happy father’s day

you know on this day i have to mark this year as 20 years since my dad passed away. actually he had passed away in march of 1997 as a result of a stroke. severe high blood pressure took him out of this existence.

the last night he left home no one had any idea he wasn’t coming back. he worked the night shift for the public schools and it was surely a lonely job. hell i spent the night with him at work once. doing rounds in an often big empty building is surely very lonely.

at the same time he chose the job, not much different than how i chose some of my jobs. they hired you and nothing much going on so go ahead and take it so that money can be earned. however on this fateful night it turned out to be a bad thing.

why is because he’s working in a big building and was found on the floor. probably was making his rounds and collapsed, whenever that incident happened there was no one around to help him. whoever came to the school in the morning had to find him.

now this may have nothing to do with my virginity however i had a basic understanding of relationships thanks to my parents. my dad as described was often an angry man and at times took it out on his family. sometimes he wasn’t drunk when he did it.

so either way he didn’t really get along that well with my mother – yet she wouldn’t leave him fearing he couldn’t handle that. my dad ballooned in weight the years i knew him in part due to his alcoholism and appetite. if anything my dad was unappealing increasingly to my mother. something even he noted himself in a drunken rage one night.

unfortunately he seemed unwilling to really deal with it. attempting to quit drinking cold turkey didn’t seem to work for him. he already had issues with high blood pressure and had a ­­­Rx for it. sadly i’m of the understanding that if it was a choice between medicine and alcohol he’d often choose alcohol.

the appetite part came in this way. for example my mother noted that when they were out driving my mother suggested they stop somewhere to eat. my dad might  stop to eat but barely touch his food or he’d just say he’s not hungry. either way later on he gets his nip….

this was a man who needed help and wasn’t seeking it. if nothing else he had the benefits for it or perhaps the connections but i know nothing about whether or not he sought help for his addiction and his emotional issues. all i know today is that he never got the help he needed and he’s no longer with us.

to be honest i wanted to write this post since march which is the month he passed. never found the time or inclination. so apologies if this is just simply a downer father’s day post for you all.

odds & ends

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my friend anthony is again trying to get me to work with him at “finer foods”. i met with him recently – he hit me up for some ca$h again – and he casually said “are you thinking of jumping ship?” at this point my only answer is no.

then he suggested get an interview see what kind of money they’re talking. even during the heat of the “streak era” he was into telling me about negotiation. especially when i was entertaining leaving “the show” for another theater. of course negotiation is out of the question when you’re not getting the job in the first place.

* that brings to mind a botched interview  back in april 2014 he wanted me to have with the store he then worked on the northwest side of chicago. i called up the store director at that store and set a date and time. when i think about it today he the s.d. was a very fast talking guy as if he was very busy. as it turns out perhaps he was in over his head.

i went to the store and was a little late because i’m not that familiar with that part of town. i was kept waiting for a half-hour before someone came out to speak to me. this person then asked if i was sure i was meeting with the s.d. then my attitude came out. simply put i spoke with him if he assigned me to anyone else i’m not aware of it. i was kept waiting for almost another half-hour before finally being told the s.d. was meeting with his district manager and won’t be able to meet with me and sent on my way.

so on the day when anthony sent me a quick text suggesting i try for his new “finer foods” store a big “wtf” came across. the last time he brought this up i quickly just stated “you must have a hard-on for me working at ‘finer foods'”. he quickly backed off stating that he was just stating with my experience i could get more out of it.

now back to what happened. i texted him quick telling him there was no interview and why – and just think a little over an hour before he was wishing me good luck. no luck needed no one interviewed me and they kept me waiting to tell me they weren’t going to interview me. almost two days later he shitted on me for not following up. why would i want to follow-up with people who didn’t respect my time? they made a mistake they should follow up with me.

* with this in mind i’m thinking anthony was giving me shit because my job search up to that point was netting me no results. nothing was working for me between august 2012 to october 2014. he had little problem noting that i don’t really follow-up on these interviews. perhaps he was doubting my ability to really score the job.

after that dust-up i avoided talking to him via text and phone for a while and he maintained a laser focus on getting me to talk to his hr contact up there. i sent an e-mail explaining my actions and he though the appropriate reply was when i call their hr. i was a long way from wanting to go back up there when that blow-off attempt at an interview happened.

* and yet i found my way at “fresh foods” later without the experience at “finer foods”. having worked with people that formerly worked at that establishment i’m not too unhappy that i never got my opportunity. it seems many left them behind very unsatisfied whether it was the pay or the culture. who knows why anthony seems to like them so much – aside from the fact that they’re union.

* his pay blows mine out of the water i’m real close to where he is only about a dollar difference. he claims to get $900/wk take home and i make about $200/wk less. he throws around the know your value thing but i know mine now perhaps in terms of intra-company promotions or even changing companies. which ironically i consider say between a grocery and a theater. though when i accepted the job at the “dine-in show” i didn’t negotiate pay.

now that i’m largely on target for a promotion which could surpass anthony’s level of pay it’ll only take something crazy for me to jump ship. right now i may consider a intra-company transfer even at the same level before going to “finer foods”. sooner or later i can just tell him to forget about that fantasy.

oh yeah and also bear in mind he just returned to that company starting off as part-time. he hopes to make full-time, however, where he had been at first he claimed there was too much red-tape for that to happen for him. i’d say for now i have a better deal.

holiday season 2012

 

a very bizarre and bad year was finally ending. some conflicts really came up during the course of the year with a number of young women and a really unhinged crazy older guy. the young women only know their motives maybe they were trying to score some points or maybe it was just their natural inclination to cause conflict and drama. don’t know but 2012 seemed to be a year that attracted those types and they made their moves.

many of them didn’t last the whole year some quit probably tired of the job probably found other opportunities and some got fired. they scored their points and really got nothing for it and moved on. still their effects are still with me to this day even if i never have to see or speak to them ever again.

the older guy was a nutcase who often advertised at least with me his social media video channel. what i saw i didn’t like and unprofessionally began share that non-sense because he kind of irritated me and also found a way to score some social points on me. he had me somewhat confused and upset, but he being who he is still wasn’t in with anyone at the job. however, because of his mentality people actually thought him scary and i was the only one who messed with him.

one problem, i couldn’t always break through to him. my actions which i deeply regret today were to just be outright mean to him because while i tried to be indifferent to him he still like to try to have a conversation with me. i simply wasn’t going for it and he never immediately picked up on it. when i publicly went after him at work it was a show, but it only made him relevant. it also didn’t help when it was often instigated by a mischievous coworker and sometimes i started it regardless it helped me decide that i had everything to lose while he had nothing to gain or lose.

with that episode that is now my conclusion, this lonely and very deranged man was looking for relevance. he behaved like an internet troll and although i knew who he was i gave him the attention he needed. i should’ve just not fed the troll.

for going after him i was rewarded with a number of social media videos that has him mention my name. one got him fired by the end of the summer because he portrayed a superhero who cuts off my head. this is what a deranged person does and it took me going off on him one last time before he got fired and i was the subject of many other videos after that.

to be honest i took me a while to cool off from this. even worse people were wondering why i kept talking about it. they were right i should’ve shut up about it, but i wasn’t smart back then. in fact i would set this as a sign of clear frustration with my role at “the show” and finding myself taking it out on people i worked with. a pattern that didn’t change until i finally left.

also, i may add that those who wanted to look down on me as a person found nothing but excuses. the feud with mr. deranged may have knocked me down a peg in some peoples eyes no matter how i justified it. but there are other reasons but only the ones who engaged in their behaviors towards me know for sure.

this was why i really was looking forward to the management interview i had for a small theater chain. it would’ve been an escape and the interview went well but it wasn’t meant to be. on the surface my time at a premier downtown movie theater with no management experience made it easy for the owner i met with to cut me out of the process.

while it hurt and i dwelled on it for the next two years there were some other issues at play with that company. know that as it unfolded back then it should’ve dulled the pain a little bit during that difficult period of time.

also the house manager – the number 2 guy at the show – decided to “pinch” me for being late. the guy was a dick to be honest and promised to write me up the next day for my excessive tardies, he never did. and because i didn’t like his plan and how he decided to talk so tough I gave an attitude and he also decided to find things to pick about.

by the end of the year i had an interview with a bank that didn’t pan out. i don’t think i gave it my all when it came to a phone screen. but then i figured in the new year there will be other opportunities to find another job. by the end of 2012 there was still no immediate escape for me.

so the one escape i took near the holidays of that year was that i went to another downtown theater in a span of a week i saw two movies. i saw skyfall – james bond – which was something i was looking forward to. then i saw lincoln which was a biopic about abraham lincoln’s legislative campaign to free the slaves. to be honest i nodded off during the early part of that film and that theater was paaacked people really came out for this movie on new years eve.

that spring i paid my first visit there just to check out it – the movie was this means war. a coworker had worked there and said he was fired though he never said what he was fired for. i just decided to check out this facility and it was nice and different. seemingly “the show” seemed somewhat bland in comparison although it had an urban feel to it. the newest hip place to catch a movie compared to this other facility which had been open almost 10 years but still looked great.

to be honest i just wanted to make some comparisons and later on it was to determine if this was somewhere i wanted to work. the theater by my house i saw how they did things then i saw how this other theater did things. then compared that with “the show” just to observe mostly and of course catch a movie.

this established a pattern that lasted until i finally quit the business in fall 2014. instead of taking advantage of free movie tickets i chose to go to another theater to catch a movie. i just saw no reason to catch a show at a place i was finding myself largely at odds with. so when i left this place and had to go back to work at “the show” it was back to reality.

either way after the holidays and after several disappointments with my beginning job search i had to deal with a little more frustration for the next year and 10 months…

the return

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when jack v returns again to “the show” as an unwilling “tourist”…

recently anthony and myself did lunch at a local portillo’s restaurant and one that was newly opened near downtown chicago. we seem to like to talk about some of the drama we had at “the show” as it’s often the dominating topic of discussion. of course we do veer off into other subjects.

for example when we left portillo’s we went into a local container store where he decided to track down a manager. when we hang out he often times seeks out a manager to discuss a potential job opportunity. the first time he did this his first question was management training programs.

he often likes to talk about the gift of gab which is to just talk and gather intelligence. ask a question get an answer and gather more intel. when i first saw him doing this, it was during my initial job search trying to leave our mutual employer of the time. even with his advice i still failed to even connect with a new job which could be a matter of i failed to take heed or i did and got no results at all.

he did something totally unexpected on this occasion, he went into our former employer just to use the bathroom. i’m very tempted to say he did this on purpose. and he knows the nature of my history with that place and said come in anyway i did. needless to say this wasn’t the first time i paid this place a visit and unexpectedly. the first time i did i saw the changes.

the changes when i visited was the concession stand now sells alcohol. of course due to liquor laws it would have to be sold and poured into a cup which isn’t classy but that’s what it is. alcohol can only be sold by someone 21+. those who are 21+ have an indentifier.

i see that and can say if i had remained there that would’ve been my future. i’d be pouring alcoholic drinks behind the concession stand. at least at the theater i just quit this year i’d get the opportunity to be a bartender and make some tips at least. there it would still be a minimum wage job.

often times when i talk about my history with this place i basically direct some of my comments to the people who i’ve had issues with. many of whom are likely no longer working there as they’ve likely secured their futures through school or a better job. most of the time i recognize that with many of them i’ve alienated any relationship with them. to which i say this…

some of the people i worked with who did get along with me were still happy to see me. i feel as if the ones who didn’t care for me decided to find others who felt the same way or attempted to speak ill of me to anyone who’d listen. perhaps in some cases they failed in spite of themselves. i didn’t alienate everyone and perhaps that’s the best revenge i could have.

all the same change is good. “the show” had to change their business to continue to make money. i needed to change jobs and get more than i had been getting at “the show”. also needed to change jobs because i’d have to pay for parking as an employee and that wouldn’t have been acceptable.

on top of that the people i worked with needed to change also. many of them needed to grow up and i needed to grow up. for me to grow up meant i had to leave that place behind. may that process continue…

Love shy

shy-smileyafter starting this blog, i joined a web forum at http://www.love-shy.com/lsbb/. the one reason i found this site because i began looking for answers without having to pay a therapist. not that i think anything is inherently wrong with me, but sometimes it pays to have to talk through whatever issues i may have. the issue now is well i want to lose my virginity before i turn 40 which is not that far away anymore.

that’s as much of an issue as me wanting to marry and have children. and somehow i’d have to get through the barrier of finding a suitable mate who is able to accept me for who i am. as much as i believe i have things going for me, it’s difficult still to find a woman who is interested in me. of course the bad thing is women are picky and have no problem picking apart what they don’t like about certain men.

i consider the story of candace that i wrote about a few months ago. i noted that i’m not entirely certain what my deal was other than her approach. i considered her aggressive as far as attempting to keep my attention, but i was for whatever reason cold or unresponsive for the most part. at some point in spite of her ways of letting me know what i was doing was mean she eventually left me alone.

was this a case of being love shy? a case where i was fearful of giving a girl a chance who clearly wanted one. of course, this could also be a case of i made a good call – if it could be called that – because if i got her or her me who knows what direction our potential affair would go. indeed i’d have been left in the cold anyway.

either way the thing is if the right girl got me to settle down and evaluate why i haven’t been able to go all the way with a woman i have always had a script in mind. if a woman wondered why it hadn’t happened for me and ideally all over me discussing this i could flat out say i just don’t know how. that would be true because basically i have no experience in even attracting the attention of a woman.

most of the time it just happened, but often it’s also a matter of keeping her attention. in my case these things just happen with no effort on my part to get her attention. consider candace, although something about me got her attention whatever it was.

either way the answer may not be important only to help me get to the point where i’m very comfortable with a woman so that we could have a relationship. in addition if that happens even before i finally am able to answer the why of my dilemma perhaps the question won’t matter.

The return

Machine-Gun-Kelly-The-Return-Video-Music-Official-WatchThree times I went back to my old longtime stomping grounds and each time it seemed I came back as a legend. Of course there are those who for whatever reason didn’t care for me. I made some enemies (thankfully most of them left by the time I finally left) and mostly during a period where I was most frustrated. And they made it worse because they made it about them when it really wasn’t. That’s what happens when you work with young people.

All the same I told many of my ex-coworkers where I work now. And tell them how much I make and the benefits my hours and all that. My hope is to encourage them and maybe they may apply to my workplace and I help them get on.

Another coworker asked if I’d be interested in coming back. My only answer is that the price is high. Not money just if you want me back promote me. That simple it’s what I wanted while there but made the mistake of hoping they’d notice with no prodding on my part.

Later joked to my coworker whom I’m still in contact with there who got promoted about me becoming a GM there. That idea gives me giggles and would be a change from the place as it is now – at least for him. In his opinion it’s much worse since I left, especially with new managers and their quirks and a lack of planning in some areas.

Another manager asked strangely enough about people showing me up. He probably knows it had been an issue for me when I was there. All I can say is that people like that are everywhere and there isn’t much you can do about it other than play the game to shut them up. I’ve told one story about such a person and when that manager asked that question that was who I had in mind.

This was something of a formative experience and admitted that as much as I had wanted to leave I’m on the outside looking in. It’s very hilarious to me now as it’s unfathomable that this would be my mindset.

Leaving this job was a great unknown for me however it was unquestionably the best decision I have made. While the job I left for initially hadn’t worked out, I still found myself in a better position now than at this time a year ago. Leaving this place was in part the end of my frustration.

BTW, another young ex-coworker of mine hope to break my record. I made it to almost 5 or so years with almost no break there. Most people crash & burn ( get fired or quit) or just find something better. Finding something better is always good but the crash and burn how do explain that to future potential employers?

You make the call

YouMakeTheCall

This is a story I’d like to tell, and if you’re so you’re allowed to make the call. Whenever I’ve told this story the responses have run from you blew it, to why did you treat her so bad, or I’ve shown her who’s boss. The show her who’s boss one is very rare to be sure.

Either way a few years ago I had a coworker we’ll call her Candace who at that point was 19-20 years of age. She had a nice set of eyes, a nice body, and long hair…real hair. She was really pretty and definitely had a smile on her.

The story starts when I was running late to my job at a movie theater. I hurried put my things away in the locker room and moved quickly to the time-clock. The locker room was down a hallway and near an auditorium where two other female coworkers were standing outside. I didn’t see her but Candace said, “Hey Jack”. I looked back and the other two ladies that I saw didn’t acknowledge that they said anything. It was at that point I said nothing and just continued on my way. One of the girls standing around said a faint “DAMN”.

After I had clocked on and was officially on duty on that day I made my rounds Candace came over to me and started saying repeatedly, “You know you heard me talking to you.” I repeatedly said “What?” as I attempted to get around her and she matched me move for move. Another female coworker got in the middle and told her not to fool with me. Unfortunately that was only the beginning.

At other points Candace decided to ask me who my favorite music artists was. Since I was older she mentioned artists I never heard of. I never really answered her questions about this. Other times Candace generally just attempting nothing more than to speak. For the most part, I often would just walk away without a word and sometimes she would make this exasperated sound.

One time in fact, she got mad when a supervisor behind the concession stand spoke to me and I spoke back. She was looking around getting upset because I responded to the supervisor.

The last time she attempted to converse with me was when I was at the concession stand looking for a cup of water. Just for kicks I put on a show and looking for laughs and got them. Candace came over to start a convo and another guy I worked with got in on it. I had bought a muffin from a local grocery store.

Basically my responses to their questions was generally “a leprechaun gave it to me”, “you didn’t pay for it”, etc. Finally I told the guy where the muffin came from, but Candace took it further and asked if I had walked there. My answer was, “I flew”. She gave an exasperated expression and announced she’s done.

After that Candace rarely said much to me and still attempted to speak to me. One time I was taking care of a customer she snapped at me after she spoke and I failed to respond as if I didn’t hear her. I gave her a tense “What?” response and then said “Oh” when she repeated her greeting.

The absolute last time she ever spoke to me at all was in a hallway and I had been looking at promotional materials. Candace again spoke to me out of nowhere as I was somehow engrossed. I was about to speak until I decided to look up to see who spoke. She was walking by alone and I quickly went back to what I was doing and she had no reaction this time as I saw her from behind walking away.

To be honest I’m not entirely sure what happened here. I feel as if my problem was lack of interest as I didn’t even pretend. Candace was one of the more aggressive women I had encountered. There was a point she demanded my attention and I wouldn’t relent.

Is it possible that I missed something here? Definitely. Candace probably could’ve broken the dry spell, but I had to have been willing and apparently I wasn’t. Another friend had suggested that she wanted to see if I’d go for it and shown that I wouldn’t.

Either way, she started in the spring time and by the end of the summer Candace was gone. Her time there was brief, but she left behind some drama that had little to do with her trying to “holla” @ me. I may talk about that in the near future.