no-go

going back to my stream of thoughts that began late last month allow me to give a timeline. during the month of july, there was a family reunion in georgia which came on the heels of my attempt to go away to school at "mission college". the liberal arts school that "mission" represents is in georgia.

that experience was cool but academically and financially it didn't do me a whole lot of good. had more freedom but little experience in dealing with it. even met a young lady – nicole – whom i wanted to meet again even if there was uncertainty if she actually did like me like that. though that story came to a very hostile end much later.

before going back home in a state of uncertainty about whether or not i'd be able to return i went to a family reunion meeting picked up by an aunt from campus. then was sent back to campus via cousin natalie and her husband who attempted to talk my head off the whole way back. then on to the reunion where i still had uncertainty about my eventual return.

not long after the reunion my mother went on a cruise so i was at home for a whole week as she sailed around the Caribbean with her sisters. even still have a t-shirt from that period of time. then eventually my mother came back and not long after that one quick question, "are you going to register for classes at the community college?" well my answer was negative basically and she mumbled under her breath that i needed to finish those last few credit. before saying very clearly "it's your life".

little did i know, this was a warning sign. she was setting her expectation without just coming out and saying that this is what she wanted. she already hinted at it before i left for "mission" i was a few credit shy of an associate's degree and had little interest essentially in attaining it. perhaps this was me being 21-22 years old and trying to have it my way.

then because i hadn't yet found a job right away she started sitting me down convinced that i needed help strategizing. she starts putting on the pressure, though sadly finding a job takes time. bottom line this would ultimately help me return to "mission" although it was decided at this point it wasn't going to happen that particular year.

one thing that came up during those "strategizing" sessions was i needed to have this sense of completion and finish the associate's degree. my inclination was to reject that to my mother's disappointment. and i came up with excuses to not go back and clearly this is something that was just on her mind no matter what i said. it really bothered her that i could get a degree just like that and i wouldn't do it! unfortunately trying to convince me didn't work.

when it came closer to registration it was less of a discussion than simply a command – "go and get registered". ultimately i did, however, it was only for just enough classes where i'd still be short of the degree. when it was time to pay for the classes i went to the college that afternoon just to wander because i hope that at the end of the deadline it would be too late to pay. so i came home and not long after arriving my mother shows up from work unannounced. she wants the phone number and when they close which i complied quickly, however, she expected more from me and in a huff told me that "i wasn't even trying". she went back to work to get those two classes paid for.

during my time at community college, she was never in a huge rush to pay for me classes. she was giving me everything and i offered very little in return, taking it for granted. however, i showed little enthusiasm and she wanted this more than anything.

sometimes i wonder if her family put a "bug" in her ear. two of her sisters called the house and outright asked me if i was getting my associate's, and for the most part i only offered a bullsh*t answer. put without proving it my first thought was she was telling them that i would return to finish my associate's and they decided to make it part of the conversation.

as my mother just made it clear i needed to finish the associate's degree she advertised this as a way to really help me find a job. she also used her future demise as an argument. and of course as my reticence to really have this as part of any job application – perhaps in light of my naive belief that an undergrad degree would solve everything it didn't – she merely suggested just leaving it off my resume which was a direct contradiction to this would help me find a job.

all the same at least i never had to answer for my response to this attempt at parental coercion. i was very tempted to tear up this degree in her face to show how i'm not proud of it at all. she probably wouldn't have been entirely moved by it as she got what she paid for. it was what she wanted and for my young mind that wasn't enough for me. thankfully this never happened.

to continue my stream of thoughts what happened when i returned to my community college in spite of myself. what was the difference between spending one term at "mission college" vs. starting my undergrad career and a community college.

spoiler

by september i hope to talk a little bit about my senior year of high school. i’ve grown to realize it was a period of great disappointment in a variety of ways. at the same time it sets the tone for how life has been at this point. it’s hard to believe it’s close to 20 years since graduating from high school.

before i talk about senior year how did i get there. well the story really starts when i leave the 8th grade. perhaps this is where i could’ve started to peak but found myself intimidated by a number of things.

to start, i will admit i didn’t go to a good high school in a large urban district as we have here in chicago. my mother was more concerned about safety going to and from school than the caliber of school. she figured there was no big difference whether a magnet school or a neighborhood school. me on the other hand i didn’t work very hard to assure a different result.

my dad was around but he wasn’t that engaged in the process. he might have had the same mind as my mother as far as these city schools there is no huge difference between them. now he had been an employee of the school system but it’s not like he did much interactions with school teachers and administrators.

also i never concerned myself with how the system worked at that point. for example could i have gone around my 8th grade teacher? was there a possibility that i could have gone over his head to the school counselor or perhaps the school’s assistant principal who was formerly my third grade teacher. my mind only runs about that, but no idea as this was a course never pursued.

my 8th grade teacher i’ve concluded was a man who at least towards me never had anything nice to say to me. the last time i ever saw him he essentially ignored me and i never tried to keep his attention and remind him who i am. he showed attention to another former student who he got along with much better. it’s safe to say he didn’t care for me that much and didn’t mind threatening me with holding me back a grade.

only reason he gave to not go to the neighborhood high school where my parents wanted me to attend was – i’m going to get messed with and they’ll take my lunch money. i was standing right there and he told my parents this. it was never he could do much better than this high school. just absolutely negative to the core, then again what did i show him?

so either way whatever he tried to convince my parents of it didn’t matter. to the neighborhood school i go instead of anywhere more safer much better academically. no concern about commute between home and school and any weird thing that was going to happen in between.

to set this up by my freshman year of high school my mother would be laid off from her job at a bank in downtown chicago. she didn’t know this was going to happen in the 8th grade so therefore if she was working downtown and i was on my way to school or on my way home she had little piece of mind. it was just the overriding concern for her more than i could’ve gone to a better school.

she also thought my dad could eventually find a job close to what he had around the time i was born. he had worked in manufacturing before becoming a grave-yard shift worker for the public schools. she hoped he could find such a job again although by the time i came around those jobs were disappearing. with no high school diploma and his inability to stay focused to get a GED the clock was ticking on doing better than he had been.

the lesson here that i should’ve learned back then is that sometimes while your parents should have your best interests at heart they sometimes don’t. sometimes it’s all up to you as far as what you want to do. as with a lot of things – and possibly not knowing – i left my future up to others. at least as a grown man now i can at least determine my future.

in the meanwhile soon it’ll be time to start talking about my senior year in high school. perhaps in general my time in high school.

crisis: past tense

Concession Counter at Movie Theater

i began to realize that i was in a bit of a crisis from roughly 2012 to 2014. this was the “streak era” and that crisis involved confidence. some of my coworkers weren’t confident in me because they wanted to create drama and sometimes that drama included me.

often i point the finger at the young girls who created their cliques and targeted people they don’t like. who knows what exactly their purpose was other than to flex their muscles but that’s what it is. the mgmt clique was another group that one had to be concerned about they actually could cost anyone their job and especially if they wanted to trust the accusation of the young clique.

working with people who are quick to throw you under the bus for the least reason causes a crisis of confidence. also, the general atmosphere among associates had been that we’re replaceable anyone could do the job. it doesn’t matter how well one may do the job, their attitude could easily become you may do it well but you’re expendable. when you think about it the cooks from the upstairs lounge learned this attitude and they all just quit, they were tired of it. all our mgmt did was find someone to replace them.

i was never confident that i was doing the job mgmt expected. what i faced is that even though i never got fired the job got done but you run into one person that picks over this & that. perhaps i may not often be a problem however when there is depending upon who’s on duty it gets magnified quick. there was a general issue with morale and mgmt of the time really wasn’t help. it doesn’t matter who you clamp down on!

another set-up when i was working at “the show” i was in my early 30s. just graduated from “mission college” was a bit optimistic about my future. i really believed that my degree would open some doors for me and sadly it didn’t open any during my time at “the show”. bad enough i was working at a movie theater but those who knew i had a college degree found a way to use it as a cheap shot. and towards the end my longevity was used as a cheap shot.

funny part of this story is that i rarely dreaded coming to “the show”, think about it. i had been doing it for five years almost and in some respects there had been far worse periods than the “streak era”. the only time i ever dreaded coming to work was when my brief time went on at “gotham bank”. i really dreaded going to work there until they cut me loose.

the “streak era” crisis was really i couldn’t GET OUT OF THERE. i had already decided i’m not going to leave the show unless i found another job during this period. this was my mindset, me getting fired didn’t enter into my thinking. i went to work with the belief that in order to find another job it was good to be working a job. unfortunately i fill out applications, get interviews and for a good period of time no job offers. essentially the crisis became why won’t employers hire me?

i suppose this is why i may still talk about “the show”. the moment i worked my final shift there really should be the end of the dwelling, but as established with me not so fast. there are plenty of stories to tell from my time. even if many of the people i worked with who caused problems only merge together with no distinctions between them.

now i can say that if yours truly deserved more i’m there now. i got something out of my time there, it helped me get to where i need to be now. here’s hoping i continue to learn these many lessons.

younger women at “fresh foods”

mary aka crazy vibes unfortunately i learned was let go from “fresh foods” a few months ago. she had that odd crazy giggle and was pleasing to the eyes physically, but i had decided that she had some issues upstairs. while i personally was attracted to her, her mental state kept me distant.

in some respects she was very nice probably very cool. though because i made no effort to approach here – and there had been many opportunities – there was some distance. i probably never gave her a reason to really bridge the distance in my case i was unsure if i should’ve.

in that neighboring department there was a new young woman – of about 21 – who had been there since the summer. her body type resembles the young lady you see below though she left a lot more to the imagination than what you see here.
29.02.16 - 1

i will call this woman mary jr. she seems a lot more playful – and probably in a less crazy way than mary. she’s thicker, younger, and has caught my eye and certainly the eye of other young men. like mary, junior seems to have a certain distance from me.

often mary jr might send a quick comment my way about my whistling for example – she doesn’t like it apparently. otherwise not much is said by me and typically she doesn’t seem to notice me. i rarely have much to say to her and it might be because there is an age difference and it’s certainly attributable to her playful and youthful demeanor.

as of now however she’s one of the most interesting women i’ve seen at work. my dilemma is how to proceed and i’ve never been very good at that.

part of me wants to resort to the whole anonymous not slipped in her locker and she may want to know who’s interested. i feel as if that won’t go over very well.

i like to think i look younger than my almost 40 designation, however, doing the note thing is really beneath me. would the best move for me who’s never been on a bonifide date with a grown woman – well over 21 mainly – is to be bold? and considering that i’m checking out women at the work place regardless of their age this is something i want to be careful with.

young women

i have a story to share with you regarding that. in the meanwhile men’s health discussed this. it easy for me to see where dating a younger woman may not work.

and yes the opportunity has been there for me to date a much younger woman especially working with many at “the show”. many of them may not have fit well with me, some might have however my own shyness gets in the way.

regardless yeah, i seem somewhat directionless. i have little interest being a sugar daddy though my savings since changing jobs has gone up. i feel as if i have more to offer now. still for me to attract a young woman i need something to bring them to me.

one of those things will be, just being a cut above some of the young men these women encounter. one thing for me to consider, will she appreciate my extra gestures? to be sure i’m still not very good at that.

before the end of the month i will share this story involving a young colleague.

oh yeah i almost forgot, my motives for going young….wife and children. i can always date an almost 40 woman but the family i want to build may stop at one child. i really don’t want to raise an only child.

arguing with a nerdy girl

would you believe once that i told a young lady that “it’s a good thing i don’t care what you think”? well that didn’t go very well for me at that point.

one night at “the show” i had to seat theaters – we had reserved seating there. it was a saturday night and i just decided to cover myself with a walkie and a small flashlight. the walkie i just simply took without asking but decided if something is going on was worth having even if management didn’t agree. in which case i’d have given it up without question.

the small flashlight was for seaters especially when the theater is dark and you need to see numbers on the seats and the tickets with the seat numbers. while i barely did the job because it was such an obnoxious task dealing with obnoxious people who wanted to do what they wanted – even if it was a crowded auditorium. regardless it wasn’t so easy to switch jobs at this point, they took away the old scheduling system and we actually had to go through management to get a switch approved at least a head of time.

anyway my young coworker – we’ll call her nancy – saw that i had a flashlight and a walkie. at first she says i don’t need a walkie and then said i didn’t need a flashlight. this coming from a young lady who herself was carrying one of those flashlight wands which i never enjoyed carrying and never saw the point of it. her job was to check theaters and she was in my theater before the show started.

i tried to tell her why i had the flashlight which is for us to seat when the theater was dark but she got stuck on her idea that i didn’t need it. we went back and forth for a while until i finally just cracked on her and she didn’t like. “shut up talking to me”, she said.

finally i just told her you’re arguing with the wrong one and she stopped. sometimes it takes me time to catch up to her own feelings, but if i was cool to her at one point as time goes on i wasn’t to her. eventually after one more oddball moment the next night she wouldn’t say anything else to me until she got fired allegedly for theft later. nancy had been among the group fired in february 2013.

all i can do is explain my side of the story and say that i took what was available for me to do the job at hand. she decided to question it because she didn’t see the point. perhaps i shouldn’t have fed into it, however, i did and caused a quick argument. my only point was that she had no right to tell me how to do my job. she felt as if she had an opinion.

nancy was about 16 or 17 at the time who i would describe as nerdy. however what cost her that job later in my opinion was the crowd she chose to hang around. she associated with the thieves who later lost their jobs. how this happened was a funny story and later feel bad about it.

nerdygirl

the story goes that she went at it with one of the senior managers. it’s possible he said something crazy and dug in. it’s also possible she wasn’t much different either. she got pulled into the office and somewhat intimidated presumably – adding this element of this story myself – she told them that she stole. with the management being what it was at the time, that took care of her job.

i only laughed at the time but as time went on i felt bad. i laughed when i heard the story or rumor as i prefer to treat it. when i heard she got let go i was somewhat surprised. but then the way she went off at me digging in to her own opinion as i had during that moment in the auditorium probably was an indication of her youth.

many of the people i didn’t get along very well with were very young. they knew everything but actually not enough. they probably learned to play the politics and point fingers and had been successful with it. however, doing that only lasts so long and if you do that with the wrong managers it won’t look good for you. it seems they get away with that nonsense there.

long story short with nancy there was no reconciliation. i took care of her once after she was let go and handled this professionally. i pretended this was the first time i met her although i knew who she was. she may not have forgotten the history no matter how short it was as it turned out. i do hope however that she learned from that experience not with me, but as far as the job.

my late dad’s birthday is coming up

when jack v loses his dad…

i often have stated that my dad passed away when i was 17. his death was due to a stroke, but often i attribute it to his alcoholism. he just couldn’t stop drinking and seemed unwilling to seek help to beat his addiction.

over the years i’ve known him to quit cold turkey only to go back to drinking. also he had high blood pressure and unfortunately he tended to stop taking the medication to address his condition. he seemed to not be able to take medication and drink alcohol at the same time.

either way one morning in march he went to his lonely job as a nightwatchman at a facility where it was just him by himself and he never came back home. the next shift started looking for him and as it happens he was found on the floor. who knows how long he had been unconscious, however, he was gone in almost three days time. if anyone had gotten to him sooner who knows if he’d be OK, but all i know is he just had to go to work that night. due to his alcoholism this didn’t seem like a job he took very seriously.

immediately before he passed away i was unsure of our relationship. he was a rather temperamental man who came up with his ideas out of his blue. often he could be angry when he was sober and easily as he would be when he wasn’t. my mother and i feared he was a ticking timebomb. it went off in an unexpected way.

sometimes i wonder how life would’ve turned out for me back then. often i did a lot of talking about what i wanted to do but little uncertainty as far as getting started. my mother figured college was in the future but to be honest it was too far in the back of my mind. that was because i had little concept up until going to a community college about how it goes and what it entails.

on the other hand due to my interest in militaristic like science-fiction i was keen on joining the service. it was slightly more easy to have a concept of that, but after my dad’s death i’m not certain how that would’ve worked out for me. i feel at my age i missed the boat on that although yeah i can still join the air force at least.

either way it probably would’ve been easier to risk going away to school earlier than i had with little idea of that world. or it would’ve been easier to risk joining the service as i had some interest. alas neither was a path i immediately took when it was time to make my decision on after high school life.

my mother at some point before my dad’s death sat me down to map out my future and i feel as if i didn’t want to map anything out. perhaps i thought i had it figured out or was just unwilling to make any serious plans. all the same, i wanted what i wanted and decided that i didn’t need my mother to create a map for me. of course this explains why i didn’t have a plan when i graduated from high school.

lately i traced my reticence to move forward with my life to my dad’s death. it sidetracked me on a number of things more than i realize. perhaps my need to pursue a military career to leave home wasn’t as critical as i had thought. my mother wanted me in school, she thought i had the grades to succeed and to be honest she was wrong.

i look at all the time i spent trying to finish undergrad. my high school years had been a fluke being on the honor roll for most of my time. all the while i realized it was too easy as i never been so lucky during grade school. it seems that if it was of great interest to me my mother never really encouraged this as she believed college should’ve been in my future.

my dad had encouraged my brother to join the military more than my mother. sadly my brother didn’t last in the military due to an illness. and it took a few years for my brother to turn things around for himself just as it had for me.

i realize that back then i was not very willing to execute my own plans. i talked about the military but wouldn’t do the deed. when it was time to go to that liberal arts college i balked and was called out by a relative on it with the simple statement ” i heard that before”.

perhaps i still have some time to get something accomplished as far as what i would like to do in my future. hopefully something that my future children would be proud of. in spite of my father’s imperfections i hope there would be a third man with my father and grandfather’s name.