Recently

November. Ah this year has been most interesting and we’re at the end of it!

Perhaps I should update you on what has been going on as of late as it seems I can’t help but look down on memory lane.

In June, Gary left my now current store I call Flagship 3. The primary reason I did decide to make the leap was because he was there. It began to fell like a rough fit, but all that means is that a transition was coming and thankfully someone who was already there took over. I became witness to some actions by associates who don’t like Gary for whatever reason. Regardless Gary decided to move on and that’s that.

This past summer I went to my family’s southern hometown and finally visited one of my dad’s aunts sadly she’s going through dementia so she wasn’t her usual self. Just sitting around sucking her thumb almost as if she’s in a childlike state. Sort of a shame and sense I’m in genealogy now there are many questions to ask that she can no longer process now. Probably would have to rely on her daughter however who knows if she has the interest.

For most of that reunion I avoided taking pictures until an uncle asked me to take a pic with the first cousins and then my mother insisted I take a pic with the whole family. I often did John Cena’s you can’t see me in those situations. When people come to my table to take a pic I just bow my head and hide my face with the bib of my baseball cap. As you can see I hardly do well with these reunions, perhaps I don’t enjoy socializing in general. You can probably tell that right?

Finally this proved to be a stressful trip for my mother. She had to do a lot more walking than she wanted to and especially since she really has limited mobility as a result of a compound fracture in her hip back in 2016. And now I have a greater understanding of her treatment, she hasn’t entirely been forthcoming.

At some point this year someone on her care team asked me about her medicine. I have a limited understanding of her medicine but she’s never called it what they called it. Now I won’t entirely tell you what they told me, what I can tell you is that the word they used caught me off guard and let me know her condition is a bit more serious than I had recognized.

When we came back from the south in July my mother began complaining about a pain in that same affected leg and she went to the ER which found nothing. They gave her a series of medication to mitigate the pain which hasn’t entirely subsided though for most of July and August she was basically either in bed or huddled in her room unwilling to traverse the staircase.

Another thing that happened this past summer was that she acquired a cough which thankfully has largely subsided although another term used by a nurse caught me off guard. The term used I question my mother on it and my voice raised because if I keep my voice soft she can’t hear me. And she straight told me the term she uses she doesn’t want to accept. Again she’s not entirely forthcoming about what exactly is going on with her.

Or even the kind of doctors she’s been seeing. For her leg she saw an orthopedist, the one who performed the surgery years ago. Right now the pain in her leg is concluded to be arthritis. Could this mean more surgery? She’s not keen on it though they’re talking about sending her back to the hospital for treatment that had years ago depressed her immune system. Which I sort of asked her to think long and hard about that and see if there’s any other reasonable alternative.

Now her current condition – which I do believe weakens the strength of her bones that years ago caused that strange compound fracture that is it just happened – she gave me a name I can’t remember. It’s just not something that’s as easy to remember. It does have a name and describes her current condition and I would think is a very rare condition and her doctors had misdiagnosed the pain in her leg initially.

What I recognize is that my mother is getting older, so she might not bounce back like she used to. And currently my role is her “part-time live-in caretaker” which was a role I was never prepared for. I realized that I hadn’t really lived my life yet.

I had planned to go to Mission College homecoming however I cancelled my time off as my boss never approved it. We’ve been short-staff for a while because we fired some people or some people got hired and they decided it wasn’t for them – in one case one went to lunch and never came back! Regardless that impacted my ability to take my own vacation outside of the reunion.

Also there were a couple of visits of my aunt Claudine who was there to help my mother get some affairs in order that she had been talking about for a while. It was great to get some support although my mother doesn’t really want to spread that around, however, the support is needed at least for me.

I had to do a lot more cooking than necessary – especially since usually I work nights. When I get an off day I might cook something which at one point was beef and I really like the beef I buy from the job. Although it’s time to expand into poultry and what not. And pork…

So anyway, that’s whats been going on lately. I wish you all a happy holidays!

Don’t know what a crisis is?

I had written something down by hand, years ago that I tried to find last night to share with you all. Couldn’t find it. When I find it again you will see it on this blog.

However, the gist of what was written back then (don’t remember when I wrote it) made references to my college years and perhaps in reference to what was going on at The Show.

Basically, this was my favorite saying from what was written “some people don’t know what a crisis is”. Perhaps I didn’t know what a crisis is. People stress themselves out over a situation so small or perhaps inconsequential that it seems like the end of the world to them and only them. Perhaps they want others to be as stressed out as them.

Now to bring it to about 2023, I recognize that some people thrive on this. They’ll create a crisis for others and well the reasons they do so are only for them to really know. Perhaps in some respects this is always a diversion from their own inadequacies. In reality only they know what their diversion is designed to cover up for or even why it’s necessary to divert.

Of course on the other hand I recognize some people thrive on crisis. Creating drama around them for whatever reason. They don’t know how to let things just sit around them.

And one could add, that for a lot of the stories I discuss from my time at The Show to incidents more recently that perhaps yours truly attracts those types. From the “disappointed father” to the more insecure in their roles or even just plain scam artists, I wish I knew what it was.

It has taken some of those experiences for me to recognize the patterns of what has happened to see where it goes and most importantly how to pull away from such “crises”.

Religion

Well religion won’t be as much discussed as perhaps my own personal history with it.

I’ve always associated church with having to clean up and dress up. Perhaps I’m just allergic to that, well not allergic just something that perhaps my mother and father felt it was necessary to do. Of course it’s not so much that you should show up in church wearing pajamas. I like the idea of going to a service in casual attire which suits me best.

Either way for some reason I started looking up the church where the services for my father was held. It’s not far from home and I can’t even begin to tell you the last time I’ve been to services there. When I was out of school one of his sisters, my aunt suggested to my mother that I go to Sunday School roughly fall  2002 or so for the purposes of job leads. I’ve not been been back to that church since then.

Oh yeah current update which I offered a while ago is this aunt is currently in cognitive decline so she may not be attending services at this church as she used to in the past. Also my dad had actually joined her church.

Anyway my dad had a church home where we had his funeral and I do recall that in the past he stood up to join the church we had a period of faithful attendance and then it tapered off. Not to my surprise, yet to my relief. Although 20/20 hindsight if it could’ve helped him with his drinking it would be a good thing although it’s unknown why he stopped going regularly or even if him joining the church was part of an effort for him to stop drinking.

Anyway in perhaps the decades since his unexpected demise so many changes to that church. The church I remember over so many Sundays is no longer an active church. It’s still there, however, church services are now held in a nearby building, and I’ve never been inside that building. It’s gone through two pastors since my dad had passed away.

The one pastor I do remember presided over dad’s funeral and was in the hospital as my dad was on a respirator to pray with us. I remember his theme song when he stepped up to the podium that you see in the above video. Alas I hardly remember any of his sermons at all, so I was hardly in tune with what was going on at church. Perhaps too eager to get back home and get back to normal.

Although one thing I’ve considered if joining a church is my future. In my history there have been services which had very boisterous worship. I suppose I’ve had my fill of that. In my youth my mother and I would attend Methodist services at a nearby church. I had often dismissed Catholicism and now I’m considering it.

Come to think of it, I had been wrongly judgemental of the services I have been to. I’ve been to services where they spoke in tongue, I really had an issue with it. Of course I’ve been to services with something of a call and response style. Of course there were choirs and organs, however, right now I’m searching for my own answer.

Perhaps this is the wrong way of approaching it, but when I choose a church I want to do something different and unexpected. Catholicism could be it I think, however, if I want some “praise” thank goodness for the internet!

In memoriam

I found out this morning that one of my aunts passed away. My mother was on the phone taking with her sisters and I already picked up some details. It involved her on a highway near our family’s southern hometown and it involved a car hitting her.

I know a few other details when my mother summoned me. I didn’t want to comment nor really speak about it. She may have noticed.

I’ve hinted at this aunt as she’s the mother of two sisters Natalie and Natasha. Natalie has been more of a feature on this blog since it started as I view our relationship to be not antagonistic, though occasionally we’ve had some strange run-ins. I effectively pushed her away even if she feels as if she’s had to reach out in some way.

Anyway a friend suggested that I call my aunt Minerva and the official story was that she was walking along a highway in our family’s hometown in the wee hours of the morning got hit by a car. The driver stopped and saw her body nearby and well they seemed to have called a coroner for her. She may have died instantly…

With this said Minerva was mentally ill and also it’s safe to say she wasn’t in robust health. The last time I recall seeing her was at family reunions the one in our family’s hometown and another in Georgia. I haven’t really seen Natasha in a few years though we’ve exchanged texts occasionally. Nat I haven’t seen in over a decade and our last communication was when she got blown off when she tried to congratulate me on my graduation and when called the house looking for my mother.

Well I have no direct way of getting touch with Nat and I did send a message to Tasha and if you want to know what was said I’ll only say this – less is more :). I did hear from my mother as least that Natalie did want her involved in the obituary – this wasn’t direct if nothing else just hearsay. She would tell me if she heard directly with Nat.

My mother didn’t mind letting me know that both Tasha’s and Nat’s mothers-in-laws had passed away within a short period of each other. And now their mother, to be honest since both are so different even in appearance it’s very easy to forget that they’re sisters. Perhaps in their own way they’re both marked by their personal relationships with Minerva. It’s might be one reason why I’m so distant from Nat even if she feels so inclined at one point to reach out to yours truly and then yet I make some social faux pas and she gets upset.

I must say however that their current relationships with their mother I do believe was strained. Sadly as indicated Minerva was mentally ill, why was she out to get hit by a car in the wee hours of the morning…unknown. I just remember that last time she was here in Chicago she’s just restless can’t settle down. Mother even just simply said Minerva doesn’t sleep. zzzz

To be honest for me to have her around was a bit of a pain and add to that my own uneasiness around mentally ill people. One has no idea what they’ll come up with and how they respond to it. Then again she’s someone who’s as clear as day and there are some who I probably couldn’t identify as mentally ill who I could describe the same way – no idea what they’ll come up with and how they respond.

So anyway who knows what arrangements are being made, however, as long as this goes on there are a few sad days ahead.

Fatherhood

I wanted to return to a theme that was considered recently. We’re calling back to the issue from the episode Faith. And I have to mention an old Fiend again.

One of his parting statements during the last period that I remained in contact with Anthony was to just ask at random “When are you going to have children so I can relate to you better?” I could’ve just admonished him for that instead I just rolled with it and said I’m working on it. However, what does he care?

He connected with me knowing this and still finds this to be a problem for him. Especially for his last moment of begging that he wanted to borrow money for his son.

Anyway I think about this more now. Family  – and Anthony isn’t family by no means – expect you to go out get into a relationship, have children and may not always care about whether or not you’re married. I don’t feel that pressure from my family they may ask and I say know although there are rumblings of people who want to know what’s going on. They may wonder if there is something legit wrong with me, although, there are other family member with worse issues than me.

My stance on this issue is no one should force you to have kids unless you’re ready. At a different time I’d be like I can’t wait to have my first son, however, the more I think about it the more concerned I get. Perhaps yours truly isn’t that sure he’d make a good father. And most importantly would I want to have a baby with anybody just to satisfy someone else’s want to see me settled with a family.

It probably isn’t exactly unknown among family that Jack V is a kissless and sexless virgin. I’ve never been known to have a girl hanging around or even known to have many female friends. So unknown to me people conclude what they will, right or wrong.

Perhaps producing a child shouldn’t the mark of manhood. You’re not successful because you knocked up some woman and that produced a baby. Consider me old fashioned, I want marriage a full stable family so that the child will be raised with hopefully a solid set of values. At the same time, I want my son (or God forbid a daughter) to have real respect for people and not act as if their emotional whims are more important than respect for others. I want to raise them to be successful in their lives in whatever they do.

At the same time even in my family I recognize those who didn’t quite do well in their lives and it could be attributed somewhat to their own upbringing. I could point out uncles, aunts, or cousins for example. So at this stage perhaps I have fear & doubt over my own ability to raise successful children.

I feel as if the older I get the opportunities to still have children are beginning to dwindle. I’m also glad that there are no children around for me to be worried about financially or otherwise. It’s something I still desire but at this point there are other milestones that take on far greater importance than that. No one can pressure me into something I will not do and will only do that for myself and no one else’s sensibilities.

Come to think of it, there needs to be another Fear and Doubt episode in the near future.

Back to the modern day for the moment

As I write this my mother is at home after an almost week stay in the hospital. She had an episode right in front of me where she “passed out”. As far as I’m concerned she was still conscious, however, as she tried to get into her car for her regular appointment I noticed that her head wasn’t steady and then she fell. Had a gash on her head for her trouble which was stapled by the E.R. and spend one night in the hospital.

Fast forward to when she returned to the E.R. to get the staples out and a few days after that she gets a call from the hospital. They gave her a heart monitor due to her episodes with “passing out”. They found something that likely occurred while she was asleep and told her to come to the E.R. as soon as possible and that turned into seven days. Seven days I was home alone taking the car to work as I had been for a while a lot of my schedule lately were early mornings. Most of the days she had been away I was working and my next off day was when I could take her home from the hospital.

Aside from talking about work or even my “situationship” what have I often discussed – financial independence. This episode causes me to further work to get my affairs in order and who knows when the inevitable will happen. I want her to see me get my affairs in order before she goes. Sadly dad isn’t here to see how my life turned out and while my mother was in the hospital she noted his recent birthday.

This is one reason why I have been saving the money I have been. I was asking questions about paying property taxes here in Chicago they’re due twice a year and the county won’t allow you to pay in advance. In fact my mother was upset that she just let the deadline to pay the property taxes slip by and I was able to share a link to paying those bills online so she got them done. At least the house is paid for and my mother isn’t prone to putting a home equity loan just to have some extra cash thankfully.

Right now the house isn’t so lonely, however, I need to stop being so hesitant or cautious as far as moving forward with my life. I think I’ve stuck around at home long enough. I can still help her when I can and she does have another son who lives with his own family halfway across America who has the “perfect life”.

I’m just sorry that these ongoing health issues and even the loss of her job at a neighborhood bank earlier that year had somewhat derailed the plans that I started to lay once I left The Show. It’s not her fault it’s just the situation and of course I’ve ran into some other setbacks as well in addition to the more pressing setbacks.

Perhaps I’m coming off as selfish but I recognize how I hadn’t really progressed the way I would’ve liked to. Perhaps I should’ve been in my own place or certainly have been able to secure a much better job by now. The issue now is to just get started.

Also I dreamed about my dad one night. Probably as a result of a convo I had with my mother the night before. Over the summer an uncle – one of my dad’s brothers – had passed away. I saw an unrecognizable name amongst the brothers and sisters and she talked about how dad actually talked to this then unknown to me half-brother and also got a cousin from his mother’s side of his family tree to come to our home to visit. One good thing about dad was that he was willing to talk with his mother’s side of the family.

In any case the dream was that my dad was driving mom’s current car. Part of me wanted to ask him how was it driving the car. One weird thing about my dad is that he really didn’t want my mom to own a car, he wanted to be the only one with a vehicle. Anyway to even think of asking a question is just recognizing that he had been away for a while. I seem to have a tendency to dream about him as if the events of over 20 years ago never happened.

Another strange thing about these dreams is that with him around I’m still at home. On the ride with my dad I was sitting in the back seat with mom riding shotgun. I have been convinced that if he was still around more than likely I wouldn’t still be at home. Perhaps I’d be in the military as it’s very likely he’d have been an influence in that decision.

Regardless I was in teenager mode in the dream which was certainly the last time he had seen me when he was living. Sometimes I like having those types of dreams.

The cousin – revisited

I wanted to revisit this episode for a while. I wrote a post when starting this blog back in 2015 remembering an episode where a first cousin named Natalie came home to visit with my mother. Because yours truly can be the “brooding” type I stayed in another part of the house while my mother and her niece were entertaining.

I was on the computer at that point surfing the internet just doing what’s normal for me. My mother felt the need to pull me upstairs complaining that I needed to speak instead of being downstairs uninterested and oblivious. The excuse my mother used was that I had footage of the previous year’s reunion and the laptop I was using was the only computer in the house where my mother and Natalie could watch the footage.

Well here’s where things just didn’t go well. Nat got very excited to see me and while I was very short when she just got so aggressive with her attempts to reach out. I was not feeling this at all, and Natalie was either very oblivious or just wanted to break through. Meanwhile most of my answers to her was uh-huh, OK, nuh-uh, alright. I didn’t want to waste too much of my breath when I was more into cutting this off quickly.

My mother I recall just seemed very uncomfortable as her head was down I noticed at one point. Things took a turn when Natalie decided to state for the record – “I heard you got a little girlfriend“. Well now there was a trainwreck right there and part of the story I talked about this girl I called Nicole and it just didn’t work. Perhaps your hero just ran her away in spite of himself either way Nat decided to get in on this and I really wanted to cut this off. Once it became clear I wasn’t feeling it she finally sensed that this isn’t going where she wanted it to go.

She piped it down and sat back on the sofa, I hurried up and got out of the living room.

You know there were some questions I never answered. Well yeah in the heat of that moment at that time I definitely wasn’t feeling having to discuss what happened with that little girlfriend. She probably didn’t know that this was a very touchy subject and if you will it was a failure that I was still smarting from. Someone told her and she just go so excited and just didn’t know that this was really a negative subject for me. I also hardly updated anyone didn’t see a need to with family I just dropped it, this was one of those things I talked too much about.

If it was so built up in Nat’s mind it definitely was in mine until it fell apart. Not really her fault it was just how I handled it back then. I just didn’t want to talk about it and she was the last one that yours truly wanted to say anything about it to.

Another thing I mentioned back then was just that we’ve had some odd interactions where she guts upset and often I don’t come out well for it. I suppose she has some expectations that once I walk over them she just has a problem. For example, I didn’t know that she didn’t like shrugging – well I need to tell that story one day. In some cases if she had a problem with something she didn’t always handle them very maturely. But then in some of those incidents she was young and I’m betting some of this is her background especially with a mentally ill mother.

I’m willing to bet her own “maturity” causes her to not to be very upset with me. She’ll quickly forget what happened and try to be friendly again. It could be that she just wants to drop what upset her and certainly she’ll drop it once she felt as if she addressed it. Meanwhile I can hold onto stuff for a long time, while she moves forward I’ll turn around and say leave me alone.

Which for most of the last decade after graduating with my undergrad degree she largely has. I’ve been to a handful of reunions in the past decade and I’ve not seen her. I understand it’s usually vacations and when the family plans reunions it seems many of them are last minute. Once Natalie and Nate makes their plains there’s a scheduling conflict.

I did note that she sent me a friend request on facebook and when I didn’t accept or reject right away I eventually saw that it went away. Sometimes I might accidently hit a button whether to accept or reject and don’t recall that either way with Natalie, perhaps she just got tired of the waiting game or changed her mind. If she doesn’t take my actions very seriously, I’m sure she thought about some of my actions towards her over the years.

Oh and let me mention this, Natalie on the surface is very nice. On the other hand Nat has that angry side and its a side Ive encountered on occasion. And on this day at home, she exposed it especially after trying to figure something out about this little girlfriend. I can cause her to drop that happy smiley “mask” sometimes.

Finally another thing to add is that she was on the little girlfriend trip long before this. When my brother got married she started talking about it and had herself a “forced laugh” when she queried me regarding a dance I shared with some woman at the wedding. To be honest I don’t really remember who that “cougar” was but Natalie wanted to talk about it. When she found out I was going to visit another one of my uncles at a neighborhood watering hole she still had to state in a silly way that “maybe you will find you a girlfriend”.

Two of my uncles – one I don’t care for the other I cared for more – likely heard that remark and gave no response. Either they didn’t get it or they weren’t amused. Perhaps while her comment was thoughtless because we were going to a bar. At that time I wasn’t yet 21 and since my uncle at that time was middle-aged who knows what type of women I would find there. She probably didn’t really know…

Either way I’m planning to make yet another reunion over the summer. Perhaps we shall see how that turns out for yours truly. Will Nat and Nate be there this year?

Meanwhile feel free to check out The Cousin and Signals which are the most relevant posts to this revisit.

What’s better?

I’ve been thinking about this for a while and my current journey has been really making smarter money decisions. My journey included associating with a man who’s own hot air is to show he’s got something going but only exposing that’s he broke and needy.

I had a discussion with a coworker one evening and while he might agree with me that it’s best not to be broke. He might turn around and say don’t allow that to be your selling point because the woman might only see $$$ signs. Hard to argue that and I also know broke men seem to be able to get action with women.

It’s probably something to find a woman who doesn’t care if you have 5 pennies or $5 million. That’s the one worth her weight in gold I’m sure, good character hopefully. I suppose having money in the bank in my own view is an asset, however, is it possible to still miss the point.

I would imagine most women wouldn’t want a broke man. Or we could go even further there is a segment of women who might nitpick over the type of job a man has. For example I’ve explored that some women might treat a blue collar man differently than a white collar man. Some women might not take very serious a grocery store clerk for example even if said clerk was generally a good dependable man while a white collar man has the issues of say a J.R. Ewing.

Dallas – JR Slaps Sue Ellen and on second thought they deserve each other don’t they?

So I suppose when I presented the idea of whether or not it’s better to have money to keep a woman he comes up with if a woman really loves you, money isn’t necessary except a roof over your head and electricity. Hmmm, this complicates things doesn’t it? I suppose as a man I still have to create a home for her to stay.

My mother and I one day were talking about relatives – I have an uncle who seems to come up short often and she mentioned one of my first cousins who though says she has money issues is still able to pay off a luxury car she has purchased. I don’t have a great relationship with either and more so my cousin than my uncle whom I’ve rarely heard from over the years. However I just had to say something and it’s based on my own personal experience.

I can speak to the gifts of my cousin, she’s sociable and I don’t associate money issues with sociable. With this said I know very little about her finances so there isn’t much for me to criticize. Then again my viewpoint is always about abundance you don’t need to have small cash infusions in order to take care of your basic needs such as rent, food, etc. And as far as I know my cousin hasn’t come around for any at least from my mother and what she did get from my mother was basic advice like if you want to save some money put it in a bank far from home for example. If you live in the burbs find a bank in the city and open an account.

Well, my comments sort of backfired as my mother might make some real world comments like who will you leave your money for or you got money but are you enjoying life. I still would say I’d rather have my nest egg while I’m able to use it than be utterly broke. And in my personal experience there is exactly a broke person who definitely isn’t happy about life although as a gift he can be sociable. He could use that to solve his issues with money although it’s getting much later in the game for him at this point.

However, many questions to unpack. Is money necessary for a mate? Does money help you find a mate? Does money allow you to enjoy life?

I could also ask if money brings happiness, though there is a flipside here. Having an abundance of money probably isn’t the key to happiness, however, when it comes to relationships something there has to bring happiness right?

Timelines

You know I often speak so much about the Streak Era or the Reign of Error or perhaps a bit more long running the Planet Hustle period. There is one era I haven’t spoken as much about which is the Apocalypse Era and surely it sounds a lot more dire to you than it actually might be. Well you make the call on that as it’s spelled out for you.

The Apocalypse Era began in January 2017. At that point in time my mother was out of the hospital and while she wasn’t down and out she was complaining how she just didn’t have any energy. So while she was convalescing at home she wasn’t 100% after her recent weeks stay away from home.

My bedroom is next to my mother’s and I heard her discuss the situation of her then job at the time. She had a financial adviser crunch some numbers as she explained the current situation which was her company was increasingly unstable. The company’s longtime owner had passed away and his relatively young cute widow took over as principal owner bringing in consultants. The new owner who actually inherited the company one could say just was in over her head – you know it sort of sounds familiar doesn’t it?

In any case by 2017 her company was shut down and my mother was ultimately out of a job. It wasn’t expected at least on my end, I thought it would survive and sadly it didn’t. Not only that my hope was that even if it was relatively brief my mother would eventually return to work and it wasn’t to be. That’s why from January 2017 forward this is the apocalypse era.

I wrote about this at the time, this is the time Jack V had to step up to the plate. I’ll have to be the one to bring food home and more so now that my mother isn’t making the bacon she used to. It just had to be noted that my mother still buys most of the groceries, however, she’s not out and about as she used to be. Also it’s a bit weird that she’s still buying groceries as yours truly is currently working at a grocery store and had been since 2015.

We went to a Fresh store in the suburbs a month or so ago and spend more than I ever had at the store just over $60 and thats with a Fresh Foods discount it would’ve be closer to $70 without it. Sometimes it’s not that common for my mother to spend over $100 for groceries. However, you do what you have to procure necessities. In my strategy I try not to spend that much though since I do work at a grocery store it seems little by little I always grab necessities just about every shift.

To be honest though I didn’t take this whole Apocalypse Era very seriously. Perhaps it was just a difficult situation to face that my mother is effectively retired and yours truly has to be more responsible for himself. And as we lead into what became the Reign of Error yours truly faces the real challenge of that emerging timeline which is losing his job “unexpectedly” at the Hole.

I was reaching my apex for that time, working on a new role in my dept which hopefully meant a promotion. I don’t want to tell the whole story, but there is a reason I slipped from that apex. The management change in my dept just didn’t help at the time. It’s safe to say I was starting to run into a real brick wall in the form of a new manager. Needless to say just as the Apocalypse Era was in full swing all the sudden there was a stop in my income…

Watching wrestling there is a character I’ve increasingly became enamored of and he refers to himself as anything from the Big Dog to the Tribal Chief to the Head of the Table. In my own ego I don’t just want a seat at the table, I want to take the table with me when I leave. 😛

Still I’m trying to get into that mindset now although we’re over four years into this new era. I don’t want to get into the mindset of this character who tells his cousin how everything he does now reflects onto him. If he loses then the locker room won’t respect the Head of the Table. The Head of the Table is the one who’s bringing in the bread….

I feel as if without the very egoism or narcissism of this character, and in light of the revelations of Planet Hustle this is the mindset I need. Yours truly has to do a better job of handling his own business and especially at the home I still share with my elderly mother. Jack V has to be more responsible for myself and that means just as the Tribal Chief does, I have to do everything to secure the resources that are available.

When the Apocalypse Era started I still largely dwelled on the so-called Streak Era which marked the drive to find a new drive or indeed my time at The Show. Right now I’ve largely dwelled on the Reign of Error and Planet Hustle. Now it’s time to secure my future in the Apocalypse Era….

Christmas

It was a tradition with my father’s brothers and sisters to have a gathering at one of my aunt’s house on Christmas. She was very lively and was heavily involved in church activities. Her cooking was often top notch and most of the family who was available to attend from cousins to her siblings and then even in-laws would come over to eat and socialize. For my part I just stay in a corner and people would often just approach because of course that’s what they were there for.

Well, the last one I attended it was when my mother was getting out of the hospital after getting further treatment for her condition. I didn’t stay as my mother who was waiting in the car probably was advised to avoid gatherings, you know social distancing because of the treatment she had – very much pre-pandemic. While I didn’t speak to anyone other than my aunt that I recall my only purpose was to pick up a plate she fixed for my mother on our way back to our home on that day.

That’s the last one I recall and it’s something that I now realize I took for granted. That aunt I’ve heard this year is beginning to lose it. Her mind just isn’t what it used to be and she is up there in the years. Alas since I’m not always the most sociable, I didn’t always want to be bothered. And there were times she’d lay her sociability very thick and often there was no favorable response from me.

My mother had to tell me some of this is because of my dad’s untimely demise and yes he went to these gatherings but owing to his temperamental nature I’ll bet he didn’t go every year. I get the sense that at some point my dad kept his distance from his family.

I remember we were with another aunt and my dad carried on to the point where she just got out of the car and took a bus home. She got tired of him and I can’t say some of this was his personality or his substance abuse.

Well I took a lot of these things for granted. Here’s hoping you’re cherishing the memories you’re making now! Never take anything for granted as one day it can be taken from you.

I hope you’re having a happy holidays this year.