Updates

I went out of town this past weekend a few hours outside of Chicago in another state. Nothing really to report I was about as far in the background as possible. One night I ate so much food that I took to my hotel room from the picnic and from a local eatery that it made me sick. My stomach started growling when trying to sleep and realized my no. 2 had to come out….BAD! Sounds like pee but smells like poo, yuck!

Felt this way all day on Sunday and found out my bus back to chicago was late, sat around in our hotel (me and my mother of course) went to the bus station. They kicked us out because they lock the bus station down until the next station agent arrives in an hour. I got frustrated and upset at the time traveling with a parent who isn’t as mobile as she used to be. I recognized days later yours truly wasn’t being much of a “head of the table”.

We got to another city when we finally did catch a bus ultimately my mother and I had our feel of the bus and the train station was nearby so we took a train back home. All these delays in getting back home meant that I couldn’t be at work in the morning. That’s fine because after all these issues I needed some rest a break and my excuse was my stomach issues.

Almost got hit with a “improper call out” which I have known people to get into trouble for legit sick or not. Usually if you want to use your sick days, there isn’t many questions however I didn’t entirely follow procedure. For one thing after waiting in a bus terminal in the wee hours of the morning once I got on the train I stretched out and took a nap. Too tired to care when I should let my bosses know that Jack V isn’t coming to work to his assigned shift, though that’s a piece of business that’s still necessary. Either way the truth is I did have a stomach issue as opposed to admitting that I had issues getting home in time for my shift. Because unlike an earlier tardy which I’ve yet to share with you, who knows if a national passenger railroad will allow you a delay slip for your job. Both are true regardless but I was using a sick day and I’d be miserable going to work with an upset stomach.

Well thankfully it’s largely subsided since being home. Just been using some over the counter medication and following online advice avoiding certain foods, drinking water and teas, and eating certain foods like bananas. I feel great just won’t allow myself to do what I did this past weekend again.

Travel issues held up my timeline to finally apply for team receiver at the job. I was getting updates and was told by my boss finally that they will post that job. Not clear on the status of the team receiver who has been out for a few months, although he has returned and has taken shifts with another team as of now. Don’t know if he will be leaving our team or he will just transition to a new position on our team. Just don’t know as of now though I know he’s been talking about his physical therapy and how well it’s been going so on the mend it seems.

Hopefully this new journey will get me somewhere. Our dept has been understaffed and when I do the receiving usually I leave the load out because I feel as if it’s necessary to help push things onto the sales floor. It helps me to put things away in our backstock area. We’ve been understaffed and have lost some people during this rather hectic summer. So for now I’m doing the best I can.

As always if there are any further updates will be happy to share in the near future.

And for the record, they know I want to apply have declared my intent. They have been updating me and I’ve been asking all the questions I know of with regards to this situation. Again time will tell.

The cousin – revisited

I wanted to revisit this episode for a while. I wrote a post when starting this blog back in 2015 remembering an episode where a first cousin named Natalie came home to visit with my mother. Because yours truly can be the “brooding” type I stayed in another part of the house while my mother and her niece were entertaining.

I was on the computer at that point surfing the internet just doing what’s normal for me. My mother felt the need to pull me upstairs complaining that I needed to speak instead of being downstairs uninterested and oblivious. The excuse my mother used was that I had footage of the previous year’s reunion and the laptop I was using was the only computer in the house where my mother and Natalie could watch the footage.

Well here’s where things just didn’t go well. Nat got very excited to see me and while I was very short when she just got so aggressive with her attempts to reach out. I was not feeling this at all, and Natalie was either very oblivious or just wanted to break through. Meanwhile most of my answers to her was uh-huh, OK, nuh-uh, alright. I didn’t want to waste too much of my breath when I was more into cutting this off quickly.

My mother I recall just seemed very uncomfortable as her head was down I noticed at one point. Things took a turn when Natalie decided to state for the record – “I heard you got a little girlfriend“. Well now there was a trainwreck right there and part of the story I talked about this girl I called Nicole and it just didn’t work. Perhaps your hero just ran her away in spite of himself either way Nat decided to get in on this and I really wanted to cut this off. Once it became clear I wasn’t feeling it she finally sensed that this isn’t going where she wanted it to go.

She piped it down and sat back on the sofa, I hurried up and got out of the living room.

You know there were some questions I never answered. Well yeah in the heat of that moment at that time I definitely wasn’t feeling having to discuss what happened with that little girlfriend. She probably didn’t know that this was a very touchy subject and if you will it was a failure that I was still smarting from. Someone told her and she just go so excited and just didn’t know that this was really a negative subject for me. I also hardly updated anyone didn’t see a need to with family I just dropped it, this was one of those things I talked too much about.

If it was so built up in Nat’s mind it definitely was in mine until it fell apart. Not really her fault it was just how I handled it back then. I just didn’t want to talk about it and she was the last one that yours truly wanted to say anything about it to.

Another thing I mentioned back then was just that we’ve had some odd interactions where she guts upset and often I don’t come out well for it. I suppose she has some expectations that once I walk over them she just has a problem. For example, I didn’t know that she didn’t like shrugging – well I need to tell that story one day. In some cases if she had a problem with something she didn’t always handle them very maturely. But then in some of those incidents she was young and I’m betting some of this is her background especially with a mentally ill mother.

I’m willing to bet her own “maturity” causes her to not to be very upset with me. She’ll quickly forget what happened and try to be friendly again. It could be that she just wants to drop what upset her and certainly she’ll drop it once she felt as if she addressed it. Meanwhile I can hold onto stuff for a long time, while she moves forward I’ll turn around and say leave me alone.

Which for most of the last decade after graduating with my undergrad degree she largely has. I’ve been to a handful of reunions in the past decade and I’ve not seen her. I understand it’s usually vacations and when the family plans reunions it seems many of them are last minute. Once Natalie and Nate makes their plains there’s a scheduling conflict.

I did note that she sent me a friend request on facebook and when I didn’t accept or reject right away I eventually saw that it went away. Sometimes I might accidently hit a button whether to accept or reject and don’t recall that either way with Natalie, perhaps she just got tired of the waiting game or changed her mind. If she doesn’t take my actions very seriously, I’m sure she thought about some of my actions towards her over the years.

Oh and let me mention this, Natalie on the surface is very nice. On the other hand Nat has that angry side and its a side Ive encountered on occasion. And on this day at home, she exposed it especially after trying to figure something out about this little girlfriend. I can cause her to drop that happy smiley “mask” sometimes.

Finally another thing to add is that she was on the little girlfriend trip long before this. When my brother got married she started talking about it and had herself a “forced laugh” when she queried me regarding a dance I shared with some woman at the wedding. To be honest I don’t really remember who that “cougar” was but Natalie wanted to talk about it. When she found out I was going to visit another one of my uncles at a neighborhood watering hole she still had to state in a silly way that “maybe you will find you a girlfriend”.

Two of my uncles – one I don’t care for the other I cared for more – likely heard that remark and gave no response. Either they didn’t get it or they weren’t amused. Perhaps while her comment was thoughtless because we were going to a bar. At that time I wasn’t yet 21 and since my uncle at that time was middle-aged who knows what type of women I would find there. She probably didn’t really know…

Either way I’m planning to make yet another reunion over the summer. Perhaps we shall see how that turns out for yours truly. Will Nat and Nate be there this year?

Meanwhile feel free to check out The Cousin and Signals which are the most relevant posts to this revisit.

Timelines

You know I often speak so much about the Streak Era or the Reign of Error or perhaps a bit more long running the Planet Hustle period. There is one era I haven’t spoken as much about which is the Apocalypse Era and surely it sounds a lot more dire to you than it actually might be. Well you make the call on that as it’s spelled out for you.

The Apocalypse Era began in January 2017. At that point in time my mother was out of the hospital and while she wasn’t down and out she was complaining how she just didn’t have any energy. So while she was convalescing at home she wasn’t 100% after her recent weeks stay away from home.

My bedroom is next to my mother’s and I heard her discuss the situation of her then job at the time. She had a financial adviser crunch some numbers as she explained the current situation which was her company was increasingly unstable. The company’s longtime owner had passed away and his relatively young cute widow took over as principal owner bringing in consultants. The new owner who actually inherited the company one could say just was in over her head – you know it sort of sounds familiar doesn’t it?

In any case by 2017 her company was shut down and my mother was ultimately out of a job. It wasn’t expected at least on my end, I thought it would survive and sadly it didn’t. Not only that my hope was that even if it was relatively brief my mother would eventually return to work and it wasn’t to be. That’s why from January 2017 forward this is the apocalypse era.

I wrote about this at the time, this is the time Jack V had to step up to the plate. I’ll have to be the one to bring food home and more so now that my mother isn’t making the bacon she used to. It just had to be noted that my mother still buys most of the groceries, however, she’s not out and about as she used to be. Also it’s a bit weird that she’s still buying groceries as yours truly is currently working at a grocery store and had been since 2015.

We went to a Fresh store in the suburbs a month or so ago and spend more than I ever had at the store just over $60 and thats with a Fresh Foods discount it would’ve be closer to $70 without it. Sometimes it’s not that common for my mother to spend over $100 for groceries. However, you do what you have to procure necessities. In my strategy I try not to spend that much though since I do work at a grocery store it seems little by little I always grab necessities just about every shift.

To be honest though I didn’t take this whole Apocalypse Era very seriously. Perhaps it was just a difficult situation to face that my mother is effectively retired and yours truly has to be more responsible for himself. And as we lead into what became the Reign of Error yours truly faces the real challenge of that emerging timeline which is losing his job “unexpectedly” at the Hole.

I was reaching my apex for that time, working on a new role in my dept which hopefully meant a promotion. I don’t want to tell the whole story, but there is a reason I slipped from that apex. The management change in my dept just didn’t help at the time. It’s safe to say I was starting to run into a real brick wall in the form of a new manager. Needless to say just as the Apocalypse Era was in full swing all the sudden there was a stop in my income…

Watching wrestling there is a character I’ve increasingly became enamored of and he refers to himself as anything from the Big Dog to the Tribal Chief to the Head of the Table. In my own ego I don’t just want a seat at the table, I want to take the table with me when I leave. 😛

Still I’m trying to get into that mindset now although we’re over four years into this new era. I don’t want to get into the mindset of this character who tells his cousin how everything he does now reflects onto him. If he loses then the locker room won’t respect the Head of the Table. The Head of the Table is the one who’s bringing in the bread….

I feel as if without the very egoism or narcissism of this character, and in light of the revelations of Planet Hustle this is the mindset I need. Yours truly has to do a better job of handling his own business and especially at the home I still share with my elderly mother. Jack V has to be more responsible for myself and that means just as the Tribal Chief does, I have to do everything to secure the resources that are available.

When the Apocalypse Era started I still largely dwelled on the so-called Streak Era which marked the drive to find a new drive or indeed my time at The Show. Right now I’ve largely dwelled on the Reign of Error and Planet Hustle. Now it’s time to secure my future in the Apocalypse Era….

Christmas

It was a tradition with my father’s brothers and sisters to have a gathering at one of my aunt’s house on Christmas. She was very lively and was heavily involved in church activities. Her cooking was often top notch and most of the family who was available to attend from cousins to her siblings and then even in-laws would come over to eat and socialize. For my part I just stay in a corner and people would often just approach because of course that’s what they were there for.

Well, the last one I attended it was when my mother was getting out of the hospital after getting further treatment for her condition. I didn’t stay as my mother who was waiting in the car probably was advised to avoid gatherings, you know social distancing because of the treatment she had – very much pre-pandemic. While I didn’t speak to anyone other than my aunt that I recall my only purpose was to pick up a plate she fixed for my mother on our way back to our home on that day.

That’s the last one I recall and it’s something that I now realize I took for granted. That aunt I’ve heard this year is beginning to lose it. Her mind just isn’t what it used to be and she is up there in the years. Alas since I’m not always the most sociable, I didn’t always want to be bothered. And there were times she’d lay her sociability very thick and often there was no favorable response from me.

My mother had to tell me some of this is because of my dad’s untimely demise and yes he went to these gatherings but owing to his temperamental nature I’ll bet he didn’t go every year. I get the sense that at some point my dad kept his distance from his family.

I remember we were with another aunt and my dad carried on to the point where she just got out of the car and took a bus home. She got tired of him and I can’t say some of this was his personality or his substance abuse.

Well I took a lot of these things for granted. Here’s hoping you’re cherishing the memories you’re making now! Never take anything for granted as one day it can be taken from you.

I hope you’re having a happy holidays this year.

Lately as we head into the holidays

Sorry to have not been updating as much as usual. I had some posts in the pipeline I had been working on and find myself less than satisfied with them. My birthday had also just passed so I wouldn’t be too upset if anyone left some belated birthday wishes.

Work has largely been uneventful had quite a few nights lately. Something I’m just not happy with, but what can you do? Options with jobs are largely limited right now. Especially at Fresh Foods, but then unfortunately I can have a one track mind about that…

Of course two of the more dominant subjects on this blog recurring was about the Hustler and the Reign of Error. There’s not much I want to write about the Hustler although the last time I saw his fb page I see him in the loving embrace of a woman. That may mean I may not hear much from him unless that falls apart. I could say he’ll find a way to alienate her, however, allow me to be optimistic and hope for the best of the couple. It seems like a mismatch she is older and very attractive she takes care of herself very well. The Hustler aka the Fiend is very grizzled, I would dare say he’s led a hard life then again he’s always looking for drama so his face reflects that.

My mother is doing OK, getting older and may be in line for the vaccine for this bug. I hope she just doesn’t buy into it hook line and sinker, but hey she is also at the most risk for this thing. I’m just glad that I hadn’t brought anything home with me, though for the most part I have been as careful as possible about it. Usually when I come home I spray disinfectant usually in the kitchen since I usually leave some items in the kitchen until my next work day.

I shared a pic with you all on instagram on a night where I was grocery shopping and beginning to see the shortages. It’s always temporary but it was jarring to see at the beginning of this crisis back in March how bare store shelves were. We could talk about dairy, produce, canned goods, meats, toilet tissue, sanitizer, disinfectant….could I go on. I’m just glad when this vaccine goes to those who need it most we can finally get out of this crisis as I just know there are many who are growing tired of it.

I’m still working on the Climax and sorry to not be as forthcoming on it. My goal as a writer is to be as satisfied with the finished product as possible. Hopefully I get some time off and can finish it soon.

Finally allow me to leave you with the theme from Midnight Cowboy. It’s a movie I’m not that familiar with though I see through synopsis that it has some familiar themes of loneliness or male alienation. I suppose it’s relatable in that case, however, with work that can change. Yes?

December

Before I knew it was December and usually I update this blog often enough to find things to talk about even retreading some old stories. I still haven’t put a satisfactory story together to discuss the climax of the reign of error. I hope to be motivated to do so during the course of this month the last one of 2020 a very fantastical year in my own memory. I hope 2021 will start off differently.

I had a nice discussion with my mother recently and I basically led with some unusual occurances at Fresh Foods in other stores. For example one of my former colleagues Mr. Boastful had moved on to Fresh’s flagship store to become a buyer and during the course of the year witnessed a regime change as the boss who hired him moved on.

Reportedly by someone who’s formerly worked with the company and who I formerly worked with at my current assignment that manager was essentially fired and now he’s no longer with the company. His job was posted though at some point he eventually left before I finally saw that they filled his old position. I get the feeling that Mr. Boastful will find himself going elsewhere in the near future he is the type who will get a bit disatisfied with his role and surely it’s because he knows he can do better.

Another odd occurance is that the store manager is also leaving as his job is now up. For now he remains in his current position however time will tell to find out if he’s leaving the company or he’s just moving up or moving on. Probably unlike what happened in 2019 with the Hole’s former mgr Morley. However in both cases I’m out of the loop and only they know what’s going on.

As far as the dept mgr who’s gone, I’ve never met him. When I arrived on the scene at my store he had left a while back. I didn’t hear many good things about him and often his portrayal of that was as a hard manager. At least he made good money at Fresh’s flagship store as it had been one of the top stores of the region.

Meanwhile as the pandemic continues I’m still surviving and looking for the right position. I’m still hoping Larry will have a position available for me to pursue in the near future. His dept hasn’t been hiring at all since this pandemic became a thing. It is what it is, I want to finish what I had started during the Reign of Error. I want to be able to do what I wanted over two years ago.

For now all I can do is pursue the opportunities that are available for me as of now. And I hope to do a bit more posting during the course of this month 🙂

Project Excel

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The events of this moment of my life happened halfway during my senior year of high school. I don’t know how much of this to tell and that may come later, however, this post has remained a draft and in light of my current situation its come back to mind.

My mother and I had talked about this event over the years. She always says that she was trying to help and when she brings it up at random – as in to turn this into a disappointment – I’m always defensive about it. However, on my end the position had often been I’m defensive because of how it all ended. Not because I never did this Project Excel – pre-college – program, but because I didn’t keep this from becoming a thing.

The reason why this situation became an episode that I was very unwilling to give a teacher at school who I’ll identify as Ms. T – T was for Tenacious – an answer as far as my decision on this program. I don’t know if it’s indecision on my part although to be honest I just thought she’d move onto the next person. However for roughly the next month as this took place during January and February, she would come around at random and just check on me and often I was annoyed with this.

One memorable follow-up during this period was she came to my class probably pre-calculus to follow-up on me, she straight up said she tried to call my house but no answer. Well I knew what likely happened I was probably on the internet using a dial-up service that’s why she couldn’t get through as my mother would often express frustration at not being able to call home while I’m online. So anyway in the absence of a direct answer she continued to come around.

Things eventually came to a head, and I was forced to let my mother know about it. And that was something I dreaded, because in my youthful mind it was inconceivable that Ms. T would continue to chase me down. In this case, she never asked me if I was interested and I never told her. She just had me call my mother at work one day at school and my mother got excited and gave her blessing. Even at 18 I still needed parental permission to do this program, however, other than not wanting to be bothered and thinking it would go away I’m in something that I never really consented to.

Ms. T never bothered to ask me in a school office that day, she just insisted right there that I call my mother. It just never occurred to me that this would go that far and it just did. So I dreaded the moment my mother would ask for the forms she needed to sign, I hoped she too would forget about it. I don’t want to tell that story yet though.

I’ll just say that in the ensuing years she did express that she had been frustrated that I showed no progress in my direction in life. And she left me defensive when she brought it up, just something to bring up and that’s it. I never understood that strategy from anyone at all. It’s like keep that burden in his head no matter what. You made a mistake you’ll never live that down!

In later years and not making a direct reference to this I actually told my mother that if she was concerned about what was next in my future I had news for her I had no clue. I took the ACT and made an average score. Taking the ACT takes cash, I didn’t have much aside from my late father’s social security survivor benefits. Applying to school takes cash and so does tuition books etc it was a bit overwhelming and during my senior year I proved to be in very little rush on that.

I could even note that my mother was with me on two visits with military recruiters back then and she showed very little interest. Granted once I turned 18 it was all on me anyway, but what exactly did I need, why the hesitation? I had no idea but my answer to that was we never really discussed this. I also knew what her expectation was – and of course she immediately used the term steered and that was never my point – it was to go to college and do very well. I was never sold on it until I enrolled at a downtown community college just before the end of the registration deadline.

When I was still 17, I visited with a armed services recruiter and they definitely were working on me. They even provided me a form that my mother could sign so that it would be guaranteed that yours truly would enlist upon high school graduation. My mother didn’t want to sign, not so much it was a bad idea but I do think she didn’t want me to sign up for the military just yet. She expected me to go to college, it was what she wanted but what was necessary to be successful I was woefully deficient in that endeavor.

I think a real discussion could’ve made some difference back then and I also know that yours truly wouldn’t have made it very easy. It would’ve been hard to really pin me down on some things, I know this because later on she did try to pin me down on some things – let’s say about finding a job over the years. But in this case as far as what’s after high school it was really necessary.

Instead during the second-half of my senior year of high school her solution was force me into a program just because I had nothing else in the pipeline. I think I told her the basic story, a lady at school was chasing me down, never gave her an answer either way, next thing I know you get a phone call from this woman and I’m in it anyway. And it forces me to figure out how to get out of this situation and the ending was less than ideal at least from what I had envisioned, however, that’s another story for another time.

I also hit upon one thing as I write this. The year before my dad had passed away roughly this same time except during my junior year of high school. I think now during this period with my mother’s actions it only served to expose her fatalistic tendencies. She began talking in terms of she doesn’t know how much longer she’s going to live or I may not be around much longer. She wanted to see me do something right now!

It comes up every now and then and it’s only now that I concluded that his sudden demise – even if I think he did it to himself due to his substance abuse – really affected her. It’s caused decision making processes such as this over the years. A lot of what happened in this episode was unnecessary in reality, in my estimation it could’ve gone differently and it didn’t. It went the way it was supposed to.

The problem is, I handled this the way a child would. I absolutely resisted as I really had a problem with this. I didn’t know this was dangerous, however, if things had gone the way it would’ve in my head back then perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad. It was just too bad that in this moment, my mother wanted to be all over it.

TO BE CONTINUED….

Outbreak

I never thought I would work somewhere that would get heavily affected by a “pandemic”. I never thought I would see a run on toilet tissues, paper towels, sanitizer, etc and see empty shelves. People panic and things you take for granted in abundance now you see on empty shelves.

Basically I work with food anyway and lately I’ve been more fastidious about keeping my counters sanitized and my hands washed. Now what I think about more is my elderly mother who’s hardly out there in the world getting sick with a virus that now she’s far more vulnerable for. Though she’s not suffering some of the conditions that makes one more vulnerable to the debilitating effects of this disease.

What I’m somewhat OK with is that for those who aren’t vulnerable it’s only contagious. It’s spreadable and thus you won’t get very sick though that’s not to say you’re won’t feel some effects. It just means you have to maintain social distance from others to keep them from falling ill.

Thankfully the many measures to really combat this are mostly common sense such as washing your hands or covering your mouth when you sneeze or cough. Since I wasn’t prescient enough to buy more hand sanitizer I have to make do with what I still have in short supply at home. It’s too bad about the panic buying once it became clear that this virus is spreading.

Either way I’m looking forward to when we finally reach the peak of the bell curve and when we do reach that point society can get back to some sense of normal. I thought 9/11 was something, but as it turned out we haven’t seen anything yet.

Be well…

“Truths never told”

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During my 6-month-hiatus from Fresh Foods I admitted that there were a precious few people I told about my situation. For example, I told Keith from The Show the story about what happened and even told him what happened with the man who I initially pointed the finger at (i.e. he got demoted and resigned was my story at the time). I saw others from The Show and I never told them just kept the status quo story that back then I still worked for Fresh. I never even told Henry as we were still in some form of contact, just saw no need.

Well I got another truth I never told. Well I definitely never told Anthony about my situation as I wouldn’t have heard the end of it. He’s such a loud mouth staking a position but has no basis for it. I got even more news for you as much as he had something to say about my switch from Gotham Bank to Fresh Foods I ever told him that I lost my job there as well.

I also never told my mother that I had interviewed to return. The interview I had was’t very good with an assistant store manager – he was in the office when I got let go. He probably didn’t remember me anyway and had a bad impression once I interviewed. Like I stated earlier perhaps it was just a personality clash we weren’t going to mesh well. Although my initial impression of him was he may be rough around the edges but he seemed approachable. However my approach didn’t work.

I tried to get some updates from one of the supervisors and got shut down at which point I realized it was time to let go. He later on admitted that the fact that I didn’t get hired was odd to him. He probably didn’t understand the decision making although in reality as much I tried to keep up my optimism it was the interview that tanked my chances. Whether on his part of my own it just wasn’t good.

I often still say that it would’ve been a great story for me to return to the Hole after 6 months away. Return to the “scene of the crime” as it were and go back to where I started. It wasn’t to be and it only opened the door for an opportunity elsewhere. I wonder if I’d have been such a drag if I had returned talking about that /goofball during the course of a shift. I’m sort of glad it didn’t happen.

Now, if I did return it would be a vastly different situation than I had left. Many of those characters I knew back in the day are now gone dispersed elsewhere or out of the company altogether. If I tried to return two years ago with some form of familiarity, now I just have to treat it like a new situation.

Incidentally I talk about some aspects of the background of the “reign of error” with my mother. I told her that I had applied two years ago to return, but never that there was an interview. Told him that someone who still works for the show now including a supervisor had tried to put my name forward and nothing came of it. In reality I had an interview and nothing came of it.

Either way before the episode On the spot, I had made an attempt to return to the store that I got hired at Fresh Foods in the first place. Instead not getting this opportunity allowed me to take on an opportunity anyway. Although as I’ve often said as of late it’s far more likely that I’ll return to the Hole than it is for me to return to The Show.

Dreams

I wrote about the idea of my dream earlier this year. As my birthday passed recently I’ve thought about it more and more. Even better I see that Tommy has finally realized his dream fairly recently, he wants to work on a farm and tend to some of his favorite animals.

Earlier this year I wrote that I’m just not sure what my dream is anymore. As always with life sometimes a dream can always evolve into something else. I dream of having my own family, my own home, paying off my out of control student loans, make six figures, go back to school to get a masters, running my own business, etc. I can have all those dreams and will have no idea where to start.

I thought about my childhood and the life I imagined back then. For example, I’ve hinted at this during my teenaged years the military had my interest. Having had some family in the military perhaps my goal was to move up the highest ranks of the military. Better yet, I wanted to emulate my heroes from one of my favorite science fiction TV series of all time although yes we’re not fighting any alien species at all so far.

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Picard, the inspiration?

I find myself wondering lately how I got sidetracked from that. Well it didn’t help that during my high school years my dad had passed away suddenly. It’s been documented on this blog that he just couldn’t stop drinking. The addiction to alcohol caused my dad to neglect his health and as a result he passed away from a severe stroke.

At one point I just thought I’d be in the military. I get away from my dad’s anger (sometimes over things he could change but just wouldn’t and blamed others) and his alcohol. At one point in time the military just would’ve been my way to get away as it was unthinkable that I’d still be at home on guard for any temper tantrums while sober or worse while he was intoxicated. Then suddenly he died as his body couldn’t take his own abuse anymore.

I’m still trying to figure out how I got sidetracked, due to my fluke honor’s grades in high school my mother expected I’d do well in college. It was not only her expectation, but those on her side of the family. I find myself wondering if I made the wrong moves back then. Even talked to my mom later about this, we just didn’t really discuss plans. She just had her expectations and had been frustrated when I just wasn’t moving fast enough. In reality I had no clue, what was the point of this college thing? I just didn’t understand…

I wonder where I would be if I just started building after high school as I’ve really started building in my 30s. To truly grow was slow going to be sure and although I’m a year older the building hasn’t finished and I won’t stop growing. I just realize at my own free will and with the information and knowledge I had at 18-19-20 I made the move that felt right at the time. I just wish I had been more money hungry back then as opposed to getting older and getting serious.

If yours truly had joined the service back then it just would’ve been a regular job and I’d be working as long as I don’t break any rules or regulations. The benefits would’ve been great and I’d take advantage of G.I. benefits to go to school if I so chose. It could’ve waited, if I wanted to go to Mission College it would’ve been there for me when it was that time.

These days I know one vague dream I have today, what if I ran something. It’s a recurring theme to talk about going into mgmt or take on a more serious role. Perhaps even start my own business. Definitely considering the degree I attained 10 years ago to make an impact on the world. Right now I’m not sure where to begin, but as long as I’m in good health that’s going to be an ongoing objective.