Awkward

I orignally wrote this post back in 2016 and for some reason I took it down. Now it’s back. Of course with some minor edits!
mr-bean-face-703x350This awkward moment I never told until now. Sometime last year at my job I ran into a woman who I had a tendency to poke on fb and messaged once with a tepid thank you reply. I never went got much further than that, but I’m sure I sent a friend request as I often did and got no response and quickly forgot about it.

Not long before I left “The Show” I had ran into her. Found that she had eventually moved to Chicago and she was right in front of me. Being the person who has this great ability to dwell on past events no matter how inconsequential I basically avoided her behind the concession stand as she stood around with a friend. It seems women rarely go out by themselves…

Let’s fast forward a year she shows up in my department one evening before closing and I realize she’s not a shorty. Hoping that my coworker was available to take care of her I grudgingly had to help her. Yup still me dwelling on past inconsequential events.

Anyway she requested some ingredients on an item she had been interested in. Provided those ingredients and then she wanted to sample them before she made her choice. I served her wanted to know if there was anything else she needed offered her a sample and even stated she’s free to sample the next time she dropped by. She just simply stated that she was on a diet before moving on.

Such an awkward moment, but I think it was handled professionally. The dangerous part is attempting to reach out to her and the possibility that now she knows where I work can cause some problems. Thankfully so far I have yet to see her again so that’s a plus.

Forgot to note this connection…this young lady also went to the same all-girls school – Hillman College – as janice, nicole, carina, and jennifer.

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When she shoots her shot

One of the guys I met in college shared this song by Alicia Keys “You don’t know my name” on his instagram page. He shared in four parts and in a meme format with the caption “when she shoots her shot first”. Hmmm, then I hear the song and to be honest it struck me as creepy.

Perhaps I’m making more out of this than I should. If the right girl comes along, but you likely don’t notice her so then she tries to get your attention. Why is this, because perhaps she knows she’s interested in you? Perhaps it’s more of a case of she wants to see if you will go for it. Meaning you can either go for it and still be left with nothing or you don’t go for it and you’re an a**hole. Ex: Candice.

All the same this video starts off well enough she uses a business card to contact this man who comes into this diner perhaps for coffee or breakfast. She’s instantly taken with him and sees his business card. She calls him up and strikes up a conversation, strangely enough he never seems to respond and she’s just responding to whatever he says. Wait that doesn’t make any sense right? That’s because at the end of the video even though she’s making out with the man she got in touch with, it turns out it was all a day dream he’s gone from the diner, and she doesn’t realize his business card is in a fish bowl waiting for her to grab it.

See that’s why he never appears to say anything when she talks to him on the phone. She never took her shot it was all imagined. He’s another man whom she may or may not ever see again. I meet a woman like this – who’s very forward and shoots her shot – well I don’t respond to it well. I’m guessing most men won’t for the most part. The reverse happens with men of course, there are women I like upon seeing them – even if I know little about their personality – then I never see them again!

I asked a friend of mine about a video I showed him about those professional women (a production of the now deleted mgtow 101 YouTube channel). There was one woman who was talking to a man – outside of her race – the convo was going well but ultimately they parts and she’s left wondering “WTF happened?”. One of the girls outright suggest that she asks for his number, she says no. It’s hard for her to make that move because women expect to be pursued. And if she did shoot her shot, she could still be seen by a man not used this behavior as a “flake”.

To be honest, I hate the idea of the pursuit. Perhaps it’s easier if say I really was a hunter, which I’m not all the same I have to catch a prey. Perhaps a rabbit or a deer that’s what I call hunting and the interesting part is that you shoot your shot with the prey. Get your rifle make a kill and you have dinner or more accurately that satisfaction of a successful hunt. In this case when it comes to romance, dating, or sex hunting is a little different and the results could hurt your self-esteem. Perhaps no one likes the feeling of not being wanted even in a romantic/sexual sense.

As a guy have to put my feelings in my pocket with a woman of course when things don’t go well and then that becomes hard. It’s always about finding the right woman who suits you best. It’ll never be about a woman who you have to continuously bow down to because she said yes and it’s not worth finding someone who suits you best. Or at least it should never be about that.

With that said everyone is different. A man could give in to a woman who shoots her shot. Perhaps it works out and they have a lasting relationship, which is never a bad thing. On the other hand, you could shoot your shot and force it with the result being a backfire which has happened of course. On the other hand if you don’t try something that enables you to have that relationship bottom line is that you’ll never know.

may 2007

so i go way back for this one 10 years ago. so the actions set in motion from this period would likely set the tone for the next 7 years at least. i will begin to explain.

i was at “mission college” still plodding and largely floundering. i was actually a senior and it turns out i won’t be graduating that spring. i had my ass handed to me in several of my courses during the course of that year. mostly Fs with a splash of D’s and D+’s. and by the end of this summer i would be kicked out of school again and had to fight my way back.

yeah remember that brief blurb i wrote about a girl named nicole (yeah the post involving my cousin) well during that period i had also been kicked out of mission and appealed for re-instatement. i chase after some woman and got nothing for my troubles and almost lost my opportunity to get a degree from this prestigious college.

all the same i made quite a few key mistakes and paid for it with bad grades. i was lucky to come back out alive the next semester when i fought my way back in with an appeal armed with a spreadsheet determining which grades should count. if only i was that much of a genius so that this didn’t happen in the first place.

now why this sets the time tone for the next seven years – from 2007 to 2014 – because this would be the one time i just said fuck it. i was finally alright with letting this go. no more designs on getting a prestigious degree from “mission college” and i could jump start my life during what was left of my 20s. just come home and start job hunting and get my life in order.

while this life wasn’t exciting it was unconventional. this also would mean no more looking at those “hillman college” women as a college student. no more student loan debt, studying, expensive books or even courses made difficult.

i can only imagine what i would’ve done if i never got reinstated. i know i’d be looking for another job and i’d have to explain what happened with my school. why i never finished my degree and better yet where have i been since i really hadn’t held down employment. i’d have been a very risky hire surely.

then i wonder if i’d have found myself at “the show” and perhaps i’d be in a better situation in my early 30s if i had never finished at “mission”. to be honest i have little idea today. if graduating from “mission” was my goal i reached it to my surprise…

unexpected

last week we had an unexpected visitor, my aunt who is a former military officer visited our house. no call no indication just showed up at our doorstep to surprise my ailing mother. she had a new husband in tow with her.

i was less than thrilled. all i know was when i heard some other voices upstairs it was at WTF. when my mother had a moment she let me know who was in and told me that she doesn’t like these unannounced visits. another aunt has that unfortunate tendency, she just likes to show up whether one likes it or not. although at least to be fair she was also up in chicago this weekend and at least we knew she was in town and to expect her to come over.

as it turns out her new husband is a brother to my aunt laura’s husband. and he’s also talkative with me expressing little interest in interacting he did try to reach out to me.

laura’s husband is a talkative man with a southern drawl. i can say the same for – let’s give her a name – claudine’s new beau. he doesn’t have a southern drawl although he does have a girth like laura’s husband. for some reason laura’s husband has rubbed me the wrong way in a similar way that laura has and it could be said i rub laura the wrong way with some of my behavior.

anyway it was an interesting couple of days. claudine has little problem approaching me and trying to converse with me even if my answers have been very curt towards her. even better most of the time she was there i kept to my zones away from the socializing. she didn’t appear to object although in the past she might make some things clear. for example once i was in my room and she made special emphasis that everyone else was in the living room. in other words i need to be in the living room….

of course her military behavior had rubbed my mother the wrong way – they are close. the newly wed couple had it in their mind to bring my mother to georgia with them when they left saturday morning, my mother wouldn’t agree to it. my mother moved too slow for them so claudine kept dropping hints to get ready and it doesn;t help that my mother still has lingering issues involving that compound fracture.

but those interesting last two days were over rather quickly on saturday morning. they hit the road while i was off to work that morning.

btw, as another aside this is what my aunt tends to do. she assess the situation she’s what i’m doing for example watching tv, “what are you watching?”. i was about to say some cop show, she quickly says “CHiPs”. yup that’s what it is. she’s always been that way i give a quick half-answer and then she quickly fills in the blanks.

perhaps an example that she’s into making small talk. depending upon the person i don’t share that interest.

matchmaking

matchmaking

i’ve been particularly bad with online dating. the way i see it this is something always done with fb with no levels of success. that is i never had the opportunity to connect with the women i wanted to connect with.

for example, perhaps i wanted the true babes so to speak. the beautiful women but either they weren’t interested or attracted to me or i was too late and they’re with someone. and sometimes on my own, i don’t always come off well.

recently i was on the phone with a matchmaker and irony of ironies i met this person via tinder. a dating app used for business purposes that shouldn’t be allowed :P.

anyway after trading messages for about a month i finally connected and we talked for a few minute she set me up a profile. i expressed interest in possibly image coaching which is something i need. and while being added to a database, it’s fine if i can become a client at some point and hope to meet someone who wants what i want.

of course my interest is in having a family i made that clear. my life goals aren’t as clear although i’ve expressed a desire to move up where i am now and perhaps move on to something entrepreneurial – such as real estate.

as for the person she wants to match me up with well she doesn’t live nearby and she’s older at 37, but i’m open. the reason i’m open is because i need to get out there and start meeting these women. unfortunately it’s difficult for me to get out here and meet these women even to just approach them cold.

believe me it’s possible to make a connect as a service worker. there are a good number of women who are seen during the course of a shift and to stay professional as you never know what’s going on in anyone’s head at any time. believe me there have been some odd situations with customers.

either way perhaps if i continue doing this i’ll be comfortable with the idea of dating and hopefully i can find what i’m looking for. perhaps i’ll find this young woman who’ll be the mother of my children and will be an awesome wife. and now it’s possible for me to enter the dating world.

let the matchmaking commence…

new years goals 2017

goal

financial – i want to continue as much as possible what i have been doing for the past 4+ years. continue to save money once it was between $25 or $50 per paycheck and these days i often save about $75 per paycheck. i also have a 401k so i also resolve to pay attention to those assets which are important for the day i’m ready to retire and i hope that’s years away. if i keep saving i’ll be ready for this next step.

transporation – i’m a creature of public transit and don’t see that changing in the near future as long as i live somewhere with a decent system. one way to be mobile and go places where i want to go that isn’t easily accessible by public transit is to have a car. it’s probably the first investment i can make and hopefully i can find something to pay cash with and hopefully not wipe out a significant amount of my own savings. and this investment i can put forward on another vehicle at the right time.

real estate – to start i would like an apartment this year finally move out on my own but that is only a start. my ultimate goal is to own a home, hopefully several piece of real estate around the city and hopefully in part of town that are expected to grow in the future. one pipe dream in a place with low property values to custom build a home of great architectural significance. but that means i better have some cash put away so that i can afford that.

travel – last year i went to a reunion on the west coast. 2017 hopefully i can find somewhere to go that i’ve never been. just spend a weekend there. as long as i have the financial resources to do that it’s something worth doing.

work – i want to get promoted at work. i have been lucky to have gotten promoted to full-time at my current job in 2015. as of now i want to get into a leadership role and hopefully there are two possible paths whether or not i stick with the grocery store or i go back to the movies. in the latter case i have to return to the company i had worked with for 7 months and it was a great period of time, but due to my schedule i couldn’t do both when i finally quit. time to come up with a good plan for that…

hobbies – i’m big on photography mainly streetscapes and architecture. not only that i like to take video though at this time it’s most on my smartphone. i need to change that and go back to using a real camera or camcorder. hell, i’ve thought about going to my local cable access studios and taking some classes in tv production. it would be cool to take a hobby to another level and share with the general public. perhaps become a side hustle

love – as always it’s a long term goal and few prospects. thing i must figure out is how to change this. while i am a virgin it’s not just sex i want. although i’ve entertained the idea of having sex with a dear friend who cares about me it’s still important to make that connect with a woman who wants to be with me. that’s far more important than to just lose my virginity. of course the main goal is marriage and i hope i can find someone who doesn’t want to waste time in going in front of the justice of the peace for example. perhaps this is something – to find that special woman – that i really want and need to crack. where do i start aside from online dating (which will be the subject of a future post.

alone…

the first night since my mother returned for her extended stay for further treatment in the hospital for her compound fracture was spend basically driving around. i went to a nearby outpost of my store where i saw my boss unexpectedly. he’s filling in for his counterpart there as i heard unforeseen circumstances seen that individual stepping aside temporarily.

he introduced me to one of the assistant dept. managers there who likes employees who are versatile as i am. that felt great though for me i consider myself at times understated.

i wanted to buy a live xmas tree but didn’t see a small one that i wanted to buy. it helped me not buy anything but as i visit my mother in the hospital i’m sure there will be other opportunities. will have to find that live tree elsewhere.

my mother told me before dropping her off at the hospital that my brother is coming to town for only the third time since her surgery over the summer. and then one of her sisters from out of town is coming also. both i dread but at the same time it’s expected that they may not have to come to our place therefore i don’t have to play host.

in the meanwhile back at home, i reclaimed some of the reusable grocery bags that my mother decided will become storage bags. i replace them with plastic garrett’s popcorn bags that i have accumulated over time. and now i have a reliable collection of small reusable bags to draw upon.

also i’ve been doing some cleanup, the medical professionals that my mother is working with expect a somewhat clean house when she returns. i had started before she finally checked in will continue to do the job when i’m able to schedule permitting.  i’m in the process of doing some clean-up in her room and in the upstairs bathroom. the bathroom would need a good cleaning at least.

btw, why do i have that video up there? a track from 2016’s Batman vs. Superman movie. it fits my mood right now, but then when i talk about “the show” it on occassion fits my mood with them also. funny part is that well i was long gone when i left and the movie premiered in fact i was at the “new show” when that film was released. either way it fits my mood right now as for different reasons i’m at home alone again!