Psychology

I’ve had to rewrite this post several times and to be honest it just seems to be a longer post for someone who is no longer considered part of my future. I met the Fiend a decade ago and my “situationship” won’t just be characterized as hell it was just a situation. The situation was just to his liking and he helped created it and yours truly just fell in.

I’ve been told that the Fiend is something of a narcissist. Well I don’t have the means, training, or ability to diagnose him as such. Some aspects of his behavior seems to inform of a psychopath, sociopath or narcissist spectrum. For my own purposes his behavior fall in the line I usually just stop at which is a user.

I do think he looks for people he can get something off of. If you remember he’s said to be engaged to be married. In my humble opinion he does seem to place a lot of value on sex. He wants to know when you lost your virginity and me not having much success or even seeking much success in that area it seems on some level he looks down on me for that. And that’s just a start to perhaps his real feelings about yours truly.

I wish it hadn’t took me this long to recognize that in some way his true feelings about Jack V were never good. It causes me to dispel the notion that we were ever friends. The fact that we even got close was because more than likely there was something in it for him. It could be a ride home or money from me for his needs.

It hits me that I can call him the Hustler because he wanted something. The Fiend is everything else perhaps his reasoning for why he had such a low opinion of me in reality. There were times he told me that he liked me personally and on the other hand he outrights lets me know his true thoughts about me. His true thoughts let me know that he looks at me in the worst ways.

I feel as if I encountered such behavior before perhaps in school. The Fiend will just discard you until you’re needed and it’s not about a final score. Perhaps that’s why when I started my blackout, he continued to try establishing further contact. I’m sure in spite of his negative notions about me, he just had a problem with me not responding to him. Perhaps it was my duty to respond when he comes calling.

Just consider a post I did earlier this summer hearing about him really talking about yours truly to another ex-coworker. He’s probably upset that in his words with no contact that I just dropped him.

Another way of looking at this is that perhaps the negativity he drops onto yours truly is really the negativity he feels himself. This same coworker believes the Fiend has some of his own issues with self-hate. Perhaps he hates his own background (possibly racial), has his own inadequacies (sexual or financial) or just hates his situation in general. All I can say at this point is that all of them are only his problem as far as Jack V is concerned.

I’ve been hearing that the wedding for the Fiend is now off because he couldn’t help but cheat. Not sure if this can be verified independently, however, if that’s truly what’s going on it’s no surprise. Anthony did show that he has a roving eye drooling over women he views as attractive. He states matter of factly how he can manipulate women into having sex with him – like it’s normal – and he portrays himself as not above satisfying his needs with women who are already in a relationship.

Also stated before I just don’t think he has any true idea about being in relationships romantic or friendship. I do think he’s a user whether for material things or just to satisfy his own needs. Beyond that perhaps it’s possible that in reality he’s just a lot more lonely than he realizes.

Oh yeah forgot one final piece to his psychology. Dominance and control are my favorite two terms as part of his fiend persona. One time we were talking and I got smart with him and he raised his voice with “DUDE!” because while I have to tolerate his personality he often can’t seem to tolerate mine. And his next statement was “If you don’t do it to your mother don’t do it to me.”

That was something when he feels as if I’m out of line he started saying. If you don’t do it to your mother why would you do it to me. My response was exactly how I began to read it.

“You’re not my dad” I responded. And he gets defensive saying “I didn’t say that”. The bottom line is that his personality quirk of dominance dictate that I have to treat him as if he was above me. I’m his lesser than and he more often than not conducted himself accordingly with yours truly.

And I consider that fact kind of hilarious when I recognize now that in the very beginning he chased me down and not the other way around. He gave me a reason to steer clear and he continued to come around until he got what he sought. And I didn’t do much pushing back even when knowing what he was doing.

Timelines

You know I often speak so much about the Streak Era or the Reign of Error or perhaps a bit more long running the Planet Hustle period. There is one era I haven’t spoken as much about which is the Apocalypse Era and surely it sounds a lot more dire to you than it actually might be. Well you make the call on that as it’s spelled out for you.

The Apocalypse Era began in January 2017. At that point in time my mother was out of the hospital and while she wasn’t down and out she was complaining how she just didn’t have any energy. So while she was convalescing at home she wasn’t 100% after her recent weeks stay away from home.

My bedroom is next to my mother’s and I heard her discuss the situation of her then job at the time. She had a financial adviser crunch some numbers as she explained the current situation which was her company was increasingly unstable. The company’s longtime owner had passed away and his relatively young cute widow took over as principal owner bringing in consultants. The new owner who actually inherited the company one could say just was in over her head – you know it sort of sounds familiar doesn’t it?

In any case by 2017 her company was shut down and my mother was ultimately out of a job. It wasn’t expected at least on my end, I thought it would survive and sadly it didn’t. Not only that my hope was that even if it was relatively brief my mother would eventually return to work and it wasn’t to be. That’s why from January 2017 forward this is the apocalypse era.

I wrote about this at the time, this is the time Jack V had to step up to the plate. I’ll have to be the one to bring food home and more so now that my mother isn’t making the bacon she used to. It just had to be noted that my mother still buys most of the groceries, however, she’s not out and about as she used to be. Also it’s a bit weird that she’s still buying groceries as yours truly is currently working at a grocery store and had been since 2015.

We went to a Fresh store in the suburbs a month or so ago and spend more than I ever had at the store just over $60 and thats with a Fresh Foods discount it would’ve be closer to $70 without it. Sometimes it’s not that common for my mother to spend over $100 for groceries. However, you do what you have to procure necessities. In my strategy I try not to spend that much though since I do work at a grocery store it seems little by little I always grab necessities just about every shift.

To be honest though I didn’t take this whole Apocalypse Era very seriously. Perhaps it was just a difficult situation to face that my mother is effectively retired and yours truly has to be more responsible for himself. And as we lead into what became the Reign of Error yours truly faces the real challenge of that emerging timeline which is losing his job “unexpectedly” at the Hole.

I was reaching my apex for that time, working on a new role in my dept which hopefully meant a promotion. I don’t want to tell the whole story, but there is a reason I slipped from that apex. The management change in my dept just didn’t help at the time. It’s safe to say I was starting to run into a real brick wall in the form of a new manager. Needless to say just as the Apocalypse Era was in full swing all the sudden there was a stop in my income…

Watching wrestling there is a character I’ve increasingly became enamored of and he refers to himself as anything from the Big Dog to the Tribal Chief to the Head of the Table. In my own ego I don’t just want a seat at the table, I want to take the table with me when I leave. 😛

Still I’m trying to get into that mindset now although we’re over four years into this new era. I don’t want to get into the mindset of this character who tells his cousin how everything he does now reflects onto him. If he loses then the locker room won’t respect the Head of the Table. The Head of the Table is the one who’s bringing in the bread….

I feel as if without the very egoism or narcissism of this character, and in light of the revelations of Planet Hustle this is the mindset I need. Yours truly has to do a better job of handling his own business and especially at the home I still share with my elderly mother. Jack V has to be more responsible for myself and that means just as the Tribal Chief does, I have to do everything to secure the resources that are available.

When the Apocalypse Era started I still largely dwelled on the so-called Streak Era which marked the drive to find a new drive or indeed my time at The Show. Right now I’ve largely dwelled on the Reign of Error and Planet Hustle. Now it’s time to secure my future in the Apocalypse Era….

Christmas

It was a tradition with my father’s brothers and sisters to have a gathering at one of my aunt’s house on Christmas. She was very lively and was heavily involved in church activities. Her cooking was often top notch and most of the family who was available to attend from cousins to her siblings and then even in-laws would come over to eat and socialize. For my part I just stay in a corner and people would often just approach because of course that’s what they were there for.

Well, the last one I attended it was when my mother was getting out of the hospital after getting further treatment for her condition. I didn’t stay as my mother who was waiting in the car probably was advised to avoid gatherings, you know social distancing because of the treatment she had – very much pre-pandemic. While I didn’t speak to anyone other than my aunt that I recall my only purpose was to pick up a plate she fixed for my mother on our way back to our home on that day.

That’s the last one I recall and it’s something that I now realize I took for granted. That aunt I’ve heard this year is beginning to lose it. Her mind just isn’t what it used to be and she is up there in the years. Alas since I’m not always the most sociable, I didn’t always want to be bothered. And there were times she’d lay her sociability very thick and often there was no favorable response from me.

My mother had to tell me some of this is because of my dad’s untimely demise and yes he went to these gatherings but owing to his temperamental nature I’ll bet he didn’t go every year. I get the sense that at some point my dad kept his distance from his family.

I remember we were with another aunt and my dad carried on to the point where she just got out of the car and took a bus home. She got tired of him and I can’t say some of this was his personality or his substance abuse.

Well I took a lot of these things for granted. Here’s hoping you’re cherishing the memories you’re making now! Never take anything for granted as one day it can be taken from you.

I hope you’re having a happy holidays this year.

Inspired

I realize that blogs can be a means of creative expression. Yes here many of the posts are based on my own real life events. I don’t know if you believe that there is a dearth of experience on my end. However I’ve written about things that has happened and it seems I’m still processing the data.

My last post I shared a track of music from the classic picture Midnight Cowboy. The character arc of Joe Buck – the “midnight cowboy” – is disturbing however in spite of his intentions he’s actually the most honest and true in that movie. What we see is two men – as Buck pairs up with the character of Ratso who initially hustles cowboy – on the lowest rung of society, hustling in a big city isn’t getting them anywhere, and the main characters are willing to do anything to survive. I never actually seen the picture itself nor read the novel on which it’s based, I’ve seen enough reviews or synopsis or even some clips to get the point of the story.

Midnight Cowboy (1969) trailer

Remember two years ago I wrote a premise for an Are You Being Served reboot. It would be more of a comedy although some aspects of that story will become serious. Especially since this reboot is really based on the drama of the time which was my dismissal from the Hole.

So my version of Midnight Cowboy is based on Planet Hustle. My situationship w/ the Hustler and that recent “recently” post triggered this interesting creative thought. It could take place over years and it will be as psychological as Midnight Cowboy is in reality. I just don’t see much redemption on anyone’s part in my story. There is no happy ending there at all, as there is in real life.

There is only a realization, however, the psychological part of the story is how do these two mismatched individuals become friends? How does these two coworkers go from a ride home to asking rude questions to an attempt at hustling – being hard-up and all that – to become a savior to becoming a friend and then back to a point of very little trust again? Is your head spinning yet?

I think this would be a great art house project. It might not win an Oscar nor do I imagine it would make much money in the box office. Hopefully I can create a story that audiences can relate to which would be my main point in this exercise.

I just wish I knew some filmmakers….

Seven reasons why people avoid you

I think I may have some of these traits and I’ve had to disassociate with those who did have these traits. I’ve talked about a few of such people on this blog over time. You might be able to guess at one person in particular who displays most of those traits.

Consider this your election night escape…

Vehicles

When talking about going out of my comfort zone one of those things is assuming responsibilities that I often presume I’m not ready for. I’ve yet to own my own car although I do have my license true since I was 21.

Often I do think about what kind of car do I want. Do I want to peruse the classified ads, Craigslist, or even facebook listings for a cheap ride? Or do I just want to get what I can from a good dealer.

When I think about buying a car I want to get a luxury car. Almost like what my mother has although I don’t want the same brand. For example I always desired a Cadillac, but then I’ve got my eye on a Lincoln lately. I make good money – even with student loans – to possible get a late model entry-level luxury car which is worth in the low $30K range. The question is should I get such a vehicle.

I want to share this Doug DeMuro video from earlier this year. I got my eye on the Lincoln Corsair. As far as a car for myself – to go wherever I please at any given time so that I won’t have to take public transportation to work all the time – well perhaps within the next year I’ll get that done.

September

I had nothing to write earlier this month so it was important for me to share some Earth, Wind & Fire to mark this month and the start of fall. It’s something quite soulful and pleasant. It’s definitely a marked change from most of the music played by the younger generation that I heard for most of Labor Day Weekend. I don’t think these young folks know what good music is.

When they were born at least we heard the music of Tupac, Ice Cube (before he became an actor), Ice T (also before he became an actor), and so many others during the course of the 1990s. Hell a movie was made about Ice Cube as he was at first part of a group named N.W.A. – you’ll have to figure out what that means – that movie was named “Straight Outta Compton”.

Well I’m still working on what I want to write for this month so stay tuned.

April

white graphing notebook

We’re going to go through the month of April and usually I might give you the flavor of the month from years past. This time we’re going to stay a tad current and I’ll have to admit I didn’t do the post expected last month. We’ll do some of those posts this month.

Well in this state a stay-at-home order was extended for the rest of the month. Which is certainly a bummer because I’m ready for the world to get back to some semblance of normal. This bug going around is really something and I know people are freaked out about it. I find myself taking my own precautions from it, however, I get the feeling we’re going to be wondering what were we worried about in the first place.

I noted last month that if I had been still working in the cinema business (certainly depending upon where I was on the “food chain”) I’d be sitting at home. I could hardly afford that right now and I’m glad to be working in an industry that is considered essential. Yeah it would be cool to ride this pandemic out at home, but like I said I don’t think I could afford that. I just have to do what I need to do and be very careful on public transportation and out in the world.

I’m still making some plans for my YouTube channel. I’m at 32 subs as I write this which was a very high growth curve from the start of March where I only had four subscribers. What can I do to cause further growth? I already announced some plans, but then what about beyond that?

I will be celebrating two years in my “reboot” with Fresh Foods this month. I had been rehired this time two years ago, and I know this seems to be a recurring theme now is the time to start making some plans. I have an eye on a couple of situations at the moment one of which includes my former boss – the one who hired me to the company years ago – with his new assignment as a store mgr. I saw that he posted for a new dept mgr at his store (which is the same dept where I am now and it was the dept he hired me for five years ago). I’m also keeping an eye on my former dept at the Hole, as some unexpected changes had occurred there since I’ve returned to the company.

A young lady that I’ve connected with over the years from Hillman College last month sent me a pic of herself. She has a knack for chopping off her lush hair and dying her hair exotic colors. When she asks about her next color I always suggest her natural color, and that was the pic she sent me her latest chop with her natural hair color. She gave me that and I think she likes me *says the teenaged boy who knew nothing about girls*….

As always I hope you all are safe and be well. Let’s get through this month, I feel this will be a difficult month with all the measures put in place by the different levels of governments in America. They say we might see a peak this month, the main thing is I can’t wait to see the point where we’ve flattened the curve on this bug.

Before the outbreak

img_3766

Actually I was supposed to go to an interview back at the dine-in Show – operated by the national theater chain – where I had worked for roughly 8 months during 2015-16. My last interview there was after being let go from the Hole and months before the actual end of the Reign of Error. That interview didn’t go well and it seemed based on the people who I still knew up there it was very likely I wasn’t coming back at that time.

Regardless, this time around before the quarantines, the order to serve only take-out foods with no dine-in, and before the stay-at-home orders I had the opportunity to interview to be a porter at the dine-in Show. Basically I would transport food orders to moviegoers in their respective auditoriums. I’d be eligible for tips and it’s something I have some experience in due to my previous stint there.

I didn’t go, it was a workday and it didn’t really end until I punched-out for the day. Before these lockdowns and the dire predictions of the spread for this bug that’s going around right now this was a normal day. It wasn’t too uncommon for someone to come up at say 3 PM when I would’ve gotten off to walk-up and expect to be served. The person who’d take over for me wouldn’t come in before I clock off for the day.

So when it got that busy near the end of the day, I wasn’t entirely in good spirits and decided at that moment that I wasn’t going. In my favor they didn’t call me to schedule an interview this was basically an open interview. I was invited to an open interview via e-mail and people just had to show up and get interviewed. It’s basically like going to a job fair which Fresh Foods might have at their stores at certain intervals. The way I see it you never know what you would get with such a gimmick. Some of the people I work with now, were hired through such an event.

Either way I never saw this as a big loss if I just decided not to show up. Perhaps it might not look so great for me in the long run, however, this is a basic entry-level job and I wasn’t interviewing for a mgmt position. They may not have such a great record of who came in and who didn’t, I was just on a list of people they invited to interview. Also the porter job wasn’t really the job I wanted if nothing else it enabled me to work elsewhere just as it was the case when I was in my honeymoon period at the Hole four years ago.

So not long after this pandemic struck, a week had passed after the interview where the state government and federal governments start issuing their orders to stem this pandemic. I also found out while looking for jobs with the national theater chain that theaters are closed right now until this pandemic is over. Therefore they’re not doing any hiring currently.

If I had gone to this open interview when would I have started? Would my start date have been pushed back thanks to this bug? Even if I had started would I still have a job once it became clear that movie theaters around the country would be closed due to this bug?

Just think about it for a second if I had still been working at The Show and the dine-in Show I’d be out of work. It’s a good thing I work at a grocery store otherwise I’d be sitting at home making NO money. And it’s unclear if I would’ve returned to work at a theater especially if they just decided it wasn’t important for me to return.

To be fair, I’d rather be working but then it’s kind of cool to be sitting at home letting the world heal from this bug. It’s not something I can hardly afford at the moment, but then again if I’m serious about becoming a YouTuber perhaps one day I can afford to sit at home and wait out a major bug outbreak. It’ll have to remain a dream for now.

 

Viruses

I first saw this video when it first was uploaded and it appeared in my notifications on YouTube. Miggy of Men 101 or Alex of Driven & Desired (and formerly of the now deleted MGTOW 101 channel) talks about viruses. I hope you can follow the science because it was hard to keep up.

The point he was trying to make I believe is viruses are more beneficial than we are educated to believe. He mentions a lot about how the body has their own mechanisms to eliminate toxins.

This is one way I hope people can educated themselves as a virus has disrupted society to a great extent around the world, especially here in the USA. This is not at all to dismiss the seriousness of this virus, it’s only to give you some perspective on pathogens. I’ll leave it up to you how you receive this information.

While we hope for the best and for life to get back to some semblance of normal I hope you all can be well