of factly how he can manipulate women into having sex with him – like it’s normal – and he portrays himself as not above satisfying his needs with women who are already in a relationship.

Also stated before I just don’t think he has any true idea about being in relationships romantic or friendship. I do think he’s a user whether for material things or just to satisfy his own needs. Beyond that perhaps it’s possible that in reality he’s just a lot more lonely than he realizes.

Oh yeah forgot one final piece to his psychology. Dominance and control are my favorite two terms as part of his fiend persona. One time we were talking and I got smart with him and he raised his voice with “DUDE!” because while I have to tolerate his personality he often can’t seem to tolerate mine. And his next statement was “If you don’t do it to your mother don’t do it to me.”

That was something when he feels as if I’m out of line he started saying. If you don’t do it to your mother why would you do it to me. My response was exactly how I began to read it.

“You’re not my dad” I responded. And he gets defensive saying “I didn’t say that”. The bottom line is that his personality quirk of dominance dictate that I have to treat him as if he was above me. I’m his lesser than and he more often than not conducted himself accordingly with yours truly.

And I consider that fact kind of hilarious when I recognize now that in the very beginning he chased me down and not the other way around. He gave me a reason to steer clear and he continued to come around until he got what he sought. And I didn’t do much pushing back even when knowing what he was doing.

Crisis past tense “shoot”

The post I wrote just about four years ago was really about me leaving The Show. There was a time I just felt pressure the question is from whom. Mostly external, and yet I won’t say I didn’t put any pressure on myself.

This post is really addressed towards Anthony he put on some pressure on his own, but I won’t say that others such as mgmt or coworkers weren’t doing the same. In Anthony’s case he’s stated for years he didn’t understand why I was working there – then again it could be said he doesn’t understand a lot of things. As for everyone else perhaps they felt like I didn’t belong there anyway, they wanted what they wanted for a coworker and evidently I wasn’t it. Whatever that it was.

There was a time during the streak era where I waxed and waned on leaving. Once I made up my mind that certain goals weren’t going to be achieved I no longer looked back. My decision and my moves were’t perfect, but I just decided that it was time to go. While some tried to turn negative that I was there over four years, it was more than a respectable amount of time. It was a stagnant amount of time I was making money, however, the wages were stagnant.

A lot of the people I had enjoyed working with well many of them were leaving including Anthony who left to bounce around at other jobs over time. This isn’t actually a career job where you stay until you retire as in the long run it’s just not lucrative. Anthony’s best advice when it comes to finding another job is to follow-up and then try to negotiate when you know one situation isn’t working. That’s almost like chasing away a potential job offer and lets me know we just weren’t on the same page. Thankfully a lot of the opportunities I had never reached that stage anyway.

What I can credit for this time was that I put in the work. Anthony I will credit him with one good opportunity the theater mgr deal that I took advantage of and that would certainly have been a step forward if it had worked out. The other opportunities that he led me towards that I tried to take advantage of well back to square one. Not to be too much of a “snob” I’m really still at square one.

All the other opportunities were at square one, however, they were at largely reputable companies where at least I have a foot in the door. For example I can say I have one foot in the door at Fresh Foods although I have enough “service hours” to get an award for my longevity. Even made associate of the week fairly recently.

Either way, I consider some aspects of the so-called crisis of 2012 to 2014.

Anthony was noting the dry spell I had for most of 2013. He made sure to note that another young man we worked with (and evidently one he didn’t think much of) was getting more interviews than me. He wanted to know why I wasn’t getting any interviews. What does he care whether or not I’m getting interviewed anywhere or how many?

Later on he noted (while he insisted on me chasing down Finer’s) as I started to get more interviews that I’m finally going to find something. Don’t worry about whether or not your getting the job as employers are showing interest and made up for the previous year’s dry spell.

Another example is that Anthony tried to make a comment where he stated “I really knew there was a problem when your mother didn’t try to help you find a job at that bank”. When I told him that my mother worked at a bank, but I wanted to get him off that subject and tell him this was my decision. Which is true. When I graduated from Mission College, I didn’t really want to work at my mother’s company at that point. I fully expected to get the right job on my own and not have to use my connections. And worse still when I was finally ready to pursue opportunities with my mother’s company my connections meant nothing if the commute to my interview and the hiring manager proved to be a stickler for time.

Of course Ant wasn’t the only one questioning why I was working at the theater instead of that bank. Like I said it wasn’t necessarily something that I really wanted when it was time to look for a job. Perhaps an indication that there were a lot of people who didn’t think I belonged at The Show. Perhaps I was better than than that.

Finally I wanted to note that Ant’s vision for where he thought I should be went from I should be on a yacht somewhere enjoying life. Perhaps I could go to a law firm who’ll pay for me to go to law school. Then eventually as it had been my interest to go to a neighborhood cinema to be a manager. Then doing security, then working at Broadway in Chicago to be a unionized usher, then chasing down Finer Food’s to being an airplane fueler. A lot of those ideas were no thanks but the the yacht thing seems cool and what if I had real calling to go into law?

Well I covered a lot of ground here but to address Anthony’s role in this crisis I realize he had his own self-serving reasons to get involved. There was something in it for him. Perhaps this satisfied his need for dominance and control (my favorite two terms for him). If I was successful thanks to him then he’d believe I’d have to be beholden to him. And even if I did finally accepted a job offer to leave The Show, as I learned later he still found a way to be unsatisfied with the direction I set upon.

Still that brief period of the streak era has set the stage for the era I’m living in currently.

Finality on Finer’s

Over the past six or so months I’ve written a lot about the events of No Interview 2014 or mostly about Anthony the fiend injecting that drama into the future as I begin to reach some form of “apex” at the Hole. It was jarring but I recognize that in some respects it’s still in my head. The reality is that that moment is really over, and it doesn’t deserve much thought even now. It’s not something I had no real invested reason to follow-up.

One reason it’s still in my head is its part of the drama that can exist between myself and the fiend. Another reason is I do consider it a fail. For one thing one reason why I never opted to follow-up any further on this in spite of Anthony’s insistence is based upon his his anger when he “discovers” that I hadn’t followed up any further after being sent out of that store after waiting to be interviewed for an hour (i.e. I got no interview). Of course I can consider that I came along way on a cold day and had no breakfast and perhaps not enough sleep to get absolutely nothing accomplished and I had a nasty old man holding onto that disappointed father act give me a hard time over something that isn’t my fault.

Some business wasn’t taken care of and he showed no interest in my side of the story and perhaps he never saw my side of the story. He probably got stuck on the outcome didn’t go the way he wanted it to go and not only that in being a disappointed father he needed to point the finger at yours truly. And worse still he wanted to ride it until I made it right and followed up. And the most confusing part is that he still wanted to know what happened with it two years later and starting talking about how he thought “you’d like it at Finer’s better” or “if you come to Finer Foods you’d make more money”.

When he’d start his campaign I just remember how it went to get on with them with his insistence and with another part of the Streak Era & another number on the no job offer count. That causes me to think of a something crazy scenario such as the climax of the reign of error. One thing I should’ve learned about him when he’s dead set on something he doesn’t stop it could be a narrative or it could be a situation. It all has to suit him and his needs at any given time.

The bottom line is that I need to move forward from that era. If the outcome of the steak era didn’t suit the fiend too bad, it suits me just fine. I feel as if I’m better off now, the goal wasn’t to get stuck on working at Finer Foods although my mind was stuck on working at a cinema and how was that working out for me. The goal was the leave The Show and Anthony gets stuck on what happened with this opportunity or how much I could’ve made with a job that just didn’t work out for me.

As far as his later campaign. I know I said different things such as he’s envious of my success at the time at the Hole or he just never had that closure (whatever that meant to him back then). Lately I’ve hit upon another thought about this, it was all a diversion or distraction. I would expect he knew full well his campaign wasn’t going anywhere. Although one thought that refutes that is when he’s dead set on something he goes in full blast no matter what. However, I don’t have that closure since we don’t have the ties that we used to these days.

Meanwhile I’m still working on that “Crisis” shoot so stay tuned. If all goes to plan it will be the next post.

Revisit: Dawn of the Streak Era

Let me repeat myself from some earlier posts. 2021 represents the whole decade since I’ve met Anthony the hustler. I told a story of the very early days where he tried to borrow some money and his reward for that attempt was no money and in expecting a ride home he got left at the job. He called my phone left a voicemail and I could hear the disappointment in his voice once he realized what happened.

What I didnt anticipate and perhaps I should’ve was that he was just getting started. That didn’t quite send the message that I didn’t want to be bothered. He still came around asking “Why don’t you speak to me?”

Well let’s skip ahead into 2012 and he put me onto this mgmt position at a neighborhood cinema which is a quick train ride away from home. I was cancelling myself out of that opportunity because way before he came to be about it I saw a posting on this company’s social media and decided I wasn’t ready for this. The hustler thought that I was because “You’ve got the experience”.

That particular summer got weird. The conflicts got weirder this was the summer I really regretfully began feuding with Deranged Barney. D.B. was a lot like Anthony once I pulled back he really starting coming around more. Usually just trying to spark a conversation usually it’s just me looking at him and not really responding. I know he’s talking to me but for a time I just showed very little interest in what he was saying. It causes me to wonder if anyone talked to him back then as I had to learn he just wanted attention which is what our feud gave him.

Either way the mgmt job I accepted and this was where yours truly felt this was a good opportunity to leave The Show. If mgmt is what I wanted to do perhaps I should pursue those opportunities when they’re available. One way to look at this is that this was another attempt by the man I know refer to as The Fiend to pull me in more. Trying to pull me away from Henry and his crew was met with mixed results and later on he didn’t mind reminding me of my ties with them.

He did start getting some money out of me making some weird proposition – a return for a small sum of cash. One time I told him to eat it as opposed to paying me back though perhaps the first time he borrowed me he paid that money back. He actually used that money for a hot dog from the concession stand, he got so excited once he was successful. Another lesson learned he never really strayed away from that programming as it turned out. Once he starts begging and is successful it continues.

At this point I was in a holding pattern for the mgmt job. It was a minute from whenever I submitted my resume via email to some point in August where I did finally hear from the theater owner and finally got an interview. I depended upon Anthony for updates as in why is it taking so long. I had allowed myself to be all in on this and it turned out to be a mistake.

I don’t want to go into the story as you’ll see a link to the original post anyway. I will say that my relationships at The Show was starting to take a turn. From the “mean girls of $h!tplace” to even the hustler (as it turns out this was one person I really needed to push away). It was a place I was finding myself at odds with almost everyone and needed this opportunity.

However long story short it didn’t work out. That interview and the resulting disappointment resulted in a period I now refer to as the Streak Era. A period where after as many as 15 interviews it only resulted in one job offer after over two years. What I hoped would be a home run only was the first at bat in the long run.

Please check out the original post here.

Also I’m getting to work on that shoot post regarding “Crisis” which actually could fit within the context of this revisit.

The last call…

This is one memory I never went over since I cut ties to Anthony the hustler. The last phone call after the episode One Final Drop. Perhaps Anthony had no use for me after that moment and wouldn’t have noticed if I didn’t try very hard to contact him which was definitely true afterwards as it turned out.

So this time four years ago, I ran into Deranged Barney after leaving the Hole for day. I just looked up as I crossed the street and once we locked eyes D.B. greeted me with a twisted “Jyyyyackkk” and an insane cackle. I will admit this freaked me out on that day, but my answer was to just turn my head forward and cross the street. Since I believe Barney is deranged only he knew what response he expected, but this is when I simply put my plan of no response into place.

What happened at that point just about five years earlier just didn’t matter. It doesn’t have to matter even if someone like the hustler insisted that it must matter enough to just decide when he asked for a small cash infusion to ask whether or not yours truly and D.B. were about to fight. He still wanted to go over it years later and I recognize the hustler has his own reasons why this still matters to him five years later at that point.

Anyway I told only two people about the encounter Henry only because we were talking about meeting up at some point with another former coworker and that coworker suggested inviting D.B. which I told him I will walk out and leave. And Henry didn’t have much to say nor wanted to be bothered and can’t say I blame him. This was just more drama and thankfully useless drama as we never met up anyway.

And the other person I had to flush out was Anthony and it was a minute before he could be bothered. Just think a week or so earlier he was blowing up my phone because he found an excuse to ask for yet another small cash infusion. So I called him got no answer and texted him twice until he responded not the same type of full court press as he did me weeks earlier.

We got to talk before I got to my purpose for this call. He stated he was just getting off work and repeated that I was working on a promotion to buy/receive his response “Oh yeah that’s right”. Yeah he wants me to make management but taking the necessary steps just weren’t that interesting to him. He was ranting about a mother and her son he didn’t understand why her son was wearing a mohawk and a pair of boots in June. If he had his way that boy would be wearing a crew cut and sneakers.

It was a bit of time before I told him why I was calling him.

Yours truly: Guess who I ran into today.

The Fiend: D.B.?

Y.T.: *a bit taken a back* You know what that’s a good guess

T.F.: *after a bit of a pause* You need to let that go, you really need to let that go…

And then you wonder why he had the tendency to bring D.B. up. The only time I brought up D.B. was to tell him that he tried to friend request me on FB and I blocked him. And after that Anthony decided to start telling me where he’s seen him or when he’s seen him. Just random mentions when once upon a time I couldn’t get through a day without talking about him and now suddenly he’s a frequent subject.

Y.T.: I ran into him after work and he spoke and I just walked away without a word

T.F.: Oh that’s cold dude, that’s cold, that’s cold-blooded. That’s cold dude

Y.T.: I can’t believe you wont support that what should I have done

T.F.: Hey! What’s up man how’s it going?

Y.T.: You remember what he did right?

T.F.: I sure do.

Y.T.: I’m not interested

T.F.: Do you know if he’s working now

Y.T.: I don’t know

T.F.: Oh OK

Y.T. I don’t care.

T.F.: *objects*

Then he mentions another coworker he thought I had issues with. And to this day I still talk to this coworker who has his own frustrations with Anthony. I think this goes to one thing with the hustler he would drive wedges where he could. Perhaps I had issues with people at the job however it will be if these are people he don’t like then here comes the gaslighting. They’re the ones I must avoid but him he’s in my corner looking out for me. When I wrote the gaslighting post I shared the internal conflict I was between two warring factions.

So anyway we got derailed from talking about D.B. after that once he went with how I’m going to handle so and so with my final retort at least he has something to say which is “why I still even talk to you”. He quickly changes the subject and we never go back to Mr. Deranged.

At some point he proclaims that he’s so tired and about three times I tell him “go get you some rest I’ll talk to you later”. Each time he finds a way to keep the dialogue going. He wasn’t too interested in what I wanted to talk about initially he just switched that convo around like nothing. I think the last time he proclaimed he was so tired, he wanted to know my work schedule. For whatever reason he wants to know not only when I start but what time I get off. I guess that’s the one detail he wants to know.

So the last time we really talked as friends had me screaming at him “ANTHONY LISTEN! GO GET YOU SOME REST I’LL TALK TO YOU LATER!” He finally agrees and that was our last convo. Next month he sends a text reminding me that he plans to pay that $100 he’s borrowed and noted some news I had already told him about someone we used to work with at The Show. And that was the last contact until at least my birthday later that year and before he starts coming around writing comments on facebook or calling me from a new cell number.

After that text I called him and left a voicemail that he never answered. I realized it wasn’t that productive to chase him down. My hope he’ll call me about paying that money back and it never entered my thought process that he might turn around and beg yet again. So I would say that last call marked a turning point in our “situationship” and up until losing my position at the Hole later that year this would be the beginning of me re-evaluating my friendship with the hustler.

For a man who chased me down wanting to connect. Looking out for me and trying in his own way to help me leave The Show. For a guy who claimed he’ll protect me at work where he can. And for someone who was taking advantage of the perks of hanging out with yours truly, I wish it didn’t take me a few years to realize I was being taken advantage of. And in reality Anthony was really not treating me very well.

I wish it hadn’t taken me years to learn that someone like him – and he’s not the first sadly – isn’t my friend. He wanted something I had and was willing to do what it took to get what he wanted. He was going to play the role of my friend and when he gets bored or even just tired I would be discarded until he needed something. So for whatever reason the old man was just looking for “supply”.

Next month I plan to revisit an episode I wrote about almost four years ago and I called it “Crisis.” I realize that this crisis I wrote about was really ginned up by him. While the basis of this post was me trying to leave The Show, I realize Anthony for reasons only he understands had a reason to push me away from the theater where we worked. Perhaps it somewhat explains why he tried to cajole me into working for Finer Foods even after things fell apart with that.

And finally I said I wanted to talk about the last day I worked with D.B. Probably one reason why D.B. still tries to “run-up” on yours truly. Our odd conflict caused him in part to get fired. It’s an episode I deeply regret today and is symbolic of my time at $h!tplace. I don’t know when but hopefully you will read about it on this blog in the future.

The cousin – revisited

I wanted to revisit this episode for a while. I wrote a post when starting this blog back in 2015 remembering an episode where a first cousin named Natalie came home to visit with my mother. Because yours truly can be the “brooding” type I stayed in another part of the house while my mother and her niece were entertaining.

I was on the computer at that point surfing the internet just doing what’s normal for me. My mother felt the need to pull me upstairs complaining that I needed to speak instead of being downstairs uninterested and oblivious. The excuse my mother used was that I had footage of the previous year’s reunion and the laptop I was using was the only computer in the house where my mother and Natalie could watch the footage.

Well here’s where things just didn’t go well. Nat got very excited to see me and while I was very short when she just got so aggressive with her attempts to reach out. I was not feeling this at all, and Natalie was either very oblivious or just wanted to break through. Meanwhile most of my answers to her was uh-huh, OK, nuh-uh, alright. I didn’t want to waste too much of my breath when I was more into cutting this off quickly.

My mother I recall just seemed very uncomfortable as her head was down I noticed at one point. Things took a turn when Natalie decided to state for the record – “I heard you got a little girlfriend“. Well now there was a trainwreck right there and part of the story I talked about this girl I called Nicole and it just didn’t work. Perhaps your hero just ran her away in spite of himself either way Nat decided to get in on this and I really wanted to cut this off. Once it became clear I wasn’t feeling it she finally sensed that this isn’t going where she wanted it to go.

She piped it down and sat back on the sofa, I hurried up and got out of the living room.

You know there were some questions I never answered. Well yeah in the heat of that moment at that time I definitely wasn’t feeling having to discuss what happened with that little girlfriend. She probably didn’t know that this was a very touchy subject and if you will it was a failure that I was still smarting from. Someone told her and she just go so excited and just didn’t know that this was really a negative subject for me. I also hardly updated anyone didn’t see a need to with family I just dropped it, this was one of those things I talked too much about.

If it was so built up in Nat’s mind it definitely was in mine until it fell apart. Not really her fault it was just how I handled it back then. I just didn’t want to talk about it and she was the last one that yours truly wanted to say anything about it to.

Another thing I mentioned back then was just that we’ve had some odd interactions where she guts upset and often I don’t come out well for it. I suppose she has some expectations that once I walk over them she just has a problem. For example, I didn’t know that she didn’t like shrugging – well I need to tell that story one day. In some cases if she had a problem with something she didn’t always handle them very maturely. But then in some of those incidents she was young and I’m betting some of this is her background especially with a mentally ill mother.

I’m willing to bet her own “maturity” causes her to not to be very upset with me. She’ll quickly forget what happened and try to be friendly again. It could be that she just wants to drop what upset her and certainly she’ll drop it once she felt as if she addressed it. Meanwhile I can hold onto stuff for a long time, while she moves forward I’ll turn around and say leave me alone.

Which for most of the last decade after graduating with my undergrad degree she largely has. I’ve been to a handful of reunions in the past decade and I’ve not seen her. I understand it’s usually vacations and when the family plans reunions it seems many of them are last minute. Once Natalie and Nate makes their plains there’s a scheduling conflict.

I did note that she sent me a friend request on facebook and when I didn’t accept or reject right away I eventually saw that it went away. Sometimes I might accidently hit a button whether to accept or reject and don’t recall that either way with Natalie, perhaps she just got tired of the waiting game or changed her mind. If she doesn’t take my actions very seriously, I’m sure she thought about some of my actions towards her over the years.

Oh and let me mention this, Natalie on the surface is very nice. On the other hand Nat has that angry side and its a side Ive encountered on occasion. And on this day at home, she exposed it especially after trying to figure something out about this little girlfriend. I can cause her to drop that happy smiley “mask” sometimes.

Finally another thing to add is that she was on the little girlfriend trip long before this. When my brother got married she started talking about it and had herself a “forced laugh” when she queried me regarding a dance I shared with some woman at the wedding. To be honest I don’t really remember who that “cougar” was but Natalie wanted to talk about it. When she found out I was going to visit another one of my uncles at a neighborhood watering hole she still had to state in a silly way that “maybe you will find you a girlfriend”.

Two of my uncles – one I don’t care for the other I cared for more – likely heard that remark and gave no response. Either they didn’t get it or they weren’t amused. Perhaps while her comment was thoughtless because we were going to a bar. At that time I wasn’t yet 21 and since my uncle at that time was middle-aged who knows what type of women I would find there. She probably didn’t really know…

Either way I’m planning to make yet another reunion over the summer. Perhaps we shall see how that turns out for yours truly. Will Nat and Nate be there this year?

Meanwhile feel free to check out The Cousin and Signals which are the most relevant posts to this revisit.

Shoot “One final drop”

I just want to touch upon that post and Anthony deciding to inject Finer Foods in our discussions as yours truly begins to gain some momentum at Fresh Foods.

Think about this for a second, he’s starting his second stint with Finer’s while trying to say “I think you’ll like Finer’s better” or “You’d make more money there” and the purpose of that post from over two years ago was him begging for money for the umpteenth time. Isn’t that a bit odd? He’s somewhere that he can make more money and in reality he wasn’t much better off than I was and he’s suppose to have as much if not more experience than I do.

One thing to consider, since he’s the type that likes to use his connections – which amounted to a bucket of spit as time went forward as I tried to leave The Show – he sure could have “negotiated” a much better wage. Then again the money he cited once he requested cash in hand sounds like basic starter pay.

I also considered when he gave me a number as far as how much he makes that he sneezes at benefits. He was telling me he was negotiating with the national theater chain to be a manager they make mid $30K he wants another $10K on top of that. He doesn’t care about the benefits he cares about the take home pay. Not only that I consider when we were trying to get a job with the neighborhood cinema his answer when I hoped they pay benefits was “make your own benefits”. In other words buy your own and he’s telling me this at a time when I had none and if any employer would’ve been attractive for me back then it was benefits such as health insurance.

Hoopty

When I think about it now, as we pull off in his overheating hoopty from the barbershop where I met with him to make the “drop” as we rode away I asked him how much he made at Finer’s and judging from his body language, he didn’t expect that question. It was sort of like now I’m holding him accountable once I told him that I wanted that money back when he gets situated. His personality comes ready for almost everything however this he seemed a bit sheepish and squirrely as if he really didn’t want to answer that question.

Of course let me add the reason this came up was not just the fact that he begged for yet another small cash infusion. It was because he decided to continue selling Finer’s putting over their candy popcorn and how it was the best since it didn’t leave residue on his hands. I took that as another attempt to sell me on Finer Foods just to illustrate why he likes them so much and why I must like them too.

As I just stare at him while we were in the barbershop with as little response as possible he continues with “just get an interview. See how much money they’re talking. And know your worth.” While I have to continue reminding him that I’m in training for a new role which could lead to mgmt in the future. It seems as if he doesn’t want to hear that, my seeming growth might have been an issue for him and there wasn’t much positive feedback from him as time went on. Probably one reason why he always seemed to bring up D.B. at random back then.

One thing I never explained very well was another theory. Why did Anthony just insist in bringing this up? For some reason it was on his mind maybe it was for whatever reason one of those things that just remained unresolved even if I finally left The Show. Or perhaps this was one of those things he can decide to bring up at random at some point in the future to cause some defensiveness on my end. And again as I’ve recently pointed out he may have had a strange issue with my seeming momentum at the Hole back in the first half of 2017.

Either way, he got his money and told him that I wanted that money back and he gave me a quick answer as far as how much money he makes. For all I knew it could just be a white lie perhaps his pay is higher or lower, but he wanted to show how hard up he was. Especially since you know he needed money for his son’s medical bills that he couldn’t raise enough from his family.

I have no real resolution to this however as not long after this I just stopped chasing him down. We didn’t really say much to each other for most of that summer into the fall. We didn’t really exchange texts or facebook messages. There were no real updates as far as when he expected to repay the money. And then who knows once he was ready to come back around and talk again it wasn’t to discuss paying back that small sum of cash, it probably was to beg some more because that’s the pattern of a man I have started calling the Friend.

Later this month I want to tell you about my last real phone call with him. While the end of our odd friendship was more drawn out process than that last call, it would mark the end of our “situationship” little did he know and little did I know. I got one hint for the direction, it was the first time after many years I had actually ran into Deranged Barney outside of my job.

Stay Tuned!

BTW, feel free to read and click through for the original post – One Final Drop.

June 2017

Hmmm, we’ve arrived in a year of crossroads in 2021 in more ways than one. However to go back to the original year of calamity four years ago. This month we begin to slide in the era I like to call the Reign of Error. Consider this month the pregame show as it were.

I was doing the buy/receive. I met the man later known on this blog as Ruthless Roger before he officially became our department manager. Our acting dept mgr was on her way out the door to pursue new opportunities elsewhere. We were heading into what turned out to be a very hectic summer, which is a normal summer in reality at the Hole. At the same time it probably proved to be more hectic even as I headed towards what turned out to be my last act there.

As I’ve spend a year writing a narrative about this period of time I make a connection which is wobbly to be honest, but it’s something that’s been noted here for a while. As my relationship with Rog starts to strain my “friendship” with the Fiend is beginning to run its course. As I don’t mind stating if not for the Climax of the Reign of Error perhaps I wouldn’t have really re-evaluated my relationship with the man I often call the Hustler.

It sucks to run afoul of a man who wasn’t settling down in his new role. It definitely sucks have built up tardiness later become a problem as time moves forward. I do think it was awful in the worst way that I continue giving money to an older man who seem to keep coming up with excuses to ask for money. At the same time still going out of his way to drive offer unneeded advice.

We’re going to further address the Finer Foods thing and to be fair I’ve stretched that out for quite a bit. We’re going to do that as I “shoot” on the episode One Final Drop. It’ll fit in the narrative of that episode I promise. But my confusion was why does he insist on advising me to get an interview elsewhere to make more money when things are going OK where I am. Well they were, but I was never at the point even when he brought this up that it was time to start looking for something else.

We’re also going to address that later this month and the very last phone call with Anthony as a friend. It just showed the main issue of our “friendship” or as I prefer to call it situationship. We just were never on the same page, he would come up with a problem with everything or a solution for an issue that never was. Or just this need to swing a conversation into another subject which is out of left field.

Which I can give you an example, the year before I worked part-time at a new cinema for the national theater chain. I eventually quit because I had some schedule conflicts, my planning in that instance wasn’t very adequate, but my priority was my full-time job at the Hole. Ant needed to know if I was still there as I never went out of my way to tell him and told him my reasoning. He still had to say something, “You’re going to learn not to let a job control you.” And that’s after questioning why I never made the arrangements that were necessary to do both. I made sure to tell him I had a full-time job that was a priority and what was it to him that he felt I needed to work two jobs or to question that it was necessary to quit one.

Even one person – a former coworker from The Show – who I told had to state that it would be very difficult to break even moneywise with only the job at Fresh Foods. That’s perfectly legitimate I suppose, however, the Fiend had to make this utterly earth shattering in his own distinctive way. Sadly this is what he does.

Either way this month four years ago whether I recognized it back then or not proved to be a turning point in that situation. Little did I know that I’d start my blackout after our last phone call. I wouldn’t even deem it necessary to chase him down for money he had borrowed from me that I told him he needed to pay back. And as it turned out my attention was going to be on the job which went from 180 degrees from where I had been most comfortable. Everything just seemed to flip on yours truly unexpectedly and I barely was able to catch up.

Later in the year I really would have no choice. The major part of the blackout was that I lost something that I had valued. And I knew the Fiend enough to know that I wouldn’t hear the end of his thoughts on that situation and what I should’ve done. So when in the next year he decided he wanted to be in touch it was necessary to block any attempt by him to assess my situation if that subject came up…

“He knows you’re using him”

A coworker from The Show – well formerly from there anyway – still talks to the Fiend and let me know he’s been talking about me a lot. There have been some inklings of it over the past year and heard more now. I also hear that Anthony is engaged to be married, remember sometime last year I noted he’s showing himself in the lovely embrace of an older woman. I said some choice things to this friend in light of the Hustler talking about me behind my back.

Of course not a lot of this should be a huge surprise. Even back when he just insisted on coming around back then just about a decade ago he was doing things like this. Perhaps Anthony just has such a negative view of yours truly even then and even when on the surface he was seemingly a good friend.

Either way since I’ve cut ties to him as of 2018 this revelation only serves to let me know it’s working. If he’s really running me down about a lot of the things he’s known about me even back then to even insisting on knowing my sexual status the main conclusion he’s upset that I’ve simply dropped him.

Basically he’s upset that I won’t talk to him. Think about it the last contact I’ve had with him was in 2019 he called me on Christmas Day and I never responded to his call or text. The last time we’ve actually talked was just about four years ago and it was a convo that seemingly fell off the rails.

At the same time did I get upset, yes. I even said to the coworker when seeing him on my way to the job that I hope the Fiend’s marriage fails. Even going so far to predict that he’s going to get divorced, even the coworker joked for “the fourth time” as he’s aware of some of Anthony’s personal failings. I immediately regretted that and called that coworker realizing I stooped to the Hustler’s level as my comments represented what he would do.

We talked about it a while as we have been over the years. He’s aware of the rift and tried to address whatever Ant was trying to bring up about my time at The Show. Again not surprised since he seems to remember the past or selectively remembers what he wants to remember. I’m not a very good friend as he’s so hard up I had to pay for his lunch, or when he didn’t have a car he got treated to rides in my mother’s vehicle that she lent me to go to any late shifts I had or the money he’s borrowed (at one time for a hot dog from the concession stand). Oh yeah I’m some friend, in reality yours truly could say the same for him.

Now the title of this post is a quote relayed to me by this coworker as told to Ant. True to form the Fiend denies it claiming he’s given me gas money and paid back all money which he hasn’t. He’s never given me gas money for rides in my mother’s car. He only does so when it’s convenient for him and worst still he might still come around and borrow money on top of money he already owes.

So the last time I really spoke to him he borrowed $100 for his son’s medical bills, I specifically told him as we left that barbershop that when he gets situated I wanted that money back. Of course we don’t really talk for a few months other than a random text pledging to repay that money he borrowed. Then once the blackout starts he starts calling and I wonder why, another small cash infusion? So more money on top of money he needs to pay back.

Now it could be also said that I never adequately stood up to him. I know him well enough to know that he’ll only add stress. Perhaps he’s saying what he wants now because I dropped him and he’s still not happy about it. He couldn’t just move on and not talk about me – perhaps you could say the same for me. I just think that if I confronted him he’ll just deny and throw it back onto yours truly. He’s going to establish his dominance and try to re-assert his role as a disappointed father. He’ll never recognize why after so much time I finally just backed away.

I’m glad I have one less stress on my plate, however, my handicap is to dwell on this whole episode as I have been doing. It’s a lesson learned as I seek to become my own version of The Head of the Table.