Fatherhood

selective focus photography of child s hand

I wanted to return to a theme that was considered recently. We’re calling back to the issue from the episode Faith. And I have to mention an old Fiend again.

One of his parting statements during the last period that I remained in contact with Anthony was to just ask at random “When are you going to have children so I can relate to you better?” I could’ve just admonished him for that instead I just rolled with it and said I’m working on it. However, what does he care?

He connected with me knowing this and still finds this to be a problem for him. Especially for his last moment of begging that he wanted to borrow money for his son.

Anyway I think about this more now. Family  – and Anthony isn’t family by no means – expect you to go out get into a relationship, have children and may not always care about whether or not you’re married. I don’t feel that pressure from my family they may ask and I say know although there are rumblings of people who want to know what’s going on. They may wonder if there is something legit wrong with me, although, there are other family member with worse issues than me.

My stance on this issue is no one should force you to have kids unless you’re ready. At a different time I’d be like I can’t wait to have my first son, however, the more I think about it the more concerned I get. Perhaps yours truly isn’t that sure he’d make a good father. And most importantly would I want to have a baby with anybody just to satisfy someone else’s want to see me settled with a family.

It probably isn’t exactly unknown among family that Jack V is a kissless and sexless virgin. I’ve never been known to have a girl hanging around or even known to have many female friends. So unknown to me people conclude what they will, right or wrong.

Perhaps producing a child shouldn’t the mark of manhood. You’re not successful because you knocked up some woman and that produced a baby. Consider me old fashioned, I want marriage a full stable family so that the child will be raised with hopefully a solid set of values. At the same time, I want my son (or God forbid a daughter) to have real respect for people and not act as if their emotional whims are more important than respect for others. I want to raise them to be successful in their lives in whatever they do.

At the same time even in my family I recognize those who didn’t quite do well in their lives and it could be attributed somewhat to their own upbringing. I could point out uncles, aunts, or cousins for example. So at this stage perhaps I have fear & doubt over my own ability to raise successful children.

I feel as if the older I get the opportunities to still have children are beginning to dwindle. I’m also glad that there are no children around for me to be worried about financially or otherwise. It’s something I still desire but at this point there are other milestones that take on far greater importance than that. No one can pressure me into something I will not do and will only do that for myself and no one else’s sensibilities.

Come to think of it, there needs to be another Fear and Doubt episode in the near future.

Faith

In the early days of this blog I approached discussing my virginity in rather idealistic ways or perhaps the reasons for it. It could be a combination of moral – even if I don’t practice a religion or it could be lack of opportunity or it could just be I can never get with the process of requesting dates. I could even say that it seems for some women dating could become a drawn out process to the point where a prospective man just says never mind. Or perhaps as could be if a guy isn’t picking up on a woman’s hints she might just go with a guy who does or even a give who gives her attention.

Anyway I’ve been thinking about religion a lot lately and it could be a passing interest. However my background is that I’ve never joined a church. My dad had joined a few years before he passed away and my mother for whatever reason never has joined a church. We might go to different church services over the years especially in my youth and usually I associate that with “dressing up” and having to clean up in order to go to church. In some respects I’ve never really enjoyed that.

At the same time I have gotten older, still a virgin and I really don’t have a religious reason for remaining this way. I always felt as if not wanting to have sex until marriage made sense, perhaps on occasion I feigned religious reasons even if that wasn’t entirely correct. Still I believe no sex until marriage made sense and even with what I’ve experienced in recent years I still believe it makes sense.

Why would I want to have sex to satisfy someone else who should really have no concern over it? That means to satisfy my social group I’d have to do it with anyone just to satisfy their odd mentality with regards to getting laid. I don’t think that’s healthy especially if the other person comes to the realization that you’re using them for their bodies and that’s all. It makes sense to me therefore that I really want to like who I’m being intimate with.

So the video above I’m sharing is because it’s of interest to me currently. Is the answer to me being a virgin is to for example adopt the Catholic faith or any faith for that matter? Perhaps I join such a large community and ultimately find a wonderful Catholic lady with whom I can start a family. Also allow me to add I can further say if I had a faith, I can say my virginity is for religious reasons.

What’s wrong with respecting your own body? What’s wrong with being picky about who you might choose to share your body with? And what’s wrong with doing that only with someone you care a lot about?

Anyway here are some topics of discussion for other posts.

  • Jack V desires a family but what does he really think about becoming a father?
  • Jack V has met people who shows disdain toward him for not getting laid what does this say about them?
  • Jack V believes no sex until marriage makes sense but then why is that?
  • Jack V wonders is it possible to just pick a faith and stick with it?

Those posts and other regularly scheduled programming coming soon….

Valentine’s Day 2012

A decade ago I had to work the evening of Valentine’s Day. The movie everyone came out to see on that occasion was this Denzel Washington picture Safe House. Perhaps a lot of the people who came out thought it was just like American Gangster which came out the previous decade but no it’s actually an espionage thriller. Regardless a lot of folks came out on Valentine’s Day to watch the latest Denzel pic.

I’m going to share with you the craziest part of the night and it happened near the end of my shift. This shift was on a weekday and it was just busier than usual. I seem to remember that it was so busy that it felt like a typical weekend. The business we were doing would normally be seen on a Friday or a Saturday.

Eventually whatever other pictures were scheduled for that evening gave way to Safe House and by the end of the night the only movie we had was Safe House. Every screen available by the time it was time to close up The Show was playing Safe House. That leads to one of my last customers on that given evening.

There was a lady and she was with a party and I forget how many with her. My manager was standing off in the background ready to count me down. Our digital screen over box office still had those other pictures that we were showing during the day although they were no longer playing by the end of the night. This lady started asking about those movies all of them. Just one question “what’s this about?”  about all of those pictures before she finally asked for the only show we had left playing.

It got to the point that the next thing I knew my manager counted someone else down as the customer went down the list of all the movies she wasn’t going to see. I was already overdue as far as getting off for the night and did some extra time because of the business we were doing, on request of mgmt.

Eventually she finally asked for Safe House as I knew she would. She had a smirk on her face when she was finally ready to buy her movie tix. It’s almost as if she knew exactly what she was doing when she was doing it. She asked about all those other movies that weren’t playing just to hold me up or perhaps my manager standing back. Who knows what she was thinking, however, if there was no real reason other than some people are just quirky. Quirky to the point they just meander until they get to the point.

So anyway I finally did get off work, and I recall there was some drama in one of the auditoriums that Henry and his crew had to address. I forget what it was, perhaps there was a fight or a lost wallet. Whatever it was my night was over and I got ready to get back out in the cold of that evening. Actually I don’t really remember how the weather was that day.

However, it was an interesting shift.

Election Night 2016: time suckers SHOOT

Feels like the right time to revisit this episode from over five years ago. I can connect this with the last convo I ever really had with The Fiend and it turned into such an ordeal in my humble opinion. I think in both cases we just needed someone to talk to and for me in my last convo with him he wasn’t just not as willing to talk or listen as I feel as if I was on Election Day.

I may have been looking for reassurance because what led to the last convo I considered a bit triggering. It wasn’t so much that he just couldn’t empathize in that moment it was that he was in no mood to really listen to my thoughts on it. It’s one thing if it wasn’t something he really wanted to touch, however, in the months leading up to it he was mentioning a subject that was more or less a no-no for me. And at that for me to take on that subject I thought was a no-no for him however as stated in yet another post this was yet another way to further his own negativity.

Now as far as election night 2016 I don’t know what he was looking for other than to rant even as he was patrolling a grocery store parking lot on the graveyard shift. As far as I remember we never really talked about that election that year. It was a most unusual election and the results was for many unexpected. Perhaps he took an outcome for granted and it freaked him out very easily.

I think he really exposed his own hell, fire, and brimstone alarmism on a night where I was just ready to call it a night. I didn’t have the same type of alarm that he did as far as who was winning. When I think about it, just wasn’t sure where that election was going just knew that neither candidate for President appealed to me though it appears Anthony had picked a horse and wasn’t happy.

He chose me to call and repeatedly referred to the man who became President-elect a racist, rapist and declared there was going to be a race war. He also declared that he was going to move to Canada and this country is screwed. I was not in the mood for a real political discussion and definitely didn’t want to engage with someone who was very upset and unglued. While trying to have a balanced approach I told him the other candidate wasn’t all that he just stated that “we’d be screwed even less under her”. This was when I asked if we could change the subject and he agreed.

Of course we talked about a range of subjects in that moment but here’s where the convo just went into a strange direction. He asked if I saw the latest Marvel Comics picture Dr. Strange. When I answered in the affirmative then he asked “who did I go with?” When I answered no one he launched into a strange lecture about how I needed to start dating or all the women will start laughing at me – oh right that’s encouragement.

He noted that I was a loner “which is just fine with you” but I “make good money so you really don’t have an excuse”. He made a pitch for me to again use PoF.com. I just said OK as if to say this convo isn’t going any further and he had to keep it going “I know what that means. Give me one reason why you can’t do it.” I didn’t give him a reason just my typical way of dealing with something like this is to say hardly anything as if to say I’ll consider it.

To give some background he knows I like to go to the movies but as a “mentor” it was important for me to take someone to the movies. That was his priority, why I have no clue as stated many times on this blog he’s a disappointed father that’s his schtick. I just think in his mind he feels like what suits him is for me to have some female companionship. On the other hand while he claims to get a lot of action with the ladies to one time graphically telling me one sexual encounter with a grandmother during that period I just see a man who’s just single and chasing pu$$y not really companionship.

Aside from the fact that since I cut ties now he later became engaged. YaY him as long as he’s serious which I suspect he probably isn’t but that’s not my business anymore.

Anyway as for PoF.com he’s mentioned that site to me before. When we were still working at The Show we were regularly taking the train back to the south side from work and he would start mentioning that site frequently. His main selling point was to predict that “you could get laid by next week“. As far as how his campaign went I just wasn’t interested. I checked out the site and saw nothing I really wanted to connect with out there.

I usually just demurred and stated that I didn’t see the point and I liked connecting with women who went to school at Hillman College. Well not specifically Hillman I was more referring to connecting with women on Facebook before they had their own dating services. He was not deterred it was his mission to get me to connect with a woman as me being a man without a woman was just an issue for him.

He would at that point probably 2012-13 just would follow up with me. Did you finish your profile? Did you upload a profile pic? I usually just said no and probably cited finances as far as why I just didn’t have much interest. For those of you who have kids, you put on the pressure then you find out how uninterested the kids are in your ideas here’s a good example.

Anyway until election night 2016 he brought up PoF.com again and as it turned out for the last time. The difference between 2016 and just about four years earlier was that this time he dropped the sales tag of you could be laid by next week to just get a date and get you some female companionship before you turn 40.

However, as far as me not having much success with women he couldn’t help but continue to take his shots. Even kept mentioning the name of one young lady he insisted I take to a comedy show at a downtown theater which fell apart because I just wasn’t into it. He wanted to keep blaming me for what happened with that until I saw the confused look on his face with no further answer beyond “you blew it with her.” The look on his face was basically I’m no longer buying that answer and he knew it. He ultimately left it alone.

Anyway let’s turn this 180 degrees and discuss how he ranted about some women near the end of our convo. First I had to listen to him rant about the elections now I had to hear a rant about how he was talking to a woman over time and some other woman he knew decided to interfere with the motive that “she was lonely and she didn’t want her girlfriend to have anyone“. My advice which I hope was sensible – and could probably be easily ignored by Anthony – was he should just leave them alone which he easily agreed stating that he already has. There I go being a friend to someone who really was no friend of mine.

Anyway what a strange up and down conversation. Frustrating, tiring and a bit long lasting two hours, I didn’t go to bed until the wee hours of the morning. I missed some of the results but that’s OK did some catching up as I wanted to follow this one.

To give you a break down this happened about a month after the episode of The Next to Last Drop. I do hope you follow the original Election Day post.

Also it was election day somewhere in the country on Tuesday, hopefully you did your civic duty.

You make the call revisited

I wanted to touch upon this for a while since 10 years ago was when not only yours truly first ran into Anthony the Fiend. I also ran into this young woman named Candace. You may have seen a post about this, but it has occurred to me that both of their approaches were similar.

Both came out of nowhere. Candace was more flirty in her “first” approach stating repeatedly that “You know you heard me talking to you“. She was being playful at work after I never really acknowledged her greeting on one summer afternoon in an air conditioned cinema. To be honest it was just an irritating thing to be faced with as this came out of nowhere.

Oh yeah I forgot to note the initial episode I wrote during the first year of this blog “You make the call”. It underscores her relentlessness during that summer although as it turned out back then she gave up. She lasted only that particular summer in 2011. She gained some privileges along the way and for my unwillingness to just give her the attention she desired evidently she found ways to make me pay for it later down the line.

The more I ignored her advances the more she may have turned on me. I was just very unwilling to communicate my annoyance with her behavior. Her behavior wasn’t conducive to her desired effect whatever that was and it clearly wasn’t to see me just walk away with no response. To be fair, perhaps I was rude and cold to her and wrong for me to expect her to read my mind. Who knows if she’d respect the the knowledge that her approach just wasn’t working.

I surmise that many of the younger generation of women are a bit more bold and assertive in their desires. Many of them don’t understand that you can’t just treat men the way the women in their lives – presumably momma – treated men. You can’t go out of your way to bicker with them and/or perhaps you can’t just go around chasing them down as I felt Candice had in my case.

Oh yeah I forgot about the comparison of approaches. While Candice wanted to start off as playful and flirty to a guy who basically just met her and vaguely knows anything about her. The Fiend was certainly aggressive and assertive in his approach, even outspoken once he learned of where I went to college and my plans beyond the theater. Just remember the episode where I’m taking him home he clearly overstepped some boundaries to the point where I really should’ve left him on the expressway.

Of course since I never exactly learned Candace’s motives, I eventually determined the Fiend’s. To start he was clearly looking for someone he can mooch off of and as Candice had been that summer, he was certainly relentless looking for any means to connect with yours truly. If he found out I liked porn, he’d approach me on it shockingly letting me know who his favorite x-rated performers were. He wanted to connect as she had tried and in the long run the Fiend had far more success until he left The Show two years later.

What I can say about Candice is that on the surface she was a very beautiful woman who at the time was 19-20 years of age. She had a nice shape, nice long hair that she often pulled back into a ponytail, and personality wise she was very friendly or even approachable. She expressed her anger towards me on occasion as one afternoon at work she tried to speak and I ignored her. She snapped back at me in front of customers just trying to get a response which she got a very tense response and she tried to repeat her greeting. I respond with a quiet “Oh” and that was the extent of our interaction on that day.

I find myself wondering how much different my story would’ve been if I had been more friendly and approachable to Candice. Would Anthony have still interfered – and chances are he would if he could get away with it. Perhaps I would’ve never offered a ride to the Fiend, perhaps Candice would be getting rides instead. Perhaps Candace was also less than honest about her intentions like the Fiend.

Because of who Candace was associated with sometimes I wonder about that. Allegedly a manager called out for her when she no call no show. She seemed to be in with a certain crowd that included my one-off foe. Regardless as it turned out her time at The Show proved to be very brief and she got her privileges while there.

I did note that I saw her the next year – 2012. I don’t believe this to be apocryphal. She was on the train headed further north. I saw some key things from her like a tote bag she always liked to carry, she had long fingernails, I was pretty sure it was her. When we make eye contact she would often just break the gaze. Perhaps she just simply had enough of me and besides I had my chance and wouldn’t take it. So far that was the last time I had seen her.

I hope you read the original You make the call post

Eliminate

One of my long term goals has been to stay away from porn. I would be alright if I never watched a minute of porn as it’s become very perverse to yours truly.

Except that when I take a break from it sometimes I go right back to it. They say you shouldn’t quit something cold turkey except porn ought to be one thing one should quit in such a fashion. We’re not talking about substance abuse we’re talking about something that’s more psychological.

I shared a quick review of this movie from a few years ago called Don Jon which where the title character has largely the same types of issues. He may get the women he wants even had a girlfriend during the course of the movie but is so unsatisfied with his conquests that he turns to porn. The girlfriend had to catch him not once but twice to break up with him because he lied to her. Regardless she made him wait for sex and he was still unsatisfied.

He admitted later that the porn was him being selfish. He thought more of the fantasies he had from watching porn than the actual desires of the women he was with. It took meeting a widowed MILF to train him away from the fantasy of pornography. He realized in order to satisfy his needs he also had to satisfy the needs of his girlfriend.

I suppose after so many years of watching porn I had no issues with the various scenarios men and women find themselves in whether we’re talking threesomes or orgies. I talked about how I liked watching bondage scenes or women doing anal. I also recognize that if you take some of those things in porn into your own bedroom things could get to the point where one could go too far.

I could fantasize about smacking a woman upsider buttocks one time and watch the jiggle of her skin and muscles (or fat sorry ladies) then I get concerned about whether or not I could turn that off. Jack V wants a lifetime companion and lover not a partner who’s scared of him for not knowing where the line is.

So I realize that I need to stay away from porn. My mind need to be on more realistic relations with women. Yes I do desire a wife in the future and hope that we can do adult things as a couple I just hope that there isn’t a point where I could go too far. That’s my worry now and perhaps that makes me a terrified virgin.

My idealized relationship with a woman has always been romantic. I also know there are women who sneeze at that. Not all women seem to want a romantic man and yes I recognize being romantic might not be best at first meeting. However, porn which seems to have a history of cheesy pick up lines once a scene progresses is not the frame of reference I need when trying to build relationships with women.

What I recognize now is that the porn I see now where there are plenty of scenes with women who are pushed to the point where they might need diapers in the future. Or women who are often roughed up, slapped around or even faces contorted by the aggressive hands of a man is not something that is particularly appealing.

What’s also not very appealing about porn are the very alternative expressions of sexuality that now exist in porn. It’s strayed far away from what I started seeing porn for which is two people doing the nasty. There are things that I find perverse that now is just something I just don’t want to see. I steer far away from that content.

Just have to ask myself why it’s so difficult to move on!

The cousin – revisited

I wanted to revisit this episode for a while. I wrote a post when starting this blog back in 2015 remembering an episode where a first cousin named Natalie came home to visit with my mother. Because yours truly can be the “brooding” type I stayed in another part of the house while my mother and her niece were entertaining.

I was on the computer at that point surfing the internet just doing what’s normal for me. My mother felt the need to pull me upstairs complaining that I needed to speak instead of being downstairs uninterested and oblivious. The excuse my mother used was that I had footage of the previous year’s reunion and the laptop I was using was the only computer in the house where my mother and Natalie could watch the footage.

Well here’s where things just didn’t go well. Nat got very excited to see me and while I was very short when she just got so aggressive with her attempts to reach out. I was not feeling this at all, and Natalie was either very oblivious or just wanted to break through. Meanwhile most of my answers to her was uh-huh, OK, nuh-uh, alright. I didn’t want to waste too much of my breath when I was more into cutting this off quickly.

My mother I recall just seemed very uncomfortable as her head was down I noticed at one point. Things took a turn when Natalie decided to state for the record – “I heard you got a little girlfriend“. Well now there was a trainwreck right there and part of the story I talked about this girl I called Nicole and it just didn’t work. Perhaps your hero just ran her away in spite of himself either way Nat decided to get in on this and I really wanted to cut this off. Once it became clear I wasn’t feeling it she finally sensed that this isn’t going where she wanted it to go.

She piped it down and sat back on the sofa, I hurried up and got out of the living room.

You know there were some questions I never answered. Well yeah in the heat of that moment at that time I definitely wasn’t feeling having to discuss what happened with that little girlfriend. She probably didn’t know that this was a very touchy subject and if you will it was a failure that I was still smarting from. Someone told her and she just go so excited and just didn’t know that this was really a negative subject for me. I also hardly updated anyone didn’t see a need to with family I just dropped it, this was one of those things I talked too much about.

If it was so built up in Nat’s mind it definitely was in mine until it fell apart. Not really her fault it was just how I handled it back then. I just didn’t want to talk about it and she was the last one that yours truly wanted to say anything about it to.

Another thing I mentioned back then was just that we’ve had some odd interactions where she guts upset and often I don’t come out well for it. I suppose she has some expectations that once I walk over them she just has a problem. For example, I didn’t know that she didn’t like shrugging – well I need to tell that story one day. In some cases if she had a problem with something she didn’t always handle them very maturely. But then in some of those incidents she was young and I’m betting some of this is her background especially with a mentally ill mother.

I’m willing to bet her own “maturity” causes her to not to be very upset with me. She’ll quickly forget what happened and try to be friendly again. It could be that she just wants to drop what upset her and certainly she’ll drop it once she felt as if she addressed it. Meanwhile I can hold onto stuff for a long time, while she moves forward I’ll turn around and say leave me alone.

Which for most of the last decade after graduating with my undergrad degree she largely has. I’ve been to a handful of reunions in the past decade and I’ve not seen her. I understand it’s usually vacations and when the family plans reunions it seems many of them are last minute. Once Natalie and Nate makes their plains there’s a scheduling conflict.

I did note that she sent me a friend request on facebook and when I didn’t accept or reject right away I eventually saw that it went away. Sometimes I might accidently hit a button whether to accept or reject and don’t recall that either way with Natalie, perhaps she just got tired of the waiting game or changed her mind. If she doesn’t take my actions very seriously, I’m sure she thought about some of my actions towards her over the years.

Oh and let me mention this, Natalie on the surface is very nice. On the other hand Nat has that angry side and its a side Ive encountered on occasion. And on this day at home, she exposed it especially after trying to figure something out about this little girlfriend. I can cause her to drop that happy smiley “mask” sometimes.

Finally another thing to add is that she was on the little girlfriend trip long before this. When my brother got married she started talking about it and had herself a “forced laugh” when she queried me regarding a dance I shared with some woman at the wedding. To be honest I don’t really remember who that “cougar” was but Natalie wanted to talk about it. When she found out I was going to visit another one of my uncles at a neighborhood watering hole she still had to state in a silly way that “maybe you will find you a girlfriend”.

Two of my uncles – one I don’t care for the other I cared for more – likely heard that remark and gave no response. Either they didn’t get it or they weren’t amused. Perhaps while her comment was thoughtless because we were going to a bar. At that time I wasn’t yet 21 and since my uncle at that time was middle-aged who knows what type of women I would find there. She probably didn’t really know…

Either way I’m planning to make yet another reunion over the summer. Perhaps we shall see how that turns out for yours truly. Will Nat and Nate be there this year?

Meanwhile feel free to check out The Cousin and Signals which are the most relevant posts to this revisit.

Question

There’s a young lady on facebook, we might trade messages every once in a while on facebook or instagram. A month or so ago she shared a post on her “story” which caused me to ask if this was her situation. Basically the story stated that one shouldn’t “miss their blessing assuming I’m in a relationship”.

There are pics of her online with a gent usually wearing the same attire which is indicative of her status. I mean unless they’re together or otherwise that other party swings a different direction there is no reason for two “buddies” to be wearing the same attire or even the same t-shirt.

Well she confirmed her status and stated that she only reposted something from another instagrammer – which unfortunately I can’t find – that she follows. In this case my mind begins to run and so far I haven’t followed up other than this blog post.

Asking this question seems to be a dicey subject for yours truly. A few women were cagey or coy in my experience. For example with Nicole she was coy about her status until my attempts with her fell so far apart there was no chance of recovery no matter what I did. She had reached the end of her patience with me.

Others might outright say it’s none of your business though in one case it was apparent from her facebook account that she was indeed with someone and had children to prove it. However this young lady confirmed being just about 40 that she’s single and the guy she’s been snapping shots with isn’t her boyfriend.

When faced with such knowledge and a woman’s willingness to answer one way or another after an inquiry. And with a positive answer to such an inquiry – ex. she stated she’s single especially. It causes me to just say hmm in the unlikely event that something might come of this which is a long distance kind of thing how do I take it there without causing her to back off. That’s sort of my history also.

If you want to know something about her, one connection is that she went to Hillman College. We didn’t really connect until long after she graduated. Surely I poked her on facebook and she seemed open to connecting online which is interesting. I wish we met while we were still in school at least although in her case I was just getting started and she was about to finish.

I inquired about her denomination during Lent and she answered. I’m not religious, however, when it comes to Lent the ash on forehead was often thought of as a Catholic thing, hint she’s not Catholic. Of course yours truly has to state I’m just not that religious and rarely attend church.

I may have made reference to her age, but as stated my mind is running on this. If nothing else perhaps this could be a friendship of sorts. Perhaps I learn about her and she learns about me.

We’ll leave it there.

The Hook-Up Revisited

Disinterest

As I revisit this long ago episode I wrote about during my hiatus from Fresh Foods, I just have to share this brief dialogue from my last real major episode with Anthony the Hustler/Friend during One Final Drop. Among other things that we had talked about when he asked to borrow more money he brought this up for the last time

Out of nowhere he brings this up, he said I “blew it with Greta” and then I hit him with “Blew what?”

Fiend: You blew it with Greta.

Yours Truly: I blew what?

Fiend: You blew it with her.

Y.T.: What did I blow?

Fiend: You blew it with her.

Y.T.: What did I blow?

And then I continue to ask that question and he was done answering. Perhaps he was going to hold onto it anyway, but that wasn’t getting him anywhere. That was my attempt to absolve myself of any feelings of “guilt”. There was no need for any guilt if in reality I had little interest in his scheme. I had no interest in a comedy show and in reality no interest in this “date” with Greta.

When I think about it now, this was all unfair to Greta. Perhaps my lack of interest in Ant’s scheme at the time as this whole thing was about me and in reality it was more about him. I had no real interest in spending my money for a comedy show at a major venue in downtown Chicago. And when we visited her at her job on the north side on a snowy and cold February day in 2013 there wasn’t much of a basis for yours truly to really attempt to connect. Even if I did drop a compliment on her which she seemed underwhelmed.

I told another friend of mine this who still talks to Anthony or he heard about it at some point with the Hustler. I tell him that Ant was really a bad matchmaker as there was just very little opportunity to really connect with Greta before this “date”. However in my humble opinion he had no real basis to try to make a match when he took the foot off the gas pedal on this. This was something he wanted and it went up in smoke, and if I believe his story Greta was mad with him and he tried to point the finger at me.

That’s why I had to ask him “What did I blow?” What was there to blow? Was she that keen on meeting with yours truly? I saw no hint of that and no opportunity on my part nor his to create that opportunity. On my end I felt as if I was being forced into this and as per usual did hardly anything to push back.

This was probably another episode of the fiend asserting his dominance and for years after this it would continue. He’d find a way to bring this episode up and even after I did retort in that barbershop back in 2017, I’m sure it still wouldn’t have been the end of it. He’d hold onto it using his disappointed father schtick to forward his dominance.

Come to think of it, the Hook Up episode was as much of a fail as the initial episode with Finer Foods and even D.B. He views them as fails. I didn’t keep up the pressure with Finer Foods to get an interview let alone a job with that company and as for D.B. there wasn’t much to do to end that conflict other than just not giving him his supply of attention because going back and forth with him gave him exactly that. And Greta in his mind is just another fail as far as dating women. All a fail according to him and it matters more than what I felt where the positive developments going on the last time I actually met with him as a friend and the last time he borrowed money.

We’re going to get to the climax of the Reign of Error however I feel as if Anthony had begun to really expose himself and his attitude more and more in 2017. If some new developments were occurring at the Hole at the time he didn’t care. He just mentions how I’d make more money at Finer Foods or instead of supporting my move to be a buyer he might still suggest I need to be a supervisor instead. Perhaps he didn’t like it when I went against his mentality as a disappointed father.

Not sure what else to add to this, I expressed the thoughts that was necessary to express. I’m certain however that there will be more thoughts on him to share in the near future. I feel as if whatever stories that’s on my mind about the Hustler will ultimately be expressed and it will be time to move on.

You’re free to read up my original Hook-Up post as well. Consider this your Anti-Valentine’s post. 😛

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At the end of last year, I realized in order to attract a mate you have to put in some work. I suppose earlier last year I had created a template for this purpose. I suppose there is something to work towards in the new year.

Just remember as far as my own personality, this really is going to be work. It won’t take much to slip back into some bad habits. Let’s bring it!

Feeling No Love

man in white dress shirt holding suit jacket

What if it’s possible to remake your image? And it doesn’t matter how old you are it just matters that you’re determined to make some changes.

I like to think everything isn’t set in stone. What if you can make changes to your lifestyle? What if you can make changes to your attitude?

If people hold you to what you used to do when you were younger, does this mean you disassociate? I’ve had to do this with someone I knew, knowing among other things that they have the tendency to bring things from the past to the forefront. It’s is as if today doesn’t matter, past actions matters more and remains part of the discussion.

What prompted this was that a coworker asked about the ride I have one day at work recently. I want you all to know I don’t own my own vehicle, however, it’s one of…

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