The cousin – revisited

I wanted to revisit this episode for a while. I wrote a post when starting this blog back in 2015 remembering an episode where a first cousin named Natalie came home to visit with my mother. Because yours truly can be the “brooding” type I stayed in another part of the house while my mother and her niece were entertaining.

I was on the computer at that point surfing the internet just doing what’s normal for me. My mother felt the need to pull me upstairs complaining that I needed to speak instead of being downstairs uninterested and oblivious. The excuse my mother used was that I had footage of the previous year’s reunion and the laptop I was using was the only computer in the house where my mother and Natalie could watch the footage.

Well here’s where things just didn’t go well. Nat got very excited to see me and while I was very short when she just got so aggressive with her attempts to reach out. I was not feeling this at all, and Natalie was either very oblivious or just wanted to break through. Meanwhile most of my answers to her was uh-huh, OK, nuh-uh, alright. I didn’t want to waste too much of my breath when I was more into cutting this off quickly.

My mother I recall just seemed very uncomfortable as her head was down I noticed at one point. Things took a turn when Natalie decided to state for the record – “I heard you got a little girlfriend“. Well now there was a trainwreck right there and part of the story I talked about this girl I called Nicole and it just didn’t work. Perhaps your hero just ran her away in spite of himself either way Nat decided to get in on this and I really wanted to cut this off. Once it became clear I wasn’t feeling it she finally sensed that this isn’t going where she wanted it to go.

She piped it down and sat back on the sofa, I hurried up and got out of the living room.

You know there were some questions I never answered. Well yeah in the heat of that moment at that time I definitely wasn’t feeling having to discuss what happened with that little girlfriend. She probably didn’t know that this was a very touchy subject and if you will it was a failure that I was still smarting from. Someone told her and she just go so excited and just didn’t know that this was really a negative subject for me. I also hardly updated anyone didn’t see a need to with family I just dropped it, this was one of those things I talked too much about.

If it was so built up in Nat’s mind it definitely was in mine until it fell apart. Not really her fault it was just how I handled it back then. I just didn’t want to talk about it and she was the last one that yours truly wanted to say anything about it to.

Another thing I mentioned back then was just that we’ve had some odd interactions where she guts upset and often I don’t come out well for it. I suppose she has some expectations that once I walk over them she just has a problem. For example, I didn’t know that she didn’t like shrugging – well I need to tell that story one day. In some cases if she had a problem with something she didn’t always handle them very maturely. But then in some of those incidents she was young and I’m betting some of this is her background especially with a mentally ill mother.

I’m willing to bet her own “maturity” causes her to not to be very upset with me. She’ll quickly forget what happened and try to be friendly again. It could be that she just wants to drop what upset her and certainly she’ll drop it once she felt as if she addressed it. Meanwhile I can hold onto stuff for a long time, while she moves forward I’ll turn around and say leave me alone.

Which for most of the last decade after graduating with my undergrad degree she largely has. I’ve been to a handful of reunions in the past decade and I’ve not seen her. I understand it’s usually vacations and when the family plans reunions it seems many of them are last minute. Once Natalie and Nate makes their plains there’s a scheduling conflict.

I did note that she sent me a friend request on facebook and when I didn’t accept or reject right away I eventually saw that it went away. Sometimes I might accidently hit a button whether to accept or reject and don’t recall that either way with Natalie, perhaps she just got tired of the waiting game or changed her mind. If she doesn’t take my actions very seriously, I’m sure she thought about some of my actions towards her over the years.

Oh and let me mention this, Natalie on the surface is very nice. On the other hand Nat has that angry side and its a side Ive encountered on occasion. And on this day at home, she exposed it especially after trying to figure something out about this little girlfriend. I can cause her to drop that happy smiley “mask” sometimes.

Finally another thing to add is that she was on the little girlfriend trip long before this. When my brother got married she started talking about it and had herself a “forced laugh” when she queried me regarding a dance I shared with some woman at the wedding. To be honest I don’t really remember who that “cougar” was but Natalie wanted to talk about it. When she found out I was going to visit another one of my uncles at a neighborhood watering hole she still had to state in a silly way that “maybe you will find you a girlfriend”.

Two of my uncles – one I don’t care for the other I cared for more – likely heard that remark and gave no response. Either they didn’t get it or they weren’t amused. Perhaps while her comment was thoughtless because we were going to a bar. At that time I wasn’t yet 21 and since my uncle at that time was middle-aged who knows what type of women I would find there. She probably didn’t really know…

Either way I’m planning to make yet another reunion over the summer. Perhaps we shall see how that turns out for yours truly. Will Nat and Nate be there this year?

Meanwhile feel free to check out The Cousin and Signals which are the most relevant posts to this revisit.

wedding season – revisited

I just had to rewrite this post from just about three years ago. My brother got married at this point 20 years ago. It’s amazing how time flies.

A few things I do remember from that period of time. I may have mentioned this in another post, however, during this time my cousin Natalie and the rest of the family were at one of my aunt’s house after my brother’s wedding and they got to talking about her husband Nate’s aspirations.

At the time I didn’t know what kind of job Nate had however I do know he was working for a major company. Somehow I do recall that Nate at some point noted he wanted to do something entrepreneurial – I think a record store came up. Nat had a problem with this and stated how she’d be less of a woman if she accepted that.

I suppose Natalie liked being a wife to a corporate hot shot. And the aunt who hosted us told Nat “Don’t say that” trying to discourage such talk. It’s amazing how I had such a long memory about that and have never forgot that statement many years later. Who knows what Nate’s current aspirations are now.

They didn’t have children at the time and weeks after my brother’s wedding it became known in the family that Nat & Nate were expecting their first born child. They now have two children and it’s amazing to note that both have grown up and their first born daughter is in college. Time flies for sure.

As for my brother, he decided to make a change in his life at that point. For which I’m happy for him, though I noted in that long ago post that back then we were at odds. My mother had noted over the years that in temperament I’ve turned more and more into my dad – minus the alcohol. My brother I feel may well have inherited my dads’ unfortunate disappointment with life. If my dad wanted to move forward he gets sidetracked and it held him up from achieving his goals.

My brother has a lot more going for him in 20 years since he graduated from college and got married. He’s in a great position currently, however, he still isn’t very happy with his life. That’s very sad as I should be the one who’s very unsatisfied with my life. However, I’d like to get into his position as far as income anyway.

As far as our relationship, as you may have already guessed it’s not great and the blame could go on both sides. However, I know that my brother and I were connected on facebook at one point and he deleted me at some point. Used my other facebook to get him back and he rejected that request. So he’s still being funny, but as I got older I recognize that it’s time to do better as far as that relationship.

I’ve got some reason to these days! Don’t forget to revisit the post that I rewrote so that I can go backwards in time this evening.

New Year 2010

My first job the year before out of Mission College was at a college bookstore which had been one of the longest tenure jobs up to that point that I had. It’s what I mostly knew as a worker still trying to establish himself. It felt like a disaster.

The store manager that hired me briefed us newbies on how the customers at a local community college had a sense of entitlement as the government gave them the money for books. However they treat government aid as if it’s their money and as if they’re paying customers. I’ve always known students to be very dutiful as far as getting their books and as always they could be the worst customers. I should understand I had been one and it’s rarely good if you don’t have your materials for class.

There is a twist though my experience at college bookstores is usually during back to school rush. This time around I was responsible for textbook buy back and this could be a pain in the butt that the manager pulled me aside for. Either way I was getting paid while I waited for The Show to give me a call back with regards to my interview in October. Basically I met with them during a job fair for that company at a local college campus which I saw a lot of people there that I will be working with. I’m including both mgmt and regular workers.

I did new hire paperwork after I did my shift at the bookstore one night at another theater that company owned. As I recall later when doing new hire paperwork for the national theater chain years ago it was a nightmare. The man I would later know as our House Manager just handed me a phone with someone on the other end of the line asking me questions for that company’s tax purposes things I would usually skip over on a job application. I did the best possible, however, HM became a jack@$$ for some of his behavior that night. In a strange fit of reading people I know this was one man I needed to watch out for.

It seemed that company was a tad disorganized as far as orientation, new hire paperwork, or even training (though I have the least complaints about training). I hated having to go into an unfamiliar part of town at night by bus & train during the fall/winter. It was a while before I would actually get to see the facility I actually would be working in. When I did training at The Show itself one person actually quit on the spot already grumbling that there were other opportunities she needed to pursue and the theater job wasn’t it.

For the record the only training I missed out on was concession. For most of my roughly five years there I basically learned it as I went. Yours truly didn’t do such a bad job learning concession and had some wonderful people helping me out along the way. Of course as I learned as time went on there will be those who provided the headaches.

All the same the end of my time at the bookstore came when I got my actual work schedule for the theater and it overlapped the time I would’ve been at the store. It wast that time though I indicated that I could still work. The manager thanked me for the help and kind of demurred when suggesting that it would be OK if they needed me in the future. So while I showed up somewhat late for my shift it was actually my last day there forever.

Time for the excitement of working the job I should’ve had either during my high school years or even in college. The first night I worked was a sneak preview as it was invite only and set up for a party. There were screenings for older movies throughout the theater and it all lead up to midnight showings of movies to be released such as Avatar.

I even manned box office for a bit and was sort of uncomfortable and management sent me to the VIP balcony to help. Remained for the rest of the night until it was time for me to punch out.

Struggled somewhat behind concessions on Christmas Eve and incurred the wrath of the immature young women who thought they knew everything. Little did I know different iterations of such characters would continue to be a thorn in my side. All the same I did alright and if anyone though I’d be short on a register fear not it didn’t happen.

I had to work New Years Eve and missed the countdown that I like to catch with Dick Clark’s Rockin New Years’ Eve. Thankfully it wasn’t long after that when I could go home. Even wished one of the managers a happy new years on the way out the door.

Interesting first few weeks on my new job and so many lessons learned over the years. Those lessons had to be mostly social as far as how to conduct myself at work. What I needed to learn at The Show – a place I grew to refer to as $H!tplace – is what informs me on how to conduct myself on the job. Believe it or not I’m still learning however I’m light years away from where I was at the start of the last decade. Believe it or not as much as I would say I could live without this experience perhaps it was necessary. Is it possible to blow a good situation if I just didn’t know how to conduct myself?

Still, working at a theater even with a college degree from a prestigious liberal arts degree was only the beginning and definitely not the end. It still enabled me to truly pursue other future opportunities, better opportunities in the long run.

 

Dream

I’ve been talking about promotions, making six-figures, and jobs I’m interested in perhaps yours truly has lost sight of what’s his dream. Since graduating from Mission College years ago, I’m still trying to figure out my dream. The opportunities to realize my dream will begin to dwindle.

I remember the year before I graduatedp my uncle stopped me near the end of yet another family reunion and he asked me point blank “What is taking you so long?” Of course this is the moment where he’s giving me some tough love although he made a few mistakes in doing so going after rather irrelevant observations. He was ready to dismiss what I’m currently trying to do at that point because in his words “you’re losing”.

It was taking me a minute to finish college and I will admit my share of mistakes during that time and even lost focus a few times but I was regaining focus to move on. His toughness, when I think about it now didn’t really add anything. After his pledge to “stay on my @$$” I never really heard from him again  – even after getting my direct cell phone number – aside from an e-mail of congrats stating “You’re going to need us pretty soon”. Suggesting I need the family’s charity which I never asked for to be honest.

Aside from that the reason I chose my major at Mission was because I had a dream career in mind. The problem is that well I had no real idea how to achieve it. I never really approached my professors about potential opportunities which was a huge mistake now. I never really approached the career counselors at least for liberal arts majors. I tried to do just about everything on my own, and had a hard time because where does one start when they do it on their own. For me, it was truly a daunting task however the reason I was at Mission College was for the prestige nothing should be daunting for a future “Mission Man”.

Regardless what’s my dream right now? Well when I finally graduated I was depressed by one thing, I had very little work history meaning not much experience with flipping burgers or frying chicken (and I had no desire to). Yeah I got a few shifts in at different periods working at college bookstores or even took part in a research project as part of my major at Mission. Otherwise all I knew to do was just stuff you expect college students do to studying for tests, do research papers, etc.

Once it was time to get out there and find a job all I had was a very prestigious and expensive piece of paper a liberal arts degree. And that piece of paper I had to learn carried no guarantees of gainful employment. I had to prove myself before getting the job and had nothing to present. I was woefully unprepared…

I may have expressed frustration over my time at The Show it was OK that worked there for close to five years. It’s also OK that I have my current job at Fresh Foods, perhaps both are “beneath me” at the same time I’ve finally learned something valuable. One lead to the other and hopefully will allow me to eventually find my dream job. All I can to is continue learning as I go, but I need not wing it as I had college.

Since starting my working life one goal that I had was to for lack of a better term “run something”. I wanted to be a manager at The Show, however, it never happened for me and I suspect I made a few key mistakes with them there. Perhaps nothing I did would allow it to happen for me during that period. I’m glad that based upon how I would’ve gotten compensated and the mgmt team up there that it never happened. I still have a what if in my mind about being a theater manager, but for me to do that it was time to seek out other opportunities. I just wasn’t going to adequately grow there.

Perhaps I can truly grow at a grocery store. Move up in the ranks (I did interview to become an associate buyer earlier this year) and perhaps even go corporate since I do have a college degree :P. However who says I got to make my career in either movie theaters/entertainment or grocery/retail?

Perhaps eventually my long term dream job is to work for myself. Scariest part with this is, how does yours truly finally achieve that dream? What ways can I truly make an impact in the world as a Mission alum is expected to make one? All I have to do is make a move no matter where I am now.

 

Honesty Box feet nsfw

I’m sharing this because this particular young lady is no longer with us, she died sometime last year. I had wanted to admit this to her although we weren’t exactly corresponding on a regular basis other than a happy birthday here and there. When you think about it now she seemed quite cool about a guy liking her feet.

If I had went for it although it was years after the fact I can only wonder now. And even then if I had tried years ago then this would be a long distance relationship. Hell I even suggested in the honesty box of all places that I’d like to go with her to the interesting places she liked to go out.

My activities in honesty box assuming she realized they were all from the same man – yours truly – she admitted that “I’m really flattered, but this is both unorthodox and cowardly”. Yeah, it was.

Anyway here is an example of an exchange from years ago back when honesty box was a thing. And may this beautiful and pleasant young woman rest in peace.

This young woman seemed to be like whatever. I got away with talking about her feet. If I had just come out would it only have meant trouble for me. Pic below may not be safe for work because someone could be uncomfortable with the display of feet

you said,
if i may be nasty for a sec i just got to admit that i want to press my mouth on that nice foot of yours
—
they said,
My feet! Really? Whatever floats your boat.
—
you said,
sorry i’m attracted to feet. and your present pic well that looks so tender. lol
—
they said,
I take care of my feet. For that same reason.
—
you said,
i’m starting to feel like i’m cybering with you. it’s starting to go down that path. lol
—
they said,
I am not even sure what “cybering” means. Your level of comfort my increase if you tell me who you are.
—
you said,
do you care about my level of comfort? lol
—
you said,
ok more serious question comfort about what? or just in general.
—
they said,
Its just in general.I always want people to be comfortable and express themselves honestly. Even though the honest box is suppose to encourage honesty. It doesn’t were are talking but nothing is being said. But its not that serious and you don’t have to do anything that you aren’t comfortable doing.
—

And you know she was probably right. Am glad that she realized everyone didn’t have the same comfort level. However, what if I had been more straight up.

We’ll never know.

Part of the world

Last year I did a post called MGTOW which stands for men going their own way. I had begun to follow some of the MGTOW youtube channel although my favorite one got taken down ultimately. It opened my eyes to the idea at least that a man should go his own way, become a better man, and that he doesn’t need a woman to do so.

Now this is a male virgin blog and I suppose if society has their way I should be shunned or pitied to have never made a woman’s acquaintance before in life. Everything I do so far in my life is empty without either having had sex at a bare minimum or having a married with children at any point in my life. Its the one thing that many have used to define me especially if I wind up making an ignorant comment about women, sex or relationships.

I’ve had people decide it was OK to lecture me about how I need to go out and become part of the world. For example join a dating website so that I could get laid next week or I need to hurry up get out there into the dating world before I turn 40 or the women will laugh at me. Just trying to cause a sense of urgency on my part to connect with a member of the opposite sex before “its too late”. And I find myself wondering how empty is his life where he feels as if he needs to say anything about it?

Let’s be honest about something as far as being part of the world for some it’s defined by having companionship as a bare minimum. To be fair, I haven’t really been part of the world. I missed out on that time in my youth where I should’ve met that woman. I spent a number of years in college – longer than I should’ve honestly – and I never really involved myself in social events. While I might have desired some of the women I met at school outside of social events or on facebook I feel as if I had more drama going on in without involving myself in relationships. I had to pay for school, avoid any academic issues, and then of course finally graduate.

In order to meet that special someone I have to go out into the world and interact. I often failed to do that and often preferred to keep to myself. Of course there were times trouble came to me, and often without me knowing how to handle it. It caused me further keep to myself and as a result those women who would’ve been interested in me found other men to engage with. It also didn’t help that after a number of missteps it took me time to finally finish my undergrad.

Then I arrived at “The Show” and aside from a few social moments, I never allowed myself an opportunity to truly connect with the young women or older women that I had worked with. Though what I can say about that period was it was the first period I had found gainful employment and had a few more dollars in my pocket as a result. Still I felt at that point that I couldn’t afford to do the many things that will allow me to become part of the world.

Sometimes I do feel as if I’m behind in my life. While many are out dating and meeting people or they’re married and building their families, I’m still stuck in teenage mode. I still have to figure out things that should’ve been worked out years ago.

Think about this, I graduated from college later. Found a regular job and eventually a full-time job later. And any other accomplishments I will ultimately meet them later as well. Perhaps realizing my potential as a man (and more for myself as I’m beginning to recognize) will have to come later as well.

I’m behind because I’ve never been part of the world, time to find ways to become part of the world.

Settling

I’ve run into this on occasion. I got myself a nice liberal arts degree from the prestigious “Mission College” and I’ve since worked at a grocery store or a movie theater. And as opposed to real questions such as why hadn’t you found a job in your field, I’ve gotten outright judgement from a lot of people including someone like an Anthony (which I would like to explore later).

The judgement have mostly come from younger people who often have unrealistic goals for their lives. They may expect six-figure for their first jobs. Problem is I’m being judged by young people who really haven’t been out there in the work world other than getting their first jobs.

Many of them may not have experienced setbacks in their education although some also already know they don’t want student loans so college isn’t for them. Smart move though I wish I had been as smart. So I could discount their outspoken comments because they’re just starting their journey through life. Although let’s just say even as somewhat older than many of those younger coworkers, I was in the same boat as them. I had never really established myself by the time I arrived at “The Show”.

On the other extreme you have Anthony “the hustler”. I know enough of his background to know that for his boasts about what he had done during his career I’ve realized he’s got very little to show for it. I somewhat base this off of his need to hustle money off of yours truly. I really expected that in his 50s he’d have a much better plan than finding a coworker to mooch money off of. Although I leaned on him for job leads and occasionally he might have the expectations that I could be a “professional” he had a dearth of ideas for breaking into those fields.

So the above vid from almost eight years ago causes me to question if since finally graduating from college years ago in spite of many set backs, have I sold myself short? Have I done nothing more than exist at relatively easy jobs?

As I prepare for an interview coming soon those many questions began to hit me now. All I can say is I’m taking advantage of the opportunities I’d be interested in now. As I’ve always said, I will never know if I don’t try. And if I hesitate to take on roles that might be up the alley of a man who holds a college degree the windows of opportunity will slowly begin to close.

Meanwhile it’s about time for a Valentine’s Day post which you can expect tomorrow night….

Kant: The 40 year old Virgin

To be honest, I wish I had taken philosophy more seriously in college. I took a few courses in political theory, however, I don’t recall much Immanuel Kant. I’ve heard the name somewhere for sure though not sure if it was while at “Mission College”.

This comic was interesting enough for me to share with you all.

Awkward

I orignally wrote this post back in 2016 and for some reason I took it down. Now it’s back. Of course with some minor edits!
This awkward moment I never told until now. Sometime last year at my job I ran into a woman who I had a tendency to poke on fb and messaged once with a tepid thank you reply. I never went got much further than that, but I’m sure I sent a friend request as I often did and got no response and quickly forgot about it.

Not long before I left “The Show” I had ran into her. Found that she had eventually moved to Chicago and she was right in front of me. Being the person who has this great ability to dwell on past events no matter how inconsequential I basically avoided her behind the concession stand as she stood around with a friend. It seems women rarely go out by themselves…

Let’s fast forward a year she shows up in my department one evening before closing and I realize she’s not a shorty. Hoping that my coworker was available to take care of her I grudgingly had to help her. Yup still me dwelling on past inconsequential events.

Anyway she requested some ingredients on an item she had been interested in. Provided those ingredients and then she wanted to sample them before she made her choice. I served her wanted to know if there was anything else she needed offered her a sample and even stated she’s free to sample the next time she dropped by. She just simply stated that she was on a diet before moving on.

Such an awkward moment, but I think it was handled professionally. The dangerous part is attempting to reach out to her and the possibility that now she knows where I work can cause some problems. Thankfully so far I have yet to see her again so that’s a plus.

Forgot to note this connection…this young lady also went to the same all-girls school – Hillman College – as janice, nicole, carina, and jennifer.

dating advice

on occasion i talked of men that i know of who’s mind is on chasing p***y. for example my friend anthony who does on occasion show me pics of grannies he claimed to have f***ed and done some nasty s*** to. and honestly i don’t want to hear it from him.

now i can’t say for sure that he chases p***y to the extent that mr. wayne talks above. anthony is not the candy and flowers type or at least he never talks about it, he certainly has little problem chasing women though. looking at how he would aggressively “drool” over any good looking woman who crosses paths with him even if he doesn’t talk to them.

as for me, i had attempted to chase p***y on occasion especially back when i was still in college. i really wanted to get with a “hillman” woman although with a select few i’m still in touch with them today. i suppose doing the chasing did me no good, especially with nicole for example. though certainly what must happen to connect with a woman, hopefully she has an attraction for you, and then the two of you are together. perhaps not exactly in that way, but get the picture connect then the magic happens by her actions and certainly by my actions.

hopefully you enjoy this advice