signals

let me start off by saying using a video of a railroad semaphore signal seems a bit counter-intuitive, but i assure you this video is relevant as far as this awkward subject. it’s all about whether or not someone is giving you the go-ahead signal. trains run the same way either you got to let a train pass before proceeding or you got the all clear and the train can move forward.

do you remember nicole? while barely mentioned on this blog or at least her story she featured in one story i wrote regarding my cousin natalie. my cousin took a greater interest in the story at the time than i wanted and simply shut down any attempt at a convo based upon this by offering nothing but silence. natalie who does like chatting kind of got the hit and left it and me alone…

as far as nicole, well it’s a cautionary tale with a variety of tactical errors. and to be fair it was a case of jumping a gun and the signs were in front of me that she was giving me a stop signal. with regards to if i was looking for signals from nicole, i wanted to see a proceed signal and sought to interpret and overthink them to the point where it was favorable. well it never happened and i hung around with her for far than i should have…

this was the biggest ouch of my life. i wanted to believe nicole was going to be my girlfriend and my belief proved to be wrong. as it turned out i made a mistake and as a result nicole probably still doesn’t want to speak to me today. it’s possible from my obsessive attempts i only served not to cultivate a relationship, but only cultivated avoidance. who knows if she’s ever moved from her negative feelings about me, i know i still have my negative feelings about it.

a typical post where i talk about the women and describe them physically. this time i won’t, overtime i had to convince myself that although i thought nicole was attractive my view of her has changed and that includes her attractiveness. over the years i have thought her attitude when she wanted nothing to do with me made her very ugly to me. though these days i accept my role in how things simply went due south at the time.

having met her through my first room mate at “mission college” one mistake i had made was assuming her niceness/friendliness was a signal interest. it wasn’t when i decided to express interest she described it as a misunderstanding which wasn’t what i wanted to hear. these days i try to pay attention when a girl seems interested only to just pull back when i try to reciprocate. my goal is to try to avoid making assumptions in some cases i can be too cautious and a girl with a wandering eye can go with who’ll give her the attention.

another error was situational as i attempted to ascertain whether or not she was going to my campus to play pool i asked her if she was coming over. she was like you know maybe i don’t know we’ll see, then i felt dejected and walked away. someone touched my back & shoulders when i left. i was in a courtyard during a weekly student block party and there was a stairway into a yard with students standing around.

now i figure it was someone else who probably did the touching. probably steadying herself or perhaps himself coming down that hill and i was the only stable object. problem is i wanted it to be nicole and made the mistake of asking her which began to cause other problems as it was an excuse to express interest. she couldn’t say whether she did or she didn’t and i never looked back when it happened so it’s possible she didn’t thus it wasn’t a proceed signal. unfortunately i didn’t want to believe that and held onto it for a long time until fairly recently.

another error was waiting for a signal of any sort and making assumptions based upon it. like one time i was singing to myself leaving “hillman” and nicole was horrified when she saw me. except i took that as a signal of interest because she had a horrified look on her face on that occasion. well now that it’s been interpreted by me as a proceed signal although almost a week before she gave me the signal i should’ve heeded – she wasn’t interested. regardless interpreting these signals as “interest” it caused me to further awkwardly make my presence known.

eventually it was all for naught and someone i didn’t know finally came around and told me to leave her alone. too bad this was before the iPhone and quality mobile photography. it got really scary and reality was it was entirely my fault because i failed to pay attention and heed her signals. i wanted favorable signals, but the signals she actually sent weren’t.

for all that happened then i feel bad because if she knows my room mate whom we’re still somewhat in touch although only friends on fb at this point. he’s never said anything and when sh*t hit the fan i learned my lesson. he’s never mentioned anything about that whole episode with me even though i know there had been opportunity to do so.

nicole as a student at “hillman college” was a freshmen when i first met her as a transfer student. i was gone for a year and a half returned to establish relations which incidentally i had done so seeing her at “misson’s” recreational hall playing pool. when i greeted her and after she closed our convo, she greeted me with a flirtatous look but only after she indicated that there was someone who didn’t like her hanging out with men. i can safely consider this a mixed signal, though certainly for me i saw it as proceed when it should’ve been a stop because she didn’t intend to give a clear answer as to whether or not she’s spoken for.

with this said since she was a year or so older at this point and certainly had a direction for her life being a junior when i returned to “mission” perhaps it was a bad time to approach her for dating. who’s to say she already had other things that stressed her out it could be her studies, other men, family life, etc. meanwhile i was just returning and although i was older probably did lack a direction. it’s possible whenever she saw me i lacked a direction and she could probably tell “there was no there, there”. i literally came in with not a whole lot to show for myself at least not at that point in time and that could include the idea of “no potential”.

so a few conclusions. i could relate this to what happened with candice years later. i missed candice’s signals because i chose not to pay them much attention. and she’d directly let me know it was a problem for her when i blew off her signals. basically candice was looking for something with me and i for whatever reason chose to not heed her “go-ahead” signals. i’m a long way from saying this was a matter of caution – to avoid misinterpreting her signals – or just a matter of avoidance from a rambunctious young woman.

with nicole i was looking for her signals and she got pissed because i wasn’t heeding them. the signals essentially was a no-go and i was again oblivious. even had some dear friends at college told me i should leave her alone and even that advice wasn’t enough for me to end my own semblance of a chase. and once again i wanted the signals i wanted which basically was, “come here big boy”. the actual signal was, “get lost big boy”.

candice – i can’t say what my problem was with her. perhaps it didn’t take long for me to realize there was nothing there from me with her. what i say later seems more like an excuse now, regardless at the time she insisted on my attention it seemed a little too much too soon at the time. i don’t know whether or not i can call this a missed opportunity or a dodged bullet.

nicole – only she knows why she wasn’t interested in me. perhaps i wasn’t showing that “mission-man mystique” which is believable. perhaps my awkward attempts to give her attention at one point was a little too much too soon also. could certainly be a botched opportunity or more accurately a non-starting opportunity. sometimes i wonder if this had been a dodged bullet.

 

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Isolation

I think this describes my situation:

It’s especially difficult to find a partner if you don’t like to go out much.

Redditor ShakerJew explained that they think they’ll stay a virgin for a while:

“I have no clue how to advance relationships beyond friendship … I’ve never even held anyone’s hand… I’m not ugly at all either. When I see people in a relationship I just think ‘Wow that must be nice but that is not for me, I can’t have that. I must deprive myself of happiness.’

User another-redditor3 echoed this sentiment:

“Not much of a story really.

I’m 30, unemployed, live at home with my parents and have nothing that even resembles a social life. I talk to friends online once every few weeks or so, but it’s been 18+ months since I’ve seen any of them in person.

As for interests/activities, the few things I’m interested in are solo activities, or male dominated.”

If you’re not interested in checking out new places to meet potential dates, that’s cool. Focus on your own fulfilling hobbies.

Now I got to think, what kinds of hobbies can I get into where I can meet people. Perhaps I can join a college alumni group who will on occasion support the sister “Hillman College”. Perhaps I can take some art classes or something like that. There is something I can get into that will enable me to find this fable companion or at least meet new friends.

the hook-up

34608175474_d8b6f9ca61_z.jpgI’ve learned how my old friend Anthony has the need to get himself into drama. the drama itself doesn’t really involve him and yet, he gets involved and it has very little to do with him. he’s the nosy neighbor who we may groan about however we’re glad he’s around when we need him! I don’t always feel that way about him.

Another thing Anthony likes to pivot into when we talk is my love life. it’s something he decided to not only comment on one time he actually did try to arrange a date. actually because he decided that I was a virgin – he was right, but I tried not to go there with him – he tried to get me to talk to a number of women we worked with at “the show”.

The young lady in question he did actually try to hook me up with – we’ll call her Greta – he wanted me to take her to the Chicago Theater for a comedy show. to be honest I was lukewarm about the Chicago Theater, when he suggested – more like demanded – that I go to a show at Chicago so thus it was important for me to check ticket prices. whatever they were it stopped me cold and it wasn’t because I was a cheapskate more like it became an excuse for me to not go to this event with Greta.

This wasn’t a knock against Greta who was a twenty-something woman outside of my race who had worked at “the show” with us. she was a quiet and short-haired blonde woman who I found attractive though somewhat “perfectly imperfect”. at some point in the previous year before Anthony’s attempt at a “hook-up” she had quit “the show” and was promoted to manager at another smaller movie theater in the city.

we actually visited her at this theater on the north side, almost missed her as she was setting up the concession/bar area because she had changed her hair color. we even sat in one of the auditoriums there just to check out that venue. and this was one of those Anthony wanted to be nosy days and he was mostly in touch with her. I even made note of her hair color complimenting her.

after that brief visit, I more or less just forgot about her and went back to some form of business as usual. every now and then anthony may bring this up and say are you going i may give an answer but not really an affirmative. he one time texted me about this one time attempting to turn this into an overarching point about trying to be a manager.

what was Anthony’s motives, not certain other than he saw the need for me to go out. it wasn’t enough that i often liked to go to the movies alone – and at that due to my own unwillingness to go the movies at “the show” even if it was for free as an associate. he wanted me to go out with Greta and have a good time out on the town and go out. he really wanted to see me take a woman out or relate to a woman or whatever. after a while for some reason he moved on to some other things and forgot about this event he wanted me to go to.

that was until Greta called him to ask about this event. i suppose she was starved for updates also and more so than i had been. so he checked on the available seats and saw that they had been diminished considerably. disappointed – and with him trying to reassure her – she just simply told him “I’ll talk to you later” and hung up. and guess who he called after that….

He had already called me earlier on that particular day and we never talked about this comedy show. so after Greta called him he immediately called me to yell at me because it was my fault that we burned a bridge with her. in failing to cover this event in Anthony’s word what i did wasn’t cool. the reality, even if Anthony thought he broke through, I really had little interest in this event in the first place. if i was going out with anyone I’d be more than happy to make my own plans! I never told him this but he probably didn’t really factor in my apparent level of interest in this.

it almost reminds me of how he somewhat campaigned to get me up to his “finer foods” store on the north side, especially after getting blown off by his store manager after almost an hour. it never occurred to him that I lost interest after that and he still felt as if i should’ve followed up on this. and then when i moved on from “the show” ultimately to “fresh foods” he started his campaign again with the idea that yours truly would like “finer foods” better and because of my experience i would make more money. so he still pivoted into my business as far as making a move that could net more more pay!

these days he finds a way to bring this up now. when he borrowed money from me he still insists that yours truly blew it with greta. and i kept asking him “blew what?” and he didn’t mind stating repeatedly “you blew it with her”. of course before that there were other situations where he brought it up, bottom line is that he felt as if my actions helped burn a bridge with her. he made it a lot more than i thought it was at the time and for some dumb reason i have a tough time even accepting this.

i could put this situation in the same vein as the one with candice. though in candice’s case she was far more aggressive about it than greta was. i suppose that was the turnoff with candice more than anything. in the case of greta it was more third-party meddling that made things far more interesting. either way both situations became something i wasn’t very comfortable with and it was easier to do nothing when in doubt than to simply take advantage.

 

it’s candice’s turn…

img_1148-1in this post i’m going to discuss some remaining business and analysis regarding candice. you first read about her in a post titled “you make the call” and generally shows my response to her sudden interest in me one summer when we both worked at “the show”. it left me very uncomfortable in some respects and she was very determined to keep my attention until she stopped.

in later posts i referred to her as missy’s good buddy. missy was the one-off foe who spend the remaining time she had at the theater powering tripping because of her “connections”. with this in mind i now consider missy & candy (hey that rhymes) something of a one-two punch or good cop and bad cop – hint missy was the bad cop.

to illustrate this point one-time outside of a auditorium as a movie let out missy so incensed or out of control because i ignored her for most of my shift said one infamous thing to me and far more infamous than a threat – “if i’m a bitch, then i’m going to be a bitch”. candace was that probably not egging her on, though certainly not trying to calm situation down and besides i wouldn’t pay a whole lot of attention to her anyway during that time. regardless missy lost all control and as she lost it i strove to maintain my own. she wasn’t going to get me to say anything i didn’t want to and whatever i was going to say was going to get her going because she was already there.

now, candace was essentially laying down a welcome mat for reasons only she knew. when i tell this story to some of the young men i work with they don’t understand, the opportunity was presenting itself and you wouldn’t go for it – you BLEW it. it never got through that perhaps i had little interest in her and it was largely based on her young behaviors and certainly what i see as her aggression in trying to get my attention.

i have one theory as far as why everything happened and i’ve deduced it to one night that summer – before “the show” got particularly busy later that summer. the move in question on that evening was the purge and she – as far as i knew just arrived on the scene at that point. i walked up behind her, perhaps got a lil too close and told her to turn the radio down. unfortunately we didn’t have ear-pieces for the radios like most other businesses that uses walkie-talkie. we had to remember when we walk in a theater to turn them down while a movie is playing.

soooo i think at some point as the theater let out and we began cleaning we talked about the job and then forgot all about her. the girl in question somewhat matches my basic description of candice – a young girl (19 or 20), nice body, long real hair – that she probably put into a pony tail, and a nice face for sure. perhaps it set her interest signals off and in the meanwhile i just thought not much of this after that.

of course as stated in that long ago post she spoke to me as i rushed to the time clock having been running late and after blowing this off she walks up to me and blocks my path as i attempted to go around her. something really set off in her mind after simply not realizing or knowing that she was trying to speak to me and i didn’t speak back to her. basically this started a long summer trend where she tries to speak and i generally don’t respond. occasionally i’d just engage in sarcastic behavior finding it amusing to myself but not to her as she really wanted to talk to me and all i did was push her away.

one particular part of this story i noted was that a supervisor said hello to me as the theater was shutting down for the night and i spoke back. candice was behind concession and was upset that i spoke back to the supervisor – and this is because i mostly don’t just say hello back to her. she was seen just twisting and turning because of my general response to her wasn’t different than my response to the supervisor. in fact, the supervisor did ask, “why are you getting mad candice?”

one part of the revenge candice offered was one night when i had to close the floor at the theater. i left my walkie at the customer service desk thinking i didn’t need it anymore. minutes later candice who was off duty for the night came and found me and made sure i got that walkie back because another one of her buddies a supervisor decided that i needed a radio. as i complained she walked off without a word just back turned and probably satisfied with my response.

this other supervisor was a loud mouth and sometimes didn’t seem to have a steady mood with me from day to day or moment to moment. eventually after basically sh*tting on another associate at the theater she got herself fired. there is an official reason, but allegedly i can say she really got fired for treating someone badly.

one final moment not before mentioned. one day candice and two other young women were often seen huddled around auditoriums before the movie starts. everyone wasn’t supposed to be together like that. and one of those women were supposed to be doing rounds about the facility with me. and she didn’t like to do much work anyway – even if later she expressed interest in becoming a manager and it never happened.

either way this young woman asked if i was doing this, that or another and i simply said yes & no as i kept walking past the sisters. candice jumped on this immediately saying something undecipherable, and certainly it was about what i just said. another young lady who witnessed the whole convo – and whom i never said a whole lot to – simply chimed in with “he’s got a smart-ass mouth”. before i wrap up the storyline i’ll introduce you to her this particular one is called the “bullshark”.

otherwise after this candice and yours truly never had words cross paths with each other again and incidentally the next year i saw her on a train as i headed to the north side. i figured out who she was seeing some traits that reminded me of her and it certainly included a tote she often carried with her to work. if we made eye contact she’d immediately break it, but message clear that wasn’t the time to make a connection with her. she headed north and i got off at my stop.

now jack, why had you been responding to candice that way?

to be honest i kept doing what i was doing because it amused me. i never saw what i was doing as a rejection and it never occurred to me that candice would simply leave me alone. that being said her behavior was somewhat aggressive on some level especially the time she snapped at me behind concession as we both had customers to take care of – that was patently aggressive. otherwise her need to keep my attention was definitely aggressive and i wouldn’t respond to her.

as much as i characterize my response as a non-rejection it was certainly a reaction. remember i’m in my early thirties college graduate and working with young people who are still developing at a movie theater. here she comes matching me move for move repeating that “you know you heard me talking to you”. that behavior didn’t compute and any other times after that i just simply decided she was trying to hard and perhaps she did have an agenda. but then this agenda is really an unanswered question. was she really interested in me or did she really want to add to the gossip? btw, any gossip about me my goal was to remain blind and i tried not to care unless someone just mentioned it to me out of the blue.

now that i’ve grown a bit such then i did consider looking for candice on social media. the only social media i see her using is instagram and she had exhibited – because she’s young still – the need to show herself off. when you think about it most young women do like to show themselves off. i suppose the only question today is if she’d remember who i am and if she would ever connect with me on instagram. perhaps then i could attempt to explain some things as back then i had no willingess to explain some of my actions to her. besides my actions should speak louder than words even if they had been uncalled for.

all the same i’ve never really came up with a very satisfactory answer as to why i kept blowing off candice. to use the whole standing in my path thing was a bit of an excuse more than anything. to be sure it was irritating at the wrong time given my situation, but of course she may well have seen it differently. obviously there was a reason why she wanted my attention. and as stated once the more she continued the more sarcastic and oblivious i became.

one more tidbit here one time i was off of work and switch from my cap and uniform shirt and as i walked from locker room candice saw me and attempted to speak. she tried to compliment my hat but to whatever she said i basically kept saying “what?”. another coworker off to the side obviously saw this whole convo as awkward. candiace had to stop and say “i’m complimenting you” or “why are you being mean” or even at another point “i’m trying to talk to you because you seem like you need a friend”.

btw, in anger even missy said to me during her out of control moment outside of an auditorium, “you need a friend jack”. almost as if saying – and this was long before i ever started having real issues with colleagues at “the show” – that something was brewing and i had little idea.

all the same her reaction summed up her attempts to be friendly with me back then. i was being “yours truly” at the time, and she was essentially being pushed away for her troubles. as it happens for the most part when her attempts to reach out is rebuffed she often gave an exasperated expression before she just moved on. when i walk off with no word, exasperated. when i get sarcastic, exasperated. an odd cycle i established…

as far as ever finding a way to reach out, my only answer is that it’s probably not a good idea at this point. she’s likely moved on and forgotten about me probably found others who were more willing to give her the time of day. hell she actually did allegedly find someone who would give her the time of day while still at the show. and she had her supervisor call off for her when she failed to report to work on one occasion allegedly.

all the same it’s a lesson learned and perhaps i treated her quite unfairly. candice really wasn’t a problem, however, her approach of the time being a young woman just wasn’t appreciated. on top of that now I consider this a sign of my now growing frustration with my role at “the show” and candice was likely going to have a difficult time breaking through.

relating

i’m only sharing this article with this quote:

One of the biggest turn-offs for men is disrespect from their spouse and yelling is a form of disrespect when done inappropriately as this woman was doing. At least this women recognizes that she had a problem. There are many wives who do not and they yell and act disrespectful of men and then wonder why men avoid them. That doesn’t sound very empathetic to me.

a common these with young women at “the show” had been odd conflicts with young women i had great issues getting along with. many had wanted to find something to complain about displaying in some respects there need to be take charge or more accurately their need to distract. most of this may well be their inability to truly read me or perhaps a need to seek out male attention though utilizing mainly negative means.

let’s take me out of the equation, some guys know how to handle this and got the young women or girls interested in them. some were young a precious few were much older. it could indicate that some of these young people have a horrible time relating to men. same as who helen smith above is referring to.

a wife or girlfriend may yell at her husband or boyfriend because she knows no other way of relating to them other than as boys to be raised. perhaps some young women use that same approach with men whether in their lives, at school or at work. treating them like sh*t will get them to pay attention to me!

except it may cause the opposite. perhaps you get resentment and perhaps a man who’s attention you seek will only stay as far away from you as possible. though with immaturity it’s possible one can’t understand the problem is actually within not the other person.

at the same time, i recognize that my problem is just as easily i had a rough time relating to the young women. if i’m a thirty-something working with teenaged girls or early twenty-something women it could become a gap that is insurmountable. of course the reasons for this is actually varied though not something to get into right now.

cheap sex?

cheap sex? are men not marrying because sex is easier these days with contraception? are men also not marrying and having relationships with women because of easy access to pornography? the link above is in reference to a book looking the evolution of today’s relationships between men and women.

the first part i may somewhat understand, but is a shame. i believe in abstinence believe it or not. that’s the best way to not get pregnant or contract an STD. find someone you really like and trust as if you were going to marry them and go for it. that or wait until marriage. yeah i know old school and naive right?

i also want to add another dimension to this. my friend anthony likes to cheat shot me on his “knowledge” that i don’t go out with women. he likes to lecture me on being part of the world not living in it. even tells me that i blew it with some girl he tried to set me up with – no thanks.

once upon a time i looked down upon it, however, i have little problem with those men who want to chase p*ssy. if they enjoy hooking up and being with women then at least they’re doing something that makes them happy. even if my own bias suggests that they need to just pick one and be with her.

at the same time anyone worried about me not going out and chasing women need to stop and be concerned with their own lives. there are more pressing issues than trying to hook me up with women they think i’d be a good match with. and even worse even suggest an expensive entertainment event to bring someone with.

regardless, perhaps i’m not the recipient of the cheap sex that has helped men avoid getting married and perhaps caused women to settle. then again that’s ok when the opportunity arises for me sex and/or marriage will happen. in the meanwhile what a shame that we’re even discussing cheap sex.

Are nice guys really that bad?

I think of myself as a long way from being a nice guy. With that being said those who are, probably have been subjected to women who are for whatever reason difficult to please. Perhaps the list I found was legitimate in some respects others are just plain nitpicky.

It’s a case of what do these woman want to be satisfied. They may never figure it out and probably will have to go through some serious changes to determine that. In my case there were a handful of situations where I simply lost my patience with particular women.