crisis: past tense

Concession Counter at Movie Theater

i began to realize that i was in a bit of a crisis from roughly 2012 to 2014. this was the “streak era” and that crisis involved confidence. some of my coworkers weren’t confident in me because they wanted to create drama and sometimes that drama included me.

often i point the finger at the young girls who created their cliques and targeted people they don’t like. who knows what exactly their purpose was other than to flex their muscles but that’s what it is. the mgmt clique was another group that one had to be concerned about they actually could cost anyone their job and especially if they wanted to trust the accusation of the young clique.

working with people who are quick to throw you under the bus for the least reason causes a crisis of confidence. also, the general atmosphere among associates had been that we’re replaceable anyone could do the job. it doesn’t matter how well one may do the job, their attitude could easily become you may do it well but you’re expendable. when you think about it the cooks from the upstairs lounge learned this attitude and they all just quit, they were tired of it. all our mgmt did was find someone to replace them.

i was never confident that i was doing the job mgmt expected. what i faced is that even though i never got fired the job got done but you run into one person that picks over this & that. perhaps i may not often be a problem however when there is depending upon who’s on duty it gets magnified quick. there was a general issue with morale and mgmt of the time really wasn’t help. it doesn’t matter who you clamp down on!

another set-up when i was working at “the show” i was in my early 30s. just graduated from “mission college” was a bit optimistic about my future. i really believed that my degree would open some doors for me and sadly it didn’t open any during my time at “the show”. bad enough i was working at a movie theater but those who knew i had a college degree found a way to use it as a cheap shot. and towards the end my longevity was used as a cheap shot.

funny part of this story is that i rarely dreaded coming to “the show”, think about it. i had been doing it for five years almost and in some respects there had been far worse periods than the “streak era”. the only time i ever dreaded coming to work was when my brief time went on at “gotham bank”. i really dreaded going to work there until they cut me loose.

the “streak era” crisis was really i couldn’t GET OUT OF THERE. i had already decided i’m not going to leave the show unless i found another job during this period. this was my mindset, me getting fired didn’t enter into my thinking. i went to work with the belief that in order to find another job it was good to be working a job. unfortunately i fill out applications, get interviews and for a good period of time no job offers. essentially the crisis became why won’t employers hire me?

i suppose this is why i may still talk about “the show”. the moment i worked my final shift there really should be the end of the dwelling, but as established with me not so fast. there are plenty of stories to tell from my time. even if many of the people i worked with who caused problems only merge together with no distinctions between them.

now i can say that if yours truly deserved more i’m there now. i got something out of my time there, it helped me get to where i need to be now. here’s hoping i continue to learn these many lessons.

younger women at “fresh foods”

mary aka crazy vibes unfortunately i learned was let go from “fresh foods” a few months ago. she had that odd crazy giggle and was pleasing to the eyes physically, but i had decided that she had some issues upstairs. while i personally was attracted to her, her mental state kept me distant.

in some respects she was very nice probably very cool. though because i made no effort to approach here – and there had been many opportunities – there was some distance. i probably never gave her a reason to really bridge the distance in my case i was unsure if i should’ve.

in that neighboring department there was a new young woman – of about 21 – who had been there since the summer. her body type resembles the young lady you see below though she left a lot more to the imagination than what you see here.
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i will call this woman mary jr. she seems a lot more playful – and probably in a less crazy way than mary. she’s thicker, younger, and has caught my eye and certainly the eye of other young men. like mary, junior seems to have a certain distance from me.

often mary jr might send a quick comment my way about my whistling for example – she doesn’t like it apparently. otherwise not much is said by me and typically she doesn’t seem to notice me. i rarely have much to say to her and it might be because there is an age difference and it’s certainly attributable to her playful and youthful demeanor.

as of now however she’s one of the most interesting women i’ve seen at work. my dilemma is how to proceed and i’ve never been very good at that.

part of me wants to resort to the whole anonymous not slipped in her locker and she may want to know who’s interested. i feel as if that won’t go over very well.

i like to think i look younger than my almost 40 designation, however, doing the note thing is really beneath me. would the best move for me who’s never been on a bonifide date with a grown woman – well over 21 mainly – is to be bold? and considering that i’m checking out women at the work place regardless of their age this is something i want to be careful with.

young women

i have a story to share with you regarding that. in the meanwhile men’s health discussed this. it easy for me to see where dating a younger woman may not work.

and yes the opportunity has been there for me to date a much younger woman especially working with many at “the show”. many of them may not have fit well with me, some might have however my own shyness gets in the way.

regardless yeah, i seem somewhat directionless. i have little interest being a sugar daddy though my savings since changing jobs has gone up. i feel as if i have more to offer now. still for me to attract a young woman i need something to bring them to me.

one of those things will be, just being a cut above some of the young men these women encounter. one thing for me to consider, will she appreciate my extra gestures? to be sure i’m still not very good at that.

before the end of the month i will share this story involving a young colleague.

oh yeah i almost forgot, my motives for going young….wife and children. i can always date an almost 40 woman but the family i want to build may stop at one child. i really don’t want to raise an only child.

arguing with a nerdy girl

would you believe once that i told a young lady that “it’s a good thing i don’t care what you think”? well that didn’t go very well for me at that point.

one night at “the show” i had to seat theaters – we had reserved seating there. it was a saturday night and i just decided to cover myself with a walkie and a small flashlight. the walkie i just simply took without asking but decided if something is going on was worth having even if management didn’t agree. in which case i’d have given it up without question.

the small flashlight was for seaters especially when the theater is dark and you need to see numbers on the seats and the tickets with the seat numbers. while i barely did the job because it was such an obnoxious task dealing with obnoxious people who wanted to do what they wanted – even if it was a crowded auditorium. regardless it wasn’t so easy to switch jobs at this point, they took away the old scheduling system and we actually had to go through management to get a switch approved at least a head of time.

anyway my young coworker – we’ll call her nancy – saw that i had a flashlight and a walkie. at first she says i don’t need a walkie and then said i didn’t need a flashlight. this coming from a young lady who herself was carrying one of those flashlight wands which i never enjoyed carrying and never saw the point of it. her job was to check theaters and she was in my theater before the show started.

i tried to tell her why i had the flashlight which is for us to seat when the theater was dark but she got stuck on her idea that i didn’t need it. we went back and forth for a while until i finally just cracked on her and she didn’t like. “shut up talking to me”, she said.

finally i just told her you’re arguing with the wrong one and she stopped. sometimes it takes me time to catch up to her own feelings, but if i was cool to her at one point as time goes on i wasn’t to her. eventually after one more oddball moment the next night she wouldn’t say anything else to me until she got fired allegedly for theft later. nancy had been among the group fired in february 2013.

all i can do is explain my side of the story and say that i took what was available for me to do the job at hand. she decided to question it because she didn’t see the point. perhaps i shouldn’t have fed into it, however, i did and caused a quick argument. my only point was that she had no right to tell me how to do my job. she felt as if she had an opinion.

nancy was about 16 or 17 at the time who i would describe as nerdy. however what cost her that job later in my opinion was the crowd she chose to hang around. she associated with the thieves who later lost their jobs. how this happened was a funny story and later feel bad about it.

nerdygirl

the story goes that she went at it with one of the senior managers. it’s possible he said something crazy and dug in. it’s also possible she wasn’t much different either. she got pulled into the office and somewhat intimidated presumably – adding this element of this story myself – she told them that she stole. with the management being what it was at the time, that took care of her job.

i only laughed at the time but as time went on i felt bad. i laughed when i heard the story or rumor as i prefer to treat it. when i heard she got let go i was somewhat surprised. but then the way she went off at me digging in to her own opinion as i had during that moment in the auditorium probably was an indication of her youth.

many of the people i didn’t get along very well with were very young. they knew everything but actually not enough. they probably learned to play the politics and point fingers and had been successful with it. however, doing that only lasts so long and if you do that with the wrong managers it won’t look good for you. it seems they get away with that nonsense there.

long story short with nancy there was no reconciliation. i took care of her once after she was let go and handled this professionally. i pretended this was the first time i met her although i knew who she was. she may not have forgotten the history no matter how short it was as it turned out. i do hope however that she learned from that experience not with me, but as far as the job.

my late dad’s birthday is coming up

when jack v loses his dad…

i often have stated that my dad passed away when i was 17. his death was due to a stroke, but often i attribute it to his alcoholism. he just couldn’t stop drinking and seemed unwilling to seek help to beat his addiction.

over the years i’ve known him to quit cold turkey only to go back to drinking. also he had high blood pressure and unfortunately he tended to stop taking the medication to address his condition. he seemed to not be able to take medication and drink alcohol at the same time.

either way one morning in march he went to his lonely job as a nightwatchman at a facility where it was just him by himself and he never came back home. the next shift started looking for him and as it happens he was found on the floor. who knows how long he had been unconscious, however, he was gone in almost three days time. if anyone had gotten to him sooner who knows if he’d be OK, but all i know is he just had to go to work that night. due to his alcoholism this didn’t seem like a job he took very seriously.

immediately before he passed away i was unsure of our relationship. he was a rather temperamental man who came up with his ideas out of his blue. often he could be angry when he was sober and easily as he would be when he wasn’t. my mother and i feared he was a ticking timebomb. it went off in an unexpected way.

sometimes i wonder how life would’ve turned out for me back then. often i did a lot of talking about what i wanted to do but little uncertainty as far as getting started. my mother figured college was in the future but to be honest it was too far in the back of my mind. that was because i had little concept up until going to a community college about how it goes and what it entails.

on the other hand due to my interest in militaristic like science-fiction i was keen on joining the service. it was slightly more easy to have a concept of that, but after my dad’s death i’m not certain how that would’ve worked out for me. i feel at my age i missed the boat on that although yeah i can still join the air force at least.

either way it probably would’ve been easier to risk going away to school earlier than i had with little idea of that world. or it would’ve been easier to risk joining the service as i had some interest. alas neither was a path i immediately took when it was time to make my decision on after high school life.

my mother at some point before my dad’s death sat me down to map out my future and i feel as if i didn’t want to map anything out. perhaps i thought i had it figured out or was just unwilling to make any serious plans. all the same, i wanted what i wanted and decided that i didn’t need my mother to create a map for me. of course this explains why i didn’t have a plan when i graduated from high school.

lately i traced my reticence to move forward with my life to my dad’s death. it sidetracked me on a number of things more than i realize. perhaps my need to pursue a military career to leave home wasn’t as critical as i had thought. my mother wanted me in school, she thought i had the grades to succeed and to be honest she was wrong.

i look at all the time i spent trying to finish undergrad. my high school years had been a fluke being on the honor roll for most of my time. all the while i realized it was too easy as i never been so lucky during grade school. it seems that if it was of great interest to me my mother never really encouraged this as she believed college should’ve been in my future.

my dad had encouraged my brother to join the military more than my mother. sadly my brother didn’t last in the military due to an illness. and it took a few years for my brother to turn things around for himself just as it had for me.

i realize that back then i was not very willing to execute my own plans. i talked about the military but wouldn’t do the deed. when it was time to go to that liberal arts college i balked and was called out by a relative on it with the simple statement ” i heard that before”.

perhaps i still have some time to get something accomplished as far as what i would like to do in my future. hopefully something that my future children would be proud of. in spite of my father’s imperfections i hope there would be a third man with my father and grandfather’s name.

why did i stay?

hey jack v if “the show” was so bad why did you work for them for so long?

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I revealed to one of the supervisors at work a partial reason as to why I left. Her question was more how was it and I’m not sure I answered directly other than to say there was a reason I left.

in my answer i pointed a finger at managers and coworkers being vague but just placing blame. i’m not sure that was fair entirely. But one thing was fair is that the time i got the job at the bank I decided it was time to leave. The main thing I didn’t want to do was bad mouth them as it wasn’t important but at some point it became a dreadful place to work.

in fact, the funny part is that it was less dreadful than the bank. i really wasn’t excited to work at the branch in which i got hired. the thing is the reason i stayed at both jobs was similar, i needed the job and it was always possible to look for something better (whatever that entailed).

the funny thing i consider about “the show” is that many of the people who decided it was ok to cause me trouble i outlasted them. either they left on their own for only reasons they know or they got fired. funny thing is why even decide to cause drama if you weren’t going to stay long.

i’ve began to have an appreciation for other opinions on who we worked with almost two years ago. some of them had their own psychology and found a job at a place where they could really engage in their worst instincts. and all they had to do was find someone such as me to feed into their psychology.

as far as managers i think they played to the various personalities there. they allowed these personalities to throw their issues onto someone else and just for the sake of complaining. perhaps someone was targeted because they knew certain members of management didn’t like said employee.

another aspect is the notion that in reality management really had no control over their employees while they worked there. some may not have feared losing their jobs because they did wrong. although considering the environment we were all employed at doing right didn’t always seem to matter anyway.

even if i never fulfilled any particular manager’s expectation i unlike a lot of people up there who focused on what they wanted to that i always strove to do my job. bad news is that the focus in my opinion was on what i didn’t do. for example i was never where i was supposed to be at the right time, it was lunacy and it helped to nudge me away although it took me some time.

we had a number of managers who weren’t people persons and that didn’t help when you were in a customer centered business. some probably had awful personalities and took it out on employees who tried not to really go at it with them. believe me as much as i preferred to stay below the radar there was only one real episode where i got so pissed at a manager i lost my temper and to their face.

all the same, after all the episodes of drama i finally found myself in a good position today. it’s something unfortunately that at times i came very close to losing due to an old culprit – tardies – but i consider where i came from. i went from a minimum wage job where i had very little other than a paycheck to a better job with benefits.

while it’s not my concern for some of the young trouble making coworkers i wonder where their activities have led them. it’s one thing if it led them to far more success on the other hand i suspect many might find themselves scraping by barely. hopefully many of them will take the time to right their ships. they’ll learn eventually.

as always time will heal all wounds. that was only for me.

chronicles

….of a 20ish virgin.

i think this will be a series of posts in no particular order. i may talk about women i’ve attempted to speak to or even the ones who tried to speak to me. especially when i was between 20 and 29. of course as happens on this blog i may get lost on other things such as work history or parental relationships for example.

COMMUNITY_COLLEGE

my early twenties had been spent at a community college since i graduated from high school. to be honest i had no plan for life after graduation other than my family’s expectation that i should go to college.

i enrolled at one of chicago’s community colleges and basically was average. somehow  i still had been accepted to a relatively prestigious liberal-arts college in georgia with a similar all-girls school across the street. my acceptance to that school would come the next spring.

anyway there wasn’t much action on the women front. there were a precious few women i could have asked out. especially the ones i went to class with but i was unwilling to shoot my shot. precious few still gave me any attention even if i deep down wanted it.

one semester i got a phone number – a hand written note – from a young woman i’ll refer to as carrie. carrie made a presentation in our social science class about living in public housing and some of the experiences she had. one notable part of this story was that she witnessed oral sex out in the open between people at her development.

another part of the story is that she had been touched by some of the violence that occurs in public housing. for example a high profile murder occurred and she knew the mother who lost her son to the violence. i thought it sounded as if the gang was targeting the mother but instead hit her son.

well it took me a few months to shoot my shot with carrie. and i finally did at the college library. that was at the end of the semester and i had my eye on her and she knew it. for the most part i was just uncomfortable with taking my shot but i took it.

oh yes to describe carrie. she had the nicest pair of eyes and a nice smile. i learned that she had a bit of a playful side that she on occasion displayed with me and with others. i liked what i thought of as her warmth.

one problem, i blew it. we didn’t see each other often after that semester although she was there and saw her on occasion. it was the end of that next semester when i finally called her. and we did talk a little bit then sloppily suggested that we go out sometime anytime she wanted to. that spelled the end for me getting some of that perceived warmth.

near the end i saw carrie again in the computer lab we spoke and she came up with excuses such as she had papers to do – ie the semester was almost over why are you still doing papers. i called her number one more time to talk but whoever answered the phone said she call me back. i never heard from this young woman again. and it took me a year to throw her number away as i wanted another chance and thought better of it.

it’s easy to build up an image in my mind. perhaps i wanted to be that knight in shining armor. my background was much different than carrie’s as i never grew up in public housing so i may not understand it. perhaps she may not understand my background either. either way i got let down somewhat easily and this was a lesson learned. perhaps i need a better approach and i shouldn’t allow something to build in my mind.

hopefully wherever carrie is today she is very happy with where she is today.