Back to the modern day for the moment

As I write this my mother is at home after an almost week stay in the hospital. She had an episode right in front of me where she “passed out”. As far as I’m concerned she was still conscious, however, as she tried to get into her car for her regular appointment I noticed that her head wasn’t steady and then she fell. Had a gash on her head for her trouble which was stapled by the E.R. and spend one night in the hospital.

Fast forward to when she returned to the E.R. to get the staples out and a few days after that she gets a call from the hospital. They gave her a heart monitor due to her episodes with “passing out”. They found something that likely occurred while she was asleep and told her to come to the E.R. as soon as possible and that turned into seven days. Seven days I was home alone taking the car to work as I had been for a while a lot of my schedule lately were early mornings. Most of the days she had been away I was working and my next off day was when I could take her home from the hospital.

Aside from talking about work or even my “situationship” what have I often discussed – financial independence. This episode causes me to further work to get my affairs in order and who knows when the inevitable will happen. I want her to see me get my affairs in order before she goes. Sadly dad isn’t here to see how my life turned out and while my mother was in the hospital she noted his recent birthday.

This is one reason why I have been saving the money I have been. I was asking questions about paying property taxes here in Chicago they’re due twice a year and the county won’t allow you to pay in advance. In fact my mother was upset that she just let the deadline to pay the property taxes slip by and I was able to share a link to paying those bills online so she got them done. At least the house is paid for and my mother isn’t prone to putting a home equity loan just to have some extra cash thankfully.

Right now the house isn’t so lonely, however, I need to stop being so hesitant or cautious as far as moving forward with my life. I think I’ve stuck around at home long enough. I can still help her when I can and she does have another son who lives with his own family halfway across America who has the “perfect life”.

I’m just sorry that these ongoing health issues and even the loss of her job at a neighborhood bank earlier that year had somewhat derailed the plans that I started to lay once I left The Show. It’s not her fault it’s just the situation and of course I’ve ran into some other setbacks as well in addition to the more pressing setbacks.

Perhaps I’m coming off as selfish but I recognize how I hadn’t really progressed the way I would’ve liked to. Perhaps I should’ve been in my own place or certainly have been able to secure a much better job by now. The issue now is to just get started.

Also I dreamed about my dad one night. Probably as a result of a convo I had with my mother the night before. Over the summer an uncle – one of my dad’s brothers – had passed away. I saw an unrecognizable name amongst the brothers and sisters and she talked about how dad actually talked to this then unknown to me half-brother and also got a cousin from his mother’s side of his family tree to come to our home to visit. One good thing about dad was that he was willing to talk with his mother’s side of the family.

In any case the dream was that my dad was driving mom’s current car. Part of me wanted to ask him how was it driving the car. One weird thing about my dad is that he really didn’t want my mom to own a car, he wanted to be the only one with a vehicle. Anyway to even think of asking a question is just recognizing that he had been away for a while. I seem to have a tendency to dream about him as if the events of over 20 years ago never happened.

Another strange thing about these dreams is that with him around I’m still at home. On the ride with my dad I was sitting in the back seat with mom riding shotgun. I have been convinced that if he was still around more than likely I wouldn’t still be at home. Perhaps I’d be in the military as it’s very likely he’d have been an influence in that decision.

Regardless I was in teenager mode in the dream which was certainly the last time he had seen me when he was living. Sometimes I like having those types of dreams.

The cousin – revisited

I wanted to revisit this episode for a while. I wrote a post when starting this blog back in 2015 remembering an episode where a first cousin named Natalie came home to visit with my mother. Because yours truly can be the “brooding” type I stayed in another part of the house while my mother and her niece were entertaining.

I was on the computer at that point surfing the internet just doing what’s normal for me. My mother felt the need to pull me upstairs complaining that I needed to speak instead of being downstairs uninterested and oblivious. The excuse my mother used was that I had footage of the previous year’s reunion and the laptop I was using was the only computer in the house where my mother and Natalie could watch the footage.

Well here’s where things just didn’t go well. Nat got very excited to see me and while I was very short when she just got so aggressive with her attempts to reach out. I was not feeling this at all, and Natalie was either very oblivious or just wanted to break through. Meanwhile most of my answers to her was uh-huh, OK, nuh-uh, alright. I didn’t want to waste too much of my breath when I was more into cutting this off quickly.

My mother I recall just seemed very uncomfortable as her head was down I noticed at one point. Things took a turn when Natalie decided to state for the record – “I heard you got a little girlfriend“. Well now there was a trainwreck right there and part of the story I talked about this girl I called Nicole and it just didn’t work. Perhaps your hero just ran her away in spite of himself either way Nat decided to get in on this and I really wanted to cut this off. Once it became clear I wasn’t feeling it she finally sensed that this isn’t going where she wanted it to go.

She piped it down and sat back on the sofa, I hurried up and got out of the living room.

You know there were some questions I never answered. Well yeah in the heat of that moment at that time I definitely wasn’t feeling having to discuss what happened with that little girlfriend. She probably didn’t know that this was a very touchy subject and if you will it was a failure that I was still smarting from. Someone told her and she just go so excited and just didn’t know that this was really a negative subject for me. I also hardly updated anyone didn’t see a need to with family I just dropped it, this was one of those things I talked too much about.

If it was so built up in Nat’s mind it definitely was in mine until it fell apart. Not really her fault it was just how I handled it back then. I just didn’t want to talk about it and she was the last one that yours truly wanted to say anything about it to.

Another thing I mentioned back then was just that we’ve had some odd interactions where she guts upset and often I don’t come out well for it. I suppose she has some expectations that once I walk over them she just has a problem. For example, I didn’t know that she didn’t like shrugging – well I need to tell that story one day. In some cases if she had a problem with something she didn’t always handle them very maturely. But then in some of those incidents she was young and I’m betting some of this is her background especially with a mentally ill mother.

I’m willing to bet her own “maturity” causes her to not to be very upset with me. She’ll quickly forget what happened and try to be friendly again. It could be that she just wants to drop what upset her and certainly she’ll drop it once she felt as if she addressed it. Meanwhile I can hold onto stuff for a long time, while she moves forward I’ll turn around and say leave me alone.

Which for most of the last decade after graduating with my undergrad degree she largely has. I’ve been to a handful of reunions in the past decade and I’ve not seen her. I understand it’s usually vacations and when the family plans reunions it seems many of them are last minute. Once Natalie and Nate makes their plains there’s a scheduling conflict.

I did note that she sent me a friend request on facebook and when I didn’t accept or reject right away I eventually saw that it went away. Sometimes I might accidently hit a button whether to accept or reject and don’t recall that either way with Natalie, perhaps she just got tired of the waiting game or changed her mind. If she doesn’t take my actions very seriously, I’m sure she thought about some of my actions towards her over the years.

Oh and let me mention this, Natalie on the surface is very nice. On the other hand Nat has that angry side and its a side Ive encountered on occasion. And on this day at home, she exposed it especially after trying to figure something out about this little girlfriend. I can cause her to drop that happy smiley “mask” sometimes.

Finally another thing to add is that she was on the little girlfriend trip long before this. When my brother got married she started talking about it and had herself a “forced laugh” when she queried me regarding a dance I shared with some woman at the wedding. To be honest I don’t really remember who that “cougar” was but Natalie wanted to talk about it. When she found out I was going to visit another one of my uncles at a neighborhood watering hole she still had to state in a silly way that “maybe you will find you a girlfriend”.

Two of my uncles – one I don’t care for the other I cared for more – likely heard that remark and gave no response. Either they didn’t get it or they weren’t amused. Perhaps while her comment was thoughtless because we were going to a bar. At that time I wasn’t yet 21 and since my uncle at that time was middle-aged who knows what type of women I would find there. She probably didn’t really know…

Either way I’m planning to make yet another reunion over the summer. Perhaps we shall see how that turns out for yours truly. Will Nat and Nate be there this year?

Meanwhile feel free to check out The Cousin and Signals which are the most relevant posts to this revisit.

What’s better?

I’ve been thinking about this for a while and my current journey has been really making smarter money decisions. My journey included associating with a man who’s own hot air is to show he’s got something going but only exposing that’s he broke and needy.

I had a discussion with a coworker one evening and while he might agree with me that it’s best not to be broke. He might turn around and say don’t allow that to be your selling point because the woman might only see $$$ signs. Hard to argue that and I also know broke men seem to be able to get action with women.

It’s probably something to find a woman who doesn’t care if you have 5 pennies or $5 million. That’s the one worth her weight in gold I’m sure, good character hopefully. I suppose having money in the bank in my own view is an asset, however, is it possible to still miss the point.

I would imagine most women wouldn’t want a broke man. Or we could go even further there is a segment of women who might nitpick over the type of job a man has. For example I’ve explored that some women might treat a blue collar man differently than a white collar man. Some women might not take very serious a grocery store clerk for example even if said clerk was generally a good dependable man while a white collar man has the issues of say a J.R. Ewing.

Dallas – JR Slaps Sue Ellen and on second thought they deserve each other don’t they?

So I suppose when I presented the idea of whether or not it’s better to have money to keep a woman he comes up with if a woman really loves you, money isn’t necessary except a roof over your head and electricity. Hmmm, this complicates things doesn’t it? I suppose as a man I still have to create a home for her to stay.

My mother and I one day were talking about relatives – I have an uncle who seems to come up short often and she mentioned one of my first cousins who though says she has money issues is still able to pay off a luxury car she has purchased. I don’t have a great relationship with either and more so my cousin than my uncle whom I’ve rarely heard from over the years. However I just had to say something and it’s based on my own personal experience.

I can speak to the gifts of my cousin, she’s sociable and I don’t associate money issues with sociable. With this said I know very little about her finances so there isn’t much for me to criticize. Then again my viewpoint is always about abundance you don’t need to have small cash infusions in order to take care of your basic needs such as rent, food, etc. And as far as I know my cousin hasn’t come around for any at least from my mother and what she did get from my mother was basic advice like if you want to save some money put it in a bank far from home for example. If you live in the burbs find a bank in the city and open an account.

Well, my comments sort of backfired as my mother might make some real world comments like who will you leave your money for or you got money but are you enjoying life. I still would say I’d rather have my nest egg while I’m able to use it than be utterly broke. And in my personal experience there is exactly a broke person who definitely isn’t happy about life although as a gift he can be sociable. He could use that to solve his issues with money although it’s getting much later in the game for him at this point.

However, many questions to unpack. Is money necessary for a mate? Does money help you find a mate? Does money allow you to enjoy life?

I could also ask if money brings happiness, though there is a flipside here. Having an abundance of money probably isn’t the key to happiness, however, when it comes to relationships something there has to bring happiness right?

Timelines

You know I often speak so much about the Streak Era or the Reign of Error or perhaps a bit more long running the Planet Hustle period. There is one era I haven’t spoken as much about which is the Apocalypse Era and surely it sounds a lot more dire to you than it actually might be. Well you make the call on that as it’s spelled out for you.

The Apocalypse Era began in January 2017. At that point in time my mother was out of the hospital and while she wasn’t down and out she was complaining how she just didn’t have any energy. So while she was convalescing at home she wasn’t 100% after her recent weeks stay away from home.

My bedroom is next to my mother’s and I heard her discuss the situation of her then job at the time. She had a financial adviser crunch some numbers as she explained the current situation which was her company was increasingly unstable. The company’s longtime owner had passed away and his relatively young cute widow took over as principal owner bringing in consultants. The new owner who actually inherited the company one could say just was in over her head – you know it sort of sounds familiar doesn’t it?

In any case by 2017 her company was shut down and my mother was ultimately out of a job. It wasn’t expected at least on my end, I thought it would survive and sadly it didn’t. Not only that my hope was that even if it was relatively brief my mother would eventually return to work and it wasn’t to be. That’s why from January 2017 forward this is the apocalypse era.

I wrote about this at the time, this is the time Jack V had to step up to the plate. I’ll have to be the one to bring food home and more so now that my mother isn’t making the bacon she used to. It just had to be noted that my mother still buys most of the groceries, however, she’s not out and about as she used to be. Also it’s a bit weird that she’s still buying groceries as yours truly is currently working at a grocery store and had been since 2015.

We went to a Fresh store in the suburbs a month or so ago and spend more than I ever had at the store just over $60 and thats with a Fresh Foods discount it would’ve be closer to $70 without it. Sometimes it’s not that common for my mother to spend over $100 for groceries. However, you do what you have to procure necessities. In my strategy I try not to spend that much though since I do work at a grocery store it seems little by little I always grab necessities just about every shift.

To be honest though I didn’t take this whole Apocalypse Era very seriously. Perhaps it was just a difficult situation to face that my mother is effectively retired and yours truly has to be more responsible for himself. And as we lead into what became the Reign of Error yours truly faces the real challenge of that emerging timeline which is losing his job “unexpectedly” at the Hole.

I was reaching my apex for that time, working on a new role in my dept which hopefully meant a promotion. I don’t want to tell the whole story, but there is a reason I slipped from that apex. The management change in my dept just didn’t help at the time. It’s safe to say I was starting to run into a real brick wall in the form of a new manager. Needless to say just as the Apocalypse Era was in full swing all the sudden there was a stop in my income…

Watching wrestling there is a character I’ve increasingly became enamored of and he refers to himself as anything from the Big Dog to the Tribal Chief to the Head of the Table. In my own ego I don’t just want a seat at the table, I want to take the table with me when I leave. 😛

Still I’m trying to get into that mindset now although we’re over four years into this new era. I don’t want to get into the mindset of this character who tells his cousin how everything he does now reflects onto him. If he loses then the locker room won’t respect the Head of the Table. The Head of the Table is the one who’s bringing in the bread….

I feel as if without the very egoism or narcissism of this character, and in light of the revelations of Planet Hustle this is the mindset I need. Yours truly has to do a better job of handling his own business and especially at the home I still share with my elderly mother. Jack V has to be more responsible for myself and that means just as the Tribal Chief does, I have to do everything to secure the resources that are available.

When the Apocalypse Era started I still largely dwelled on the so-called Streak Era which marked the drive to find a new drive or indeed my time at The Show. Right now I’ve largely dwelled on the Reign of Error and Planet Hustle. Now it’s time to secure my future in the Apocalypse Era….

Christmas

It was a tradition with my father’s brothers and sisters to have a gathering at one of my aunt’s house on Christmas. She was very lively and was heavily involved in church activities. Her cooking was often top notch and most of the family who was available to attend from cousins to her siblings and then even in-laws would come over to eat and socialize. For my part I just stay in a corner and people would often just approach because of course that’s what they were there for.

Well, the last one I attended it was when my mother was getting out of the hospital after getting further treatment for her condition. I didn’t stay as my mother who was waiting in the car probably was advised to avoid gatherings, you know social distancing because of the treatment she had – very much pre-pandemic. While I didn’t speak to anyone other than my aunt that I recall my only purpose was to pick up a plate she fixed for my mother on our way back to our home on that day.

That’s the last one I recall and it’s something that I now realize I took for granted. That aunt I’ve heard this year is beginning to lose it. Her mind just isn’t what it used to be and she is up there in the years. Alas since I’m not always the most sociable, I didn’t always want to be bothered. And there were times she’d lay her sociability very thick and often there was no favorable response from me.

My mother had to tell me some of this is because of my dad’s untimely demise and yes he went to these gatherings but owing to his temperamental nature I’ll bet he didn’t go every year. I get the sense that at some point my dad kept his distance from his family.

I remember we were with another aunt and my dad carried on to the point where she just got out of the car and took a bus home. She got tired of him and I can’t say some of this was his personality or his substance abuse.

Well I took a lot of these things for granted. Here’s hoping you’re cherishing the memories you’re making now! Never take anything for granted as one day it can be taken from you.

I hope you’re having a happy holidays this year.

What’s been happening?

The job has been picking up cases of this bug in recent weeks. We get text alerts on our phone and it seems we get notifications just about everyday as of late. Unfortunately we’ve learned someone has died of it in my dept.

I didn’t really associate with him although we did often work in close proximity. He dilligently did his job, what I can note was that he was short – well shorter than yours truly – and very pudgy. He wasn’t exactly the symbol of being physically fit. So I can visually spot a risk factor there although I can’t possibly know the state of his health.

Either way because he got sick put others under quarantine which led to our team being a lot more understaffed for the time being. Overtime is being offered it just lets me know this pandemic isn’t even close to being over. It didn’t burn out over the summer though at least we’re closer to a vaccine now than we were at the beginning.

I almost forgot I learned about the death after reading a note by the time clock after a day or two off. It dampened my spirits, the last thing anyone wants to know is that someone there died and especially from this ongoing bug going around. Well beyond that all one can do is to get on with it.

* Last month my mother lost one of her sisters. She was a younger sister who just made 60 this year, however, she had been sick for a period of time. I barely knew her as she spent a lot of time a part from the family. She’s had some issues in her youth that she had largely cleaned herself up.

She was married at the time of her untimely demise so she cleaned herself up long enough to find a husband. The only time I remembered her coming around and/or calling family was when she asked for money from my mother. I forget when that was it was in the 2000s or even the last decade I don’t remember. However, it seemed as if she was blowing up the phone lines for a small cash infusion.

Either way the last time I saw her I do remember which was after a family reunion the year I got kicked out of mission for the second and last time. Of course no one outside of me and my mother knew that at the time. I know that she was expecting more of a greeting than I was willing to give her at the time.

I was more focused on rubbing my hands with sanitizer and she was quick to move on to the next person. I suppose I wasn’t in the mood to be very touchy feely. Now in light of her untimely passing and just thinking about the last time I saw her now I feel bad.

I suppose you never know what the future is. Though couple that with the family reportedly never really saw her other than a very persistent ability from another of my mother’s sisters to reach out every once in a while. Just as I made a choice over a decade ago so did she. I could say she made a choice to grace us or more specifically yours truly with her presence only rarely. I still have no real idea that she was at my grandmother – well her mother’s funeral – although I have to admit I don’t know because I chose not to go.

* I have to add that I don’t like going to funerals. Because of my mother’s age and insecurity about driving at night I went to one funeral this year for one of my great aunts. So I wanted a chance to go to whatever services were for my aunt because we could go back to our family’s southern hometown to visit another relative who my mother learned her mind is starting to go bad. The relative was one of my dad’s aunt’s and she was the last survivor from his mother’s family.

Well owing to the pandemic in part and certainly my work schedule and how onerous it seems to insure that I won’t get penalized for not coming into work I just decided it wasn’t worth the hassle. I guess I’m a workaholic and it’s necessary in an uncertain time. We’re not even certain who the president will be although someone has declared they’re the president-elect.

Unfortunately I chose to not go and it seems my mother isn’t too unhappy about it. She didn’t really work too hard to make any arrangements to go as we heard other family were making plans. If I had went this would’ve been the first family gathering I’d have attended this year although under very sad circumstances.

* A question that was never asked. Why didn’t I go to my grandmother’s funeral?

The basic excuse is my work schedule. And perhaps I was concerned it was very onerous for me to try to get some time off to go to her funeral without being penalized. Also as I said I grew to not like funerals over the years. Perhaps I’ve just about seen them all to say I just don’t like them. Perhaps organ music, spirituals, hymms, remarks, preaching, caskets, etc just doesn’t have an appeal. Perhaps it’s not supposed to be an appeal other than to remember the live of the deceased.

Another part of this is that I worked at The Show as unlike now I didn’t get paid time off. During those years at the theater I hardly went out of town other than going to homecoming at Mission. What helps me to get out of town now is that I get PTO and thus I might take a week or so off to take a vacation.

For example I took a west coast jaunt years ago and what helped that was well I essentially got paid vacation for it. Not that it would’ve made it easier for me to attend a funeral out of town. But I do imagine that would’ve been a consideration at the time just as it could’ve been this time if I had been willing to make that effort.

* I do recognize that there was a period of time as I tried to build my income and my work experience that I missed out on time with my folks. When I went to Mission during my time at The Show I made no effort to connect with family of course the second time I went I had little choice there were no hotel vacancies and I couldn’t get a bus back to Chicago.

Either way there was a period of time it wasn’t very important. I want to make a effort to connect with people I care about more than I want to connect with people who really aren’t that concerned other than our blood connection. I feel as if just as my late aunt had I denied them at times the opportunity to connect the opportunity to grace them with my presence.

However, I feel as if the same rules apply as they do with the Fiend that I continue to mention on occasion. It comes out that he really doesn’t have a very positive view of yours truly. In his sense of domination and paternal instinct that attitude comes out. I have every right to pull back family or not.

wedding season – revisited

I just had to rewrite this post from just about three years ago. My brother got married at this point 20 years ago. It’s amazing how time flies.

A few things I do remember from that period of time. I may have mentioned this in another post, however, during this time my cousin Natalie and the rest of the family were at one of my aunt’s house after my brother’s wedding and they got to talking about her husband Nate’s aspirations.

At the time I didn’t know what kind of job Nate had however I do know he was working for a major company. Somehow I do recall that Nate at some point noted he wanted to do something entrepreneurial – I think a record store came up. Nat had a problem with this and stated how she’d be less of a woman if she accepted that.

I suppose Natalie liked being a wife to a corporate hot shot. And the aunt who hosted us told Nat “Don’t say that” trying to discourage such talk. It’s amazing how I had such a long memory about that and have never forgot that statement many years later. Who knows what Nate’s current aspirations are now.

They didn’t have children at the time and weeks after my brother’s wedding it became known in the family that Nat & Nate were expecting their first born child. They now have two children and it’s amazing to note that both have grown up and their first born daughter is in college. Time flies for sure.

As for my brother, he decided to make a change in his life at that point. For which I’m happy for him, though I noted in that long ago post that back then we were at odds. My mother had noted over the years that in temperament I’ve turned more and more into my dad – minus the alcohol. My brother I feel may well have inherited my dads’ unfortunate disappointment with life. If my dad wanted to move forward he gets sidetracked and it held him up from achieving his goals.

My brother has a lot more going for him in 20 years since he graduated from college and got married. He’s in a great position currently, however, he still isn’t very happy with his life. That’s very sad as I should be the one who’s very unsatisfied with my life. However, I’d like to get into his position as far as income anyway.

As far as our relationship, as you may have already guessed it’s not great and the blame could go on both sides. However, I know that my brother and I were connected on facebook at one point and he deleted me at some point. Used my other facebook to get him back and he rejected that request. So he’s still being funny, but as I got older I recognize that it’s time to do better as far as that relationship.

I’ve got some reason to these days! Don’t forget to revisit the post that I rewrote so that I can go backwards in time this evening.

Project Excel

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The events of this moment of my life happened halfway during my senior year of high school. I don’t know how much of this to tell and that may come later, however, this post has remained a draft and in light of my current situation its come back to mind.

My mother and I had talked about this event over the years. She always says that she was trying to help and when she brings it up at random – as in to turn this into a disappointment – I’m always defensive about it. However, on my end the position had often been I’m defensive because of how it all ended. Not because I never did this Project Excel – pre-college – program, but because I didn’t keep this from becoming a thing.

The reason why this situation became an episode that I was very unwilling to give a teacher at school who I’ll identify as Ms. T – T was for Tenacious – an answer as far as my decision on this program. I don’t know if it’s indecision on my part although to be honest I just thought she’d move onto the next person. However for roughly the next month as this took place during January and February, she would come around at random and just check on me and often I was annoyed with this.

One memorable follow-up during this period was she came to my class probably pre-calculus to follow-up on me, she straight up said she tried to call my house but no answer. Well I knew what likely happened I was probably on the internet using a dial-up service that’s why she couldn’t get through as my mother would often express frustration at not being able to call home while I’m online. So anyway in the absence of a direct answer she continued to come around.

Things eventually came to a head, and I was forced to let my mother know about it. And that was something I dreaded, because in my youthful mind it was inconceivable that Ms. T would continue to chase me down. In this case, she never asked me if I was interested and I never told her. She just had me call my mother at work one day at school and my mother got excited and gave her blessing. Even at 18 I still needed parental permission to do this program, however, other than not wanting to be bothered and thinking it would go away I’m in something that I never really consented to.

Ms. T never bothered to ask me in a school office that day, she just insisted right there that I call my mother. It just never occurred to me that this would go that far and it just did. So I dreaded the moment my mother would ask for the forms she needed to sign, I hoped she too would forget about it. I don’t want to tell that story yet though.

I’ll just say that in the ensuing years she did express that she had been frustrated that I showed no progress in my direction in life. And she left me defensive when she brought it up, just something to bring up and that’s it. I never understood that strategy from anyone at all. It’s like keep that burden in his head no matter what. You made a mistake you’ll never live that down!

In later years and not making a direct reference to this I actually told my mother that if she was concerned about what was next in my future I had news for her I had no clue. I took the ACT and made an average score. Taking the ACT takes cash, I didn’t have much aside from my late father’s social security survivor benefits. Applying to school takes cash and so does tuition books etc it was a bit overwhelming and during my senior year I proved to be in very little rush on that.

I could even note that my mother was with me on two visits with military recruiters back then and she showed very little interest. Granted once I turned 18 it was all on me anyway, but what exactly did I need, why the hesitation? I had no idea but my answer to that was we never really discussed this. I also knew what her expectation was – and of course she immediately used the term steered and that was never my point – it was to go to college and do very well. I was never sold on it until I enrolled at a downtown community college just before the end of the registration deadline.

When I was still 17, I visited with a armed services recruiter and they definitely were working on me. They even provided me a form that my mother could sign so that it would be guaranteed that yours truly would enlist upon high school graduation. My mother didn’t want to sign, not so much it was a bad idea but I do think she didn’t want me to sign up for the military just yet. She expected me to go to college, it was what she wanted but what was necessary to be successful I was woefully deficient in that endeavor.

I think a real discussion could’ve made some difference back then and I also know that yours truly wouldn’t have made it very easy. It would’ve been hard to really pin me down on some things, I know this because later on she did try to pin me down on some things – let’s say about finding a job over the years. But in this case as far as what’s after high school it was really necessary.

Instead during the second-half of my senior year of high school her solution was force me into a program just because I had nothing else in the pipeline. I think I told her the basic story, a lady at school was chasing me down, never gave her an answer either way, next thing I know you get a phone call from this woman and I’m in it anyway. And it forces me to figure out how to get out of this situation and the ending was less than ideal at least from what I had envisioned, however, that’s another story for another time.

I also hit upon one thing as I write this. The year before my dad had passed away roughly this same time except during my junior year of high school. I think now during this period with my mother’s actions it only served to expose her fatalistic tendencies. She began talking in terms of she doesn’t know how much longer she’s going to live or I may not be around much longer. She wanted to see me do something right now!

It comes up every now and then and it’s only now that I concluded that his sudden demise – even if I think he did it to himself due to his substance abuse – really affected her. It’s caused decision making processes such as this over the years. A lot of what happened in this episode was unnecessary in reality, in my estimation it could’ve gone differently and it didn’t. It went the way it was supposed to.

The problem is, I handled this the way a child would. I absolutely resisted as I really had a problem with this. I didn’t know this was dangerous, however, if things had gone the way it would’ve in my head back then perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad. It was just too bad that in this moment, my mother wanted to be all over it.

TO BE CONTINUED….

Familiarity

photo of buildings during nighttime

Although I answered HarleyQ in the recent post when she asked the question about transferring out of my comfort zone it caused me to want to further expand that post. I went from talking about changing jobs and remaining comfortable and complacent in the roles I have accepted so far to considering whether or not I should leave my hometown.

In my answer I liken this to changing jobs (on my own terms) back in October ’14. The time to have left in reality was over two years ago before and I was very gungho for that, however, in my mind I needed a job to leave for. I had to work for that for over two years until I finally got a job offer to leave for.

I told a senior manager at The Show that I was leaving. At that moment I believed that was the right thing to do upon getting the job offer to go to Gotham Bank, there was hardly anything there for me to stay. I knew the job which was my comfort level and I knew some of the workers, especially the ones I felt that I could work with and the ones who were trouble. Although some of the managers were beginning to move on I knew them too for good or for bad. I left a job of almost five years with great familiarity, however, I knew it was stagnation no reason to think I would grow there.

There lies the catch-22 I was leaving the familiarity and taking on a role where I had no familiarity. A new environment does wonders, then again the new environment is the unknown and once I did turn in my two weeks with that aforementioned senior manager I did so with trepidation. Did I really want to leave?

Although I knew it was the right thing perhaps in a way I wasn’t really set to go. I made those decisions turned in my notice and never asked the rescind it. Your’s truly was still somewhat unsure about what I was doing. Even then once I realized it wasn’t working out in the long run, I had also decided it would be a failure if I tried to get my job back at The Show.

As far as transferring out of my comfort zone I feel as if I may have that same hesitation. To leave the familiar is hard. I know the Chicago area for the most part leaving would be hard. I chose going to Mission College because where it was located it had decent public transit, but it was still an unfamiliar land.

I also consider my elderly mother who’s going through some of her current health challenges. We’ve occasionally discussed the possibility that I could take on a job outside of the Chicago area. Nothing serious comes of it, however, there are a few options I’ve noted where yours truly would want to go.

green grass field under blue sky

Iowa?

The pic I used in that last post I used a search term Iowa. It seems like an unlikely new direction for me, and especially for a state I’ve only passed through a handful of times. Most of us know Iowa as a place of agriculture, college football and even minor league baseball. I could find a decent sized city and be OK because it’s unthinkable to live in the sticks.

Someone suggested Georgia where Mission (not a real school but does represent my alma mater) is located and I basically just balked. Everyone is moving to Georgia and yours truly would rather start trends not follow them. 😛

Either way making a physical move to another city or another state is a difficult undertaking. Especially difficult without having a plan that could include a job or even a school to attend.

As always something under consideration for now.

“Truths never told”

multicolored multi story buildings

During my 6-month-hiatus from Fresh Foods I admitted that there were a precious few people I told about my situation. For example, I told Keith from The Show the story about what happened and even told him what happened with the man who I initially pointed the finger at (i.e. he got demoted and resigned was my story at the time). I saw others from The Show and I never told them just kept the status quo story that back then I still worked for Fresh. I never even told Henry as we were still in some form of contact, just saw no need.

Well I got another truth I never told. Well I definitely never told Anthony about my situation as I wouldn’t have heard the end of it. He’s such a loud mouth staking a position but has no basis for it. I got even more news for you as much as he had something to say about my switch from Gotham Bank to Fresh Foods I ever told him that I lost my job there as well.

I also never told my mother that I had interviewed to return. The interview I had was’t very good with an assistant store manager – he was in the office when I got let go. He probably didn’t remember me anyway and had a bad impression once I interviewed. Like I stated earlier perhaps it was just a personality clash we weren’t going to mesh well. Although my initial impression of him was he may be rough around the edges but he seemed approachable. However my approach didn’t work.

I tried to get some updates from one of the supervisors and got shut down at which point I realized it was time to let go. He later on admitted that the fact that I didn’t get hired was odd to him. He probably didn’t understand the decision making although in reality as much I tried to keep up my optimism it was the interview that tanked my chances. Whether on his part of my own it just wasn’t good.

I often still say that it would’ve been a great story for me to return to the Hole after 6 months away. Return to the “scene of the crime” as it were and go back to where I started. It wasn’t to be and it only opened the door for an opportunity elsewhere. I wonder if I’d have been such a drag if I had returned talking about that /goofball during the course of a shift. I’m sort of glad it didn’t happen.

Now, if I did return it would be a vastly different situation than I had left. Many of those characters I knew back in the day are now gone dispersed elsewhere or out of the company altogether. If I tried to return two years ago with some form of familiarity, now I just have to treat it like a new situation.

Incidentally I talk about some aspects of the background of the “reign of error” with my mother. I told her that I had applied two years ago to return, but never that there was an interview. Told him that someone who still works for the show now including a supervisor had tried to put my name forward and nothing came of it. In reality I had an interview and nothing came of it.

Either way before the episode On the spot, I had made an attempt to return to the store that I got hired at Fresh Foods in the first place. Instead not getting this opportunity allowed me to take on an opportunity anyway. Although as I’ve often said as of late it’s far more likely that I’ll return to the Hole than it is for me to return to The Show.